August 28, 2012 | 3:16 pm

Real Housewives of NYC – She is Coma Toast!

Posted by Ilana Angel

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The much anticipated three part trip to St. Barths has begun.  We start with the flight onto the small island and Carole talking about the loss of John and Caroline.  I love Carole and actually don’t like it when she talks about them. She seems uncomfortable when she does and I imagine a Bravo producer telling her she has to talk about them.  It feels creepy.

They are all there except for Aviva who was too scared to leave her husband.  The house is gorgeous and as they are getting their tour, Ramona is rude and tells them to hurry up so she can get in the pool.  Ramona is a pig. She is crass, rude, obnoxious, and idiotic.  Ramona gets the master suite and she opts to share with Sonja. Carole stands out as a class act.

I love it that Carole says how she feels without fear.  She says she wants to be far away from Sonja and Ramona but says it to the ladies, not just the camera. It’s awesome.  Carole discovers that the house they are staying at is someplace she went on holiday with her husband 15 years earlier and it’s a shocking moment for her.  Carole is truly a lovely girl.

Back at the main house Heather runs into a glass door thinking it was open. She has hurt herself and is resting with ice as Luann, the nurse, tends to her.  I cannot imagine Luann ever working as a nurse.  She probably became a nurse so she could nab a doctor.  Luann is in the pool with Ramona and Sonja. The twins, Drunky and Slutty, are getting sloshed.

Carole’s boyfriend is going to come by after dinner but by that time the hags will be hammered and it’s a risky plan.  Heather is back but her nose is so unfortunate looking that you can’t tell if it is even swollen.  The chef and butler are handsome and there is a lot of touching and lusting happening courtesy of Mrs. Morgan.  She is a very sloppy drunk.

Sonja is mumbling about her ex-husband, moving forward, and her toaster oven.  She truly is a mess and I worry about her mental wellbeing.  Sonja wants to talk about the toaster oven, Ramona wants to bash Heather, Heather wants to slit her wrists, and Luann makes her exit.  Carole bails too and Ramona follows her, and Carole is not amused.

Heather and Sonja are still fighting about the toaster oven meeting and Carole tells Ramona she is nervous.  Ramona tells her not to worry she will just be herself and Carole responds by telling her NOT to be herself.  It is hilarious.  Carole is the only one who says to the ladies what she says to the cameras. Important to note I use the word ladies loosely.

Russ comes and he seems like a nice guy.  I don’t really get it, but whatever. Carole seems happy.  Ramona tries to be normal but it is an epic failure. Sonja is wasted. Heather is lovely, and Luann is invisible.  Sonja tells Russ they were nervous to meet him and Ramona yells at her that she should speak for herself.  Carole is ready to get the hell out of there.

Russ is being charming, Luann is very manly, and Sonja is drunk and horny.  Sonja goes off to flirt with the butler and Carole and Russ go to her room. It is odd because she tells him he should stay with her for the night.  Really? She has not seen him in weeks and there was no plan for him to stay the night?  I don’t get their arrangement and it was weird.

In the morning Sonja is worried she was okay with Russ and Ramona is annoyed that Russ was there.  It was a weekend for girls only and not fair that Carole got to be with her boyfriend.  Carole reminds them that she is always with them and their husbands and they all need to shut the hell up. I’d rather watch an hour of Carole alone than these bitches.

They are at the beach and Sonja is so incredibly inappropriate that I honestly wonder how it is that she is not being sued for custody of her daughter.  In fact, I wonder what their arrangement is.  I am thinking she does not have her daughter that often because she is unstable.  I laugh at Sonja but the poor girl needs to get some help.

Ramona is throwing around Yiddish, Sonja is looking to get laid, and I am bored. Sonja is talking about how she is taking the girls out and it makes me drink more.  She has no money and Bravo is taking them all out.  Why does she feel the need to impress us?  We think she is a dunk and while loveable, she is a hot mess and not impressing anybody.

They are at the club and Sonja is acting like she knows the place but I’m guessing it’s been a million years since she was there.  There is a Johnny Depp look-a-like with his girlfriend and Luann is all over him.  Everyone is getting drunk and there is a burlesque show the girls are all going to be a part of and I’m ready for bed. Will finish up in the morning.

Sidebar:  I am now writing this in the middle of the afternoon and it’s horrible because I have to drive carpool and make dinner so I can’t have any wine and this show sucks without a drink.  I also want to point out that I have decided I rally like Heather.  It took me a minute to get her and I think I finally do.  I really like her and think she has chutzpah.

This show is not interesting and watching is a drag.  We all know something great is coming, but the way they drag us along so slowly is aggravating.  All the ladies are dancing and Luann is off flirting with a pirate.  Come morning, all hell has broken loose and the women are on a witch hunt for Luann who is hung over and scrambling to undo what she has done.

Luann spent the night with the pirate but she tells a story about being with a group of Italian friends.  Everyone knows she slept with the pirate and she is quickly contradicting her stories.  Best line of the show is from Heather to say she was awoken by two male voices and one was Luann.  Freaking awesome. Heather confirms Luann was with the pirate.

Carole and Heather are chatting with Aviva and she tells them she is coming with for the weekend.  They tell the others Aviva is coming and they pretend to be happy about it.  Everyone is gossiping about Luann’s houseguest and Ramona is annoyed that Reed is going to stay at the house.  Sonja thinks he should stay at a hotel while Aviva stays with them.

It’s so stupid.  Ramona and Sonja are beyond excited to have caught Luann cheating and it’s sad.  These women are not friends at all.  Heather can’t wait to gossip to Carole about it and Luann is desperate to talk to Jacques and let him know she was with her Italian friends. Seriously, do these losers not realize they were a mic and there are cameras everywhere?

Sonja is in bad shape with her hangover and Ramona lets us know she “soma toast”.  That is funny.  Heather is worried about Jacques and that Luann has made a huge mistake.  Luann is obsessed over how much her lover looks like Johnny Depp and it’s just pathetic.  Aviva is annoying, Heather is quite cute, and you can see Carole wondering why she did this show.

Heather has changed her bathing suit for some reason.  The reason of course is that the show is scripted, they needed to do some reshoots, and Bravo is so dumb they never noticed it was a different suit.  Ramona wants Luann to tell Reed to stay at a hotel and I am really pissed off I can’t have a drink.  Dear Lord.  This show is truly ridiculous.

Luann is telling everyone she had a whole group of Italian friends over and it is a lie.  That she is so dumb is rather entertaining.  She gets a call form her friend Cat, who is not Italian, and tells her that she must tell the pirate that he cannot tell anyone that he was with her last night.  She walks away which cracks me up.  YOU HAVE A MIC ON YOUR DUMBASS!

This is going to get bad before it gets good for the ladies, which means nothing but good for us.  I like the train wreck but it is getting old.  It is silly to think they are friends, or can even tolerate each other outside of the show.  I’m in until the end, or at least until Aviva calls Slutty and Drunky white trash.  I will need wine next week to keep it real.

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August 27, 2012 | 7:23 am

RHONJ – Time To Go Manzo

Posted by Ilana Angel

This week is what seems like the 8th week in Napa. The show is all about everyone talking crap about Teresa, her defending herself, chicks fake crying, men acting like children, and the fans getting one step closer to being alcoholics because it has become near impossible to watch without a drink to take the edge off.  It is a train wreck and Caroline is to blame.

The entire family is calling Kathy a saint for putting up with Teresa not thanking her in a toast, which is lame.  Teresa spoke from the heart about her brother and her hosts, and Kathy is an idiot.  She is a troublemaker, a whiner, has chosen to be on the side of hate instead of family, and it’s time for her and her deuchebag, creepy husband to be cut from this show.

To deflect from the tension, Joe Gorga tells everyone to get into the hot tub.  Juicy joins him and Albie Manzo wants to know when it’s going to get gay. I think it is hilarious.  Albie is not getting undressed until it starts getting gay?  The entire Manzo family is a waste of time on this show and they need to move on.  By move on, of course I mean get fired by Bravo.

Melissa and Teresa join their husbands in the hot tub.  Caroline is complaining she wants the night to end, and Kathy comes over to be an idiot and stir trouble.  They invite her into the water and she says she does not want to disturb the family love.  She is assured there is love for her, and she says obviously there is not because Teresa left her out of the toast.

Kathy tells the camera that she knows Teresa better than most and she is nothing but a mean girl.  She then tells us she is not going anywhere.  Really? First she is going to hell.  Then she is going to the reality television star unemployment line.  She is trying to cause trouble to seem relevant but the fact is that we don’t care about her and she needs to get lost.

Kathy calls out Teresa and Teresa could care less.  She never excluded her, it was simply not about Kathy.  Teresa calls Kathy insecure, then Kathy gets in the water with her bathing suit wrap on, which is the ultimate in insecure. Kathy then proceeds to confront Teresa about the toast and I am, at four minutes in, opening up a bottle of wine so I can watch it.

Juicy, Melissa and Joe Gorga bail out of the water and you know there is a producer off to the side orchestrating the entire conversation.  By conversation of course I mean an ambush of Teresa by Kathy.  Teresa is not getting why Kathy has a problem, then it gets weird when Kathy starts talking about Caroline, and Teresa’s mistreatment of her.

The entire Manzo family is sitting on a couch listening to them and it’s beyond stupid.  Teresa is telling Kathy she has done what she can to get along with everyone and Kathy is not letting it go.  Kathy is picking and picking and Caroline is starting to fume on the couch.  With each scene Teresa looks normal and everyone else looks crazy.  It is not entertaining.

Teresa walks away from Kathy because it’s stupid, Caroline is ready to fight, and the men are starting to get edgy.  Jac is passive aggressive and Caroline thanks Kathy for coming to her defense.  Kathy says she just wanted to help and they all know her.  Really?  We know you too Kathy and you are a pathetic and desperate bitch who is looking to stay on television.

Caroline is bashing Teresa, and Jac and Melissa want nothing to do with it. Caroline is saying Teresa has many faces and the tension is rising.  Teresa comes back and Caroline is ready to rumble.  She says she can’t even look at Teresa and seriously, it is hilarious.  Caroline has gone too far and nobody is trying to reel her back in.  She is digging her own grave.

Teresa says she is not sure what to do to make things better, and Caroline continues to throw her under the bus.  Caroline is acting like a spoiled bitch. Important to note that Caroline Manzo has not brushed her hair all season and it is getting nasty.  We are back to talking about the tabloids and we are reminded this entire season is about hating Teresa for no reason.

Sidebar:  The editors of this show need to get fired.  The camera goes back and forth between the men and women and it is clearly all scripted.  It’s as if they are telling the women, hold your fight for a second, we will be right back, they play the women in the background screaming, but show Caroline smiling and looking around.  It is fake and offensive to me as a fan.

Caroline is still talking about the cookbook, and we se how jealous she is that Teresa is getting all the magazine covers and she and her children are going nowhere fast.  Teresa is keeping her cool and not getting sucked back into the drama while Caroline is spinning out of control.  Jac pretends to sleep through the big fight and I have an intense urge to kick her while she sleeps.

Is Caroline trying to take credit for fixing Teresa’s relationship with her brother?  Yes she is.  Teresa is amazed at the crap Caroline is spewing while Melissa and Kathy are staying out of it and Jac is fake sleeping.  Everyone is going to bail on the Manzo family because it is clear that a future on this show is more likely alongside Teresa than Caroline.

Caroline calls Teresa a liar, fraud, and disgrace.  Teresa is offended but holding it together.  Caroline says she learned a lot about her through spending time with her family.  Teresa is now fuming and asks Kathy if this is what she wanted when she stirred trouble.  Kathy tells the camera she thinks maybe she made a mistake getting involved.  Really?

Kathy is irrelevant to this show and she was scrambling to figure out a way to stay on it, but picked the wrong side.  She sided with Caroline and it is now biting her in the ass.  Melissa did the same thing and quickly saw where the opportunities were and switched teams.  The show is imploding and in the end the only way to save it is to dump the Manzo clan once and for all.

Back to the men, Chris Laurita is telling Juicy he is unhappy he told people he was shady and Juicy denies it. There is tension for a second, then they get over it.  The men all kiss and you see a genuine affection for each other, which is nonexistent with the women.  They are not friends, do not like each other, and need to come to blows and start pulling hair already.

Caroline is being a crazy bitch, Teresa is standing up for herself, and it’s lame.  Teresa goes to Juicy for backup and Juicy calls out Caroline and tells her to let it all go.  The book was a million years ago and she needs to move on.  Albie says he will attack whoever attacks his mother and Albert sits back and does nothing, which is kind of his thing on this show.

Juicy wants it to be over, Chris Manzo is defending his mother, and Caroline is saying Juicy is drunk and she is worried Albert will go off and knock out Juicy.  The men handle it like grown ups while the bitches are bitches. Albert backed down immediately and you have to wonder about exactly how delusional Caroline really is.  Lauren speaks up and says nothing.

Caroline says she is as Italian as Teresa and I’m laughing.  Who gets to decide who is more Italian? Lauren is back to the cookbook, Caroline is jealous she is not asked to be on magazine covers and Jac and Melissa are ignoring Caroline.  Teresa is now pissed off and cannot believe she is back to defending her fame to people who are jealous and ridiculous.

Teresa is talking to Kathy and lifts her chin so she will look at her and Kathy acts like she hit her and it’s hilarious because Kathy is trying to hard to secure herself another season and I cannot see it happening.  She brings nothing to this show but a disgusting husband and a painful whine.  Kathy sold her soul to devil for fame and he is now done with her.

Caroline is loving Kathy right now and Teresa is done.  Miraculously, Kathy has the magazine story on her phone and starts to quote it.  Teresa is saying it was not a big deal and Caroline is budding into the conversation as if the battle is hers. It is uncomfortable to watch and there is no joy in watching people get attacked in this way.  Juicy is done and he gets his girl.

Juicy tells Teresa they have an earlier flight and they are going home. Lauren and Caroline are calling her a piece of sh** and Carline says “God help us all” which is hilarious because evoking God is not going to help her desperate and black heart.  Lauren Manzo is a total and complete idiot and that she is sharing her opinion is laughable because we don’t care.

Teresa comes back to tell Caroline that she never sold a story about her and Caroline is saying it is over.  Teresa bails and Caroline tells Kathy she appreciates her trying but she is done.  She says Teresa stinks and hanging around with her is making her stink in return.  Caroline is a loser and she is raising her children to be losers too.  Time to go Caroline.

Important to note that the reason Caroline stinks is not because she associates with Teresa, but because it would appear she never washes her hair.  If you are going to be on television, then maybe just run a brush through your hair once in a while right?  She stinks because she is a pig, and in the end jealously has a stench and she bathes in it.

Caroline tells Melissa and Kathy that Teresa has been talking garbage about them forever.  She won’t go there, but they need to know it is bad.  Joe Gorga comes over, Caroline is calling Teresa a beast, and Joe is not having it. He tells Melissa they are leaving and he is standing with his sister on this one.  Melissa agrees and it is the only nice moment on this train wreck.

Lauren says Teresa is lucky her Daddy did not go off on her and I’m laughing. Teresa is surprised but happy Joe and Melissa are leaving with her, and Kathy is in Teresa’s room trying to get more camera time.  Kathy is back peddling say she was on her side.  Really?  We saw you push her under the bus and now you want us to think it was to help Teresa not hurt her?

Kathy is losing her mind because she realizes she picked he wrong side, Melissa wants Teresa to remember they chose her side, and Caroline is crying like a baby in the bathroom.  Next week will mark the return of Dina Manzo but even fabulous Dina can’t help the Manzo’s now.  If Dina sticks by Teresa and not Caroline then she will be the only Manzo to keep it real.

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August 21, 2012 | 9:05 am

Real Housewives of New York City are Lame

Posted by Ilana Angel

It is amazing what these women are willing to show on television.  They may no longer be entertaining, but they are fascinating.  We start this week at the same party as last week.  Aviva is a yenta who stirs up trouble and Heather is annoyed by how everyone backstabs each other.

Ramona lashes out at Heather and walks away from her.  Heather tells Mario his wife is crazy, which he calmly denies.  Heather simply does not get why Ramona has such a problem with her, and is then reminded by Mario that Heather dissed his wife by not inviting her on the trip to London.

It’s crazy that Aviva is concerned with Heather being wrong when it was Aviva who started the problems.  Aviva is annoying and in the end Heather may just be too smart for this group.  I don’t get her and don’t find her appealing, but she is a grown up compared to Aviva’s silliness.

Aviva is stuttering, Heather is bailing, and Ramona is dropping F Bombs and gossiping up a storm.  We leave the party and are at the plastic surgeon with Ramona and Sonja so they can prep for St. Barts.  It is lame and the comments on Twitter are more entertaining than the show.

Ramona appears to have an uneven fake tan in preparation of the scene, which pisses me off.  We all know this is scripted, but when Bravo makes no attempt to hide the scripting, I am offended.  Dear Bravo, we may be stupid for watching, but we are not stupid people.

Aviva is doing a charity work out class and the product placement for Soul Cycle is over the top.  Ramona and Sonja cancel at the last minute and Aviva is annoyed since she just hosted them for a week in Miami.  She then talks about the one thing she does not want us to talk about.

Heather, LuAnn, and Carole join the class and as a special surprise they play LuAnn’s song during the workout.  We are reminded of how truly horrible the song is.  Everyone starts singing along and let’s be completely clear, everyone sings the song better than Luann does.  Everyone.

Heather is not into Aviva these days but she goes to the class to support the charity, which is classy.  Aviva complains to Carole that Sonja and Ramona bailed.  Aviva likes to talk about everyone behind their backs and it makes her gross to me.  She is a high school mean girl.

Ramona takes a cab and she is horrific to the driver.  She is a snob and a bitch.  I want to slap her.  I would have kicked her out of the cab.  I would have told her I had an emergency and kicked her out.  She is rude, condescending, and critical of the very lovely cab driver.

Carole and Aviva are fake shopping and Aviva is still talking about all the things that she does not want people to judge her on.  Shut up Aviva.  You are neurotic and have a fake leg. We get it so just stop talking about it already. Carole then makes a John Kennedy Jr. reference.  Finally.

Bravo has been waiting forever for her to make the reference so we can all think she is legit, but the truth is she is the only legit one there.  We like her without her history so Bravo needs to stop salivating over her talking about it.  Aviva needs to lock up in her house and never leave.

I like Carole more each week and her talking about liking men who are sexual, geographically undesirable, and emotional unavailable was hilarious to me. Meanwhile Ramona and Luann are bikini shopping.  Luann says bikini shopping is like masturbation and should be done alone.

Ramona tells her it’s sexy to have someone watch and I spit out my wine, which pisses me off because I hate to waste my wine. Ramona does not strike me as someone who touches herself, and Luann refuses to let us see her in a bathing suit while Ramona is prancing around.

They are talking about Aviva behind her back and I cannot believe these women are not more aware of how they come across.  I would not want to be friends with any of these chicks, other than Carole.  I wonder if these lunatics get that we are laughing at them not with them.

Aviva and Heather, who don’t like each other, do a play date with their kids and while the kids are lovely, it is painfully fake and I can’t be bothered with this crap.  Aviva has put her neurosis on to her kids and I find myself wondering how Alex and Jill would have been with the new girls.

Aviva is presenting running legs to a young boy and it is lovely.  I was truly touched by the scene.  Bless Aviva for using the show to shine awareness on this important cause.  It does not make her any better as a housewife, but it is important so I hope the exposure helps her cause.

Carole and Aviva are with Sonja for a fake lunch at Ramona’s and the scripting is getting sloppy.  Carole tells the lushes that Aviva was upset they blew off her charity event and they start up with their excuses.  Ramona and Sonja are totally lying and it’s hilarious.  They are digging deep.

They are drunk and holding hands so they can squeeze each other with secret messages to keep their lies straight and it is funny.  Aviva arrives which is stupid because why would she go when they blew her off?  It’s called scripting.  Ramona sucks up by presenting a check to Aviva.

Sonja is annoyed because she can’t write a check because she has her own charities.  Really?  Sonja cannot write a check period and I’m guessing she has not donated to charity in forever.  You can support a cause without giving money and that is how Sonja rolls because she is broke.

Aviva is pissed and Sonja is crazy.  She is going on and on about her dog having no bladder control and him, as a dog, being humiliated and embarrassed by the situation.  It was freaking hilarious.  Sonja is crying and Aviva is ready to lunge across the table and smack her.

Carole is watching with discomfort but amazement, Sonja is screaming that her dog is important, Ramona is screaming about nothing, and I am in heaven. Aviva announces she is over it and Sonja says Aviva does not understand her pain.  It is remarkable that Bravo thinks this okay.

They have run this show into the ground and it’s a drag because it used to be good.  Everyone kisses each other’s ass and says sorry when they don’t mean it.  Lunch goes on and I’m exhausted.  Next week we head to St. Barts and it is going to get ugly.  Really ugly.

We are all excited to see the St. Barts trip but it’s going to be on for three weeks and we will be killing ourselves by the middle of week 2.  These weeks of crap will all be worth it when we are served blogging gold.  I will be here, with my wine, doing what they can’t, keeping it real.

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August 20, 2012 | 7:00 pm

Married to Jonas is Horrible & I’m Hooked

Posted by Ilana Angel

I’d love to tell you that I watched this show because it is my job, but the truth is I was curious.  My curiosity quickly turned to the type of fascination that one experiences when watching a train wreck.  You want to turn away, but you just can’t.  This might be the most horrific reality show on television and I am not proud to say that I am hooked.

The show focuses on Kevin Jonas and his new wife Dani.  Kevin is annoying and Dani’s voice makes me want to swallow glass.  The two of them live together in a ridiculous mansion and I find myself actually laughing at them and their lameness.  It is only 22 minutes long but it feels like hours.  I am in hell, but can’t stop watching.  It is blogging gold.

We start with Kevin having a morning bowel movement, which makes Dani giggle.  Her laugh is like nails on a chalkboard.  She is in full make up, he wants to make out, and her dad shows up.  She scrambles to put on shoes but when we see her feet there are no shoes.  Nice editing.  The dad is adorable, but these Nick and Jessica wannabes are boring

Dad is talking about food and it’s very sweet.  He should have his own show, but not his kid.  Pops leaves and Dani and Kevin are off to an event.  They are in the car and Kevin is eating what he thinks is the best sandwich ever.  He is going on about how great it is and you can’t help but think it’s cute.  Then she speaks and the cuteness is killed.  So annoying.

Her voice is slow and whiny and while inappropriate, I wonder what she sounds like during sex.  Her laugh makes my ears bleed and yet I find her oddly interesting.  She is fish out of water and it’s charming.  Her family is very sweet.  She is cooking dinner for Kevin’s family and wants her family to help cook, but not stay for dinner.  Good call.

Dani is clearly intimidated by her mother-in-law, which is reality television perfection.  Cut to the Jonas Brothers in the studio and it’s hilarious.  Nick is clearly the leader of the group and Kevin is there because he’s family.  Kevin is saying he wants a lyric to be “on the edge of nowhere” and Nick is ignoring him, probably because he has heard of Lady Gaga.

Dani is freaking out about the Jonas family coming to dinner and so her whine is a little more irritating.  Her mother and sister are cooking and Kevin returns from the market.  They all attack him for getting the wrong thing and the scripting is clearly done by people who don’t consider English as their first language.  I am embarrassed for them.

Dani makes a joke about out bananas in bed and it is the type of scene that drives me to drink.  Dani is a little off.  Not sure if it’s a speech impediment, but she just comes across as a little slow.  The family arrives for dinner and so the fear and humiliation will begin.  To be clear, I thought the Jonas family is a little cultish and the show confirms it.

Dani does not know that bacon is pork and we are shown that she is really an idiot.  Dinner is served and nobody talks.  It’s creepy.  Then the dad wants to talk business.  Everyone wants to know if Kevin and Dani are going to have a baby, which will put a damper on their touring plans.  Dani is mortified that her pregnancy plans are being discussed as a family.  Creepy.

Dani wants to be involved in decisions regarding her pregnancy.  Really?  How dare she?  I feel bad for her.  She is upset, does not understand why they are all up in her business, and we are reminded she is very young and struggling to find her way in a family of opinions.  As much as this show makes me itchy, I am hooked and a train wreck is coming.

Kevin tells her it will be fine and Dani lets him know it’s up to her.  It is fun to watch her get some balls and I hope she can pull them out on occasion. This show will grate on my nerves, but at the same time it was oddly appealing.  By appealing I mean as a reality television blogger more than as a human being.  I’m in for now, and will be keeping it real.

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August 20, 2012 | 9:42 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey Double Blog

Posted by Ilana Angel

This is the one housewife show I enjoy watching.  That said, they are testing my patience.  It is predictable and not real, but somehow I look forward to it each week.  I missed last week as I was away, so this is a double dose of blogging.  Two weeks, one blog.  Lets begin!

Hang on, before I start I just want to say the Manzo-a-Thon was a complete crapfest and Bravo should be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed for putting those losers on my TV for so long, and ashamed for not sending me some of the weed they are all smoking over there.

Last week we started with the camping trip in California.  Jac is whining about how close she was with Teresa, and Joe Gorga and the Manzo losers along, with their girlfriend Greg, are being gross and inappropriate.  They are all hammered and decide the best thing to do is go surfing.

Caroline is such a sour puss that when she speaks you can actually see vinegar dripping out of the side of her mouth.  Jac is not surfing because she thinks she is too fat, but Chris assures us her body is hot.  Joe is bragging about the size of his member, and the surfing is on.

We watch 10 minutes of surfing and I’m bored.  By surfing of course I mean listening to people talk crap about Teresa.  We then are forced to listen to everyone talk about the size of their penises and Melissa talk about how she likes to feel up Teresa. 

After the sex talk, we are off to play truth or dare and I want to cut myself.  Joe Gorga is funny, then Lauren is a mood killer by asking Albie if he is worried they will grow apart.  This puts Lauren over the edge and she starts crying.  I seriously want to pull her hair out one at a time.

Albie lets his family know his “girlfriend” has moved in with him.  By family of course I mean everyone but Lauren who will die a little bit.  He tells her over walkie-talkie and she is crushed.  She says they want to replace her with new friends and now I want to hurt her.  Not really. 

They are driving through some of the most beautiful parts of California and you’d think it was Deliverance the way they react.  They reach their destination and attempt to make shopping look spontaneous when it clearly is just another scripted load of crap.  I’m on my way to drunk.

At dinner Lauren has a nervous breakdown and cries, again, at the fact that her brothers think she is a whiny bitch.  She is annoying and I’m thinking she should have wired her mouth shut instead of getting the lap band.  The results would have been the same but she’d stop talking so much.

They go canoeing and it’s stupid.  They are all acting like children and Caroline tells us, again, that she is not stupid.  The instructor tells them they can’t go without a life preserver, but no one is wearing one.  Melissa falls in the water and her screaming makes me want to kill myself.

Juicy and Gorga go to pee together, which is romantic.  They make up, I think, and then piss on each other.  Melissa is telling Kathy she is happy about how great things are going with Teresa, and Kathy is annoyed that she is being left out of the family reconciliation.  Kathy blows.

The conversation is once again about Teresa.  All these people have to talk about is Teresa.  Caroline is grilling Jac about how horrible Teresa is.  Jac clearly misses her friend and wants their connection back so she can have more airtime, and Caroline wants to throw her under the bus.

Teresa takes Jac off to chat and try to work things out.  Teresa is not sure why Jac got weird and Jac wants Teresa to promise she will be her one phone call when she goes to jail.  It’s a stupid conversation and I don’t know how anyone can watch it and not be on Teresa’s side.

Jac is a loser, with no neck.  Teresa says they will be friends when they get back and Jac says it can be a fake friendship, and I am worried because I have had almost three glasses of wine and have another full episode to go. A double blog seemed like a good idea an hour go.

No episode would be complete without a fake cry from Jac.  Every time I see this woman I feel sorry for Ashley.  Teresa is solid, Jac is jello, and Caroline is fuming they are getting along.  One week down and I am opening another bottle in order to make it through to the other side.

We are still on the camping trip, which feels like it’s been months.  Teresa is trying to keep Juicy interested with sex but he’s checked out already and it is very sad.  Melissa acts offended by their sexual talk and I’m laughing. All she talks about is her husband’s penis so now she is a prude?

Jac tells Caroline that she did not make up with Teresa, and Teresa is telling Melissa that Jac is out of control.  Its pissing me off because they sort of make up to us, then are throwing each other under the bus.  Melissa is telling Tre to not talk about anyone, and Caroline is being a bitch.

Melissa and Teresa are getting along which is nice.  I’m not sure what will happen with them, but in my opinion people need to stop hating on Teresa and support her through what appears to be a difficult time.  That is not happening in the other RV.  Lauren is now bagging on Teresa.

Caroline and Lauren are so jealous of Teresa that it’s crazy.  Jac is sticking by her desire to be friends with Teresa, then Albie and Chris jump in on the bash Teresa bus.  The Manzo family is simply annoying and they all need to be fired.  Seriously.  Enough.  They are a bunch of losers.

They arrive at a gorgeous location and I am pissed off because the amount of money Bravo paid to put them up there could have been used to send us all a bottle of wine and some of the killer weed they are smoking.  The folks at Bravo are clearly lit if they think this is good television.

They go to a meeting for Chris, Albie and Christopher, and in a stroke of genius, they take the entire group to the meeting.  They are drinking during the ride over and no good can come of it.  Chris is saying he will not put up with crap from anyone and I’m laughing at how stupid he is.

Christopher and Albie are trying to act like they care about wine and it’s laughable.  Everyone else is hanging out and being perverted which is pissing off Chris to no end.  Well genius, if you don’t want to have a circus, don’t travel with clowns.  This show is a bucket full of crap.

They are heading back to the hotel and Al and Juicy get into a fight about chicken.  Al Manzo is a cranky old man.  It makes sense since he is married to a bitter old hag.  They are a miserable family and someone needs to pull the plug on them.  Remember when they were fabulous?

They are at a winery and the gang is embarrassing.  I’m not embarrassed and actually think it was funny, but the tour guides are mortified and Caroline is not pleased.  Not saying a lot since nothing pleases Caroline anymore.  We are then off to a surprise dinner for her 50th birthday.

The 3 Manzo spawn give a toast to their humorless mother and it’s sweet.  I love how they love her.  That said, thy is a bunch of losers and she should be ashamed that she has raised them all to be nothing.  She wanted this show to springboard them all to fame.  Not happening.

Lauren tells her mother she has been a role model and I am laughing through my tears.  My fake Jac Laurita tears.  Juicy gives a speech that is sweet and we see he is a buffoon but a good guy.  Wait.  He is about to enter in the land of the Douchelord.  It’s coming people.  In 3, 2, 1.

Juicy excuses himself from the table and takes a call from a whore.  He speaks badly about Teresa as she walks over and it is crushing.  I won’t comment further, only to say that this is a humiliation that is unkind and Bravo should have been respectful of Teresa and her children.

Caroline tells the camera she feels bad for Teresa but does not want to get into her marriage.  Really?  Caroline is a hypocrite, a liar, and a bitch.  She is miserable that Teresa has been a break out star while her family can’t seem to catch a break. Jac is just as bitter as Caroline is.

Richie is a lowlife pig and I am offended by him every time he speaks. Instead of being grateful that he and his pathetic wife are on the show, he is a putz who thinks he is funny and is inappropriate.  He was so funny in the beginning but became a loser.  I’m so over him.

Jac is doing Teresa’s hair and it’s sad.  I feel bad for Teresa.  Teresa tells Jac things are going great with Melissa, but strained with Kathy.  Over with Caroline and Kathy, Kathy is complaining about being left out with Teresa and Caroline is all over it and tries to start trouble again.

Jac joins them and Caroline is still pushing trouble.  Kathy and Caroline are both miserable and listening to them gives me a headache.  To be clear, I’ve had a lot of wine and almost 2 hours of this crap, so the headache might have nothing to with Caroline.  Just kidding.  It’s all her.

Sidebar:  Did we just see a commercial for Caroline and Teresa on WWHL? They say it is with both of them but I’m guessing they won’t appear together.  If they do, and are nice to each other, after Teresa has now scene all the crap Caroline has done, I will scream.

It’s the final night on what seems to be a month long vacation.  Teresa gives a toast to her brother and Caroline and Kathy gets her panties in a bunch that she was not mentioned.  Really?  She has been a bitch and now she is upset that she was not thanked?  It was not a dig at Kathy.

The trip was about mending fences with her brother, not her cousin. Caroline says Teresa is disgraceful and openly discusses it at the table for all to hear.  Rich is pissed off his wife was hurt, and we are again reminded everyone is jealous of Teresa and her success.  Even Juicy.

And so the episode comes to an end.  Next week looks like there will be a few fireworks and I’m looking forward to seeing WWHL.  That’s something I thought I would never say!  I‘ll be back next week, thankful I only have to watch an hour, and prepared to keep it real.

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August 19, 2012 | 5:28 pm

RHONYC Hits a New Low

Posted by Ilana Angel

Back from my vacation in Canada, I returned to what may be the most horrific episode of the Real Housewives of New York City.  These chicks are completely insane and I’m not sure why I was so anxious to see what I missed.  It is 2 in the afternoon and yes, I am drinking.

We start with Carole having a holiday party, which is fake.  I’m guessing Bravo made her do it because Carole is above being this ridiculous. That said, it could be that in the end Carole is as ridiculous as all of them.  She’s either a nut job or regretting she went on the show.

Aviva’s dad George is at the party and all I can say is enough already. He is not appealing, shocking, or entertaining.  I hate to disrespect my elders, but George is a pig.  It’s a secret Santa party and whoever bought the gifts is smoking the same Bravo weed that created the Manzo-a-thon.

Heather is at the shoot for Sonja’s toaster oven and she is out of control. She is a control freak who is helping Sonja to get credit, not because she is a giver.  I want to like her and kind of did in the beginning, but every time she speaks I like her less.  However, I do now want a toaster oven.

Sonja is being Sonja, Heather is being crazy, and I have a headache.  Heather has known Sonja for 5 minutes yet thinks she knows what is best for her? Heather already got the gig on the show so why is she trying to be relevant? We’re watching her but she can go.

The next few minutes are dedicated to Sonja’s period.  Dear Lord.  I am not going to blog about the scene other than to say that Sonja is a mess and I question not only her mental health, but what the fallout will be in terms of her young child that this is how she publically portrays herself.

This show has hit an all time low.  It is disgusting and forced and there is no way we will stick with it if this is what Bravo is going to give us.  We have our limits and unless Bravo is going to start passing out wine and weed to all of us who watch, we might need to bail.

Heather is still complaining about not getting credit and I’m bored.  By bored of course I mean I think Heather needs to follow in the footsteps of Cindy Barshop and be a one season girl.  I can’t spend any more time trying to like her because in the end I just don’t think it will happen.

Sidebar:  I hear the photo shoot for Sonja, which both Sonja and Heather want to take credit for, was shot at Bravo on their dime, which we all knew, so that they are trying to take credit for a scripted photo shoot paid for by Bravo proves we are dealing with morons.

Carole has the ladies over for lunch and wants to order pizza but the ladies don’t do pizza.  I like Carole.  She is fun and uncomplicated, and stands out from these whack jobs in a real way.  She invited the ladies to join her in St. Barts and Crazy Island the sequel is about to suck us in.

Aviva does not want to go without her husband much like Alex and Simon.  She talks a lot about not wanting to be known for her leg or neurosis, but if that were true she would stop focusing on them.  It’s all she ever talks about when not gossiping behind everyone’s back.

Ramona is having a party to honor herself and it’s hilarious.  I’m almost 2 glasses of wine in and I’m loving it.  Her magazine covers are lame and she is lame.  She immediately grabs Sonja and wants to get the dirt on Heather.  Sonja is being Sonja and Ramona is putting words in her mouth.

The entire party is stupid and that Heather would even go is pathetic.  She was forced to go.  Sonja is talking to Heather and Ramona comes over and throws Sonja under the bus.  It becomes a bunch of mean girls yelling at each other and I’m done.  These chicks are embarrassing.

Important to note that watching Ramona and Avery take a yoga class makes me want to stick my hand down my throat and remove my own kidney. Additionally, if I were a jet setting socialite I would die before inviting this lot to a party at my house.  Was 2 seconds on camera worth it?

Aviva is stirring trouble about the wine party, which was a million years ago, Jacques arrives and she can’t let it go.  Instead of starting trouble Aviva should spend her time finding a new colorist.  These women hate each other in real life and it shows on this train wreck.

The fighting is getting old. Jacques is in fact French.  Ramona is lit. Aviva is a yenta.  Carole needs to jump ship.  LuAnn needs to make toast for her poached eggs.  Sonja needs to stop drinking, and Heather needs to realize that all great ideas are not hers.  This show is rough to watch.

Next week will be good.  That said, every week I say the next week will be good and it never is.  With each week that passes I miss Jill and Alex more, and am one step closer to being featured on Intervention.  Like all addicts I will be back next week, drinking and keeping it real.

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August 9, 2012 | 8:01 am

The Real Housewives of NYC Stays Fake but Gets Good

Posted by Ilana Angel

I’ve been watching all season but truth be told, I’m bored. The new chicks are not that interesting and the old chicks have a hag quality that is not entertaining.  I simply could not be bothered to blog about it.  I wasn’t paying close enough attention to recap it, so I watched in silence.

Last week however, it got interesting, and this week has the show crawling back to its glory days so I’m in.  No guarantees I will keep going, but I’m in it now and I am ready to go.  All the ladies are back in New York City and their forced interactions are going to be reality gold.  I’m pouring my wine!

We are at Sonja’s for a meeting with Heather and her logo designer for Sonja’s branding.  She has included Ramona and it’s getting ugly.  Heather is annoyed and embarrassed in front of her team because Sonja is wishy washy, and Ramona hates everything they have done.

Ramona is unable to disguise her hatred of Heather and it is fabulous. Ramona and Heather despise each other and while I am not a huge fan of Heather, I am totally on her team.  She has balls when it comes to Ramona and I like that.  Ramona is a hot mess in every scene she ruins.

Heather is making it all about her and that is too bad.  She is feeling ownership over helping Sonja and it is a little weird.  Sonja asked a lot of people for help but Heather is under the impression she is in charge of branding Sonja.  Not sure what Heather is trying to prove.

Ramona takes a call in the middle of the meeting and Heather is fuming. Sonja is fun in an old, desperate, slut kind of way, but really?  Is anyone going to buy her toaster oven?  I personally would not.  I would never cook a meal in a toaster oven and so I just don’t get it.  Poor Sonja.

It’s Christmas in NYC and we see how beautiful the Big Apple is in winter, but are also reminded these shows were filmed almost a year ago and one must ask, who cares?  Why are we so wrapped up in these lives when what we are watching is not anything like how life is now?

Ramona and Mario have invited everyone but Heather to dinner at Le Cirque. They bring a bottle $1400 wine to share with the group and I’m laughing because they are going to share it between eight people.  Everyone gets a sip? Ramona can try all she wants to be fancy but she’s an idiot.

Luann is now going to take a turn at being a complete moron.  She is talking about her parents being “Canadian aborigines” and Carole is mortified. We discover that the only woman of class and substance here is Carole. That said, she would be classier if she put on a bra.

Sidebar: There was a time when I thought Luann was fabulous.  I’ve interviewed her and of all the housewives she seemed the most unaffected. She should have left the show and tried to be something more than a Bravo bitch, but she stayed, and is now rather repulsive.

Luann is making fun of Native Americans and Carole cannot believe how stupid she is.  Mario is going after Jacques for making fun of Ramona and her wine last week, and Ramona pretends she did not know Mario was going to bring it up.  Ramona’s eyes are brown for a reason.

Sidebar: These women clearly do not like each other and the forced interaction is offensive to me.  Bravo thinks we are all a bunch of dumbasses sitting at home thinking they all love each other and it’s lame.  From the vacations with a split cast to the fake parties, it’s just too stupid.

Aviva is obsessed with her ex-husband and it is odd.  Does she like to talk about him because she was the only one who got him to marry her even though everyone else slept with him?  I feel bad for her new husband, think she is a busybody, and there is no great appeal to her.

That said, she is going to call Ramona trash soon so as much as I could take her or leave her now, I think I ma going to love her by the end of the season. This part of the blog is a little out of order and so I apologize.  I know you all understand how much wine is needed to watch the show.

Mario attacks Jacques for the wine game he played on Ramona and Luann bails out to the bathroom.  So stupid.  I would have stayed to see what the loser was going to say to my boyfriend, not run to the bathroom.  Ramona acts surprised which is pathetic.  Mario is a putz.

Aviva goes to visit her ex-husband with their son.  Really?  Bad enough we are forced to watch the husbands and boyfriends, but now we have to watch the ex-husbands too?  He gets to plug his work and we have to sit through it?  We are only 20 minutes in and I worry I will run out of wine.

Sonja is out for lunch with Luann and I don’t feel anything real about their conversation.  Referring to each other as “Son” and “Lu” feels contrived and a week attempt at making us think there is anything other than a need to appear to like each other so they can keep their jobs.

Lu is telling Son Jacques wants to have a baby and she is thinking about it.  Her eggs are poached and she is crazy.  Son asks Lu if she is having a baby to keep her man and Lu says yes.  Great message to send her teenage daughter.  Want to keep a man?  Get knocked up!

Heather invites Sonja to a meeting about her helping her and for reasons I will never understand, she includes Luann.  Heather immediately tells Sonja that they were insulted by Ramona being at their meeting.  Heather feels like she was ambushed by Sonja, but she is now ambushing.

Sonja is not having it.  Heather thinks she did her a favor, but Sonja thinks she is an actual client.  Heather believes since she is helping for free, Sonja needs to be more grateful.  Really?  I’m with Sonja on this one. Sonja is making sense, until she talks in third person.

Heather never should have tried to take over.  She was supposed to give guidance not become the person who is going to brand Sonja.  Heather runs to Luann for back up and that seals the deal for me.  Heather is a being a baby, Luann is useless, and Sonja is brilliant when not drunk.

Luann is hosting some lame holiday party and wants us to think its her party.  All the women come and I’m just bored.  They are not friends, dig at each other constantly, and Luann is in love with herself.  She confronts Ramona about the wine party and Ramona tells her she is pissed off.

Ramona is rude and mean but tries to make it seem like she is light and fluffy.  She then tells Luann she is “holding the fifth”.  Really?  I believe she meant to say she was pleading the fifth so bless her for trying.  Ramona is a moron and again I am amazed she manages to make a living.

All the housewives have arrived and the fake friendships are in full swing.  Sonja is hammered and when Jacques comes to see Luann she goes off.  She is a blubbering idiot, starts to cry, and tells him he needs to marry Luann already.  She then becomes an expert on Jewish men.

She then starts to cry, turns red, and I think I can actually see her liver rotting.  The entire scene is awkward, forced, and frankly ridiculous.  By ridiculous of course I mean rather entertaining.  These chicks are a mess and watching them crash and burn was worth waiting for.

Luann invites the girls up on the stage to sing Jingle Bells and I am embarrassed for all of them.  They don’t know the words, none of them can sing, and then we hit oil. The band is singing a vulgar song while Santa dances and everyone is shocked except for Carole who loves it.

Luann says she is mortified but it seems insincere.  She is supposed to be classy but in the end she is not and her pretending to be is laughable.  Once again I am wishing Alex and Jill were with the new chicks.  This week was good, but for all the wrong reasons and Bravo does not get it.

We used to watch the lives of these women and want a piece of it for ourselves.  We watch now for no other reason than to laugh at them.  I would give anything to have 15 minutes with the suits at Bravo to tell them what I think about reality shows that fail to keep it real.

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August 1, 2012 | 8:59 am

Real Housewives of NYC - Ramona the Roach

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been watching this season of RHONYC but not blogging about it. I went in not knowing if I would like the new girls and frankly after the first show thought it would be too difficult to pay close enough attention to write about what I was watching.  It was just not that interesting.

As the season has progressed I find myself really liking new girl Carole, and feeling reality television hatred for the original cast.  It’s not real hatred of course because I don’t know them and it is just television, but it’s the kind of fake TV hatred that requires one to drink while watching.

We all know the people at Bravo are ridiculous and think we are all morons, but what we also know is that this show would have been perfection if they had kept Jill and Alex and fired Luann and Ramona.  That would have been a killer cast instead of cast of we just want to kill.

Carole, Ramona and Sonja are heading to Miami to see Aviva.  Luann and Heather were not included but I’m not going back to recap what has happened so far so we’ll just keep going assuming you all watch.  Carole, my new favorite, goes to pick up Sonja and they are off.

Sonja and Carole go to Carole’s friend Ranjana’s home, it is spectacular and we are soaking it all in when the peacefulness is shot to hell with the arrival of Ramona.  Aviva comes with Ramona and they are not there 5 minutes before Carole is mortified by Ramona’s mouth.

Ramona is a pig.  By pig of course I mean a trashy, vulgar, moronic, stupid, idiot.  She really is horrific and how she manages to be successful is beyond me.  I would not want to do business with this woman.  Sidebar:  Aviva has the most spectacular body and I am totally envious of it.

Ranjana is lovely, elegant in her mannerisms, and perfect in how she handles the pig that has been let loose in her home.  Here’s a thought, if they don’t want to bring back Jill and Alex, fire Ramona and have Ranjana be a new housewife.  I would totally dig getting to know her better.

Aviva is having a dinner party and now Ramona, Mario and Sonja are staying at Aviva’s.  They are rude to their hostess and I now know why it is that I have been avoiding blogging about this show.  Ramona’s voice gives me a severe lower back pain and makes me want to cut myself.

Sonja breaks the shower in her room and goes to hang out with Ramona to get ready. She is in a towel in front of Mario and Ramona says she may need to stay with them.  It’s hilarious because I would bet my left breast, which is quite spectacular, that Sonja and Mario have had relations.

Carole arrives and Aviva is thrilled to have a normal person there. Important to note that as beautiful a Carole is, she would look better if she simply put on a bra.  Even little boobs need a lift.  She has a great body and can wear anything, but it would be better with some support.

Ramona and Sonja are spoiled bitches and Aviva has had about enough.  Sonja is getting dolled up because Aviva is setting her up with her dad, and Ramona is convinced Aviva is jealous of her relationship with Sonja. Ramona, if I may say it again, is a pig.  Sorry to all real pigs.

Sidebar:  Pigs are actually quite lovely.  They are super smart and friendly so it seems mean to compare them to Ramona.  What kind of animal is rude, disgusting, lacks social graces, and has a mate that mates with others? Ramona is not a pig, as much as she is a cockroach.

Aviva tells Carole she needs to have her back with Ramona who is always going off about her fake leg.  I like Aviva but she is a bit of a gossip and drama queen.  She runs from one woman to another and talks about them so it’s bound to backfire in her face at some point and I can’t wait.

Aviva’s Dad George arrives and immediately starts flirting with Carole which annoys Sonja.  Ramona is all over George and it’s gross.  Mario tells George to not flirt with Ramona and I’m laughing because while Ramona is all over him I’m sure Mario is wondering if they can swing.

They sit for dinner and for some reason start talking about Aviva’s ex-husband Harry.  They have a child together and I guess it makes sense he would come up, but Ramona goes over the edge. She insists everyone stops talking about Harry because she likes him and feels it is mean.

Really? Ramona is hissing like the roach that she is and I can barely stand to listen to her.  She is sucking all the joy out of this show and I find myself wishing she would go on the balcony and lean over a little.  That’s mean.  Not really.  I do however wish Jill and Alex were at the dinner.

That Sonja is attracted to George, who must be in his 70’s, is sad to me.  She is really great and her attraction to money first is unfortunate.  Roach is in the kitchen directing the staff how and when to serve dinner, while her disgusting husband spits out his drink across the table.

George is being completely vulgar, Mario and Ramona are loving it and Aviva, who is trying to set her dad up with her friend, is throwing him under the bus in front of her guests.  He cheats on a girlfriend and lets everyone know. It is uncomfortable and not at all funny or entertaining.

The next day they all go to George’s house to hang at the beach.  George is just too much, Sonja is flirting with him, Ramona is jealous, and Aviva is dying.  Sonja is trying to be demure and it is rather sweet.  She thought she was sexual but she’s got nothing on old George.

They are going to hot tub and once again Ramona is all over Aviva and her leg.  This show is the same scene over and over again.  Aviva gossips, Ramona hisses, Carole is embarrassed, Sonja is desperate, Heather is invisible and LuAnn is delusional.  Why do we watch?

It’s the last night in Miami, George pokes his erection into Sonja and she is done.  Even Sonja has her limits.  She calls his erection “wood medicine” which made me laugh.  We are 45 minutes in and I’m drinking wine so my laughing does not mean it is funny.

Carole is back in NYC and goes shopping with Luann.  Why would these two ever go shopping together?  Why would Luann make a Jackie O reference?  Why is Luann on this show?  Carole calls LuAnn out on her asking to borrow clothes from her designer friend and is not pleased.

Luann is delusional and has no understanding of what Carole is saying.  She is quite dumb, not a particularly good friend in my opinion, and needs this show in a way that is quite desperate.  She brings nothing and while money can’t buy you class, she has neither money nor class.

Back in Miami, Aviva takes Sonja aside and rather than talk to her about how embarrassed she is to have set her up with her perverted dad, she asks Sonja for help in terms of the roach.  She does not know how to handle the hissing and while they talk the roach is looking for Sonja.

The best way to watch this show is with a glass of wine while you are vacuuming.  Perhaps another way would be to load your dishwasher while it’s on.  I will blog next week because crap is hitting the fan and I’m into it. The show is total garbage and that is keeping it real.

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