January 30, 2013 | 8:26 pm

Am I Too Scared to Blog Mob Wives?

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I love these women.  They are real, fascinating, and incredibly funny.  That said, they scare the crap out of me.  They intimidate me and just listening them talk calmly to each in the kitchen freaks me out.  I have been watching this show every season and while I blogged about it Season 1, in watching the new season I am a little scared.  By scared of course I mean I’m not sure my style of blogging would be cool with these ladies.

I record this show when it is on so I can skip over the commercials and watch it is one shot.  I love the soundtrack, accents, boobs, clothes, language, and just about everything else.  I am truly fascinated by these chicks.  I can’t decided if I want to be their best friends and live next door, or if I would cross the street if I saw one of them walking towards me.   I am obsessed with them and cannot turn away when they are on.

The interesting thing about them all is they speak in the same way that I write.  We use a lot of the same vocabulary and sometimes I think they would appreciate my candor and take it in the way it is intended.  Then I blog an episode, read what I have written, and immediately delete because I worry it will get out by accident and I’m waking up with a horse head in my bed.  I clearly watch way too many gangster themed movies.

I have so much to say about Renee, Drita, Carla, Ramona, Big Ang, Love and Karen. The thing is, these girls will cut a bitch.  I’m a tough broad and I have no fear when it comes to speaking my mind and sharing my feelings, but they are out of my league.  I could write a warm and fuzzy blog about how fabulous they all are but that would be a lie.  They are not all fabulous, and one could argue there is a skank or two in the bunch.

These chicks are rough and tough.  They are also loyal, kind, and in the end women with feelings.  No matter if you are a Jewish blogger from California, or a Catholic mob wife from Staten Island, we are all women, mothers, daughters and friends.  Our hearts break the same, our tears sting the same, and our dreams for our children to have lives better than our own are the most important thing.  Turns out we all have a lot in common.

These women are not afraid to be themselves and say exactly what they are thinking.  They appear to not be afraid of anything.  Even in their fights, they remain cool headed and clear.  To be clear, they are violent, but they stay on task and hold their own.  I wish I was more like that. I have balls when it comes to standing up for myself, but the truth is I am afraid of a lot of things and I fake my tough girl attitude a lot of the time.

I wonder what scares these women because it would appear the answer in nothing. If I thought there was a chance they’d be scared of the Jewish blogger I might blog my way through this season in the only way I know how. Since that will happen when kosher pigs fly, I will simply say I am watching Mob Wives with you, loving every second, and reading their blogs rather than writing one.  These women are perfection and they are keeping it real.

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January 30, 2013 | 5:25 pm

The Bachelor Week 4 Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

I look forward to this show as much as I dread it.  Two hours a week of this garbage is a lot to ask of us for ten minutes of fake romance at the end.  We are down to thirteen women, and with only two or three worth dating, there is a lot of wasted time as we watch women who have no shot in hell try to win Sean’s heart.  It’s time for women to stop throwing each other down the stairs and start killing each other.  Lets wrap this season up already.

Sean wants this week to be about trust.  I’m wondering how many women he makes out with in order for them to trust him.  Selma gets the first date. She is a pretty girl but no way she is going to be the one.  She is excited while everyone else is sad, except for Tierra who is pissed off.  Some chick whose name I can’t remember is crying because she wants Sean to know she has a heart.  She should be concerned that she actually has no brain.

We are 6 minutes in and I am drinking.  I might need to speed through this blog so I finish before things get sloppy.  They are on a private jet and head off to the desert.  Selma lets us know she may be Iraqi, but the desert is not her thing.  She is pissed off about the date but says she is happy she wore hiking boots.  The editing sucks on this show.  They are rock climbing, she is nonstop complaining to the camera, and I need her to go home.

Selma is the Kardashian contestant and she is hating every minute of this date.  She gets courage and plows through, certain it came from Sean.  Sean is looking up into her ass and does not care about what she is accomplishing. Her body is killer and she is beautiful, but no. They go to dinner and we learn she cannot kiss him on camera as it will offend and upset her parents.  Can’t make out? She is on the wrong show and will go home soon.

This date is awkward and even though they are the only couple to not make out, their date feels dirty.  The group date card arrives and Tierra is in the group and pissed off.  Tierra is a crazy person.  Selma gets the date rose and I am laughing because he is going to make out with everyone but Selma and that is going to piss her mom off even more.  The group, including the chick with one arm, is going to play roller derby.  I’m pouring more wine.

AshLee is nervous and Tierra is excited to get out her aggression.  Amanda lies and tells everyone she has played before to freak them out.  Brilliant move.  Sarah is crying because her balance is off with only one arm.  She has a little pad on her missing arm and it is sad.  She needs to go home because he is not picking her and she is now humiliating herself.  AshLee is comforting her and now my new favorite.  Sean is messing with Sarah.

Amanda is the best skater and then she wipes out and is off to the hospital. This date is lame and he calls off the game and makes it a free skate instead.  Damn it.  Someone was going to die and he ruined it.  We could have gone to 12 chicks without a rose ceremony.  Bastard.  They are off to dinner. Sean takes Sarah off to chat and he is not into her, but does not want to be the douche who sends her home. Tierra is about to lose it.

Amanda comes back and she is okay.  She is going to milk the sympathy card and hopes to get the group date rose.  Back at the house Leslie H gets the date card and a pair of diamond earrings.  Sean is making the rounds through the group date and Tierra is crying and upset that people don’t like her.  Her plan will backfire and I can’t wait to see it.  She is crying to the producer that she needs to go home.  Everyone thinks she is an idiot.

Tierra goes to Sean and tells him she cannot do it anymore and needs to go home because she is tortured.  He talks to her and the fake crying stops immediately.  Sean reminds her that she is into him and the entire thing is cringe worthy.  I am almost hammered. Amanda practically breaks her face and the date rose is going to Tierra. Oh no he didn’t. The girls are livid the rose is going to crazy and it is fantastic.  Sean is an idiot.

Leslie is off to her Pretty Woman date and I find her to be immature and annoying.  He takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive.  I can’t take it.  She looks beautiful and he is sweet, but I don’t see them together and her giggling is giving me a headache. She keeps playing with her hair, which is bugging me, and as hard as he tries he is just not feeling her.  At least she has the earrings to sell on eBay.  He sends her home and we are down to twelve.

AshLee takes Sean off and I really like her.  I don’t want her to get screwed over, which means she probably will because I always pick wrong on this show. Important to note that Sean says he can’t keep his hands off of her. Translation:  Selma is going home soon.  Robyn is making chocolate/black girl jokes that are not funny. Tierra is complaining to Amanda and it is hilarious. Crazy loves crazy. Tierra wants to confront a couple of the bitches.

Tierra talks to Robyn and Jackie and tells them she is sorry she was rude, but felt attacked.  They accept her apology and it’s weird because she didn’t mean the sorry and they don’t believe her.  Tierra says she is there to “win this”.  Translation:  she is going home soon.   Robin and Jackie tell the girls about their conversation with Tierra and nobody is buying it.  Sweet and naïve Sean is also a sleazy pig that blows a lot of smoke up a lot of asses.

It is the rose ceremony and I am annoyed.  One more girl is going home which is lame.  If someone is sent home during the show, Leslie, that is cool, but two should still go home at the rose ceremony.  They are dragging this out too much and my liver is suffering.  Roses are handed out and crazy Amanda is out.  She almost broke her face, but whatever. She is crazy and unfortunate looking. Sean is a pig but at least he is keeping it real.

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January 29, 2013 | 9:03 pm

A Double Dose of Shahs of Sunset

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been a little turned off by the Shahs this season.  They have allowed fame to go to their heads and their charm is gone.  I still watch because I am addicted, and while I’m not as invested as I was last season, I have this silly hope they are watching themselves and see what has become of them in the same way we have.  If they do, they will kick themselves in the ass and get back on track for season three.  We’ll see.

I didn’t blog last week but there is some good crap to talk about so we need to go back so we can catch up.  Reza is packing to go back east to see his family for the Jewish high holidays.  I love Reza and think he is handsome and fabulous, but that hair.  Dear Lord.  It has got to go.  Reza is talking to his Dad and it is sweet.  He is nervous to see his Grandmother, but he is going and taking a few of his friends with him.  I am proud of him.

Asa is buying a diamond for her diamond water.  Seriously, this is insane. Asa is ridiculous and this water is lame.  Anyone who buys this water is, in my humble opinion, an idiot.  I don’t get this chick.  By not get this chick of course I mean I think she is off her rocker and I feel sad for her that she is humiliating herself.  I am laughing at her and also in awe that people are actually into her crap.  God bless her.  She makes good Kool Aid I guess.

She is looking at diamonds and is certain she feels something for a certain stone. Then she hears how much it costs and miraculously feels something stronger from a cheaper stone.  It is complete and total crap and I will stick to my wine and pass on her diamond garbage.  Over to GG, she is out with MJ and calling her out for playing games with everyone.  GG is pissed MJ was talking badly about Asa but is now friends with her.  GG and Asa are fighting.

MJ throws Reza and Asa under the bus saying they told MJ to pick a side. How old are these people?  It is high school and I’m bored.  Sidebar:  Does anyone else think GG has a really small mouth?  It’s interesting.  Mike is getting his ridiculously white teeth whitened by his brother.  He wants to introduce his Italian girlfriend to his Persian Jewish parents and is nervous. Do we really need to watch his dental procedure? I’m skipping this.

Asa is praying over her diamond water and I am laughing my ass off.  This is stupid and I am skipping ahead.  Important to note that I am skipping over a lot of this show, which says a lot.  I like to make fun of these people and I cannot stand to watch it long enough to properly mock them.  That’s just not right.  It is Shabbat dinner at Mike’s and it is so funny to watch the family checking out the shiksa.  I love the editing of this family dinner.

The dramatic music, the pregnant pauses, it is all brilliant.   Mike’s parents are adorable, his brothers are sweet, and the girlfriend Jessica is cute. Good luck kids.  That said, as a Jewish mother this is sad to me.  He couldn’t find a nice Jewish girl? Oy!  Mike, Asa, MJ and Reza are off to New York. I’m not getting the Boy George hat Asa is attached to.  They are driving around to fill an hour on a show with nothing, so we are skipping to GG.

GG is with Omid and it is sad.  She is thinking she could be with him seriously and he is saying he is a player.  He is a pig.  Back east Reza is having lunch with his Dad.  The story of his father leaving the family is very sad. The conversation is heartbreaking and to see Reza and his Dad cry touches me.  I really do love these people and it makes their dramatic change from season one to two even more disappointing.  I hope they get back to reality.

Lily is getting ready for a date and honestly people, everything about this girl is annoying except her dog.  She may be educated but she is also really dumb.  She is on a blind date with a guy named Hadi.  He is impressed with her beauty and she starts out charming, but that ends quickly.  Hadi is trying to be gracious but she is a rude bitch who won’t stop talking about her ex-boyfriend.  What is the appeal of this girl?  She is hideous.

Reza is explaining to the gang about his family and it is sad.  He wants to let it all go and feel compassion for a woman that has harmed his family.  He is kind and we see the man we all fell in love with. The Reza before he got a little too bitchy.   They arrive to dinner and the family is lovely.  The Grandmother is in the kitchen by herself and for reasons I cannot explain, I started to cry.  I feel for this woman and my heart breaks for her.

Reza goes to see her, remembering the last time he saw her she ignored him completely.   She demands a kiss and is loving, kind and grandmotherly.  I cannot stop crying.  Dear Lord what is happening to me? Enough Ilana.  All is forgiven and I am back to loving this show. It will pass of course and they will piss me off, but right now, I ain’t got nothing but love for the Shahs of Sunset.  Last week wraps and we are moving on.

Asa is at home and Reza comes to visit.  How does she own this house and is always complaining about having no money?  Reza asks her to meet with GG at Sammy’s house so everyone can make peace.  Asa reluctantly agrees. Meanwhile GG is having a pedicure with Lily.  Lily is bugging the crap out of me and their fake hang out is lame. GG wants us to know gingivitis is a procedure and I am laughing at how dumb these dingbats are.

Asa is recording a song in her Boy George hat.  Enough said.  We are skipping ahead.   Reza is meeting with GG and it is awkward.  This poor girl is trying to make up with everyone and it is desperate.  GG blames her bad behavior on her childhood but Reza is not buying it.  Reza is back!  He says they need a family meeting so the friends can make up. GG is in and we are off to lunch with MJ and her mother.  Vida is critical and starts up with MJ immediately.  Vida is a beautiful woman and I love her accent.

MJ tells her she has been in therapy and she would like her to go with her. Vida agrees to go.  By agrees to go of course I mean she blames MJ for hanging onto the past, indirectly calls her stupid, then gets mad at MJ for crying and leaves the table.  MJ tells the waiter to pack their food, Vida comes back and yells at the waiter for taking her food, then agrees to go to therapy with MJ.  I am laughing and crying at the same time.

Lily is at work and her ex-boyfriend’s friend come to see her.  Scripted.  He tells her she needs to give up on her bikini business and go back to practicing law.  He tells her she is not behaving like a good Persian girl needs to get it together.  He tells her she would be married to her ex already if she would stop with bathing suits and go back to practicing law.  Lame.  Lily is not married because she is ridiculous, not because of her ugly bathing suits.

MJ is with her mom at the Debby Harry lookalike therapist.  Couldn’t the therapist afford to get her hair colored before taping?  Come on. The session is personal and hurtful, but healing.  I am not a believer in televising therapy so I’m going to not comment any further on this.  Reza gets everyone to agree to go to dinner at Sammy’s house to sort things out with GG.  We then have therapy with GG so I am going to skip over that too.

We are now at Sammy’ house.  I love me some Sammy and don’t get what happened that he is not longer a featured character.  Sammy is good people, his house is killer, and everyone is arriving.  Those who are needed, and those who are not.  Omid. GG is there to make peace with Asa but completely ignores Asa.  Stupid.  Omid is talking code as a way to talk smack about Mike and it is on.  Mike is pissed and Omid is being a douche.

Mike is calm, GG is an idiot, and Reza is pissed he can’t enjoy his meal before things get ugly.  Omid threatens Mike and it is over.  Reza is annoyed with the terrorist, Omid, for busting up the peace summit.  I love Reza.  He wants a show of dicks to see whose is bigger and let me just say it again, Reza is back!  The fight continues next week so we’ll pick it up then.  Next week is the season finale and I have hope they will end by keeping it real.

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January 29, 2013 | 10:00 am

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Bash LeAnn Rimes

Posted by Ilana Angel

I am blogging this week having just returned from Brandi Glanville’s book launch.  Oh. My. God. This woman is hilarious. If you have ever had your heart broken, sent a drunk text, felt you would never be able to love again, or had your husband cheat with a bunch of whores including a washed up country singer with an unfortunate face, then this book is for you.  It is funny, smart, unfiltered, and pure Brandi.  I read it last night and it made me tear up and laugh out loud.  Brandi Glanville is fabulous.

We begin our week of Beverly Hills in Malibu.  Funny that not a lot of these women actually live in Beverly Hills.  We are with Yolanda who has prepared lunch for her friend Suzanne Summers, Kyle, and Lisa.  They are going to talk hormones and vitamins.  Suzanne is 66 years old and she looks remarkable.  Truly a well preserved human specimen.  Yolanda is channeling her inner Martha Stuart.  If Martha Stewart were socially awkward.  She is just a little rough around the edges when it comes to people.

Perhaps it is because she is European, but she says some cringe worthy things in my opinion.  That said, I am starting to really like her.  Sidebar: She was on Watch What Happens Live and was quite charming.  It has taken a minute but as I figure her out she becomes more likable and quite entertaining.  Kyle is sucking up to the celebrity, Lisa could care less about the celebrity, and it is predictable.  Kyle seems to think she is a celebrity and she is not.  She is simply famous.  Not the same thing.

Brandi has been asked to host some events in Vegas and part of it is to pole dance.  She goes to a pole dancing lesson but it would appear lessons are not in order.  Could her legs be any longer? Over at Kyle’s, she is having a dinner for her daughter who is graduating from middle school.  No matter how many times she prances out her beautiful children, she is still not likeable.  The fact that her own sisters did not come to the party, but she dragged in Adrienne and Faye, speaks volumes about who she is.

Adrienne comes and complains, Faye acts like people care about what she is saying, and I feel bad for the little girl that her mother used her party for camera time.  Kyle cries and it is really fascinating how she has mastered the fake cry.  Note to Kyle:  If you want us to really believe you are crying, tears are required.  From Kyle to Kim, we are now visiting a whole other kind of crazy.   Kim is hanging pictures and while I am thrilled for her sobriety, she is a nut job.  A very strange and possibly drunk woman.

She has decided to have a nose job.  An extreme way to get a prescription for pain killers, but to each their own.  Brandi is packing for Vegas and as she pulls things out of her closet I can picture LeAnn Rimes sitting at home taking pictures of each piece so she can run out and buy them.  Over with Marisa, she is packing with her mom.  Dear Lord this Mom is something else.  It is too early to tell if she is fabulous or a nightmare.  I like her but that relationship is a lot of work and I like Marisa more now.

Brandi, her BFF Jennifer, Lisa, Kyle, Camille and Marisa are off to Vegas while Yolanda stays home for the first night to welcome her husband home. They have an old fashioned relationship, and I like it.  She is playing the game and so good for her.  He’s a little creepy in how he speaks of her, but he also loves her in a way that I think is sexy.  Yolanda spends the night with her hubs while the ladies are out for dinner in Vegas.  It is an interesting group so we will see how the trip plays out and who cries.

Brandi tells Marisa that her husband loves her more than she loves him. Marisa says that is their banter and they are great.  Really?  We are not seeing that.  Marisa needs to love on her hubs.  Brandi is trying to explain to Kyle that they need to be kind and Kyle is listening but if you watch her closely, you can see her wheels spinning on how to make the conversation about her and not Brandi.  Then Camille swoops in and makes it about her. Nicely done.  Why is Camille even here? I thought she bailed.

They are talking about sex, divorce and heartache.  We get some insight into how Brandi found out, while pregnant, that her douchelord husband was cheating with LeAnn Rimes.  Then we get reality television gold when the ladies start bashing LeAnn.  I LOVE that they care calling out the crazy that is LeAnn Rimes.  In my opinion, LeAnn Rimes is a horrible human being.   She is mean, calculated, spiteful, pathetic, and unstable.  It’s only a matter of time before Karma comes knocking at her door. Any minute now.

The ladies are now talking about vaginas and oysters.  Really?   We are then asked to watch Kim get her nose consultation. Really?  Yolanda arrives in Vegas and we are off to the pole.  Brandi is nervous and it is adorable.  The reaction to her stumbling through is sweet.  This is the first time the ladies appear to actually like each other.  Brandi finds her way and in the end the women are all likeable, which never happens. All this niceness means a blow out is coming so get your wine ready because they’re about to keep it real.

Please check out my new web seris "THE REAL DEAL".  It fearures our first guest, the delicious Brandi Glanville.  There are some sound issuess, but we are working on correcting those.  Enjoy!

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January 28, 2013 | 8:17 am

Real Housewives of Atlanta Double Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

Last week things were starting to get ugly with Phaedra and Kenya over the work out video.  These women have a lot of time on their hands and I wonder what their lives are like when the cameras are not rolling.  I’m guessing it is a lot like watching paint dry.  They probably all sit around and call each other with a countdown of when the taping will start.  Dear Lord they are pathetic.

There is a hair show that Cynthia is judging and Kenya shows up because she is invited to everything in Atlanta.  Important to note: Kenya is a crazy person.  Certifiable.  As for Cynthia, she hates Kenya, yet here she is kissing her ass. Kenya and her madness are good TV so with NeNe in LA so much, Cynthia is clasping onto crazy for more TV time. Dear Lord she is pathetic.

Kenya tells Cynthia that since Phaedra has kicked her off the “Donkey Booty” project, she is producing her own video. One where you can achieve your own “Stallion Booty”.  I can’t tell if Bravo is kidding or not.   Are these grown women fighting over their asses?  Things are slow in Atlanta if this is the main storyline for these women. Dear Lord Bravo is pathetic.

NeNe is in Atlanta and hanging out with her granddaughter.  She is a beautiful baby and NeNe is cute with her.  Over with Kandi, she is getting her hair done, hears about the Stallion Booty video and immediately calls Phaedra because this woman is not breathing if she is not gossiping.  I really hope Ms. Kandi is getting paid extra to be the pot stirrer of the group.

It would appear that Cynthia is now paying Bravo to let them shoot her Bailey agency.  Who cares?   With NeNe and Kim gone there is more time to fill and they are scraping the bottom of the sweet tea barrel in Atlanta. Phaedra arrives with her husband and baby because Aiden is going to be a model.  He is gorgeous but not into it.  The scene is a waste of time.

Porsha arrives for no apparent reason too.  There is nothing going on with these women and that they come to a gym full of kids they could care less about is hilarious.  Again, WHO CARES?  Porsha, Phaedra and Cynthia are talking outside and it turns to the workout video.  Cynthia plays dumb, Porsha is dumb, and I am bored.   Atlanta is lulling me into a coma.

Phaedra is saying she did not realize Kenya was such a lunatic and Porsha is surprised that even though she is the dumbest one, she is the only one to see Kenya for the crazy bitch that she is.  Cynthia wants us to think she is a stellar businesswoman and it is sweet.  By sweet of course I mean it is now hard to tell who is dumber, Cynthia or Porsha. This show is exhausting.

Kenya and Kandi are having their staged fake friendship moment in a place that Kenya uses for her productions.  Kandi decides she needs to call out Kenya on the video.  They start yelling and getting heated on the subject and the poor guy who is touring them through the building excuses himself. Kenya needs to go and have a little “holiday” in a “hospital”.  Seriously.

I am going to skip over this because it is beyond ridiculous.  Meanwhile Phaedra told Porsha and Cynthia she was already shooting her video then she is shown meeting with a production team to make her video.  She has not started, she is lying, the new team is super successful, and Phaedra thinks she will be the next Jane Fonda.  What exactly are these women drinking?

Phaedra and Porsha are now out for coffee together in matching outfits. They are talking pregnancies, babies, and counseling but it quickly turns to how crazy Kenya is.  These two go on and on about what a horrible person she is and it is like watching an afternoon special of mean girls.  I’m sure Kenya watched this scene at home and her head exploded off her body.

Sidebar:  Was Apollo wearing nail polish?  Interesting.  It is time for the Bailey fashion show.   Aiden won’t walk down the runway so Apollo carries him.  Can Phaedra spell spoiled?    Kenya is there kissing NeNe’s ass and tells her all about Bootygate.  Kenya likes to tell people it is all about money and forgets it is also about her being crazy.  It is so fake and scripted.

Phaedra joins the group and the fight is on.  Phaedra is mad and lets Kenya know.  Apollo is calling Kenya copycat, Phaedra is holding it together, and Kenya needs to get a grip and head over to RuPaul’s Drag Race where she belongs, and leave these housewives alone.  Interesting that NeNe and Cynthia are trashing the donkey title behind Phaedra’s back.  Classy.

Kenya is with her trainer working out and tells him about her Stallion video. Kenya thinks it is her responsibility to America to make women look like beauty queens not donkeys.   Phaedra is at a photo shoot for her video and I am amazed that Phaedra thinks these scenes are good for her reputation. Important to note that Phaedra is way more beautiful than Kenya.

Kenya tells us she is in the gym around the clock to get her body.  Really? She spends as much tucking as crunching is my guess.  Phaedra is raunchy, and I think the whole thing is silly.  Over with Cynthia, she is expanding her business into pageants.  What is that smell?  It is desperation people.  God bless her for hustling, but she is so desperate for money it is sad.

We learn that the pageant business is a major scam.  Wow.  Who knew it was so sleazy?  Hahahaha. Who knew Cynthia would want to publicly show how sleazy she is?  Porsha and Kenya are having lunch, which is stupid.  Why would they meet and why would she go?  Because Bravo made her.  Kenya is apologizing, sort of, and says she wants to clear the air about what is happening between her and Phaedra.  Porsha does not care about any of it.

Porsha is not having it and I am loving Porsha.  Porsha does not want to buy into the drama and it quickly goes from silly to ridiculous.  Kenya storms off, Porsha storms off, Porsha calls Kenya ashy, Kenya rips all kinds of new ones on Porsha,and I do not know why I am watching this.  These women cannot sustain a storyline and we need to all walk away from the madness.

NeNe is shopping in LA for her house.   We quickly see NeNe should have her own show and it should be based out of Atlanta.  Cynthia is meeting with Cy the pageant guy and I cannot stand one more minute of it.  Cynthia makes fun of Porsha, but is willing to take her money.  Porsha is an idiot and we are quickly reminded that so is Cynthia.  She has done nothing to prepare.

Cynthia hires Porsha to runt he pageant and I am dying.  It is the blind leading the blind. Porsha is overwhelmed and I cannot wait to see how this one plays out.  The ladies are out to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant and clearly someone at Bravo is on a Moroccan kick.  It is Porsha, Kandi, Cynthia and Phaedra and they are all talking about Kenya being crazy.

It is nonstop gossiping.  Porsha is going to sing at the fashion show and Kandi is pissed off.  She is a singer and sick of everyone thinking they are singers. We never find out if Porsha can actually sing.    NeNe is at an acting class and it is out of place on this show.  She needs her own show because the housewives are now beneath her.  I love NeNe but she needs to go.

Cynthia is playing golf with Kenya.  Really?  They are gossiping about Phaedra, Cynthia is all over the place, and Kenya’s delusions are front and center.   Kenya is now out for a drink with Miss Lawrence and talking about Phaedra again.  Kenya accuses Phaedra of using the family heartache she shared with her against her.  These people are really quite ugly.

Then we get the best line of the night. Kenya implies that Phaedra looks manly.  Really?  Phaedra is not manly. Kenya however, may in fact be a man. NeNe is at her shoe launch as she has designed a shoe for charity.  NeNe is fabulous and all the ladies are coming to support her.  By support her of course I mean get camera time with the one housewife superstar.

It’s all very Godfather as they show the party and everyone happy, and flash to Kenya in the car as she plots to take aim and blow them all up. Kenya arrives and I am in heaven.  This woman is bat shit crazy.  She comes in the same bathing suit cover up Phaedra wore on vacation.  She is acting a fool and nobody seems to get how great what she is doing is. Oh. My. God.

She is dressed like Phaedra, with a donkey booty, acting the way Phaedra says she acts.  She is calling Phaedra on her crap and humiliating herself in the process.  So good!  If people are going to call her crazy, she is going to be crazy.  NeNe is calm and tries to work it all out.  Kenya calls out Phaedra and Phaedra is a total bitch in response.  Not cool Ms. Parkes.

Phaedra and Kenya are going at it and the others are watching in delight.  This show has gone ahead and lost it’s mind.   We are laughing at them not with them and I cannot believe they continue to humiliate themselves in this way.  I’m watching because it is funny and even though I desperately want to turn away, I just can’t. Time for Bravo to cut them loose and keep it real.

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January 26, 2013 | 1:42 pm

The Bachelor Week 3 Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

This show never changes.  Every year it is the same thing with new faces.  A man we all fall in love with as he tries to woo a woman, then becomes a slut who whores his way through a house of whores.  Fame whores.  I’m sure in the real world they are lovely, but here they are cliché.  It’s been three weeks and love has been found by all of them with a guy who is making out with  all of them.  This show is as nauseating as it is fabulous.

We start with Lesley M. getting a one-on-one date.  They are going to break the Guinness Book of Records for longest on camera kiss.  Oy Vey.  Are we seriously going to watch this? Chris Harrison is there, doing nothing, and her dress is so short I’m thinking we might get an ass shot before the kiss is over.  They have an insanely awkward kiss for what feels like hours, but the commentary from them both is hilarious.  This show is ridiculous.

If Lesley is not the final winner, and she won’t be, then the chick he picks will forever know, and watch on DVR, the longest on camera kiss between Sean and a woman who is not her.  This show is bad for women.  I love the romantic possibilities the ending brings, but the road to get there is disturbing.  By disturbing of course I mean if I were not having wine while watching this crap my eyes might actually start to bleed.

I like Sean but he is starting to get on my nerves.  In the end he is just a pig who is going to break hearts and spend more time thinking with his head than his brain or his heart.  Lesley is talking about her family, Sean is looking at her with lust, then he starts to blow smoke up her ass.  He says all the right things and if I were her I would think he was in love with me.  Sean is playing the game like a pro but I don’t think he is a player, so it is weird.

It is group date time.  This is my favorite because the claws come out and seemingly sweet girls turn into animals who are fighting for survival.  I can’t wait for the crying to begin.  I am not ashamed to say it is my favorite part. When they cry and talk about how he is the only man they will ever really love, my wine starts to taste better and I am sucked in.  Those five minutes are worth watching the rest of the garbage for two hours.

They are at the beach and everyone, including Sean, is waxed up the wazoo. Harrison is there and tells them they are splitting into two teams of six to play beach volleyball.  Winning team gets to continue the date, losers go back to the house. The ladies look awesome in their bikinis. Sean is drooling, Harrison is drooling, and the game is on.   The second the match is over the crying begins. Awesome.  Sean is excited about “quality time.”

Nothing says “quality time” like hanging out with six women at once.  Tool. The losers are at the house crying and the winners are at Sean’s house. Upon arrival Kacie B says it is so romantic.  Really?  How is sharing a man romantic?  Unless she is shooting a group porn film, there is no real romance happening here. The wedding dress chick is out of control with her compliments and Sean is surprised by how normal she can be. Normal?

Sean is making out with everyone and each one thinks she is the one. Des is kind of a bitch. Amanda is a freak but Sean tells her she has a genuine heart. Seriously?  Amanda is a crazy person.  Speaking of crazy, Kacie B is a lunatic. She runs to Sean to tattle about Des and Amanda not liking each other.  She is drama filled and her going to him is lame.  Kacie is an idiot and sealed her fate to be alone because everyone now knows she is all kinds of crazy.

Kacie’s plan backfires and Sean tells her she is crazy. The group date rose goes to Lindsay, which pisses off all the other women and sends Kacie into tears.  Des is pissed, Amanda is delusional, and Kacie is unraveling.   The next day AshLee is getting ready for her date.  She is the foster kid who was adopted and I really like her.  She is primping and feeling positive when Tierra slips and falls down the stairs.  Tierra is beyond desperate.

Paramedics come to help Tierra but she is not into it.  She does not want to go to the hospital and begs to be left alone.  Ashlee calls Tierra out on her stunt while Tierra is hanging out with Sean.  It’s annoying.  Sean takes AshLee to Six Flags in heels and a mini dress.  Not cute.  They are sharing the park with a couple of lovely young women who are besties and meeting for the first time.  They’re cute, Sean is cute, AshLee is cute.

The date ends with a concert by yet another band I have never hard of.  I never know who these Bachelor performers are.  The girls are dancing with each other and I start to cry.  So sweet.  Damn Mike Fleiss and his Bachelor shenanigans.  The charity aspect added in each season is great.  A little sun in the middle of crap is beautiful.  AshLee and Sean are alone and chatting. AshLee tells her story and I love her.  She is a lovely girl.

She talks about her time in foster care and being adopted at six.  Sean starts to cry and I now want them to get married and have babies and adopt babies and live happily ever after.  Damn it!  AshLee gets the date rose and a speech from Sean about his high hopes for them.  They make out while dancing to another song by his favorite band that nobody knows.  AshLee is in love and shared more than she has with any other man.  Dear Lord.

AshLee is crying but it is not annoying for some reason.  I like her and if she is not picked, she will be the next Bachelorette is my bet.   It is cocktail time and 3 girls are going home.  Sean has a surprise for Sarah and it is her dog from home.  Really?  She is sweet but she needs to go home.  He is never picking her in the end so just send her home rather than torture her with false hope.  Her dog Leo is cute, but she’s not winning.

Tierra is feeling great after her fake fall down the stairs.  Des steals Sean from Tierra and she is pissed.  Tierra comes and takes him right back.  It’s hilarious.  Everyone hates Tierra.  There is a lot of Sean stealing happening and tough Des is bawling and stressed out.  Too funny.  Kacie is wearing a scuba suit and steals Sean to talk about her tattles.  Sean is not into her, wants to dump her, and she knows it.  Poor thing.

It is rose time and before he hands out the first one, he takes Kacie aside and sends her home.  He tells her he has too much respect for her to make her go through a rose ceremony when he is not into her.  I am dying it is so good.  Kacie’s parting words is that she has a great life.  Not so much. The poor girl had her shot ruined by her parents, then ruined it herself this go round.  Kacie is gone and the roses are being handed out. 

Kristy the model and Taryn the health club manager are sent home.  They cry and fall apart at the loss of their shot to marry Sean.  It’s been a couple of weeks ladies!  We are down to a dozen and it feels like we have been watching for months.  Next week we will watch Tierra have a melt down while everyone plots to kill her. I usually switch to hard booze around week 8 but I’m hitting it next week.  Tequila always helps to keep it real.

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January 21, 2013 | 8:22 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Dumb and Dumber

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are back in Beverly Hills and these women do not disappoint.  Love them or hate them, they keep us engaged.  I don't like that many of them and so watching is good but blogging is great because it is more fun to write about the annoying ones. We pick up at the Moroccan dinner.

Mauricio is bagging on Brandi and we again see that just like his wife, he is an idiot. These people are rude, mean, and in love with their own voices.  They seem to think their opinions matter and they don’t. Not to any of the cast, and certainly not to us.    Mauricio needs to back the hell down and stay out of this.

Brandi is screaming at Mauricio and he won’t let it go.  Vile Kyle tells him to stop and says she does not want Brandi to feel attacked.  Well then, leave your husband at home.  Ken and Lisa are defending Brandi, but the attacks continue and she is pushed up against a wall.  It has gotten ugly.

Kim says she has been a single mom a long time and as such you must learn to keep your mouth shut.  Really?  I have been a single mother for 17 years and I have learned to never keep my mouth shut.  I will fight for my child.  Kim, like her sister and brother-in-law, is an idiot.

Drunk husband killer is talking about how she has been through more than anyone and I am laughing.  She is disgusting.  She tells Camille she doesn’t care about Yolanda’s opinion and gives us a laundry list of all her problems.  She then throws Yolanda’s husband under the bus.

The implication is that David Foster has skeletons in the closet.  Camille talks about how she does not care about Taylor’s story anymore, yet she sits with her at every event and listens to them. Taylor is a drunk, Yolanda does not care about any of them, and Lisa is a lady.

Brandi has to fight all the crap her sperm donor and his whore throw at her, then has to deal with these lunatics.  Kim and Mauricio realize they agree with each other and are surprised.  I’m not surprised.  They are both idiotic so of course they agree.  I wish this family would get fired.

Ken is a mensch and gallant in his defense of his friend.  Lisa and Ken share that things have changed in their relationship with Kyle and Mauricio.  They are too good to hang out with garbage.  Lisa wants to be pushed on her swing and it is adorable.  I love these two.

Kyle and Mauricio are having Paul and Adrienne over for dinner.  Adrienne is always on her phone.  Who the hell is she texting all the time?  Certainly not her stylist because it would appear she does not have one.  This chick needs new clothes, new hair, and her old face.

Kyle is making everything about her and Adrienne brings it back to Brandi. We know Paul and Adrienne hate each other and their marriage was already ending, so watching them fake it is lame.  They are lying, this is about their issues not Brandi, and their desperation is unattractive.

Kyle is again making it all about her and I’m grossed out.  Adrienne is over it and we are off to Yolanda's.  She is talking about her ex Mohammed and how they still work together in that she decorates his homes. She is condescending to the help and I find myself not really getting her.

Kim is having her physic over to explain that she is feeling spirits in her home.  This woman is insane and so is the medium..  Kim seems to be drunk.  I know she is not, bless her, so I'm guessing her dumbness comes across as drunk.  The entire scene is embarrassing.

Sidebar:  Kyle doing commercials for Turbo Tax gives me a sharp lower back pain.  Yolanda is with Mohammed and their kids at his house. Their relationship is sweet and I dig her view on it.  That said, I think her grace comes fr money not an authentic kindness.

Kyle and her whore Faye are shopping.  Faye is talking about how she is a designer and it is something you are born with. Faye is a loser who is after an additional 15 minutes of fame because her first run, where she danced on the grave of her friend, was not enough.

Brandi is out with Marisa, her husband and brother.  Weird that the brother comes to everything, but whatever.  Her husband seems sweet and Brandi feels for him because Marisa brags about her husband, then in the same minute says he does not make enough money. 

Brandi is going to Vegas and has invited Marisa, Yolanda and Lisa.  Marisa is not that into her husband and I find her to be weird.  That said, I like her, but to be clear, she is weird.  Over to Brandi, she is going to an event where Kyle will be and she wants to make sure they are cool.

Kyle says she does not hold a grudge for Brandi calling her husband an asshole, but does not apologize for her husband being an asshole. At the gallery Brandi is there with her pal Jennifer who I love.  I think the gallery owner was on Millionaire Matchmaker. Am I right about that?

Yolanda is alone.  Poor thing.  Her husband never comes out. Lisa, Yolanda and Brandi get a tour and Yolanda sees a painting she likes.  It is listed at 14K but she wants a deal.  Kyle arrives looking absolutely ridiculous. What the hell is she wearing?  How old does she think she is?

Yolanda buys a painting, after ripping the artist off in front of all of us. Brandi invites the rest of the girls to Vegas.  Taylor can’t come because she is going to try to make money off the death of her husband again.  Paris Hilton shows up and her walk cracks me up.  She is just silly.

I have met Paris and she is sweet, but honestly, this chick is dumb. The Richards/Hilton family are attractive, not bright.  Is it better to be really dumb and gorgeous, or not as attractive and really smart?  Hard to say but in the case of this family, they are dumb and dumber.

Marisa talks horribly about her husband and Brandi points it out.  This woman is looking for fame and excitement and I feel bad for her husband. This is not going to end well when he sees what smack she is talking about him.   I’d love to be a fly on the wall as they watch this episode.

Mauricio uses the party as an opportunity to give Ken a gift. but Ken is not into the sucking up.  I love Ken so much. He is lovely, stands up for the honor and integrity of the ladies in his life, and I think he is divine.  Mauricio feels the brush off and it is great.

Mauricio then lands himself in Pussyville when he gossips about his interaction with Lisa to Kyle and husband killer.  He seems to think he is a housewife.  Oy!  I like this show, but I love to blog this show.  I will be back next week with a bottle of wine, ready for Vegas, and keeping it real.

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January 17, 2013 | 12:18 pm

Kardashian, Rimes, Cougar Wives & American Idol

Posted by Ilana Angel

This cannot be real!

It has been an interesting week in the world of reality television.  I am constantly fascinated by the people who have found their 15 minutes of fame, and intrigued by those who have managed to create careers and fortunes without any sign of talent.  God Bless America.  Where else can you become a multi-millionaire for making a sex tape and being an idiot?

Kim Kardashian is a genius.  An idiotic genius.  She made a sex tape where she laid there and did nothing but chew gum, yet she is a superstar.  She is also pregnant with one man’s baby, while married to another.  I find most everything about her to be annoying. This week however, she became offensive to me as she lied her way through multiple TV appearances.

We all watched as Khloe Kardashian went to a fertility specialist and learned getting pregnant would be a challenge.  Kim sat there and tried to make it about her, but in the end she was fine.  She wants us to think her baby was a miracle because her eggs were to be frozen and then she was blessed with a pregnancy?  Kim Kardashian is a liar and a painfully hurtful sister.

Khloe is the most popular Kardashian, has the best marriage, the most loving husband and the most high profile job.  Kim cannot stand it so she tried to take infertility from her.  What a selfish and stupid girl.  As a sister, and a woman who spent years and thousands trying to get pregnant, I think Kim Kardashian is a disgusting and shameful human being.

Speaking of shameful human beings, LeAnn Rimes was all over the place this week giving “exclusives” to ass kissing celebrity “journalists”.  Nancy O’Dell was the latest Hollywood reporter to suck up to the unfortunate looking Rimes.  There was no exclusive, as nothing was new, there was however a whole lot of crap from a pathological liar flailing out of control.

This unfortunate looking woman went on television and laughed about infidelity and suicide.  She said any smart person would know that suicide is an option.  Really?  The insensitivity of this woman is shocking and I do not understand why she is not being advised to stop talking. She is systematically digging a grave for her career and it is mesmerizing.

To laugh about being so sad you want to kill yourself is ignorant.  To talk about her Twitter war with Brandi as being one sided is laughable.  LeAnn Rimes spends a large part of every day tormenting Brandi Glanville and it would be hilarious if it were not so disturbing.  She is a pathological liar with a maniacal need to hurt the woman who she hurt so badly.

LeAnn Rimes is a spiteful human being.  She is so insecure in her marriage to a cheater that it is making her crazy.  Eddie Cibrian cheated on Brandi and it would appear cheated on LeAnn, and now LeAnn will spend the rest of her relationship with him, which will end sooner rather than later, sleeping with one eye open and trolling his cell phone while he’s in the shower.

Speaking of showering, I watched a reality show this week that made me feel so dirty I needed to shower when it was over.  Extreme Cougar Wives on TLC is a fascinating look at older women dating younger men.  It would have been more believable if the young men dating the old women were in fact not gay, but still, it was disturbing on a whole new level.

Hattie is in her 70’s and absolutely adorable.  Until she starts talking.  She likes to date young men and recently slept with an 18 year old.  So wrong. She picks up a man at the pool that is wearing a sweater made out of hair and their exchange made my eyes bleed.  Bless this woman for wanting her 15 minutes in the spotlight but come on.  This is not cute.

Jude is 53 and in a relationship with her daughter’s ex-boyfriend, who is 21. Yes, you read that right.  They have sex in his parent’s house and she leaves through the bedroom window so his mom won’t find out.  Dear Lord.  They have a marriage ceremony performed by the Church of Crazy and I cannot look away even though my eyes have fallen out and are on the floor.

Stephanie is 37 years older than her gay boyfriend Octavio. They are mortifying.  This show is creepy, and seems so fake it is probably real which is upsetting.  I am 46 years old and dating someone who is 40 would feel weird to me so I don’t understand who these people are or how this is even possible.  That said, while disgusting, they are sort of my idols.          

Speaking of idols, American Idol premiered their 12th season last night and I watched.  I’m not into this show and only pay attention when they are down to the top 10, but I was interested in the new judges and so I hunkered down for a painful two hours to see how it would play out.  I am proud of only falling asleep 3 times and that I managed to not spill my wine!

Keith Urban is charming and lovely.  I think he takes the show seriously but he said yes to some that I did not think were talented and no to others who I would have given a shot to.  Time will tell how he is as a judge, but basing my opinion on first impressions only, I liked him.  Randy Jackson is useless on this sow, as he has been for years, and should have been canned.

He needs a vocabulary overhaul.  He is not funny, not entertaining, and brings nothing here.  I truly don’t get why he is back.  By don’t get it of course I mean Mariah probably said she would sign only if he was brought back. Thanks Mariah.  We were so close to getting rid of him.  Mariah Carey is a superstar, no doubt about it, however she is also a total diva.

Mariah obviously thinks Nicki Minaj is more gimmick than talent, and they don’t like each other.  Mariah is jealous of Nicki’s youth, and Nikki thinks Mariah is a dinosaur.  They both want to be Queen Bee but neither one stands a chance because that title belongs to Ryan Seacrest.  I like Ryan, think he is brilliant on this show, but overall I could care less.

It is a sad commentary on our country when a lifeless sex star, home wrecking whore, perverted old women, gay man sleeping with old ladies, and rich people behaving badly, are what we see on television.  Between these people and Lance Armstrong admitting he is a loser, it makes me want to break my TV.  Instead I will continue to watch and keep it real.

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