July 30, 2012 | 9:33 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey Hit the Road

Posted by Ilana Angel

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We start the week with everyone packing for the trip to Napa.  A hurricane is about to hit New Jersey, but all the women are leaving their children behind and flying away from the storm.  Not sure it is what I would have done, but I guess the show must go on.  By show of course I mean crapfest.

None of the women know what to pack for camping, which is funny.  Teresa is telling Juicy she spoke to Jac and it made her sad.  Jac is talking to Chris and one again referencing the “old Teresa”.  Every week is the same thing and every week we see that the Guidice kids need their own show.

We are then forced to watch the Manzo brothers with their girlfriend Greg and I simply do not understand why these people are on the show.  Why is Greg included in everything?  Why does Bravo think these people are interesting? Why would Lindsay want to live with all three of them?

The storm forces them to drive 5 hours to Pittsburgh to then fly to CA.  We are watching nothing interesting, then just when I think I’d rather shoot myself in the head, we see men peeing on the side of the road. Since I have no gun, only wine, I am drinking straight from the bottle.

Sidebar: It is official, we are crazy people for watching this show.  It makes no sense that this is on television and mortifying that we watch it.  Remember when we actually watched women who were interesting and liked each other?  All we watch now is grown women behaving like children.

Everyone has arrived safely and are together in a large bus watching cows have sex on YouTube.  These people are disgusting, the Manzo kids are useless, Jac and Caroline are complaining, the men are pigs, and the grown ass Manzo freaks are being called kids which pisses me off.

These are grown people who have no skills other than sucking money and fake jobs from their family.  If these were my kids I would stop enabling them and make them get off their asses and get real jobs instead of trying to make money off a show where we can’t stand them.

They pick up their RV and go to a camping store.  These people, who are struggling financially, drop thousands on crap they will use for 3 days then leave behind?  Caroline is hoarding food and Lauren, who complains about weight constantly, is worried people will steal her food.

Are we really watching them talk about poop?  It is clear none of them can stand each other and it’s awkward.  It is forced and fake and proof that Bravo just does not care.  They treat us like morons by putting this on the air and to be frank, we are morons for continuing to watch it.

As we watch them driving in groups, we learn that they are seriously stupid people. Uneducated, unsophisticated, uninteresting, unappealing people.  They have worn off their welcome with not only the viewers at home, but also the people in the RV park where they are camping.

Everyone is talking about how they all don’t get along with Teresa and it’s lame because if these losers had any sense they would try to be friends with Teresa because she is the only one who is going to survive this train wreck and be back on TV.  Trying to bash her is an epic fail.

Teresa is talking to Kathy and she calls her out for saying the recipes in her book were her mothers.  Kathy back peddles and says she was trying to be supportive not take credit for the recipes. I am rolling my eyes.  Kathy is a liar and brings nothing to this show but her sister.

That said, even Rosie is not interesting anymore.  They have lost sight of how funny and charming she is and painted her as a desperate lesbian who is perverted and lonely.  Bravo has a gold mine of people who we would love to watch and they are sucking the joy out of it.

The camping trip is brutal.  The sexual innuendos, flashing and touching of body parts is not funny.  The only thing these people talk about is Teresa. This entire show is about watching Tre and her kids be fabulous, and everyone else talking about how much she has changed.

How is this good TV?  If I was Kathy, Jac, Caroline or Melissa I would be humiliated that the only thing I bring to this show is hate and penis jokes. Melissa is playing the game of being nice to Teresa which is nice but predictable.  Is Melissa the only one who figured it all out?

I spoke too soon.  Melisa is not smart enough to realize Teresa is the one to hang on to.  She tells Teresa if everyone has a problem with her maybe she needs to realize it might be her and not all of them who have a problem.  Really?  These bitches are painfully jealous.

There truly was nothing interesting about this sow.  I watched WWHL for no other reason thatn to see Teresa and Renee.  I understand people think I am a Teresa ass kisser, but the truth is you cannot watch this show and not see she is a star and the others not so much.

I keep waiting for something to happen on this show but I’m not sure what it is exactly that I am waiting for.  If it is something entertaining that I crave then I fear I shall be waiting forever when it comes to the Real housewives of New Jersey.  That is sad, but keeping it real.

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July 23, 2012 | 9:04 pm

The Bachelorette Nightmare Ends

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and no matter how hard I try to not get sucked in, I always do.  This was, according to the insanely ridiculous Chris Harrison, the most dramatic, surprising and emotional season ever.  The thing is, it’s never that dramatic, surprising or emotional.  Harrison starts off the “most anticipated television event of the summer” by annoying me with his hand gestures.

The finale was a total of three hours but if you take out all the boring stuff, it’s about 30 minutes.  Emily is sweet and pretty but she is used to a certain lifestyle and she is going to pick Jef, even though he is a woman, because he has the money.  Nothing wrong with that, but let’s call a spade a spade. Money comes first and love will follow if you love the money.

Jef is meeting Emily’s family and tells us he loves her more than he has ever loved any girl and I think it’s hilarious.  It’s probably the first girl he’s loved. He is so feminine and scripted by Harlequin that I love him too.  I would not love on him, but I still love him and his woman’s mind.  He says what every chick imagines a man would say, but have yet to find a man who does.

Emily’s mother is lovely but not dressed age appropriate.  She asks Jef about his ability to be a good father and I am rolling my eyes.  He has never met this little girl but is certain he can be a great dad to her?  The choices of a single mother are very complicated when dating, but I draw the line at this being a cool way to meet someone when you have a young child.

It cracks me up that the whole family thinks Emily and Jef have found love.  They saw what happened with Brad and yet think this is going to be it? This show does not work.  By does not work of course I mean Emily is going to marry Jef and enjoy a life of riches happily ever after.  By riches of course I mean Rich the ranch hand on the massive home Jef owns.

Arie comes to meet the family next and the poor guy does not stand a chance and has no clue.  He is awkward, struggling to find things to say, and so he lies.  He says he came into the experience knowing nothing about it. Really?  He totally knew all about the show having dating one of the producers.  Everyone who comes on this show knows about it.

Important to note that Emily’s mother talks too slowly and it’s getting on my nerves.  Her brother looks like Glen Campbell, and her father does not seem to care about any of it.  None of them are particularly supportive, or excited for Emily.  They almost seem embarrassed by the experience and I almost feel bad for Emily.  By almost of course I mean I don’t.

Arie throws Jef under the bus and says a single dude has no idea what it means to date a woman with a child.  Hello?  He is single and just because he dated a chick with kids does not mean he knows what he is talking about. Does he have a relationship with the kids he was involved with?  That would be the real test of how he did and they don’t share that with us.

Sidebar:  Why are Jef and Arie walking home from the visit with her parents?  Do we really need to watch them stroll down the street?  Sean would have been waving and blowing kisses, but they both walk away without a look back or a wave which is dumb.  We are less than an hour into the 3 hour extravaganza and I am getting frustrated so a drink is being poured.

Emily is talking to her family and they are offering no help.  She is unsure if she wants to introduce either of them to Ricki which is odd.  How do you go on this show and get engaged without introducing the men to Ricki? She should have thought about her kid before she was filmed making out with so many men.  It’s a little lame to be worried about it now.

Important to note that Emily cries a lot and has mastered the sniffing part, but has yet to produce a tear.  If you are really crying, are there not tears? Is there a doctor in the house?  Dear Lord, are Emily’s tear ducts broken? Poor girl.  I guess when you are blessed with looks like that there is bound to be one thing wrong with you.  Bless Emily and her lack of tear ducts.

Jef and Emily are on the beach talking and he guilts her, like a total chick, into meeting Ricki.  It’s crazy good.  He says all the things a woman would say were she talking to a single dad.  I am now clapping and giving Jef a standing ovation.  Well played Madam.  He got the coveted introduction to Ricki so game over.  She is going to pick Jef and Arie will be dumped.

The live audience is weird and Harrison asking them questions seems silly. Who cares?  I’m not digging the live format and hope they don’t do it again. Emily is confused and summons Harrison to her place to talk about it all.  She adds a syllable to the end of her words and it is not cute.  She is talking herself out of Arie and it’s not interesting.  I’m bored.

She tells Harrison she is choosing Jef and wants to send Arie home without the final date.  She is fake crying while Harrison talks slowly with dramatic pauses.  He is channeling Captain Kirk and I am in love with Jose Cuervo. Dear Emily, wiping away fake tears makes you look like an idiot.  You don’t need to cry to feel bad sweetie so don’t fake it and let it go.

Emily goes to meet Arie and it feels dirty.  I don’t even want to watch because it’s so uncomfortable.  She is avoiding kissing him, which is weird because that is all they do.  He is appropriately blindsided and pissed off when she dumps him.  He cries and there are actual tears, which is a nice touch.  Arie has never looked more handsome as when he cried.

She is going on and on and he is pissed.  He asks her if there is anything else. He is in shock and I feel so bad for him I want to wipe away his tears, rub his back and snuggle him close to ease the pain.  By snuggle of course I mean totally make out with him. He gets up to leave while she is sobbing uncontrollably in a total soap opera way.

Arie was a player and I never saw her picking him.  He is out with his friends every night and is not ready for what she wants.  By not ready of course I mean not rich enough.  They hug and the mike hits his heartbeat and it’s quite cool.  He slams the car door when he gets in and she is bawling with still not a tear in sight.  Arie is going to be the next Bachelor.

Sidebar:  Arie will be a horrible Bachelor.  He is not ready for marriage so we will invest in a season where we go in knowing there will be no wedding at the end.  Oh how I miss the days of Trista and Ryan.  We were all not jaded and happy then.  Love was grand and fame was not the prize.  The only thing left is to watch Jef propose and watch Emily tell her yes.

We are back in the live audience and Harrison is talking to Ashley who is still annoying.  He talks to people who were apparently on the show in the past but who remembers?  I drink so much during this show I have no idea who these people are.  Seriously, does anyone know who he is talking to?  Why oh why do we watch this show?  It must be for the booze.

We watch a montage of Jef and Emily’s experience, then Jef goes to get an engagement ring.  He keeps talking and it’s too much.  He is wearing a blue suit, black tie, and brown shoes.  I don’t get it.  She is wearing a dress from the Vanna White collection and I’m not getting it.  She tells him she loves him, Arie is already gone, only he met Ricki and it’s a wrap.

Jef proposes and she says yes.  They play lame music while they show us their blossoming love and I might be sick.  Could be the booze, but probably not.  I hope these two young ladies live happily ever after.  Not sure I can stomach the after the final rose show so I will end my blog here.  I hope Arie is not the next Bachelor because that is not keeping it real.

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July 23, 2012 | 6:33 pm

Real Housewives of New Jersey Men’s Night

Posted by Ilana Angel

We all continue to watch this show even though none of us can stand it.  Why do we do it?  We all have different reasons I suppose.  For me it’s the large amount of alcohol I drink to get through the first five minutes.  I also watch because I lost my remote when the season started.

We start with Teresa and Juicy in the car and she is talking about her Fabellini drinks. She says she does not like the Skinnygirl drinks because they taste “diety”.  Please allow me to take the liberty of translating for Teresa.  By “diety” of course she means they taste like ass.

She is talking about the plans for her global take over and she mispronounces her own name, which is hilarious.  Juicy is a little shady and does not answer any of her direct questions with a direct answer, but who cares?  Editing is starting trouble and I’m not biting.

Melissa and Joe are talking to Melissa’s “producer’ Corte.  Again, I am happy to translate for you.  “Producer” means auto tune operator.  Melissa wants to get a record label.  Melissa wants to hire a bunch of people and Joe wants to take care of it on their own.  It’s pathetic.

Melissa is gushing because some guy at a label likes her music.  She fails to mention he is probably deaf and must be a fame whore grabbing on to the final 2 of her 15 minutes.  That said, while I think Melissa’s singing sucks, her family makes for good television.

By good television of course I mean her relationship with her husband and kids is entertaining.  If you factor in sisters, mother, aunts, and cousins on her husbands side, you suck all the life out of the entertaining part and she becomes a waste of our time and energy.

Bitter Hag and Lapband are looking at shops to start their new business.  We get a flashback to Danielle and I am here to say, BRING HER BACK.  She was fun and if can keep her daughters out of the mess, I say come home Momma.  Fire the hag and bring back the slut!

Teresa and Juicy are sampling drinks and Juicy is getting sloshed while Teresa is talking about ingrediences.  This couple is hilarious.  Teresa is embarrassed by his behavior and he is oblivious to the fact that he is drunk, sweaty, and a hot mess.  It’s funny but also sad.

Melissa is getting her makeup done. She is pretty but her makeup is hideous. She looks like she is on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Joe is talking about how he owns her, and the crew is talking about sex in front of her kids.  That thing about Melissa being good television? I take it back.

Caroline is spewing hate about how Juicy feels.  Really?  Caroline knows nothing about them and her saying Teresa is going to get divorced is crappy.  Caroline is so bitter and angry that she is toxic and clearly the only people who can stand her are the ones she birthed herself.

Jac is out for a business lunch with Lapband and some people who sell make-up.  Jac has a drinking problem.  I’m guessing so does the editor of this scene.  They show Jac drinking a cocktail, and then in the next scene she is ordering the cocktail.  She is beyond inappropriate.

LapBand tells the people her shop is going to be like Sephora.  Really?  They are now talking about vaginas while getting sloshed, and using vulgar language while trying to sell themselves and LapBand’s business.  It is completely embarrassing and Jac needs to get fired.

Rich and Kathy go to Teresa’s book signing and say it’s because they’re family.  Translation:  She can get more TV time if she shows up.  Kathy’s outfit is mortifying.  She then goes through the book and claims the recipes belong to her mother not Teresa’s.

Kathy is doing a sampling of her deserts in the parking lot of a bakery.  The food looks divine but she’s been trying to sell them since she started and she is still in a parking lot?  It makes no sense.  Kathy is a hypocrite and Rosie and her mom are the only interesting ones.

LapBand is talking about how fat she is again, the Manzo boys are there with their boyfriend Greg, and Caroline talks to them because nobody else wants to talk to her.  Teresa comes to support Kathy and immediately everyone starts to crap all over Teresa. Not cute.

Important to note that Teresa is no angel here.  She slams Kathy’s event and it’s not nice. Once could argue she is being pushed to the limit with these people, and I think she is, but she is still not nice.  Jac is horrific and I want to fast forward every time she appears on my screen.

Kathy is selling herself to some guy and takes him over the cemetery so they can talk quietly.  My wine tastes better when watching this show. Kathy says it makes sense to be near the cemetery because her desserts are to doe for. My wine will change to tequila soon.

Teresa is talking to Jac and she is sweet.  Jac is passive aggressive and totally insincere but stills act like a victim and then she fake cries.  Her fake crying has no tears and makes her neck disappear.  Jac needs an intervention and I hope they air it as part of the season.

Chris is having Juicy, Joe and Rich over for a pre Napa meeting.  Seriously? Why are the men now getting entire scenes?  This is not their show and we don’t care. Chris is a moron, Rich is an idiot, and Joe says only the things his wife writes out for him to say.  It’s so stupid.

Chris is saying Juicy speaks about his finances and he is upset about it.  Pot, meet kettle.  Jac and Teresa are fighting because Teresa would not tell Jac about her finances and Jac was offended she would not share.  Jac and Chris need to pick a side and unite on what is wanted here.

Chris is talking about the trip to Napa being important and his wanting peace.  Everyone is talking in circles and then Juicy goes all out.  He says it’s stupid Jac is upset because nothing happened.  Chris wants us to think Jac is an angel, but Juicy is not having it.

Chris sounds like a bitter and whining hag.  Maybe he is saying what Jac tells him like Joe does with Melissa.  Juicy is not playing games.  He really does not care about what these people think and he is the only one truly siding with his wife.  I find him oddly attracting right now.

Caroline is bitching about something while we cut to Melissa who is playing with her kids in full make up and high heels.  Melissa is so aware of the camera’s is disgusting.  Joe invites Juicy and Teresa to ride in the RV with them then pulls the victim card.  These men are chicks.

It is impossible to know what the truth is because nobody tells the truth on this show.  From the crap we are fed, I’m thinking Juicy and Teresa are trying and the others are so busy being jealous that they can’t focus on what this show is supposed to be about.  Enough with the men already.

The men are fighting, the women are bitching, I am drinking, and my boyfriend is questioning my sanity.  By questioning of course I mean he is now hooked on this train wreck.  I have led him to the dark side and he is now in it.  My man watches RHNJ while I am keeping it real.

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July 16, 2012 | 11:29 pm

The Bachelorette Men Tell All Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

This episode comes every season and I have yet to see the point.  What is it with The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise that makes them want to recap every single thing?  There are some funny moments I suppose, but in the end I would be perfectly fine without the tell all specials.

That said, the men are more entertaining than the women.  Why?  Because watching a bunch of men act like women is funny.  Rather than my regular recap, I will simply give a list of things worth mentioning.  By worth mentioning of course I mean this show is worthless, but here we go.

• Chris Harrison’s hand gestures bug me
• Emily has a potty mouth
• Ryan is smoking hot
• Emily’s bras makes her boobs too pointy
• Doug is my favorite bachelor of the season
• Bachelor Pad will be perfection
• Harrison is flirting with Emily
• Emily’s fake ponytail is beyond ugly
• Harrison is too old to host Bachelor Pad
• I freaking love Vienna
• Chris is a moron and a pig
• Kalon is a douchelord
• I love Charlie
• Stevie needs a new haircut
• Sean may in fact be perfect
• Chris has no chin
• I am wasting two hours of my life
• I only care about the Bachelor Pad commercials
• Sean should be the next Bachelor
• Chris wants to be just like Sean
• Kalon wants to kill Emily
• The bloopers were not funny

This truly was a waste of our time and I could care less about who she picks because she is not going to marry Jef or Arie.  I think Jef may be a woman and Arie is a fame whore, so what difference does it make?  A three hour finale on Sunday night is going to require a lot of booze.

The best part of Sunday is going to be the drinking.  I haven’t decided what my drink of choice will be, but I will be getting sloshed as I watch, in my wedding dress, and blogging as I go.  We have nearly survived another season! I will see you Sunday and I will be keeping it real.

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July 15, 2012 | 9:34 pm

RHoNJ – Gia Rocks & Melissa Sucks

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start off the train wreck with Melissa proving she cannot sing, and she cannot dance either.  Chris Judd is humiliating himself by trying to choreograph her, which is hilarious.  We flash to Gia learning her dance moves and we see that she is fabulous.  It is really rather entertaining.

Melissa lets us know that even though she is not the best singer in the world, it takes courage to do what she does.  Really?  It takes courage to go on TV and whore yourself out for money, while ruining your family in order to get extra camera time?  That’s not bravery as much as it is bitchery.

Kathy is trying to sell her baked goods and is it just me or has she been trying to do this since she got on the show?  She is a great baker but that she is still trying to do this after the exposure of the show, makes you wonder what the issue is.  She’s not Teresa, that’s for sure.

Kathy is selling her wares, Rich is being the inappropriate and disgusting pig that he is, and I’m bored.  This is a very sweet family but at the end of the day they are simply not that interesting.  She is sweet, her husband is a douchelord, her kids are lovely, and she needs to be fired.

We are with the Manzo family and it is pathetic.  The boys are getting ready to sell the toxic water at a food show and Albert is there to sell his sauce. Funny how Albert only appears when it involves his making money or telling us it’s his fault Lauren is fat.  This family is annoying.

Melissa and Joe are at the shore and Melissa is wearing a bathing suit, with stilettos.  Really? She is in the pool with her kids and those shoes are needed?  This couple is cute but the cuteness is trumped by the fact that they are evil and disgusting.  That’s just my opinion.

Chris is driving the losers to the food show and talking about how he has been struggling financially.  He has invested everything in Blk. and one has to wonder exactly how dumb is this guy?  Blk. is gross, the whole idea of it is gross, and the Manzo boys are gross.

Sidebar:  When this show started I loved the Manzo family.  I thought they were charming, funny and hardworking.  I now think they are tired, boring, and useless.  They have sucked the joy out of this show and made it near impossible to watch.  I hope they disappear just like Blk.

The boys stop at some diner to do an eating challenge with burgers and fries.  They are eating, burping, and bordering on vomiting and I have to ask: Has Bravo lost their mind?  THIS IS NOT ENTERTIANING YOU MORONS AND WE ARE GOING TO BAIL ON YOU.

Melissa and Joe are making out and their daughter is scripted to come in and break up their intimate moment.  Seriously?  It is so fake that even my wine is not making this watchable.  I am switching over to tequila and I am sending my bill for rehab to the douchebags at Bravo.

Just when we finish watching the van of losers each lunch, we are now forced to watch them eat dinner.  They are talking about Albie’s fake girlfriend and he tells the camera is not into having a girlfriend, and it’s hard because he really digs Lindsay.  His nose is growing.

Chris is trying to teach the boys about life, and they are getting wasted and puking.  This show is ridiculous and I am about done.  Just when I think I will change the channel, we get a dose of Teresa and all is well in the world of the housewives.  Damn Teresa for making me watch.

Melissa is getting ready for her performance and lets us know it is a gift to Joe for their 7th wedding anniversary.  How is her public humiliation a gift? After the life he has given her, she should be servicing him in the same way she got him, not fake singing to strangers.

The losers arrive at the food show with cases of water that are stamped with: “Spring Water Infused with Fulvic Acid”.  I’m not going to bother Googling it. Yummy!  By yummy of course I mean it is toxic waste that probably tastes like ass and I would never drink it.

Jac appears to let us know Chris went bankrupt and all their eggs are in the Blk. basket.  Sidebar:  Jac is a crazy person who needs to get the hell off of Twitter because she is an idiot.  I say this because her two or three fans will lose their minds and I find it entertaining.

The boys want to have fun but Chris is cracking the whip.  He is clearly desperate and I feel bad for him because he is a good guy.  It’s his family that is a mess.  Juicy, Tre and the girls are going to the concert by limo and Gorga is driving Melissa.  Should be funny as hell.

At the food show people do not want to drink Blk. because it looks gross and they are hilarious.  Greg finds Patti LaBelle at the show and goes to meet her, but the Manzo’s have no idea who she is.  Patti is glorious and then they try to poison her by giving her some Blk.

How dare these losers try to kill Ms. Patti?  Who the hell do they think they are?  The only thing more upsetting than watching Patti poisoned, is watching Joe Gorga suck on the feet of Melissa.  Everyone at Bravo needs to get canned for putting this crap on our televisions.

Everyone arrives at the show and Melissa is fake and sugary, while her sisters look at Tre with envy in their eyes.  They want to be on the show so bad they can taste it.  We jump to the Gia’s show and it is fabulous.  Juicy cries when he watches her and it is adorable.

Melissa is impressed by Gia and is nervous she will embarrass herself. Translation:  That little girl dances better than me and I am about to prove to the world that I have no talent.  Damn it!  Damn that Teresa for being better at everything.  Why can’t I be like Teresa?

Albert is sampling his pasta sauce and tells people it tastes like homemade pasta sauce.  What?  Would the pasta sauce taste like something other than pasta sauce?  The Manzo family needs to go back to their lives and spare us from their boring and desperate attempt at fame.

Melissa sings at the show.  By sings of course I mean does not really sing anything.  They show the front row filled with her family dancing, but when they show the crowd shot, they family are the only ones dancing.  She was a train wreck on this train wreck and her song sucks.

The Manzo’s are at dinner and everyone is telling Albie that he needs to chose work over love and might need to bail on Lindsay.  Albie tells the camera he is focused on his family and he would choose them over Lindsay. By Lindsay of course he means he is going to stick by Greg.

Melissa does not want to be cocky, but she was fabulous and is allowed to be a diva and own it.  Dear Melissa Gorga, you are very beautiful.  You are not however a good singer or a dancer.  You lied your way onto this show and while we wish you well, get lost already.  Enough.

Tre and Melissa are talking about the trip to Napa and we see that they are both trying.  I truly wish them well.  By wish them well of course I mean this happened a year ago and I don’t really care. Cut to Caroline who says she wishes she could uninvite Tre and Juicy to Napa.

The majority of this week was spent on the Manzo family and that is not cool.  They are not interesting and I resent that I am being force fed this crap.  Next week will be more of the same.  I’m watching and hoping these chicks find a way to go back to keeping it real.

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July 11, 2012 | 8:37 pm

The Bachelorette is Crawling to the Finish

Posted by Ilana Angel

I got a few emails this week telling me I was being too harsh in terms of Chris Harrison.  I don’t mean to be and so I am sorry.  I will no longer talk about the fact that he is not needed on this show.  I will also not make a big deal about the fact that it is creepy for him to be hosting Bachelor Pad because he is too old, or that now he is single he looks like a pervert.  Thanks for sharing.  I heard you, and I’m letting it go.

I still love Emily, and I love this show, but the recapping is just too much. Her going on and on about the remaining men, and their making us sit through things we’ve already seen is too much to ask of us.  I am going to skip over the recapping, which for the record lasts 15 minutes.  That is insane.  Emily is in Curacao and the first date is with Sean.  Emily is annoyed he has not yet told her he loves her when the other two have.

They go on a helicopter tour of the island the music is killing me.  It is cheesy enough to make you sick, but romantic enough to feel giddy.  This show has suckered us in.  We know it is lame, we know it is fake, but we are hanging onto very single word and want Emily to find love.  Sean is planning to tell her he loves her, and she is waiting to see if he will do it.  Here’s the thing, they have absolutely no sexual chemistry.

Emily and Sean look like they could be related and it grosses me out.  Sean is talking about his past relationship which is stupid.  He goes on and on about everything he is thinking but never tells her he loves her.  Emily appears to be bored and impatient, yet she makes out with him, which is weird.  She is stuck on him telling her he loves her and its hilarious because they have known each other for a minute, and it’s silly.

Sean is talking about his love of his dad again, then reads a letter he wrote to Ricki.  Really?  Sean is in love with the idea of love and wants a fantasy. Emilie’s response makes it very clear that she is sending him home.  She is not into it, he is rambling, and I’m over it.  They are on a beach, alone with the camera crew, and he tells her he loves her.  She is thrilled but it’s very awkward.  Emily wins.  She got them all to love her!

Sean says he wants to go to the fantasy suite and she agrees.  They go off to talk and get to know each other better.  They are in the hot tub, and with her child watching at home, they make out and she tells us every fiber of her being wants him to touch her boobies.  She sends Sean home letting us know she needs to set a good example for her kid.  It’s a little late darling Emily. Sean leaves thinking they will get married.

Jef’s date begins at minute 40 and we have yet to see anything interesting. I think Jef is a woman.  He thinks like a chick, talks like a chick, and dreams about the future like a chick.  I seriously don’t see the attraction.  Emily is a southern belle, with balls and a past, and he is just not going to go for that in the end.  Sidebar:  Jef needs constant reinforcement and it’s annoying. By annoying of course I mean that Jef is in fact, a woman.

Em and Jef are having dinner and seriously people, I am dying of laughter. Jef is the chick in this relationship.  He is asking all the questions she should be asking.  Important to note that Emily says like a lot when she is with Jef. Also, I just want to say that it pisses me off how Emily adds an extra syllable onto a lot of her words. Stopah itah Emilyah.  Emily and Jef kiss and it’s like watching chick on chick porn.

Emily gives Jef the invitation to the fantasy suite and he shoots her down.  Just like a lady would.  He wants to be respectful of her, and Ricki, but there will be plenty of time and so he thinks they should pass.  Emily is annoyed he says no because she wanted to be the one to turn him down.  They go to “hang out” which in Bachelorese means, “come touch my boobies”.  Emily is a smitten kitten when it comes to Jef.

It’s now Arie time.  Their date with the dolphins is amazing but there is no substance here.  There is a great sexual connection but they don’t seem to have anything to talk about.  They talk a lot about all the things they have done together, but don’t talk about anything to do with their lives or them personally.  I think Arie is a pig.  By pig of course I mean he comes across as a cheater to me.  I just don’t believe him.

Emily is asking Arie about his life at home and it is painfully clear they just won’t work.  He gets up at 9 and eats out everyday.  He is all about hanging with friends and makes no comment about being a stepdad.  He asks her how she sees their future and she answers without saying anything.  Arie says he and Emily feel like the only two people in the world, then adds on Ricki.  Arie is a child and he should not be the winner here.

Arie is going on and on about how he wants to be Ricki’s friend and buddy, then slowly, let me repeat, slowly, move into friendship, then build a relationship.  Emily thinks his plan is amazing, which contradicts what she has been saying all along.  She is pushing them all to step into the role of stepdad, yet is telling Arie she agrees that he should be Ricki’s buddy.  Arie is gorgeous, but he’s a player and I’m not buying it.

Emily does not even offer Arie the fantasy suite card.  She can’t trust herself to not sleep with him so she won’t even put the temptation in front of herself.  Then just when I’m thinking she is awesome and did the perfect thing, she starts fake crying about letting one of them go.  Dear Lord.  To all future Bachelorettes, please note that without tears it’s not crying, it’s just lame.  The fake crying forces my third glass of wine.

I am saddened to see that with all three dates over, we still have 30 minutes to go.  What in the hell are we going to watch for another 30 minutes?  Emily is wearing her fake Barbie ponytail and I’m laughing because it is so hideous. Harrison comes to pick her up for a talk.  Conversations with Harrison are painful, the fake crying is painful, the recapping is painful, and I just want to fast forward to the roses and cut out the crap.

The three men send video messages to Emily and it’s insane.  Sean tells her he loves her and wants a family with her.  Jef tells her he loves her recites what I think I saw once in a movie on Lifetime television for women.  Arie tells her he loves her and talks about how great their kisses are.  I am feeling a little nauseous at this point and I’m not sure it is from the sap or because I have now had so much red wine.

In the time honored tradition of ladies first, Jef gets the first rose.  The second one goes to Arie, and Sean is out.  He looks more sad than shocked and I feel bad for him.  He wants so much to find love that he did not realize she was jerking him around.  Poor guy.  Emily sniffs as if she is crying, but again there are no tears.  She asks him what he is thinking and I want him to call her a crazy bitch, but he is a gentleman.

Next week will be the men tell all special, which is always totally boring and stupid.  Then it’s the big finish.  The trailer makes it look like she is conflicted and could possibly not pick anyone.  Whatever.  This show does not work, but I love it and remain hopeful that one day it will.  I’m thinking she will pick Arie and then Jef will be the next Bachelorette.  However it plays out I’ll be watching and keeping it real.

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July 9, 2012 | 9:07 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey – Oy Vey!

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show but it has reached the point where writing about it is more to mock them than talk about how great it is.  Everyone is predictable, many are pathetic, and some have clearly worn off their welcome and need to get the hell off of our televisions before even mocking them won’t be fun.

We begin with Melisa getting ready for her daughter’s 6th birthday party. Melissa is getting her hair and make-up done which seems a little excessive for an outdoor kid party, but Melissa is all about excess.  Teresa and her kids are getting ready for the party and Juicy is not going to join them.

Milania Guidice is hilarious to me.  I truly think she is funny and I would watch an hour of her and her sisters over this train wreck any day.  Teresa’s children are very entertaining and beautiful. In fact, they are the only entertaining children on this show and the only ones I care to see.

Lauren is out with Caroline looking at her new shop.  This is a spoiled and nasty young woman.  She is always pissed off, always complaining, and clearly becoming her mother.  Caroline and Lauren are going into business together.  Lauren has gotten her parents to bankroll her again.

Important to note her first shop tanked.  Curious that Caroline is getting 51% and Lauren 49%.  Really? If Caroline is helping her daughter get started in the world, then why is she controlling her business?  Lauren is acting like a selfish, ungrateful spoiled brat.  Wait, is that Ashley?

The store is called “Caface” and it will be like a café for your face.  They will have menus of treatments and it will look like a cafe. Really?  I believe that concept is called “Drybar”.  Caroline is stealing ideas in the hopes of getting her entitled daughter to finally start working.

Melissa’s mom and aunts are at her house and it pisses me off.  We don’t care about Melissa’s sisters and we don’t care about her mother and aunts. It shows how fractured this group is that they need to bring in these extra people to move the story along.  Assuming there is a story here.

Joe is telling Melissa and her family he is not going to therapy anymore, and Teresa is telling Juicy the therapist does not like her and it is a waste of time.  Then Melissa tells the camera about how much she wants a relationship and how she will do anything to be a family with Tre.

Sidebar:  Melissa is, in my opinion, a liar.  She says she wants to fix the family, yet does a lot behind the scenes to make sure there is no peace.  She constantly plays victim as if it’s her trying and not Teresa.  The bottom line is that if blame can be placed, place it firmly on her.

Joe and Teresa are not innocent.  Their relationship borders on creepy and they both have a unnatural dependency on each other, but they are trying and there is clearly love between the two of them.  Melissa is controlling her husband by controlling his access to his family.

It’s party time and we have to start by talking about Melissa’s outfit for a child’s birthday party.  She is in a mini dress with high heels. Seriously? Is she not going to play with her daughter?  Would jeans and flats not have been a better look?  Perhaps like what Teresa is wearing?

Teresa and the kids look great.  Tre is telling Melissa they went to therapy and she is trying to share with her.  Melissa tells her she will have Sunday dinner at her house.  Teresa says she will come and Melissa acts happy, then tells the camera she thinks Teresa is lying about all of it.

Teresa says she will bring desert and asks Melissa what her favorite desert is.  Melissa tells her she likes sprinkle cookies.  Dear Lord!  Enough with the cookies already!  Melissa proves once again that she is a fame whore, can’t let things go, and needs to get the hell off of Teresa’s show.

Joe is hanging at the party, the Wakile family arrives, and Teresa gets into the bouncy thing with her kids.  That’s what a mother does at a kids party Melissa.  Look and learn precious.  Melissa is thanking Jesus and I am starting my second glass of wine less than 20 minutes in.

Rosie is talking to Joe and Melissa about picking up chicks and it’s a drag.  Rosie is awesome but the stories about her searching for a woman and being drunk all the time are gross.  She is a nice lady who is being portrayed as an idiot.  By idiot, of course I mean just like her sister.

Teresa and Joe are talking about the trip to Napa and Joe asks about Jac. Why would he ask her as Jac was arriving at the party?  He does not care about Jac and this is classic Bravo scripting.  Sidebar:  Jac needs a breast reduction, or perhaps just a better stylist in terms of shirt selection.

There is obvious tension between Tre and Jac and it’s too bad.  By too bad of course I mean too bad Tre is so upset about it.  Jac was not a good friend to Tre, and Jac makes no sense to me.  She is not interesting, bordering on offensive, and sucks all the joy out of this show.

Kathy is throwing Tre under the bus to the camera and saying she relates to Jac.  She talks about family being important, yet tells the camera she is siding with Jac not Tre, so where is the loyalty?  Kathy is a flipper and sides with whoever gets her and her family more airtime.

We are now asked to believe Melissa is being asked to participate in a concert.  Melissa?  Who can’t sing or dance?  That Melissa is being asked to perform?  Seriously, she sucks, her song sucks, and I wonder if Bravo know how much I have to drink to watch this show.

Over at Chris and Albie’s apartment, Greg is upset Albie had a girlfriend over.  Chris is happy because it meant he could cuddle with Greg while Albie was pretending to have a girlfriend.  It’s all very sweet I suppose, but the storyline here is ridiculous and I’m embarrassed for Bravo.

Albie tells them Lindsay is staying over because she’s been sick which is lame.  It’s Greg’s birthday and they are acting like they forgot which is truly stupid.  Greg knows there will be a surprise party yet he acts like no.  I am seriously starting to hate this show.  Starting?

Gia is at an audition and it’s sad to me, but Teresa is adorable as the overbearing mom.  Gia is a great kid, but she is not keeping up with the choreography yet she gets the job.  Wonder why?  Melissa is also dancing, having met choreographer Chris Judd to ready her for the show.

Oh my, how sad that Judd felt this was a smart move.  He mentioned Michael Jackson but did he ever work with him.  Melissa is a better dancer than singer and her dancing sucks.  I’m sick of her songs being shoved down my throat. Why do these housewives think they can sing? 

After meeting a girl at a bar, and not remembering her name, she invites her to a family dinner.  When they arrive, everyone kisses the new girl and I think it’s weird.  I would understand hugging her after dinner when they got to know her a little, but welcome with kisses was awkward.

Greg is going out for drinks with Jac and Lauren and he thinks it’s just them. Really?  Why would only they take him out?  Greg knew it was a party and none of them are good enough actors to pull this off.  Albie is with his new girlfriend and she appears to have no personality.

Caroline meets the girlfriend and holds her hand like it’s a wet noodle. Caroline is a bitch who is attached to her kids in an unhealthy way.  She wants to control everything they do, even when it comes to their relationships.  Greg arrives and pretends to be surprised.

Over Kathy’s house, she makes it very clear that she is a moron and somewhat homophobic.  Rich is a pig and the entire dinner is embarrassing.  Rosie needs to get it together and stand up to Bravo so they stop humiliating her.  We love you Rosie, stop this crap.

Lauren meets the girlfriend and she is obviously jealous of her.  She then tells Chris and Greg that Caroline is sucking the joy out of her new business, and keeps playing with her fake hair in a way that makes me want to rip it off her head.  Perhaps she should just wash it.

Caroline is giving the evil eye to Lindsay and Melissa is giving her tips on how to be whore in order to trap a man into marrying you.  Melissa is an idiot, Caroline is creepy, and there appears to be no real substance to the Manzo family. Sad because they used to be my favorite.

Joe Gorga gets his inner gay on in an attempt to look like the gay friendly one in comparison to Juicy’s homophobic style.  Melissa wants them all to dance to her song and it’s freaking awesome that she needs to give it to the DJ on her iPod because he does not have it in the club.

He does not have it because it is garbage.  Lauren is bitching about Lindsay being skinny, and Melissa gets on the bar to dance with toilet paper on her shoe.  The only thing this scene proved is that the Manzo’s and their friends should not be on TV anymore, They are pathetic.

Another week in Jersey and I am once again left wondering why I watch this show.  I am not addicted to this crack, and drinking in order to get through it.  I might need an intervention.  by intervention of course I mean I will need tequila next week in order to keep it real.

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July 6, 2012 | 9:17 am

Conversations from Twitter – Part 8

Posted by Ilana Angel

When I started this series of interviews a lot of people wrote to tell me I should talk to @WillLoveInc because he was fabulous.  I did not follow Will and he did not follow me, so I was curious about who this person was.  Before I got a chance to check him out, he tweeted that I was too scared to interview him.  Really?  Scared?  I set up the interview the next day.

Will is a very sweet young man.  He was respectful and kind to me and for by the end of our chat I felt genuine affection for him.  He is honest, open, funny, vulnerable, strong and brave.  Will is from New Jersey and works as a writer, on-air radio personality, and a model.  He has a vision for his future and he is on the path to achieving his goals.

Will was born and raised in New Jersey.  He started college but when his career took off he suspended his studies to work, but knows he will eventually go back and finish his degree.  He has been working since he was 14 years old and was putting himself through college, so he will get back to school and when he does he will pay for it on his own.

Will is close with his mother, but has a somewhat strained relationship with his dad.  He loves them both, but their relationships were defined when he came out as a gay man, and their reactions years ago still play a role in his life now.  Will had been bullied as a child and the support of his mother has meant the world to him.  His father was a little slower to the gate.

Will was a sensitive kid who always stood up for the underdog, even though he was often one himself.  When he was 17 he became depressed as he was not living his life out loud and he needed to be honest with himself in order to be able to dream big.  He decided it was time for him to come out and opted to do so in a big way, regardless of how it was received.

There is a magazine in New Jersey called Out in Jersey.  Every summer they have a contest to find a local cover model.  Will decided he was not only going to enter the contest, but he was going to try to win it.  He submitted himself as a cover model and emailed everyone he knew to vote for him. That is the brave and powerful way in which he came out.

Every member of his family, every friend, and every acquaintance got a link to the magazine to vote for Will.  To go from no discussion of being gay, to I’m gay now vote for me, was a giant leap of faith for Will, as well as his family and friends.  Some embraced him, some shunned him, and many voted for him.  He was out, he was not afraid, and he was happy.

It was a bold choice to be sure, but it was never about getting attention as much as it was about seeking empowerment.  He lost the contest by less than 100 votes, which is a drag, but in the end he was the winner because he was finally going to live his best life without fear.  He has no regrets and he is comfortable with all of the reactions his coming out got.

Will was in a long-term relationship with a man that he loved very much, but it ended a year ago and he has been focused on work rather than love.  It was a hard break up and it took a minute to recover.  By recover of course I mean that no matter what your sexual orientation is, a broken heart is crushing and it takes a minute to trust yourself again.

Sidebar:  I think it’s interesting that when it comes to the heart, we are all the same.  Men, women, gay, straight, white, black, Jew or gentile, a broken heart feels the same way.  It’s sad that we can’t be kind to one another based on our similarities rather than have so much hate based on our differences.  Our hearts connect us all in a powerful way.

I asked Will to describe himself in three words and he chose driven, outspoken and authentic.  I would add lovely, charming, and sweet to his list. Will wants to live his life without a script, being completely honest with himself, and pursuing his goals with direction, purpose, and joy.  He is happy, he is healthy, and he is whole, so love will come.

Five years from now Will would like to be working for Clear Channel at one of their radio stations in Los Angeles or Boston as a DJ.  I think he will achieve that goal.  This kid knows what he wants, knows how to get it, and nothing will stand in his way.  There is something very refreshing and exciting about listening to a young person share their dreams.

In terms of reality television, Will watches the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and New Jersey.  He grew up in the MTV realty TV generation and watched Real World back in the day.  He is not a fanatic about it, but he watches.  He reads a few reality blogs, mine included, and he found my blog through people he follows on Twitter, which is cool.

Will told me he was nervous to talk to me and wanted for me to like him.  It was a very sweet thing to say and so I will end my blog saying this: I like you Will.  I think you are funny, smart, charming, and talented.  You are going to do wonderful things with your life.  I predict you get your dream job, and your dream man, because you are brilliant at keeping it real.

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