May 7, 2012 | 7:56 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey – Damn Fairies!

Posted by Ilana Angel

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This show has gotten dark and mean.  Like most of the housewives franchise, it has lost its fun factor and we are now watching fighting, gossip, and scripted crap.  After last week’s blog, people wrote to say my blog was not funny as much as it was mean, and they wonder why there was a change.  I don’t agree that I am mean, but one could argue that my recaps are a reflection of the show so it makes sense I am giving what I am getting.

Some of the comments came from die hard Melissa Gorga fans, and since I called her a shady and untrustworthy fame whore, I can understand how they may have taken offense.  The truth is hard to take and makes people lash out, so I won’t take it personally.  I will continue to write about the shows as I see them, and not worry too much about the fact that Melissa’s fans don’t like my blog.  They like her, so there is no accounting for taste.

This show this week put my own relationship to the test.  In an attempt to understand my work and why I watch so much reality television, my Englishman watched the show with me.  Important to note he has been my boyfriend for a minute so it was a little nerve wracking to subject him to the madness of New Jersey.  I am happy to report that while he will NEVER watch it again, we made it through and his observations were brilliant.

We start off at Teresa’s shore house where the troops are gathering for a boat ride.  Caroline is out, but Kathy, Melissa, Jac and spouses are in. Teresa is telling Jac about the US Weekly article where she says she was worried about Juicy going to jail, and Juicy saying if he goes away Joe Gorga will not help Teresa.  I read the article and it was tabloid fluff so I’m not sure why anyone paid any attention to it.  It was easy money and that’s all.

Caroline is at home with her annoying kids, suffering through menopause, and one must wonder what the hell Lauren was thinking when she agreed to make her weight issue a storyline. Lauren says she has lost 5 pounds and fits into a size 8.  Really?  Does she mean her shoe size?  Perhaps her ring size?  She is talking about how she wants to be rich, so is her weight is a direct link to how rich she will be? Not too bright this one.

Over at Teresa’s they are going out for a boat ride and leaving all the kids at home with cousin Rosie.  Rosie is the very best part of this show and she needs to get her own spin off.  Watching her with the kids is hilarious.  She needs cigarettes and wine breaks to just get through and even the Englishman perked up a little and announced that Rosie was a cool lady and he’d rather watch her over the “plastic surgery” ones.  I love him.

Jac is talking about Ashley and reminding us that she is a bad mother.  She then tells the group Caroline is going through menopause and Teresa figures that is why she has been a total bitch to her lately.  Wrong.  Teresa dear, she is mean to you because she is jealous you are famous and successful away from the show, while she is forced to come to terms with the fact that her children are a sad lot with no real money making ability.

Melissa lets us know she is humble and sweet like Jac.  Really?  Juicy decides he wants to talk about the black eye Richie gave him last week and it’s pathetic.  Juicy is pissed, Teresa is annoyed, Kathy is offended, and Richie could care less.  Teresa reminds everyone that she is funny, haha, and you can’t help but think Bravo is scraping the editing room floor trying to pull together an hour of television.  There is just nothing here.

At Caroline’s house Lauren and her boyfriend Vito are over for dinner and her dad and brother’s are making fun of their weight.  Everyone talks about how hard it is for her to be with her two successful brothers.  Really? Successful?  Albie lets us know he is seeing a new girl and I guess he is talking about who cuts his hair because I’m guessing her is not dating her. The weight loss storyline is not interesting or funny, just lame.

Jac’s psychic is having a summer solstice party and she is taking everyone with her.  Jac and Melissa are scripted to be at Caroline’s so they can drive over together, but really it’s just a chance for Caroline to bash Teresa. Melissa tells Caroline that Teresa said she would dump her bother for a richer guy and that sets off Caroline.  She says Teresa is a bully, and lets Mel know she is willing to destroy her family to get rid of her.  Really?

Caroline cannot stand it that Teresa is famous.  Granted, Teresa has said some dumb things, but that’s Teresa.  She is sweet and simple, there is nothing complicated about her.  She may not have made good decisions about her book, but come on people.  It was funny, haha.  Now, when people need to tell you something is funny, it is probably not funny, plus it’s not like Teresa has changed.  She is who she always was, and Caroline is green with envy.

Teresa is driving to the solstice party with Kim D.  I don’t get this chick and have never liked her on the show.  Sidebar:  I follow Penny Drossos on Twitter.  Penny is the own of the La Chateau salon in Jersey where all the ladies go to get their hair done, and where everyone must talk about them.  Penny should be a new housewife.  We all know all the best stories are told in a salon and Penny knows more than anyone.  Hire Penny as a housewife Bravo!

Melissa is dressed a little whorish and Caroline tells the camera we cannot accuse her if being phony.  Really? Caroline is a poser and while I liked her in the beginning, she is now calculated and trying to find ways to be relevant. She is now just like Danielle.  Desperately trying to make us care about her, which we just don’t.  Rosie confronts Teresa about Melissa marrying Joe Gorga for money and it’s too bad Rosie got involved.  Not her place.

Kathy talks about how old school she is and I wonder what exactly does it mean to be old school?  A back stabbing gossip?  Is that old school?  Jac talks to Teresa, Jac then tells Melissa to go talk to Teresa, then Jac goes to gossip about it with Caroline, and it’s ridiculous.  Just like Atlanta, these chicks don’t like each other and forcing them to be in these situations makes no sense, is not entertaining, and frankly bores the crap out of me.

Sidebar:  Here are some direct quotes from my Englishman:  “Who the hell are these women?  Are they real people?  Do they all have the same plastic surgeon?  What the hell is she wearing?  That is the makeup of a hooker. Why are we watching this babe?  How much longer is this on?  You are too good a writer to be writing about this crap.”  Important to note there was some profanity used so while slightly altered, the quotes are authentic.

Teresa tells everyone she does not want to talk about Juicy going to jail, then Melissa talks about jail and Teresa bails.  Melissa tells the camera she does not understand why Teresa gets so upset about the word jail and one has to wonder exactly how mean is Melissa?  She told her not to mention it, and she did.  I feel bad for Teresa, but at the same time, Teresa cannot tell every tabloid Juicy may go to jail, them get mad when people talk about it.

Melissa is her family and she should have respected Teresa’s request.  It’s silly Teresa is pissed off, but the issue here is that she asks for them to not do it and Melissa purposely did not listen, which is simply not nice.  Teresa storms off and Caroline is all over it.  Jac goes to talk to Teresa and the hostess is begging her to come back because she wants more camera time. Jac makes it about her and I must say, I do not like this woman.

Jac is a hot mess and I can see how it is that her daughter cannot stand her. Melissa is talking to Kathy and Caroline and being a total airhead.  Kathy says she feels bad for Teresa, which is lame because she also slams Teresa every chance she gets.  Jac goes to get Melissa so they can talk again and Melissa goes back out which was dumb.  Melissa needs to stay away from her and Teresa needs to stop giving this chick chances.  It needs to be over.

Teresa and Melissa are now fighting like kids in the parking lot and it is sad. I like both of them in different ways and for different reasons, and this is pathetic.  I feel bad for both of them and can agree with both of them depending on which way the wind is blowing.  When push comes to shove, Teresa is doing the best she can and Melissa seems unwilling to help her. She cannot take the high road and likes the drama more than anything.

In the parking lot fight I’m feeling a confused.  I truly do see both sides, but in the end, if I were forced to pick a side, I would side with cancelling the Housewives of New Jersey and giving Rosie her own show.  Caroline is saying that Melissa and Joe need to walk away from Teresa and it is fascinating. Caroline is a bitter hag and she needs to just shut the hell up and worry about her talentless kids, and leave this family alone.  Enough.

Tonight we learned that Jac is wishy-washy and quite dumb, Caroline is bitter and bored, Kathy brings nothing to the table, Teresa is going through a hard time, and Melissa cares more about fame than family.  We also learned that no good can come of inviting fairies to your party.  Damn those fairies. I like this show and these chicks, but they need to get it together because it’s boring and repetitive.  None of them are keeping it real.

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May 5, 2012 | 12:41 pm

The Painfully Predictable Celebrity Apprentice

Posted by Ilana Angel

This show has become so painful to watch it is has taken me almost a week to blog about it.  I watched it on Sunday with all of you, and sat down a half dozen times to write about it, and just couldn’t do it.  I feel like every week is the same show.  The players are predicable, Trump is predictable, that I will need a minimum of three drinks to get through it, is predicable.

We start with Aubrey giving her charity a check for $50K.  She makes it all about her not the charity, which I think is gross.  The funny thing is when the employee from GLISTEN comes in to get the money, she puts out her hand to shake with Aubrey, and Aubrey goes in for the hug.  Not sure why I thought this was funny, but that she was not into the hug, was entertaining.

Dayana is project manager of Clay and Lisa.  Arsenio is leader of Teresa and Aubrey.  They need to write a jingle for an RV company.  As the teams are leaving to start the task, Trump reminds us Aubrey is a Playboy model not a singer, and wishes Dayana luck, which means she will be the one to go home this week.  It’s so predictable I need to drink.

Dayana does not know what a jingle is, and assumes it has to do with Christmas.  Clay is explaining to Dayana that the melody should come before the lyrics, and Lisa agrees as if she is a music mogul.  Dayana is so sweet, so pretty, and so dumb.  Lisa is so mean, so ugly, and so rude.  Clay is resentful he is not team leader as he is the only one with the ability to win this one.

Arsenio and Aubrey are fighting while poor Teresa is stuck in the car with the lunatics.  Aubrey suggests Arsenio tap dances, which puts him over the edge.  She tells the camera Arsenio is a girl who wears cheerleading outfits at home.  Aubrey O’Day is an ugly human being.  Her voice, hair, makeup, and injected lips make me want to punch something.  Like a face. Hers.

The executive comes to meet with Arsenio’s team and Aubrey takes over and manipulates Arsenio to do what she wanted to do from the beginning.  She’s good.  A complete bitch, but good.  Meanwhile Clay and Lisa are in sync about their song, and Dayana is simply not getting it.  She also has a chip on her shoulder.  It’s justified I suppose, but getting old already.

Arsenio has decided the best way for his team to win is to kiss Aubrey’s ass so she doesn’t get pissed off.  Good call.  Over with Clay, he and Lisa hate Dayana and let the camera know she is useless, not needed, and slowing them down.  It’s add because she is very sweet, but making a complete fool out of herself because she is a fish out of water and has no clue.

Don Jr. goes to check on the teams and for some reason takes Aubrey off alone to talk to her.  She throws Arsenio under the bus and it’s gross. Almost as gross as her flirting with all the Trumps, and their seeming to like it. Arsenio thinks kissing her ass and taking control, but she is eating him alive, then spitting him out all over the floor and stepping on him.

Don then goes to see Clay’s team and all hell breaks loose.  Dayana says Clay and Lisa are not respecting her, and Lisa starts screaming and crying.  Again.  She storms off in a rage having told Don Jr. Dayana is a moron.  It’s entertaining I suppose, but we see it coming so it’s really just silly. Dayana tries to talk to Lisa and she tells her to F off. Lisa is a hot mess.

Lisa is being a child, telling Dayana that unless she says she’s sorry, she is not interested in talking to her.  Dayana is talking smack about Lisa, which is true, but makes her look like as much of a baby as Lisa.  Dayana is on the verge of tears, and Lisa vows to bury her in the boardroom.  They set it all up for us, which is a drag.  Dayana is getting fried. Predictable.

Arsenio is sweet and I like him so it’s sad to watch him talk about how great Aubrey is being on the task, when she is crapping all over him to the camera. He must be watching this at home and wishing he had smacked her.  Or perhaps regretting that he allowed her crotch to rest on his neck.  I bet he’s not thinking she is too cute right now.  Poor guy is being humiliated.

Aubrey flashes her Spanx again, and takes over the whole show.  Arsenio is pissed she has taken over, but is not willing to acknowledge she had to because he was not doing his job.  Clay finally loses it on Dayana and starts screaming at her.  Then turns to Lisa for back up.  Dayana needs to get fired so this show can get interesting again. She is wrecking it.

The teams present their jingles.  I happen to think that both of them were horrible.  I had never heard of the company “Good Sam’s”, and based on these two jingles I will forget them by the time the show is over.  It’s a drag for these companies that they spend time and money to be on this show and then get nothing out of it.  Blah, blah, blah.  So boring.

We are now in the boardroom.  Lisa and Dayana are going at it and it’s quite funny.  Dayana is calm and ladylike while Lisa is unraveling.  Lisa cries and is simply out of control.  She is talking again about how successful she is, and how she has risen to the top in a man’s world.  It’s a broken record of the Lisa Show.  Fire Dayana already. I can’t drink anymore!

Aubrey gets into the drama and it’s not even her team.  Ivanka is talking about how it may be a failure of leadership on Dayana’s part, and Aubrey jumps right in and says she can lead anyone and that is why she is so great.  Lisa is going off and I must tell you, I’m actually liking her right now.  “This is not Celebrity Ms. Universe.”  It’s freaking awesome.

Dayana says Lisa cries too much, which pisses me off too.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with crying.  Lisa and Dayana are battling and everyone else is laughing.  Clay is turning red and holding in his laughter, which is brilliant.  Trump turns to Clay for some insight and Clay says that while he may not have said it the same way, he agrees with Lisa.

Clay is trying to be sweet and does a good job I guess.  He can be bitchy, but he is mellowing out, coming into his own, owning his talent, and kicking some ass.  As predicted, based on the predictability of this train wreck, Arsenio’s team wins and we will now watch Lisa and Dayana fight a little bit more before she finally has her gorgeous ass sent home.

Dayana, who bitched Lisa out for crying so much, starts to quiver and you know a cry is right there waiting to come out.  Awesome.  I hope she starts bawling.  Clay says he does not respect Dayana.  Trump tells her she is fabulous then fires her and Clay tries to look sad but it’s not cutting it.  Lisa hugs her goodbye and says she is a good person.  Really?

Lisa attempting to be nice to Dayana was stupid and I expected more from her.  Dayana’s parting words are that the players should not be evil, dishonest, or fake. Beautiful, but dumb.  Next week two are eliminated and I predict Teresa and Arsenio will be out.  By next week, of course I mean tomorrow.  I will try to blog in a more timely fashion. Waiting a week is not keeping it real!

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May 1, 2012 | 10:04 pm

The Self-Destruction of Bethenny Continues

Posted by Ilana Angel

Bethenny Ever After continues to be a massive crock-pot of crap.  It is slow moving, repetitive, predictable, and painful to watch.  There are things that just don’t match up, which makes sense since this is a show about Bethenny and none of her stories add up.  She has been lying about her life for so long that she cannot help herself and needs to lie here too.  I watch this show with fascination and while I don’t blog about it on a regular basis, I have made myself a real margarita and have decided to jump back in this week.

We start the show with Bethenny, her castrated husband, and her paid friends still in Mexico.  It is unbelievable to me that Jason agrees to be on this show.  He went from being a delicious man I thought was fabulous, to a week man I have no respect for.  The relationship between Jason and Bethenny is odd.  There is no chemistry, no passion, no love, and apparently not even any like.  Since Bethenny loves therapy so much, they are going to music therapy, which is a pathetic way to fill an hour of television.

The music therapy is beyond stupid.  Bethenny is crude and inappropriate, Jason looks at her with a puzzled look that could be translated to either “What the hell am I doing here?” or, “Sitting is much more comfortable with no balls.”  It is 10 minutes of useless television that is not entertaining on any level.  The fact that the commercial breaks are almost five minutes long are a clear indication that they are scraping the editing room floor to pull together any semblance of a show.  This truly is a bunch of crap.

They go to a church, make lame jokes, and RaRa starts to cry. She misses her family, blah, blah, blah.  Bethenny tries to make us think she is the supportive and caring friend, but it’s stupid.  Then Jason walks off to give them a moment together, and Bethenny uses the time with RaRa to ask her if she will be Bryn’s mom should her and Jason die.  Is she freaking kidding me?  She is asking a woman to raise her child and does not think that Jason should be part of that special moment?  Bethenny is a raging bitch.

Julie is the Godmother, but she is not asked.  Jason has two loving and caring parents, but they are not asked.  Instead, this young woman, who they have known for a year, is going to raise their child should they die?  It’s strange and wrong.  There clearly has been a falling out of some kind with Bethenny and Julie and I’d love to know what it is.  Here’s an idea:  Bethenny is a selfish cow who took advantage of Julie and treated her like crap for so long that Julie bailed and now Bethenny is punishing her.  I got it!

They go to a cooking class and Bethenny, the chef, is overwhelmed.  Really? I’m skipping over this part.  Cut to Jason and Bethenny having drinks with the paid friends, and Jason tells Bethenny, in front of everyone, that they have a problem with the apartment.  Bethenny reacts by calling him an f’ing liar in front of everyone.  What is this man thinking?  Bethenny is revolting, Jason is pathetic, these young girls working for her are sad, and this show is embarrassing.  I am happily watching though because my drink is perfect.

Since they have so much luck on boats, and Jason gets sea sick, they decide to take a boat ride.  Maggie the newest and youngest paid friend has a small breakdown and bails on the boat ride.  Julie tells Jason she is tired and could not take the job anymore.  Not buying it.  Bethenny let her down and that is why she is bailing.  If they think we are going to believe that she is leaving because she is tired then they are insane.  One cannot watch this show and not wonder about the mental wellness of Andy Cohen, because he has lost his mind.

Jason and Bethenny are having dinner alone and the fighting starts almost immediately.  It’s boring and I can’t take it.  They cannot stand to be together so why are they?  She cares more about her business than her husband, and he is more of a sperm donor than a husband, so it’s just a mess. This is not good television.  Bethenny is self-destructing and while I thought it would be fun to watch, in the end, not so much.  It’s exhausting, and as a viewer I feel manipulated and disrespected.  Shame on me for watching.

Bethenny is fake crying which is hilarious.  She sniffs, has no tears, and wants us to think she is sad?  Okay. He blames her, she blames him, and it’s a vicious cycle.  She is complaining about how poor she was which is ridiculous. Jason storms off, then returns.  By returns of course I mean it was edited to look like he came back, but I think he simply bailed.  This show is out of control and while I like to think I’m done, I will be back next week because I am the only one who is willing to discuss Bethenny and keep it real.

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May 1, 2012 | 5:47 pm

Shahs of Sunset Finale Recap - Finally!

Posted by Ilana Angel

I don’t know what is harder to believe, that the first season of Shahs of Sunset is over, or that someone at Bravo actually thought that 6 weeks of this show would be enough.  Really Bravo?  We are hooked, and now we are also pissed.  These people make for good television and 6 weeks is lame.  We were just starting to figure this group out and they are done.  Not cool.

It’s been a couple of weeks since the show ended, and I figured I would finally get around to blogging the finale.  The good news is that it has been announced that season two is coming.  I really hope Seacrest Productions will not set up as many scenes, and just let these people loose.  They are fascinating and interesting without all the fake stuff thrown in.

The finale starts with Mike and GG hanging out and it’s awkward.  GG clearly sees their relationship differently and you can’t help but wonder why.  She thinks there is underlying love between them, but she is just the little sister of someone he once dated.  She is flirting with him and he is telling her there is never going to be anything between them.  It’s odd.

She is in love with him, but he is not in love with her.  If he dated my sister it would be enough for me to not date him, but she seems either determined or delusional.  Does she really like him or is she so competitive with her sister she wants him just to say she got him?  I like Mike and think he handles GG well.  I like GG, but she needs to move on and let go.

MJ goes to visit Reza and they talk about his trip to New York and the fact that he has reconciled his relationship with his dad.  In his quest for peace with his dad, he wants to have peace between MJ and her mom.  It’s quite mean.  Reza tells MJ that her mother does no love her and it’s too much.  I thought it was harsh, mean spirited, and simply not nice.

MJ says that her mom loves her, she is just mean to her, and it’s heartbreaking.  MJ’s mother Vida is hardened by her life and sadly does not see that she is dumping her crap on her only child.  Divorce can screw people up in the most loving of families, but with a mother like Vida it is made even harder.  I believe she loves her in her own crazy way.

MJ is getting ready for a double date with Sammy.  She is setting him up with a nice Jewish girl, and he is bringing a nice Persian guy for her.  She has not been on a date in a while so she is excited.  She gets dolled up and is going with an open mind.  We meet the girl she picked for him and she is very pretty and seems sweet.  MJ’s date?  Not so much.

Sammy brings a guy that MJ actually dated before.  They had a relationship years ago and Sammy thought it was worth them trying again.  Really Sammy?  MJ looks like she wants to kill herself, Sammy could care less about her discomfort, and his date is clearly not into him. They go into the bar and MJ wants to sit as far away from her date as possible.

He is creepy looking, lusting over MJ, and she is checked out.  The girl for Sammy is looking at him and clearly wondering what the hell she is doing there.  He then tells her she needs to be a little more toned.  This is a very pretty girl with a nice body, and Sammy is telling her she needs to get toned?  Sammy?  Toned? This scene makes him look like a putz, which he is not.

Over with MJ, her date has his hands all over her and not only is she is not into it, but while she is being mauled, Sammy does not seem to care. Sammy’s date Hannah is getting annoyed that Sammy is not helping MJ and before they know it MJ bails.  Not sure I would have left my girlfriend there with them, but she bails and Sammy thinks she is simply in the bathroom.

I love me some Sammy but this was just lame.  He should never have set her up with such a loser, especially a loser she has dated before.  He is oblivious to what he’s done which makes him a douchebag.  Cut to Reza and MJ going for a walk with the dogs and she tells him all about the date.  Important to note: Reza is perfect reality television.  A star is born.

He is sympathizing with MJ and goes back and forth between English and Farsi, which I love.  Mike calls to say he has closed a deal and wants everyone to get together to celebrate.  Cute Reza makes sure it’s cool with MJ as Sammy will be there.  How can you not love Reza?  By love him of course I mean gay or not, I would date Reza.  He is fabulous.

GG is out on a date with a very handsome Persian doctor and she is very nervous which is cute, but she is socially awkward, which is hilarious.  He arrives before her and orders a drink, which she is clearly annoyed with.  I agree.  Don’t order until I get there.  It’s called manners.  GG is trying to eat soup with noodles and I feel bad for how ridiculous she looks.

GG gives up on the soup and tells the nice handsome doctor that she likes crazy people like Dahmer and Manson.  She then tells him her baby factory is open.  It is a horrible date and you have to wonder if all her dates are like this.  She is beautiful, but in need of some dating lessons.  I love this girl and even though she is a little rough around the edges, she is a doll.

Asa is with the Persian Barbara Walters and she is asking her for guidance in a completely passive aggressive way.  It’s scripted and fake and a total drag because had this been an organic conversation, it would have been fascinating.  Instead it’s a fake conversation on the beach and I’m over it. Asa is talented, but she is whoring her work out and it’s not cute.

Sammy goes to meet MJ for a chat so there is no tension at Mike’s celebratory dinner and he approaches her starting a fight.  It is a he said/she said thing and frankly, I don’t care. Both behaved badly but Sammy brought her ex so at the end of the day he is to blame.  His humiliating her on television is a low blow and he looks like a schmuck.  Again.

I love Sammy but he is wrong here.  He never should have said he struggled to get her a date.  Not good Sammy.  He then walks out on her and so payback is complete.  Move on kids.  MJ is with Asa and it’s fake.  It pisses me off because it’s just not needed here.  There are plenty of reality shows that need help, but these people are good being authentic.

MJ is out for lunch with her mom and it’s brutal.  I like Vida.  By like of course I mean I feel sorry for her that she has allowed her own sadness and bitterness to dictate how she parents her daughter.  It’s sad.  MJ asks her if she is proud of her and her mom can’t say it.  It’s very upsetting to watch and I feel horrible for MJ that this is their relationship.

That said, I think her having this conversation on camera is not nice.  She is humiliating her mother and that’s not cool.  Vida is mean and that is never going to change so the only reason to do it on the show is to embarrass her.  For her mom to say MJ is not marriage material is a stab to the heart and my advice to MJ would be to get distance.

Asa has a party to show her art and play her song and it’s lovely.  Her parents are adorable, the house is fabulous, Reza is delicious, her art is interesting, and her music is quite good.  I wish her well and am glad this show was able to springboard her career.  However, don’t say you don’t want to sell out, then do a reality show and exploit yourself.

We see Reza having a conversation with his dad and yes, I cried.  I love Reza and think he is a role model for men, gay or straight.  The dinner is a way to wrap up the season and it’s really nice.  We see that at the core of these people is friendship.  They love each other and that allows us to easily love them also.  We end the season wanting more, which is a home run.

Mike, GG, Reza, MJ, Sammy, Asa are real people which makes this reality show entertaining.  I will watch them when they come back for season two and look forward to seeing how things will change, or perhaps stay the same. This show was a huge hit and I get it.  We watch not to see a train wreck, but rather because we crave a reality show that keeps it real.

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