July 3, 2012 | 6:36 pm

The Bachelorette Recap – Hometown Dates

Posted by Ilana Angel

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We are back in the States, which is both good and bad.  Good because it means we are close to the end, and bad because it means we have to sit through a lot of recapping.  Emily needs to reflect on all her travels and the four men she has left.  I’m not big on reality television recapping, especially when it was painful to sit through the first time around.

I’m not going to bother recapping the recapping.  Instead I will make myself a margarita and wait for the hometowns to begin.  Two hours of this show is hard, but the final rose is within our grasp and there is no turning back now. We start with Chris in Chicago.  I think he is young, creepy, somewhat unstable, and totally not ready for marriage and parenthood.

Chris is Polish, takes Emily to a local Polish bar, and it’s cute how proud he is of his family and their heritage.  Sitting there and chatting he is clearly a smitten kitten when it comes to her but she looks like she would rather be anywhere else.  Emily is loving Chicago, and probably wishing how much more fun it would be if Chris was not there.  Too, too funny.

Sidebar:  It cracks me up that when the families sit down to dinner they are all on one side like The Last Supper.  Really?  Can the show not afford two cameras so they can sit around the table like normal people?  Also, what is it with Emily and her licking of the lips.  It’s like her teeth are dry and it’s weird.  She does a teeth lick thing that is bugging me.

Emily has a heart to heart with Polish Pops and it’s nice. They are a very sweet family, clearly love their son, the parents are lovely, but the older sister is a little bitchy.  She tells Emily that if she is not sure, she needs to dump Chris sooner rather than alter.  That seals the deal for Chris. He will be sent home and will probably kick a dog or something.

Pops tells Chris that Emily is falling in love with her, Chris takes that as a sign he should tell he loves her, then tells Emily he has ever told anyone he loves them, right before he tells her he loves her.  She is still going to dump him, but now she has completely humiliated him.  There is a big Polish family party and it’s fun, but Emily crossed a line on this one.

We are off to Utah where we see that Jef is Richy Rich.  I can’t take him seriously because I think he is unsure of his sexuality.  When he comments on how cute she looks, rather than pretty, I’m laughing.  Emily is clearly impressed by his apparent wealth and Jef is clearly impressed that he has convinced her he is interested in her as more than a friend.

They go shooting and Emily pretends she can’t shoot, when really she is a perfect shot.  Jef comments on his wanting her to always hold a gun, and it’s hilarious because he giggles as he says it.  It’s like he was sending a little message to a friend.  Perhaps a friend name John?  I’m not buying this relationship and I refuse to believe Emily is this dumb.

We meet Jef’s family and they are sweet but seem to be sidestepping all talk of faith.  They are Mormon, and while I’m not an expert on being a Mormon, I would think they want for Jef to marry a Mormon.  There is talk of principles and values, but no talk of faith, which is a crock.  She is not picking him so why not openly talk about religion as a factor?

If Jef says dude, like or awesome one more time I might lose my mind.  I am on my second drink after this date.  He takes her to a bluff and reads her a letter he wrote on the plane home from Prague.  It is sweet, and the type of thing a woman, or John, wants to have a man tell her.  Jef is charming, not at all for Emily, and he is not making it into the finale.

We are off to Arizona with Arie and he is taking Emily for a ride around the racetrack.  Of all the men left, Emily and Arie look the best together.  I don’t believe him in terms of his past relationships, but I think he will be one of the last two standing.  Emily likes him a lot but forgave his not coming clean in the blink of an eye.  I don’t think she’s picking Arie.

Arie’s family is sweet, his brothers are adorable, but they are rude.  His mom starts talking in Dutch and Emily is sitting there not knowing what they are talking about and it is just rude.  Then it got weird.  Arie’s mom takes Emily off for a chat and they go into a bedroom and are sitting on a bed.  Really?  Arie’s mom is rude, not cool, and lacking manners.

Arie’s hometown is weird.  No real connection to anyone and we are out of there quickly and onto Dallas with Sean.  Sean is sweet, he is my choice for her, and while I think she is going to pick him, she is not going to stay with him.  This process did not work for her last time, and I don’t think it is going to happen for her now.  She is going to bang Harrison instead.

Rumors are flying that there is a relationship between Harrison and Emily and let me just say I called it week one.  Harrison is useless on this show and if he is now going to date a contestant, he needs to get canned.  I don’t care if he is with Emily or not, I do care that he is sucking the life out of this show by appearing out of nowhere for no good reason.

Sean has the best family dynamic and nicest parents.  I got a good vibe from all of them, and then Sean drops the bomb that he still lives at home.  Emily is a trooper and handles herself like a lady when inside she is pissed off to have wasted so much time on a loser.  His room is disgusting and she is about to puke when he tells her he is just kidding.

God bless Emily for being so kind.  She smiles through his supposed stuffed animal collection, his filth, and his wanting his mother to clean up after him.  The whole family was in on the joke and it’s cute.  Sean is my choice, even though they look similar.  They can get married and have blonde babies after she stops banging Harrison and looks for fame.

Sean’s hometown is the best in terms of normalcy, but then he goes and runs through the town, again, calling out her name.  He chases after her car to give her another kiss and I am laughing all the way to the kitchen to get another drink.  Sean is sweet and in the end he will be crushed which is a drag.  I love Emily but I’m not seeing her happily ever after.

Emily is back in LA with Harrison and his drooling over her is icky.  He looks like a perverted old man and she would be an idiot to be with him. It’s all rumors of course and chances are on one of it’s true, but if it is, I want to go on record as saying I saw that one coming, I think it is disgusting, and I believe Harrison should be fired so crossing the line.

Emily is recapping her dates for Harrison and it’s lame.  Half of this week was spent recapping which is annoying. Emily laughs and cries and is tormented at the thought of hurting anyone.  She really is a good girl but there has got to be a level of fame whore to anyone who is willing to do this show twice.  I like her but she is a starlet at this point.

Emily gives out 2 of her 3 roses and then, as if by magic, Harrison appears to tell her there is only one left.  It’s freaking hilarious.  Arie gets the first rose, then Jef, then Sean.  Chris the baby is going home.  I’m surprised he lasted this long.  He is volatile, childish, week of chin, and not at all appealing.  He the gets in the car and gives us some gold.

Chris is being a douchebag.  He is pissed, annoyed that he told her he loved her, he wishes her the best, and left in a huff.  He tells the camera he is the best man for her, then refers to the other men as “dudes”.  Men don’t say dude Chris.  Emily made him a believer in love and he does not get why he is out.  I’ve decided Chris looks like an animated Simpson.

Now I must share something horrible with you.  I am embarrassed, surprised and scared by it, but I will share.  Chris in the car made me cry.  Yup. Bawling like a baby.  I LOVE THIS SHOW.  I want it to work for everyone, even the ones I don’t particularly like.  This show is gold and I am in it deep.  Next week Emily will be down to 2, and struggling to keep it real.

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July 1, 2012 | 11:20 pm

Real Housewives of New Jersey – Another Fake Doctor?

Posted by Ilana Angel

The episode this week is proof that Bravo is now struggling to put a show together in New Jersey.  It was boring, dragged out, full of inconsistencies, and dripping with fakeness.  It’s hard to care enough to watch for an hour and near impossible to blog about.  You have to wonder why we still bother watching, and exactly how stupid does Bravo think we all are?

None of the chicks like each other, the meetings are forced, there is no love, no respect, and no entertainment with these people.  It’s interesting to watch only because it is a train wreck, but this week there was no wreckage. All we got was scripted garbage, a fake reality doctor, and clear proof that they need to recast this show or we are all going to be out.

We start this slow and painful hour of television at Teresa’s house watching Juicy stucco the house with the girls helping.  This family is funny and I think they could carry their own sow.  I love the kids, think Juicy is best when he stays home and does not interact with too many outsiders, and think Teresa puttering around the house is oddly entertaining.

Teresa is talking to Juicy about Jac again and it’s odd.  She tells the camera Jac confided in her about a bankruptcy, yet she is telling the camera.  It makes no difference that we know, she is breaking a confidence and Teresa needs to be careful because people are looking for reasons to hate her and she can’t be giving them any ammunition.  Keep quiet Tre.

Rosie comes over to talk to Tre about her bashing Kathy.  It’s sweet, but really?  Does Rosie need to fight Kathy’s battles?  Rosie seems like a wonderful person, and they are making her look silly with the interfering and the gay storyline.  Rosie is fabulous because she is fabulous and being gay has nothing to do with it.  It’s not cute what they are doing.

Teresa spends the majority of the show defending herself and it is boring.  I am a fan of Teresa, think she is good television, and I have been on her side, but she needs to be careful what she says to the camera one-on-one.  She is saying things tonight that don’t sit well with me and while I think she is on the defensive, she could cross over to bitch real fast.

The Gorga’s are with Kathy and Rich, gossiping about Teresa again, and it’s weird.  It would appear Teresa is all they ever talk about. Important to note however that this scene is the only one in which Melissa appears this week and that is a good thing.  Melissa is sucking the joy out of this show so limiting her participation is good.  More Joe and less Mel is good.

Rich is telling the camera some crap about Teresa and seriously, I am over him.  Why is he even talking to the camera?  He is not a housewife.  Gorga is talking about his being an angel from God and we are reminded that while Melissa is bad for this show, Joe is fabulous.  Rosie joins in and the gossiping about Teresa starts up again.  It’s very strange and repetitive.

Gorga is now talking to the camera about his sister and it sounds ridiculous. It’s as if he is reading cue cards Melissa wrote.  He has his own mind and his own opinions, yet whenever he speaks it is as though he is reading notes to us from his wife.  Melissa has been forcing tension and in the end it backfired because we are sick of it, and not that interested in her.

Jac is making dinner for the Manzo’s and I am checked out.  By checked out of course I mean I am now drinking wine.  Chris is talking about the trip to Napa and Jac wants to know why Juicy and Tre are going since they don’t get along with anyone.  Jac looks horrible, is acting like a spoiled brat, and seems to think we care about her.  She is a bitch and I’m over her.

Kathy and Rosie’s mom Maria is making dinner and Kathy’s family is all together.  Rich is telling Rosie she needs to get a girlfriend, Kathy is saying she will go gay bar hopping with her, and I think Kathy’s view of her sister’s gay lifestyle has been altered by the show.  She’s probably not been as open as she would like us to think.  Something is being hidden here.

Back at Jac’s we learn that Albie is dating a new girl called Lindsay, who is a dancer.  Greg looks crushed by it, which is hilarious.  Between the fake girlfriend and Lauren talking about being fat, I’m done, then just when I think the scene could not get any worse, they start to crap all over Ashlee. No wonder this kid is a mess and can’t stand her family.

Caroline needs to shut the hell up when it comes to other peoples children, and Jac needs to stop throwing her kid under the bus every chance she gets. This show needs to get rid of Jac, Caroline and Melissa.  We don’t care about them anymore and they have become too dark to recover from.  Their own families can’t stand them so why should we?

Back at Rosie’s, Maria is talking about her childhood and it is very emotional. Her mother gave her away to her aunt when she was five and to hear her remember it is sad.  She seems like a remarkable woman and I find myself wanting to hug her.  By hug her of course I mean while I am over to her house for dinner.  That woman can cook.  This is a sweet family.

I would also like to say however, that I feel like Kathy searches the Internet for flowery things to say, then uses them on the show when she can.  She’s not good at memorization though so she stumbles through trying to say something profound and so she just sounds dumb.  I like her family more than her but if we get them thought her, then keep her.

Teresa tells the kids she is going out for lunch with Gorga and Milania steals the scene.  This kid is television gold.  Gorga is talking to Melissa and it sounds fake.  She could care less if they get along, he is saying what she told him to say, and none of it rings true.  Meanwhile Jac’s dad is visiting from Vegas and they decide to bash Ashlee on camera a little more.

Not only do they trash Ashlee, but they also bash Teresa.  Her dad is saying not everyone is as good of a friend as Jac is and I’m laughing because Jac is not a good friend.  She is also a horrible fake crier.  Shaking your voice is dumb with no tears Jac.  Grow up.  We are not buying it.  Tre is lucky to be rid of you and your gossiping ways.  Know that.

It is time for the much anticipated therapy session between Gorga and Teresa.  He tells her red is sexy and she tells him he smells good.  Awkward. We meet Michael, the newest fake therapist on Bravo’s payroll.  He seems annoyed, clearly has an agenda, and all I want to do it pluck my own hair out just to be distracted from the garbage on my television.

Teresa meets with the “therapist” and says it has nothing to do with her. Gorga meets with the “therapist” and says all the things Melissa told him to. I believe both of them in that it is their truth, but this fake doctor is not going to help them.  The “therapist” tells Joe they need to be smart how they work together and I am officially done with the fake doctor.

Important to note the fake doctor is actually a real doctor.  The fake part comes in play in terms of his appearing on television.  Giving therapy on reality television is creepy and seems a little unethical.  Is the money so good that you are willing to risk your reputation talking to crazy people?  I’m thinking not so much.

Teresa and Joe are talking and it’s weird because they are showing them talking at night at the fake doctor’s office, but they were there at lunchtime.  Where they there shooting for hours?  Joe is pissed there are tabloid stories about them, Joe thinks Teresa sold the stories, and I think it was Caroline who is on a mission to hurt Teresa.

We flash over to Kathy and Rosie at a gay bar and it’s forced and weird. Rosie is a sweet girl, quite pretty, and inherently kind.  She will meet a nice woman and watching her whore herself out on Bravo is a shame.  Kathy is hammered, probably because she was uncomfortable, and she is making a fool out of herself.  Thank goodness this episode is over.

I used to really love this show, and I suppose I still do on some level, but Bravo is pushing my limit.  We cannot keep watching all the fighting. There is very little interaction that is entertaining, and it has become a bash Teresa show, and Tre is on the defensive so much she is being taken out of context. Nobody at Bravo seems to cares about keeping it real.

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