January 15, 2013 | 9:14 am

The Bachelor Week 2 Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

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There are parts of this show that are so fake I find myself questioning my sanity to watch it every season.  The thing is, there are moments of such raw reality when you get a group of women together, that sitting through two hours a week to get a couple of authentic chicks bashing chicks action is so worth it.  Week two with Sean, and the ladies are already cracking.

Sarah gets the first one-on-one date and I am happy for her.  She talks a lot about having only one arm and it is a little annoying.  She has one arm. Got it. When she goes on and on about her arm we realize how nasally and monotone she is.  She is not going to be the last one standing and I feel bad for her.  That she professes her love to Sean on date one is sad.

His not picking her has nothing to do with her having one arm.  It is because she is flat.  God bless her.  They go on a helicopter ride to downtown LA, then freefall 300 ft from the top of a building.  Really?  Who does this on a first date? Or any date? It’s lame and I would never do it. Even if my beloved George Clooney asked me to do it, it just ain’t happening. 

Sean is on an adventure and Sarah is proving to the world she does not have a disability.  They jump, she is normal, and he feels like the hero who helped her define herself as normal.  She is in love and I feel for her.  It will be interesting to see when in the process he dumps her.  Can’t be too far in because that’s mean, but too soon and he’s a douche.

It’s group date time and I cannot go forward without saying Katie has the most unfortunate hair and I don’t get why she did not bring a straightener with her.  They are off for a photo shoot with Sean for Harlequin romance novels.  Some girls are nervous and others are beyond excited.  Kristy the model wants the job more than she wants the man.

Tierra is getting on people’s nerves. Most of them are getting on my nerves. Tierra is on a mission to win and does not seem to care about who Sean is. She would want to win no matter who the Bachelor was.  She was a top pick of mine last week and so I blame it on the wine!  They go from the photo shoot to drinks by the pool. Let the games begin.

Kacie is creepy.  By creepy of course I mean she is unstable and that they brought her back is casting genius.  Lesley M. takes Sean inside for a chat and tells him she is there for love.  Really?  When he asked her what she wanted did he expect her to say anything else?  I’m here for 15 minutes of fame and to come back as the Bachelorette.  Thanks for asking!

Sean wants to kiss her but she is an idiot and shuts him down without even knowing it.  She has no game and no guts.  She says she is traditional and Southern, but the truth is she is just dumb.  She goes back and kisses him and it is awkward and cringe worthy.  Kacie takes him off for a chat and seriously, she is not well.  I don’t like her.

Catherine is silly, Selma is drooling, Tierra is hated.  Sean takes her off alone and tells her he is into her and she needs to trust him.  Poor thing. She is going to lose her mind soon and go crazy.  I cannot wait.  I cannot listen to anything that Katie says because her hair is just too ridiculous. She goes to talk to Sean and tells him she is not into it.

Katie tells Sean she wants to go home and he walks her out.  I will miss making fun of her hair.  Bye Katie.   Sean gives the date rose to Kacie and ladies are pissed.  Sweet Tierra is going to kill people.  Hooray!  Desiree gets the next one-on-one and he is going to mess with her.  They are in a fake gallery and something is going to get broken and blamed on her.

She is sweet, the piece breaks and her reaction is boring.  This stunt was an epic fail.  Sean tries to sell it as her being a good sport and having a great sense of humor but we didn’t see that.  This date was stupid. They are off to Sean’s house for dinner.  Everyone will hate her for getting the first date at his house.  They set up the nice ones to have a tough time.

Desiree has the same type of family as Sean and they are super cute together.  Their families will mesh and he is digging her.  She is now my frontrunner.  Sean says it could be a match and it is cute.  They change into bathing suits and head to the hot tub.  They talk love and marriage and the scene will be replayed for years on their anniversary.

It is cocktail party time.  With Katie gone only 2 more will be sent home tonight.  Watching 2 hours to have only 3 chicks leave is lame.  They should cut at least 5 a week.  Lindsay, wedding dress chick, is an army brat and her dad is a General.  She is cute but it is not going to happen for her here.  The women are getting desperate and making moves.

Amanda is reality television perfection.  She is sullen and bitter.  She makes the other women uncomfortable and I love it.  Robyn asks Sean if he is into women of color.  Good for her.  He tells her he has dated a lot of different types of women and she has as good a shot as anyone.  It’s actually a sweet moment.  I liked her question and I liked his answer.

Sean takes Amanda off on their own and it is Jekyll and Hyde.  She goes from being quiet and aloof to warm and fuzzy.  She has got to go before a bunny turns up on the stove.  Sweet Desiree is getting all high and mighty about what Sean deserves and I like her a little less.  Sean heads off to contemplate their fate while they all guess who is going.

Crazy Amanda gets the last rose and I am thrilled.  Single mother Diana is out, along with Brooke.  I think Brooke is gorgeous and sweet so it’s a drag she got the boot.  Sean tells Diana he is not feeing it and didn’t want to keep her from her girls.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  She never had a shot in hell.  I love to hate this show and find myself getting sucked in deep.

Next week they want us to think Tierra is thrown down a flight of stairs but it won’t be that.  Damn it.  Violence is never the answer of course, but someone tossing someone down the stairs would be awesome, and totally realistic.  I will be here next week and think I’ll switch my beverage from wine to margaritas to keep it fresh, and keep it real.

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January 14, 2013 | 8:20 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills –  Pigs Marry Pigs

Posted by Ilana Angel

We pick up this week with the end of Brandi’s meeting with the whore who slept with her husband.  By whore of course I mean the skank who knew exactly who she was banging in the hopes of getting fame for herself. Scheana is a liar and a bitch and Brandi is amazing for not smacking this stupid little girl in the head.  Brandi is one ballsy and classy lady.

Brandi talks to Lisa and you see their genuine friendship.  To hear Brandi talk about how she thought her marriage was okay is crushing.  Bravo to her for sharing it all and putting it out there.  She has stories to tell and I’m looking forward to her book.  In the end no matter what you look like, heartbreak is painful and all women’s hearts break in the same way.

Over to Yolanda’s, she has a visitor in Kyle.  I have decided that Kyle is evil and truly a horrible person.  By decided of course I mean we have known it from the very beginning.  Yolanda is talking about how she has been blown off by Kim a few times, and Kyle buys right into it and jumps at the opportunity to throw her sister under the bus.  Kyle is an idiot.

Yolanda feels strongly a 10 day master cleanse will change everything about Kim’s life.  I am laughing.  Yolanda is a ditz.  Over to Kim, she is visiting with her life coach.  He looks like he may live in a van down by the river, but God bless her and him.  She should not be anywhere near this show, but here she is, and doing what she can to stay healthy, so good for her.

Kim says she misses her sister and I am falling in love with life coach Gary. He tells her to call out Kyle on her crap.  Kim needs to man up and tell her manipulative sister to butt out, stop being so mean, and when she has a free minute from looking at herself in the mirror, or selling her soul to the devil, give her the money back from the house she stole.

We are now at Villa Blanca with Lisa, which we flash over to Ken who is having a gorgeous swing put in their yard with pink flowers and a special chair for Jiggy.  I love Ken.  Back with Lisa she is plugging her restaurant.  The entire scene is just to get people to her restaurant and that is a shame.  Ken and Jiggy are divine.  He surprises her with the swing.

Lisa tears up and giggles like a little girl.  It is truly a beautiful moment. They are going to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary by renewing their vows.  They kiss and she wants to be pushed on the swing again.  I love Lisa. I love her husband, her house, her dog, and her cleaning lady.  I want to be like her, look like her, and celebrate 30 years with my Englishman.

Kyle is off for dinner with new friend Marisa.  I like the new chick but she is friends with Kyle so there must be something wrong with her.  Kyle is talking smack about Kim, and making lame phone calls to the girls.  The Zanuck home is a little underwhelming from the outside.  Whatever.  Turns out “good friend” Marisa has never met Kim.  Kyle makes me sick.

Brandi arrives and lets the ladies know Adrienne and Paul are suing her to keep her quiet from talking about them.  Adrienne is a tool.  Lisa and Ken arrive, Yolanda arrives alone, Camille comes alone, husband killer is alone, and miraculously Kim comes, also alone.  Mauricio arrives, then Marisa’s husband Dean, and her brother Paul.  It is a full and scripted house.

Kim tells Yolanda she can’t do the master cleanse because she in recovery and it won’t be healthy for her. Kyle implies Kim is a flake and Yolanda should not expect too much from her.  Dear Lord.  This chick has nothing to talk about other than her sister and if I were Kim, sitting at home watching this show, I would cut Kyle out of her life completely.

Kim decides to get deep with Kyle at the group dinner and Kyle manages to make it all about her.  Kyle is fake crying and says she is not convinced Kim will stay sober, and while I get it, she is just so mean in how she says it.  Kim is reaching out to her sister and her sister is crapping all over her.  Kim is sweet and Kyle is sour.   Not digging this scene.

Yolanda says David is at home working with Babs and Kyle name drops like she is on the same level.  Oh. My. God.  I want Kyle to shut the hell up. Taylor is crying about how dating is like cheating on her dead husband. Important to note that she killed hum, but still, there is guilt for dating because she loved him. Hated him, but loved him too.  Dumbass.

Talk turns to Adrienne and her bullying Brandi with money.  There are a lot of conversations going on and the scene is shot badly.  Mauricio gets into the conversation and Kyle says she is going to stay out of it.   Such a lying hag. Taylor is standing up for Brandi, Kim is pushing Taylor’s buttons, and Mauricio is saying Brandi needs to call Adrienne and apologize.

I am digging Camille and for the first time, Taylor.  God help me. I like Taylor.   It will pass but I must tell you I’m very disappointed in myself.  Ken is defending Brandi, and Mauricio will not let it go.  Brandi loses it and tells Mauricio to go F himself, which inspired me to give her a round of applause and a standing ovation from my couch, and so it ends.

Sidebar:  Mauricio was lovely to Lisa and Ken when they were selling their house.  He got the gig and made a small fortune.  I imagine his desire to support Adrienne and hurt Brandi is in order to get their house listing and pocket some more cash.  His support of them will last until someone else has a listing.  Mauricio is a pig, which makes sense because he married a pig. 

These ladies are predictable, but still so much fun to blog.  I am a fan of Lisa and Brandi, think Kim and Yolanda should be let go, am over Camille, have no use for Taylor, and want Kyle to be publically humiliated so she slinks off with her tail between her legs.  Oh the joys of blogging about Beverly Hills. I will be back next week, with a bottle of wine, keeping it real.

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January 14, 2013 | 6:56 pm

Fame is Ruining Shahs of Sunset

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and like a lot of the cast.  Last season it was frustrating there was only six episodes and I was excited for them to come back with a full second season.  I did not blog about the first two shows because of time restraints, then I was away on holiday for two episodes.  I sat down today and watched all aired episodes of the new season and I must tell you, I am disappointed in what has happened to what used to be a fun show.

Last season they were authentic and refreshing.  They looked like real people and had lives that were interesting.  This year they are affected, mean spirited, fake, and not at all charming.  They are painfully aware of the cameras, and it’s a miracle they are able to carry around such massive egos. I honestly enjoyed this show and was supportive to them when others were not, but at this point I am struggling to find something nice to say.

Mike used to be charming, and now he is desperate.  Asa was odd, and now is just weird.  Mercedes was wounded, and now is broken.  Sammy was harmless, and now is invisible.  GG was entertaining, and is now pathetic. Reza was perfection, and is now shady.  New girl Lily is not even a little bit entertaining.  Important to note that the plastic surgeon that put those huge boobs on that tiny body should be sued for malpractice.

These are not young kids.  They are middle-aged people who are behaving as children and it is embarrassing.  They are mean to each other and unkind to everyone else.  They drink too way too much, way too often, and seem to take pleasure in humiliating each other on television.  The only thing worse than the show, is watching them in live interviews.  These people went from fabulous to horrific in a season and I am surprised by all of them.

To clarify, I still think these are entertaining people.  I hope they look at the season and are embarrassed enough that when they come back for season three they can get back on track and stop with the ugliness.  They are so affected by the fame that it is both sad and fascinating.  They are all selling stuff, selling themselves, and hurting each other in order to propel themselves forward.  Shame on all of them for selling out so fast.

Ryan Seacrest Productions needs to take a look at this show and take a step backwards.  Get rid of Lily because we don’t care about her.  Bring back Sammy because he should be there.  Don’t give Reza his own show because his head will explode.  Help Mike get a job so he can stop flailing. Focus on MJ finding love, not questioning the love of her mother.  Give GG all of MJ’s pills, and explain to Asa that selling bottled water is selling out.

I am not giving up on this show or these people.  I think they have all gotten caught up in the fame and potential for fortune so I am going to cut them a little slack.  Once they remember we liked them for being real, and realize they are acting unreal for the cameras, they will readjust and all will be forgiven.  I won’t bother to blog past episodes and will pick up blogging next weekend.  I really hope this group can get back to keeping it real.

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January 12, 2013 | 6:59 pm

The Rise and Fall of Bethenny Frankel

Posted by Ilana Angel

I don’t get Bethenny Frankel.  There are parts of her personality and career that I think are truly fabulous, and other parts of her that are so laughable, I am constantly amazed this woman has a career at all.  Her lies are deep and continuous.  She has lied so much there is simply no way she can keep it all straight.  Bethenny Frankel has built an empire on a series of epic lies and when it comes to her popularity, I simply don’t get it.

We have watched her build a life and career for herself, and while occasionally interesting, and sometimes funny, it has mostly been fascinating. We have watched her lie, I have even been dragged into her lies, and yet people still think she is a role model.  If you want to be a pathological liar who uses people to achieve her goals, then yes, she is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Take off the rose colored glasses and you will see the truth.

In the span of five Hollywood minutes, Bethenny announced her separation, her divorce, then the divorce demands to her husband Jason Hoppy.  She seems to forget we have been watching her for years and seen exactly what she has said and done to this man and his family.  She used him to get where and what she wanted, and now that she has it, she is dumping his ass. Is she so delusional that she thinks America will take her side?

News flash Bethenny, we all love your husband.  Furthermore, we love his parents, and we love his daughter.  I think I speak for many when I say we are on their side.  In the end you can pull the victim card and talk on Ellen about how hard you tried to save your marriage, but we are laughing at you and how absurd you are.  You, just like your mother, used men to get what you wanted and the only victim here your beautiful and innocent child.

When Bethenny lied about being lost at sea, I spoke with the tugboat captain and the coast guard.  When it was proven that she lied, her response was to serve gag orders on those who spoke with me.  When I wrote that I was of the opinion that she slept her way to the top, I got emails from her friends, who apparently all write from the same IP address, defending her and blasting me for speaking ill of their beloved friend.

Bethenny asked her assistant Julie to be daughter’s Godmother, then asked her makeup artist to have custody of the baby should she and Jason die. She has no friends other than those she pays, and who are willing to sign away their rights to ever speak of her.  She has openly disrespected her husband and we have seen her cross the line of sexual boundaries over and over again. She makes no secret of the fact her marriage was not that important.

Bethenny would have none of her success without Jason.  She got her own shows because she was getting married and having a baby.  It was those shows that catapulted her Skinnygirl drinks.  Important to note those drinks suck ass.  They truly do not taste good. The Sangria in particular is quite bad and her signature margarita is better suited as window cleaner than a refreshing drink for a hot day. Not good people.  Save your money.

Everyone is talking about the pre-nup and what Jason will get.  If it were up to me I’d give him half, and even that would not be enough.  She used him and now that she is done, her lies will result in her crashing and burning.   Is it a coincidence she filed for divorce 9 months before her talk show is to debut?  I don’t think so.  She knows it is a cash cow and she wants it all for herself. Plus she can play the poor divorced me card for sympathy.

She figures she survived her parent’s divorce and she will love her baby enough to see her through it, but it does not work like that.  My son was only a few months old when I got divorced and it was hard for him even though he had no memory of his parents ever being together.  Divorce is hard on children.  Even though some marriages are not meant to be, that does not make it any easier for a child to go through it. Divorce is traumatic.

Bethenny, in her search for fame and fortune, has broken hearts and stepped on so many bodies during her rise to the top that when she falls, and it would appear it has begun, she will see a lot of pissed off faces on her way down.  Jason should take her for as much as he can and fight for joint custody of that baby.  Half her life spent with her dad is her only shot at normalcy because her mother is a loon and she meeds her dad to balance out the crazy.

When Bethenny went on Ellen and sniffed and cried I was on the floor laughing   She turned the crocodile tears off in an instant and it was classic. This woman is not devastated by her divorce.  She could care less is my guess.  We have watched her systematically try to destroy this man’s spirit, humiliate his family, discard friends, and mock those she feels she is better than.  That she has fans at all is remarkable but to each their own.

That said, to those who love her, God bless.  We are all entitled to our opinions about people and if you think she is fabulous, then good for you.  I respect your right to like her, buy her products, and support her talk show.  In return you should respect my opinion also.  That opinion being that she is a pathological fame whore who values money and celebrity more than her family, integrity, or future karma.  This woman is unstable and out of control.

For the trolls who will write to say I am bitter and jealous, not really.  Do I wish I had enough money to secure the future of my child?  Yes.  Does that make me jealous?  No.  Do I write about her because she has put her life out there for me observe and comment on?  Yes.  Does that make me bitter? No. It just makes me a woman with a voice, just like her. Only difference between her and me is that I keep it real.

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January 8, 2013 | 8:15 am

The Bachelor is Back

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and have been waiting for it to come back.  I watch with hope as love is searched for.  In watching the first episode of Sean’s turn as the Bachelor, I find myself not caring about it at all.  This show moves slowly, is scripted by what I assume is teenage girls, and the fakeness is too much.  I’ll watch the first show, but blogging will be hard.

I will try of course because I know there are loyal readers who like my take on this show, but know this is going to be rough and my liver will suffer. Sean is lovely and I want him to find happiness, but at 21 minutes in I’m already bored.  The cheesy music, predictable B roll, sappy voiceovers and stupid visit from Arie is too much. Drink #1 has been made.

Chris Harrison needs to find a new job because he is too old to be doing this. He is annoying and while he was cute in the beginning, he is now embarrassing himself.  I think he is lame and brings nothing to the show.  He is like an old worn out shoe and what we really want is a stiletto that is going to bring some color and a touch of sex appeal to the Bachelor process.

Time to meet this season’s seekers of 15 minutes.

Amanda: Model.  Never going to happen.
Ashley H.: Model. Never going to happen.
AshLee F.: Organizer and foster kid. One of my top 3 picks.
Ashley P.: Hair stylist and sex maniac. Never going to happen.
Brooke: Community organizer.  Never going to happen.
Catherine: Graphic designer. One of my top 3 picks.
Daniella: Made up job. Never going to happen.
Desiree: Bridal consultant. One of top 3 picks.
Diana: Hair stylist and single mom. Never going to happen.
Jackie: Makeup counter girl. Never going to happen.
Katie: Yoga instructor. Never going to happen.
Kelly: Cruise Ship singer.  Never going to happen.
Keriann: “Entrepreneur”.  Never going to happen.
Kristy: Model.  Never going to happen.
Lacey: Student. Never going to happen.
Lauren: Journalist.  Never going to happen.
Leslie H.: Poker Dealer. Never going to happen.
Lesley M.: Political consultant.  Never going to happen.
Lindsay: Substitute teacher. Never going to happen.
Paige: Jumbotron operator.  Really? Never going to happen.
Robyn: Engineer. Wiped out. Never going to happen.
Sarah: Advertising chick with one arm. Never going to happen.
Selma: Real estate. Never going to happen.
Taryn: Health club manager. Never going to happen.
Tierra: Looks like crazy Courtney.  Never going to happen.

The big surprise is that Kacie B., the cute girl who got her heart broken by Ben, is here for a shot with Sean. It is all a little weird and I think that although she is cute, her coming her makes her a total loser.  Her parents are freaks and her coming is lame.  She’ll make a fool out of herself and be gone soon enough.  Poor thing.  Let the humiliation begin.

Some of the introductions of these women had me in stitches.   When Robyn fell during her gymnastics entrance I was howling.  That one is a Jumbotron operator is hilarious.  The scripted rose to Tierra as soon as she got out of the car was classic. She enters the house and everyone immediately hates her. One chick asks if she came to the show with the rose. Perfection.

The cattiness begins almost immediately and I am getting sucked in.  Sean talks to Kacie and again, weird.  Desiree gets a rose and I am happy for her. She is cute.  Sean is handing out roses as he goes and it is flipping chicks out.  The panic sets in and I am loving it.  Chicks are having time with him and not getting roses, which is awesome. Nice change up for the show.

Lindsay is hammered.  She came in a wedding dress, which is not funny, but she is so plastered that she is slurring, giggling, and begging for kisses. What a hot mess this chick is.  She is watching at home right now cutting herself and her dress into a million little pieces.  Sean is mortified by her and the entire thing is cringe worthy. No rose for you Drunky.

Important to note that the yoga chick has painfully unfortunate hair and should have gotten a Brazilian blow out before she got there. Ashlie P. is wasted and I am digging the drunk chicks.  Ashlie is talking about getting married and her mom loving Sean and watching her crash and burn is a great pay out for sitting through two hours of this train wreck.

Taryn is the first to cry and I want her to go home.  She says she is not the type of girl to fight over a guy.  Really? Then what the hell are you doing on this show?  It’s all about fighting Sweetie so you need to go home.  Sarah is worried she will get dumped because she has only one arm. I feel for her but shut up already. She talks to Sean about her arm situation.

I think this is sad.  In her insisting that he not feel uncomfortable, she is making us all really uncomfortable.  Now he has to give her a rose so she is not the chick who got dumped because she has only one arm.  She says the rose validates her and I’m dying.  If getting a rose on a reality scripted show validates you, then you need a great therapist and a drink.

It is rose ceremony time.  Translation: Chris Harrison is going to try to put us to sleep.  There are 26 women, 12 have roses, 7 roses are left, and 7 chicks are going home.  Sean gives his sincere and scripted speech letting them all know he is thankful they came and he is sorry he needs to send some of the ladies home.  Let the dramatic music begin!

Seven chicks are out and all crying.  I can’t even remember who they are so I can’t tell you who it was, but who cares anyway.  This show is about public humiliation and backstabbing until the final 4, so we just need to bide our time until the love part comes into play.  Luckily for us there are just enough freaks to keep us entertained until it gets interesting.

It is going to be a long and difficult couple of months, but I will watch and try really hard to blog it.  Two hours a week is painful but with the right drinks I feel confident I can do it.  Love will be found as it always is, but it will be interesting to see if it sticks.  Sean is a decent guy so all we can hope for is that he does not become affected, and manages to keep it real.

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January 8, 2013 | 5:42 am

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills & Vanderpump Crap

Posted by Ilana Angel

After taking a break for the holidays, the ladies of Beverly Hills are back.  By ladies of course I mean there are two ladies and a bunch of hags.  I have missed this group and after the epic failure that is Real Housewives of Miami, these women are fabulous television. Except for Faye Resnick.

Ms. Resnick is disgusting and if Bravo continues to include her I will be out. By out of course I mean drunk because it will be impossible to watch this show without serious booze.  Dear Bravo, nobody likes this woman and you would be well advised to cut her loose. Cut her loser friend Kyle too.

We pick up with Faye talking crap about something that she knows nothing about, and Brandi leaving Kyle’s dinner party.  Faye Resnick talking about integrity is hilarious.  She is a whore who danced on her friend’s grave for a few dollars and she is talking integrity?  Dear Lord.  Shut up Faye.

Brandi is outside crying while she waits for her car and while it is crushing, I am more focused on Kyle and the fact that she is a backstabbing bitch who is all about getting airtime.  Lisa comes out to comfort Brandi and Kyle is talking all about herself rather than her guest leaving in tears.

Cut to Taylor who has a medium over to help her see the future.  She name drops about this kook and while it is hilarious, can we talk about Taylor answering the door with a dog in her hand. Really?  Did she not lose her mind over Kennedy’s dog allergy when Russell got her one as a gift?

I am of the opinion that Taylor Armstrong is a pathological liar.  Watching her on this show makes me laugh because there is something quite funny about her total and complete fakeness.  As for the medium, she is a lunatic and while I believe in people with this gift, this woman is not gifted.

Kyle is doing yoga with Marisa, the new “friend”.  I like Marisa but she came through Kyle so it makes me not trust her.  Kyle is evil.  Marisa is talking about the group of ladies as being mean and immature, but never mentions that Kyle is an instigator. She has potential, but I’m leery.

Brandi is shopping with Lisa and refers to Resnick as a “chick with a dick”.  I freaking love this girl.  Her body is ridiculous and I would like to live in that body for 24 hours.  Lisa talks to Brandi about Scheana and that she wants to talk to Brandi.  Lisa is whoring her new show.  Not cute.

Brandi agrees to talk to the whore for Lisa and it is sad.  Lisa comes out looking pathetic, Scheana comes across as a moron, and Brandi comes out as a gangster rock star.  The whole thing is set up to help launch Vanderpump Rules, which is ridiculous. I hate that Bravo thinks we are all dumb.

Over at Husband Killer, she gets a call from her lawyer saying the lawsuit against her can be settled if she gives up her wedding ring and a couple Hermes bags.  She cries and acts broken by the request, which is laughable.  Taylor is an idiot and she has no tears, which is hilarious.

Over with Yolanda, I have to wonder why she is on this show.  We never see her and when we do, she is boring and condescending.  Her model daughter wants to play volleyball and Mommy Dearest thinks it will be bad for her body and modeling career.   I officially think Yolanda is a tool.

Yolanda is wearing a sleeveless shirt and a ski vest, which is weird.  She sits on the kitchen counter to eat, which is weird.  Her husband tells us all the time how old fashioned she is, and it is weird.  I like David Foster but this show makes him look like a tool, just like his wife. They can go.

Brandi visits Camille and it’s not interesting so I'm skipping over it.  Brandi is interesting all by herself and does not need to drag Camille in. Camille is boring, always was on this show. Brandi needs to fly solo and if talking to someone is needed, it should not be snooze fest Camille.

We get a glimpse of Adrienne and Paul who announce their new skin care line.  Whatever. They clearly hate each other and watching them is stupid.  I’m skipping over it because if I keep watching I will fall asleep. Adrienne Maloof is a moron and her husband is a loser. End of story.

Taylor and her lawyer are having dinner with Lisa and Ken, Kyle and Mauricio. Taylor announces that she settled the case and gave up her ring and gags to make it all go away. She fake cries and everyone is happy for her. Kyle is gross, Lisa is a lady, and this dinner is a waste of our time.

The lawyer tells Kyle he saw Kim at a cigar bar and she is surprised.   She says she is worried for Kim and says that their relationship is not better now that Kim is sober.  Well, I doubt Kim is in fact sober, and I’m guessing the real reason Kim is not close to Kyle is because Kyle is a bitch.

Scheana is about to meet with Brandi and it is pathetic.  Scheana is a whore and that she is getting airtime on this show is disgusting.  Brandi is brave, and Lisa is lame.  She is putting Brandi in a horrible position to launch her show and I think it is shameful.  Brandi is a class act.

Scheana starts to cry, Brandi calls her on it and tells her to knock it off.  She does not get to cry because she lost nothing and Brandi lost everything.  I love Brandi.  Scheana is crying and saying she had no idea that Eddie had a wife and kids. Is she serious? What a dumbass.

Scheana is a fame whore who is looking for 15 minutes and if she thinks we believe she did not Google Eddie’s name and see he was married, she is unwell.  Scheana slept with a married man because she wanted to be famous and he already was.  She is a tramp.

Brandi is amazing for putting herself through this bullshit, and so hats off to her.  Scheana will be forgotten in 5 minutes and Brandi has made me want to read her book even more because it will be fascinating.  Brandi leaves with class and Scheana leaves like the skanky whore that she is.

Bravo then seamlessly transitions into their new show Vanderpump Rules.  I am not watching this show because frankly, I am just too old.  Someone on Twitter wrote you need a prescription for Valtrex to watch it.  Google Valtrex and you will see this was the best tweet on Twitter yesterday.

I watched the first episode out of curiosity and I can firmly say, never again.  This is The Hills for a new generation and I not interested.  It is fake, predictable, sleazy, and a waste of time for anyone over the age of 27. I love Lisa but this show makes me question her ability to keep it real.

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January 7, 2013 | 8:46 am

Real Housewives of Miami – Reunion Part 1

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been watching all season but did not blog about it more than a couple of times, and then it was only because their behavior was so disgusting I felt the need to say so.  They are boring, desperate for fame, and frankly watching Elaine Lancaster trying to be relevant was just too painful.

I’m not invested in any of them. Don’t really understand why they even got another season, but the reunion is always a fun thing to blog, regardless of the season or the city.  We see a glimpse into who these people really are. In fact, this is the only time we really get to see who they really are.

Andy Cohen wears a hideous outfit for this reunion and it bothers me he never straightens his tie over his buttons.  He is very handsome in my opinion, but always seems to miss the mark by just a smidge.  He needs a stylist who is not colorblind and pays more attention to detail.

The women have so much makeup on I am waiting to watch them melt under the lights.  Everyone admits they have had plastic surgery, and Lea insists she has not used any fillers or had any work done.  Really? She is a hundred years old and her face is as smooth as a baby bum.

There is no way she has not used fillers.  I’m guessing she uses her husband’s blood money to get injections weekly.  She is a liar and a hustler who married well so she can save her lies for another day because we are not buying it.  By we of course I mean anyone who can see clearly.

Joanna and Roman’s relationship is reviewed and we see that Joanna is as dumb as she is beautiful.  She is a gutter pig and I cannot find anything to like about her.  She is a drunk, has nothing to do with Miami, and her boyfriend sleeps with other women right under her nose.

Adrianna is off the chain over Joanna.  She goes off about her relationship with Roman and her sister Marta.  Adrianna is a bitch.  Not the good kind of bitch I admire, but the pathetic kind of bitch who talks for hours and says nothing of relevance of interest.  She needs to shut up.

We move onto Karent and her boyfriend Rudolpho.  I happen to think he is gay and dates women to remain popular with the ladies, but that’s just me. She tells us they have broken up and even cries about it.  How is it that these educated women are so dumb? Don’t date men who cheat.

No matter what anyone says, Anna calls them out on it.  Anna was the most boring person all season but on the reunion is fantastic.  I dig her here but barely remember her from the show.  Important to note Lea Black’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.  She is a disgusting woman.

The moment anyone calls Lea out on her crap she fires back like the mean girl that she is.  She is a bitch and sits on her handmade thrown and throws daggers at those she feels are lingering below her.  Lea is wealthy because her husband works for killers.  There is no pride in that moron.

Anna is throwing jabs about Geritol and Lea breaking a hip and I am loving it. She is telling the truth and Lea is panicking, trying to swing back, but bless her she is unable to get her back.  Turns out Lea is dumb and only able to respond when it is scripted or she has time to prepare.

Marisol looks horrible and her dress is ugly.  She is still upset about Lea bashing her company and is emotional but can’t produce tears because of all her face injections.  They go on and on forever about Lea and Marisol but I am bored and not listening.  Enough already.  Who cares?

I seriously just zoned out of the entire thing because I cannot be bothered. As for the new t-shirt about beating her to the tweet, love it.  These women are ridiculous.  They are all a little mean, a little dumb, a little self absorbed, and a little crazy.  By a little of course I mean not at all a little.

They do a section on Joanna drinking and she laughs it off as if it is cute. She drinks like a fish, is a nasty drunk, and it is not cute.  She talks about her drinking like it is nothing but this chick needs an intervention because her denial is sad and her laughing it off is heartbreaking.

They review Adriana and her unfiltered mouth.  She is a complete and total hag. She is mean from way down deep and while she may think she is funny, she is hateful and has no tolerance for anyone other than herself.  I don’t trust her and obviously female friendships are hard for her.

They are going on and on about racism, Polish immigrants, and slums of Rio.  Blah, blah, blah.  They are grasping at straws which is lame.  After almost an hour of crap, we are forced to watch the non-slap slap again and it is insane.  These women should all be embarrassed as should Andy.

I love the reunions and even though this one was particularly boring, it is the only opportunity we have to see who these women are. This week ends with the threat of lawsuits and yelling over each other.  We give Bravo an hour of our time and in return they give us a headache. 

I will be back for part two and look forward to seeing Elsa.  They will bring these women back for another season and I am hopeful they change up the cast.  Miami is a vibrant city but if this is all Bravo has to offer in terms of interesting women, they are not keeping it real.

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