March 15, 2012 | 11:50 am

Is “Bethenny Gets Divorced” Coming to Bravo?

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Remember when Bethenny was funny and you were pulling for her to find love and happiness?  Neither do I.  She has been so unappealing for so long that it’s impossible to now remember a time when I liked her.  She is bad television, and her show has now become focused entirely on how her marriage is falling apart.  Bad enough she belittles her husband non-stop, but she is now humiliating him in a way that is uncomfortable to watch.

She spends an hour a week showing the world that she is simply not well, and is screwed up in a way that is not fixable.  She has been in fake therapy for three years on this show and she is no farther along in terms of her issues than when she started.  She found all the things in Jason that she thought she would never find, and she spends what appears to be every waking moment sabotaging it.  She wants fame not happiness.

The show this week starts with Bethenny at a shoot with her “friends”, who happen to work for her, and they immediately talk about boobs.  It then transitions to us learning Jason and Bethenny got into a series of bad fights about his birthday.  Apparently she worked hard to plan the perfect weekend, but it was a big birthday with him turning 40, and she did not bother to include his parents, which turned out to be a big deal.

I’m not sure why Jason was surprised by the omission.  Bethenny does not like his parents and never has.  She is selfish and this was about her, not him.  He is their only child and for him to turn 40 without them there is simply not nice.  The thing is, Bethenny is not nice so it makes perfect sense to me.  The past couple of weeks have shown moments of the old Bethenny but she is now officially gone.  There is no good Bethenny.

I am sick of Bethenny complaining about her marriage and her “friends” supporting her when they know she is wrong.  She is paying people to share her opinion and that her therapist does not see how severely unstable she is, is mindboggling.  She is systematically breaking the spirit and heart of her husband, who is the father of her child, and that child will see this one day.  It is going to bite Bethenny in her boney ass.

Bethenny is meeting with the architect, without Jason, and it is scripted to make us think she is a brilliant businesswoman, but I didn’t get that.  What it showed me is that Bethenny is planning to live alone in this new apartment and so all the problems need to be taken care of by her, without Jason, because he will not be in the picture for much longer.  I cannot watch this show without feeling bad about the complete humiliation of Jason.

Bethenny is now shopping for furniture without Jason.  He calls and tries hard to have a say.  He is on speaker phone, complains that things are not moving quickly to the designers, and Bethenny blows him off, he hangs up, and she is back in control.  This show is painful to watch and I am hanging on until the big shipwreck lie, then I might check out.  The architect comes and Bethenny is again trying to be an impressive businesswoman.

Sidebar:  The designers are lovely and I like their vibe.  The architect is a fame whore who clearly loves being on television and is always looking for his reflection so he can see himself.  Bethenny meets with a chiropractor about stress in her neck and the entire scene is mortifying.  She embarrasses herself and the doctor.  She is not cute, not funny, not charming. She is annoying, silly, and no longer good television.

Bethenny is out with her staff and you can’t help but notice that she seems to have lost half her hair.  You can tell which scenes she has extensions in, and which one she is natural in.  Her natural hair is balding and so extensions might want to become a daily thing for her.  She is revamping her website and wants to make sure her staff is planning to stay at their jobs and not leaving because they are both dealing with long distance relationships.

I feel bad for Julie. She has been nothing but loyal to this woman and Bethenny seems to not care about her anymore.  She is the Godmother to Bryn, yet she was not invited to the friends weekend away in the Hamptons. Bethenny is not nice to Julie and it’s sad to see.  This girl thought she would be a part of the empire and in the end she is an assistant and nothing more. Bethenny will sell her down the river in a heartbeat, and it’s coming.

Bethenny is at fake therapy with her unethical actor therapist and it’s lame. She is crying, complaining, and we are being set up for “Bethenny Getting Divorced”, coming this fall to Bravo.  She is putting her marriage on public display in a way that will be, in my opinion, impossible to recover from.  How can Jason watch this and not be pissed off?  She has not only cut off his balls, but chopped them, fried them, and fed them to the dog.

She is sharing their fights, without Jason there to defend himself, and it’s wrong.  He has however agreed to go on the therapy boat ride, which we now know was a complete lie and scripted fake drama.  Julie agrees to pose in underwear for Bethenny and it’s sad that this girl is so insecure that she lets this woman treat her so poorly.  Bethenny is now out with another friend.  By friend of course I mean she pays her to work for her.

The show ends with Bethenny and Jason fighting and it’s just sad.  I write about this show, and am clearly not a fan of this woman, but I felt sad for her in the last scene.  She is unable to enjoy her happiness and seems to always be looking for a fight.  I spend a lot of time wanting to slap her when I watch this show, but when Jason walked away left her crying, I found myself wanting to hug her.  Who thought that would ever happen?

Just when I am starting to feel sorry for her, it’s over.  Jason and Bethenny are fighting in front of the baby and it’s sad, but I notice Jason has not shaved and is scruffy.  Cut to scenes from next week, which is supposed to be the next day on the boat, and he has a full on beard.  If Bravo is going to script this crap, then get an editor that is better at continuity.  This show sucks and so does Bethenny.  I’m just keeping it real.

March 13, 2012 | 9:32 am

The Bachelor Finale – ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Posted by Ilana Angel

To clarify, I am annoyed.  By annoyed of course I mean totally pissed off that I once again got sucked into this show.  It is a complete and total crapfest that has nothing to do with reality, and everything to do with a bunch of losers concerned with finding 15 minutes of fame over finding love.

This season has been painful to watch, and the only way to sit through it is with the assistance of wine.  Monday nights are all about selecting a good Merlot and settling in for hours of vomit inducing television.  That’s true every year, but Ben’s season was special.

By special of course I mean that this man, who never washes his hair and talks in slow spurts, has chosen sex over substance from the beginning.  That the finale now involves our having to sit through what feels like days with his mother and sister is simply too much.  This family is a snore.

It would appear that the entire family has a genetic mutation that requires them to live their lives void of any personality.  The sister, who may or may not be related to Khloe Kardashian, talks in the same monotone voice that makes watching my nails grow seem more interesting than them.

Not even the scenery can make this freak show have any value.  Let me break it all down for you:  Ben has been in love with Courtney from the moment he saw her.  It was love at first sight and he has wanted to be with her the entire season.  Everyone else was a waste of time.

The producers have had to scramble to create a show out of nothing because it’s been Ben in love with Courtney.  He was slutty with all the others in an attempt to make us believe he is interested in them too.  We are simply too smart however, and saw through the bad editing from day one.

The entire show was about Courtney being a bitch, the other girls not liking her, Ben loving her, and no real decision to be made.  Ben was going to pick Courtney and whether she was a lying and conniving whore is irrelevant.  To be clear, she was, but it’s irrelevant to the outcome.

When Courtney came to the Women Tell All Special, it was clear he had picked her.  Why would they dedicate so much time to her making amends with the girls she made no apologies for hating, if he had not picked her?  I feel bad for Lindzi that she got dragged along for so long.

Lindzi will be fine because she is simple and will forget about this show in a minute.  She won’t forget because she is blocking out the pain, but rather because she will see a butterfly go by, focus on that, and it will be over.  She can only have one thing in her mind at a time.

I don’t mean to be harsh to sweet Lindzi but come on.  Anyone who goes on this show is clearly a moron, and someone who goes on, all the while whining about her broken heart and not clear if se will ever love again, deserves to get her ass kicked, which Lindzi did.  Or did she?

She does not come on the After the Final Rose Special as the “loser” always does, so where is she?  She is either out spending the bankroll they bought her off with, or chasing butterflies and contemplating buying a brush.  A big decision since she’s never owned one.

Listening to Ben talk to his family makes my skin itchy.  I seem to be having an allergic reaction of some kind to this slow speaking and boring group of people.  I am itchy, drinking, laughing, and trying to not puke.  With all that said, why in the hell am I watching this show?  Why God?  Why?

At minute 36 it is pretty much decided that Ben, with the support of his family, is going to ask Courtney to marry him.  Cut to Ben making out with Lindzi on their last date. Poor Lindzi.  Whatever.  Sidebar:  How does Courtney kiss with such an unfortunate overbite and lip deviation?

Important to note: the music is pathetic and the scripted crap from Ben about their relationship reaching new heights, as they circle the Matterhorn in a helicopter, is enough to make me scream.  To be clear, I am screaming right now.  Literally screaming “enough” at my television.

Watching Ben with Courtney, if are able to forget everything you know about Courtney and Ben, is really sweet.  They are a cute couple, and clearly in love.  It is indeed a special day when two people, both living without personalities or shampoo, are able to find each other.  A true miracle.

On their last night together, right before they have sex again, Courtney gives Ben a book of photos the producers gave her to give him.  She reads him a lame letter, giggles on cue, talks in baby talk, puckers her weird lips, and it’s over.  She may in fact be living with half a brain.

Sidebar:  How is it possible that I only noticed now how shiny her face is?  I also never noticed the Neanderthal shape of her forehead until now.  The lesson learned it that I have clearly been drinking too much because all the wine has caused me to miss out on some entertaining details.

It’s time for the big proposal and one cannot go on without mentioning that Lindzi is wearing a truly ugly dress.  She is in love, wants to marry him, and is certain he is picking her.  She is so boring, and appears to be a little embarrassed that she allowed herself to be bought off.

When Lindzi arrives, she goes into a speech about how she loves him, and it’s weird because he is the one who should be talking.  I guess the Producers thought Ben needed a little help with the MOST DRAMATIC FINAL ROSE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND AND THE UNIVERSE.

Ben dumps Lindzi and she stands there with a blank stare.  They want us to think she is in shock and heartbroken, but in fact she is counting the money in her head.  They paid her to stay to the end so they could salvage a season out of nothing.  She really does not seem that upset.

Courtney arrives in an okay dress with hideous gloves.  If you are cold then wear a dress with sleeves and lose the lame gloves.  He tells her he loves her, blah, gives her a ring, blah, asks her to marry him, blah, she says yes, blah, blah, blah.  I’m done, but we still have another hour to go.

Ben is talking to Courtney and I must tell you he looks the best he’s looked.  I don’t think it’s because he washed his hair as clearly he has not, but he looks a little heavier, healthier, and just better somehow. Maybe it’s a look of relief that this ridiculous show is almost over.

Ben tells us he was not tricked or fooled and America did not get to see all the sides of Courtney.  If that is true, then America was tricked and fooled into believing he was torn between the women when really he was picking her from the get go and the season was a sham.

Ben says the stress of watching the show was too much and they broke up.  Scrutiny from press, drunk bloggers, and the audience was too hard and he needed to walk away.  In line with the ridiculousness of this season, this special is just as dumb.  Why am I watching?

Ben leaves and Courtney comes out.  To be fair, she looks beautiful and the baby voice is gone.  The world must be coming to an end because I like her at this moment, and no good can come of that.  She is not proud of how she acted in the house with the other women.

She says they were in love until the show started airing and everything about her behavior came out.  We also that after proposing to this girl, Ben dumped her and did not even send her flowers or a card for Valentine’s Day.  Immature and also a little mean.

She lost trust in him, he was unkind to her, and I am unclear why it is that I find myself liking her right now.  She was a bitch to the other girls, but it’s a game.  If we go with the don’t hate the player, hate the game theory, then The Bachelor is the game and we must all hate it.

Courtney is crying, saying she loves Ben, hopes they are together, and wants to try.  Best part is when Courtney “cries”, and apologizes for crying.  She would have been better off apologizing for crying with no tears. She is a horrible actress but I see a soap opera in her future.

Now Ben and Courtney are with Chris together, and Ben says they are engaged and together. Chris is asking why Ben bailed on her and he is apologetic, but gives no real answers.  Courtney is crying, Ben is crying, and I am sad I only had a half bottle of wine when the night started.

She says she does not trust Ben 100%, but she loves him and is choosing to be with him and try to make it work.  Whatever. They are together but not, engaged but there is no trust, giving up on each other but dedicated.  This show is lame.  They will be totally done by the end of the week.

Or maybe they will get married.  We don’t know and should not care. They show the proposal in Switzerland and both of them start to cry.  It’s really sad.  I find myself now liking Ben and feeling bad for him. This poor guy will forever be bad hair Ben and he did not plan on that.

Chris gives the ring to Ben and as mortifying as it is to tell you, I started to cry.  Ben takes the ring and gives it to Courtney and I’m crying.  They don’t kiss, just hum and haw about their future and my warm and fuzzy feeling is gone.  This show sucks and this couple deserves each other.

Just when I think it’s over, Chris introduces the “most beloved couple in Bachelor history” and it’s Ashley and JP.  Is he high?  We hated her on this show, thought he was an idiot for staying with her, and were nauseated her entire season.  Who cares about what this couple is doing?

I will never watch this show again.  By never again of course I mean until next season.  I am not listening to Ashley speak so it’s over.  The season is done, I am pissed off, and life goes on.  Thanks for reading.  It’s been a season of crap, but I am happy I was able to keep it real.

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March 12, 2012 | 9:25 am

Celebrity Apprentice – Andretti Crashes

Posted by Ilana Angel

Let’s start by saying that this show does not need to be two hours long.  The pauses, the celebrities in thought, the dramatic music, all of it can be cut. It would be much more interesting if it was an hour.  I love this show but it’s early and the two hours is going to get old really fast.  By really fast of course I mean now.  Two hours is lame Trump.

Dayanna gives her money to her charity, which raises money for people in the Latin community living with HIV/AIDS.  She goes to give them the money she won and I cried.  I wish she could have won more.  She is sweet and her cause is important.  God bless them all.  Bravo to Trump for the charity aspect of this show.  It is very impressive.

The task is to help launch the new Buick Verano.  The leader for the women is the epically unappealing Debbie Gibson, and the men go with Adam Carolla. Weird that Adam would lead a car task when they have an Andretti, but whatever.  It will be hard to write this blog because Gibson gives me a sharp lower back pain.  I seriously don’t get this chick.

Aubrey immediately steps into her ego driven leadership role.  I think she is an idiot, but bless her, she knows what she is doing and works hard.  Like her or not, she is killing it on this show.  It’s just a shame we are forced to deal with her personality, clothes and hair.  The reps from Buick come to meet both groups and we know within minutes the men will lose.

Adam is doing his own thing, and not what the Buick reps are asking for. They also have Michael Andretti, who is an icon when it comes to cars, but they don’t seem to get the value of that.  Adam is funny, he is also a car guy, but like he tells the camera, people may not know that about him.  It’s a drag to watch two hours when we know they are going to lose.

The men are still not digging Lou and it’s sad.  This show does wonders to help rebuild careers but in the case of Mr. Ferrigno, it is making him look like a schmuck who is only capable of being the Hulk, and complaining.  With the women, Aubrey is running the show, Debbie is trying to sound like she knows what she is talking about, and I’m having wine.

Adam is flying by the seat of his pants and the men don’t agree, or really get it, but allow him to hang himself and go along for the ride even though they are about to crash and burn.  The men are going for comedy, and the women are going for emotions.  Arsenio is cool, Dee is awesome, Clay is snarky, and Lou has really just got to go home already.

Aubrey wants us to think she is one of the cool and chosen girls, while Teresa, Tia and Dayanna are the loser chicks.  Whatever Aubrey.  She wishes she was as cool as Teresa.  Aubrey is a bitch and Debbie is a moron. Teresa looks gorgeous, and is annoyed she is being left out.  The loser girls call to get in on the action but Debbie blows them off.

The teams go for a test drive and Andretti drives for the men.  It’s cool to see him whip around the track.  That he is not the project manager is a dark cloud over the men.  Debbie drives for the women.  Who cares.  Adam is doing his own thing, with or without the support of his team. and Debbie is talking only to listen to her own voice.

Donald Trump Jr. comes to check on the women and Debbie blows smoke up his ass.  Ivanka goes to see the men and she is puzzled why Andretti is not the leader.  Why don’t they just end it now?  They are telling us at every turn the men are losing, and it sucks the joy out of watching.  I am now pissed off that this show is two hours.

The teams are rehearsing their presentations and I am not really paying attention.  The men are not funny, not on board with Adam, and I’m sick of listening to Lou complain.  He let’s us know that everything he does creates attention.  Really?  Nobody knows who you are Sweetie and you need to go home now.  I love you, but shhhhhh.

Over with the women, their presentation looks lame.  Then Aubrey, the most annoying chick ever, gives us the highlight of the night.  She lets us know “Debbie Gibson is having her comeback tour”.  She says she loved Tiffany more, and we are going to watch a Gibson concert whether we bought a ticket or not.  Best moment of the night.

Forte does their bit and it’s stupid.  Aubrey does not know the name of the car, Debbie Gibson is a moron, Teresa is there with Juicy Joe and her kids, who are gorgeous, Lisa is funny, Tia is doing the best she can, and Debbie is desperately trying to seem relevant.  She is lucky she got this gig at all.  She is a hot mess who needs a makeover.

Aubrey does a fake crying thing and blah, blah, blah, I’m not listening. Debbie is sporting a wig, calling out Aubrey for saying the name wrong, and bagging on Teresa for having her kids there, failing to remember she invited Juicy and the kids.  I am now fantasizing about accidentally tripping Debbie, her wig falls off, and Tiffany is singing in the background.

The men do their bit and there is still more talk about Andretti not stepping up to the plate, and no real support for Adam.  Paul tanks with his bit and I’m skipping over this part.  We only see a little bit of each presentation but it was enough for me to think the men did better, which is not saying much since they both kind of sucked.

Does Trump now honestly think I am going to sit through an hour of the boardroom?  Dear Lord.  I’m not doing it.  Debbie is a twit, Teresa is annoyed, Tia is pissed, Dayanna is invisible, Patricia is silent, Lisa is Lisa, Aubrey is annoying, and Debbie is nauseating.  Over with the men, we are once again talking about why Andretti was not the leader.

Lou is whining and I am now fast forwarding to the end.  Adam thinks they won, the women think they won, blah, blah, blah the women win.  No surprise since they led us down this road from the first five minutes.  Trump asks Tia a question, she stumbles over the answer and he dismisses her which was really funny.  Trump is very entertaining.

Debbie says if they lose she is bringing Teresa and Tia back to the boardroom, and Teresa is holding her own.  These bitches better back off of Mrs. Guidice or she will go New Jersey on their asses.  The manipulated drama is fun for about two minutes but they drag it out for 20 minutes.  They are going to win so enough with this crap already.

The women win, Debbie cries, then sucks up to Teresa and tells her she likes her and is sorry.  Teresa is too smart for this and I hope she throws Gibson under the bus next week.  Loterally. I want Debbie to go home.  In the boardroom Adam will not give two names to bring into the boardroom.  He thinks the loss was his responsibility as the team leader.

Adam is a mensch, handles himself with class, and in the end his team is punished for it.  Trump says since Adam is not going to bring people back with him, Trump is going to fire two people.  Everyone thinks Lou is the weakest player and it’s too bad Adam does not bring Lou with him because he may have been saved, but in the end Adam is fired.

The team starts to turn on Andretti and it’s stupid because we are now watching 10 minutes of fluff to get to the end.  Seriously, this is stupid already. Adam is out, and the others are sent out so Trump can decide who else will be fired.  He drags out the show even longer, then he fires Andretti which was totally lame.  Andretti was robbed.

If Trump wants this show to be two hours long every week, he needs to realize the audience is not stupid and fill the time with entertainment, not music, dramatic pauses and reviewing every single thing that is said.  Lou will lead next week and he will fail, which means we will be stuck with Gibson for another week.  I’ll need more wine if I’m going to keep it real.

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March 12, 2012 | 2:54 am

Shahs of Sunset - Hello? We’re Persian!

Posted by Ilana Angel

The wait is over.  Shahs of Sunset has been in the works for a long time and it finally premiered.  There has been a lot of talk about this group, and most of it not good.  They have been labeled bad for Persians, bad for Jews, and bad for America.  At the end of the day they are a bunch of harmless people who are here to entertain, not create peace between Iran and America.  The bottom line is these people are good television.

Of course good television is up for interpretation, but for me a good reality show makes me laugh, stare in amazement, and not have to think too much. If you follow those criteria, Shahs of Sunset is great television. I was certain I would watch the first episode, and now having seen it, I’m jumping in.  I will watch it, blog it, love, it and mock it.  This is reality TV not politics, so the haters need to lighten up and enjoy the ride.

MJ is Persian, Muslim, a real estate agent, single, and not looking to get married.  She is an only child who has not recovered from the divorce of her parents.  Reza is Persian, Muslim, a real estate agent, single, looking, gay and fabulous.  He is good television and to be clear, I love him.  Mike is Persian, Jewish, a real estate agent, single, a player, and in love with GG, although he downplays exactly how much he is into her.

GG is Persian, Muslim, and a Princess.  She does not work, is supported completely by her dad, and is unapologetic about it.  Like her or hate her, she is honest and clear about who she is so you have to respect that.  She is in for a rude awakening, but bless her for living her life out loud.  She is in love with Mike, but he once dated her sister, which is a little creepy. They are electric and I want them to get married.

Asa is Persian, Muslim, and an artist.  I don’t get her.  Don’t get the music, the art, the clothes, the hair, the eyebrows, none of it.  As we get to know her we will either love her or hate her because she’s a little odd.  It’s going to be one extreme or the other.  Sammy is Persian, Jewish, a real estate agent, a bit of a schlub, but loveable.  They all live well but it appears to be because of their families, not themselves.

These people are proudly Persian.  Their heritage trumps their faith and it’s charming.  It does not matter that some are Jewish and some are Muslim, it does however matter that they are all Persian.  There is a bond that I love and so like it or not, they are showing a side to their community that I think is important.  They respect each other, value their history, and are loving and respectful of their parents.  Except maybe for MJ.

MJ’s mother Vida is hardcore.  She is actually quite mean to MJ, and while it’s not said to be hurtful, it is.  She is a typical mom in a lot of ways, but has put the end of marriage on her daughter and that is a shame.  Vida is funny, but only because she is not my mother.  She thinks Jewish girls get fat and ugly after marriage, and Sammy agrees with her.  Don’t make me call you a pig Sammy.  It’s episode one so pace yourself!

The gang, along with a few friends thrown in, are discussing marriage and religion and it’s fascinating.  It’s the same conversation I have had with my friends, Persian and otherwise.  They are attractive people, clearly Middle Eastern, and a little old to be so unsettled.  They are living the lives of younger people and should be farther along in my opinion.  Before we know it GG and Asa are going at it, and so the games begin.

Asa makes a joke about clothes from H&M, GG thinks she is talking about her, and it’s on.  Asa knocks GG for living off her dad, and GG loses her mind. She is pissed her family was brought into it and even though it really wasn’t, I love her for feeling the need to stand up for her dad.  I like GG.  It will take a couple more episodes to know if I love her because she is good people or if it’s because I’m scared of her.

Mike is in a business meeting, and frankly, I don’t believe what he is saying. He is a player and clearly a liar, but then his mom calls and he takes the call in the middle of the meeting.  His mom is calling to remind him about Shabbat dinner.  He calls her Mummy, tells her he loves her, and all of a sudden I am willing to overlook his crap slinging.  I love how he loves his mother and so now I love Mike too.

MJ is going to be in her friend’s wedding party and she is bitter, mean, and rather selfish.  Rather than support her friend, she is negative and hurtful. It’s sad.  Clearly the divorce damaged her spirit and it really puts a spotlight on how the actions we take as parents really affect our children.  I like MJ and hope she allows herself the opportunity to find love.  She needs to live her life, not get buried under her mother’s life.

Reza is the breakout star of this show.  He is full of one-liners, charming with just the right amount of bitchy thrown in.  His moustache in ridiculous and sexy at the same time.  He is Freddy Mercury and Magnum PI all rolled into one fabulous gay man.  Sammy is sweet, but has a sleaze vibe I can’t quite figure out.  I think in the end he will prove to be more cheesy than sleazy, but time will tell.  Maybe he’s just lonely.

Sammy is having a huge summer party and it’s interesting.  Asa comes in an outfit that nobody understands, Mike brings the chick he is sleeping with and let’s be clear, she is a skank.  GG tells us she hates ants and ugly people, Asa thinks they all need to grow up, and Sammy is scoping out the chicks.  GG and Reza are talking about going to Vegas for his birthday and she is annoyed Asa was invited.  It’s going to get ugly.

I love it that GG, who grew up in Beverly Hills, gets a heavy New York accent when she is pissed off.  Too funny.  GG is jealous of Mike’s whore and it’s cute.  The sexual tension between Mike and GG is hilarious.  Sidebar: I’m trying to figure out who GG reminds me of and I think its Debra Messing. Picture GG with red hair and you’ll see it.  I’m totally digging this show.  It is everything reality television should be.

I’m not Persian so I can’t comment on how this show will be perceived by that community, but I can tell you it’s TV not politics and these people are not hurting anyone.  They are not here to save the planet, or make Iranian/American relations better.  They are funny, endearing, annoying, charming, and fabulous.  If you want to hate, don’t watch.  I will be tuning in, blogging, and keeping it real.

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March 10, 2012 | 11:03 am

Reality TV Overdose

Posted by Ilana Angel

I watch much more reality television than I write about.  Some shows are impossible to recap because they are simply not good, and others I watch for me, and so blogging about them makes it work, and therefore takes the pleasure out of it.  While I have many favorites, I can’t stand some of these train wrecks but suffer through because it’s my job.

I sat down this week and watched a bunch of shows.  In the past I have written about some and skipped over others, but today I thought a quick review was needed. It’s a sad commentary on our society that some of these shows are on television, fascinating some of these people are getting rich, and truly a miracle that I get paid to watch it all.

DANCE MOMS:  Dance teacher Abby Lee is an embarrassment and what she does to these kids is painful to watch. These little girls will snap at some point and that will result in their hating dance, hating themselves, or on a pole.  The little girls are absolutely lovely, and their mothers are absolute bitches.  I would never take my kid to this woman.

TOP CHEF:  This show is brilliant.  I picked Paul as the winner the first week.  This season was excellent in terms of what they created and also excellent in that this was the meanest group of contestants.  They ganged up on poor Beverly, which was sad, but made for really great television.  Chicks in the kitchen are mean, and men in the kitchen are sexy.

MOB WIVES:  I love this show. The women on this show are both unbelievable and real.  They are living a life we thought only existed in the movies, and it’s riveting.  These women are unapologetic, hardcore, sensitive and loving.  Drita is perfection and Big Ang is the greatest thing to happen to television, reality or otherwise, ever.

JERSEY SHORE:  I have gotten a kick out of this show for years but I’m now done.  Mike is a complete and total pig, and Snooki getting pregnant is a sign from the heavens that it’s time to look away.  They had a good run, made a lot of money, and need move on off the TV.  This show has lasted longer than anyone imagined so Mazel Tov and goodbye.

MILLION DOLLAR LISTING: Between Ryan, who works for fun not because he needs the money, to Frederic the Swedish porn star, to Michael the walking petri dish of STD’s, this show is fun to watch from a real estate perspective, and repulsive to watch from a people perspective.  I’m checking out of this one after one episode.

UNDERCOVER BOSS:  I have cried at every episode of this show.  I don’t know how they pick the companies, or the employees to work with, but this show is fun to watch.  You quickly get invested in the people, and are pulling for them to get help from the boss in the end.  I have yet to be disappointed with this show or the people we meet.

SURVIVOR: This show is old.  The challenges have been done over and over again, and the people are not that interesting, but just when you think you want to give up on it, you get a contestant like Colton and all bets are off. This kid is single handedly changing this game in magnificent ways and I am in because of him.  He makes good television.

THE AMAZING RACE:  This show is literally amazing.  It is a romp around the world and a lot of fun.  It is quick, and entertaining and I find myself pulling for people and yelling at the TV telling them to hurry up.  There is a reason this show keeps winning Emmy’s.  This is reality television for people who are smart, not the Kardashian set.

KARDASHIAN ANYTHING:  There is nothing entertaining about this family.  Well Scott Disick is fun, but he’s not a Kardashian.  These people have no talent and nothing of value to say.  There is no reason they should be on television and we should not watch.  I think everything bad thing in the world should be blamed on a Kardashian.

LOVE BROKER:  This show is a waste of time.  When you are watching a matchmaking show and wish you were watching Patti Stanger, you know it’s a crapfest.  The matchmaker is an idiot, her partner is a bitch, and her clients are clearly single for a reason.  Whoever opted to make this show owes me an hour of my life back.

Reality television is an interesting thing.  By interesting of course I mean it is like a cheap street drug and once you watch even a little bit, you are hooked and can’t stop.  If admission is the first step to recovery then my name is Ilana and I am addicted to reality television.  I am going to keep watching, keep blogging, and keep on keeping it real.

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March 6, 2012 | 3:51 am

The Bachelor: Women Tell Nothing

Posted by Ilana Angel

This is my least favorite episode of every season.  I get annoyed by the constant recapping and pissed off that in a two hour show, there is only about 30 minutes of original footage, with a bunch of clips.  Then to make it even more painful, we are shown a Bachelor Whore Reunion in Las Vegas, where we are supposed to guess who the contestants will be for the third season of Bachelor Pad.

I will not be watching Bachelor Pad.  By not watching it of course I mean I will be watching it.  Damn it.  I need a reality show intervention.  I don’t remember half of the people they are showing, and the ones I do remember, I think are morons.  I have said it before and will say it again, Bachelorette Ali is the most annoying reality show contestant ever.  I cannot stand her, and she is the ultimate fame whore.

A women are with Chris and they are ridiculous.  They have watched the season and for reasons I do not understand, are still gushing over Ben. Ben is a bore, with dirty hair, who made out with all of them, slept with a whore, is a dufus and a slut.  How is it possible they are still pining over this guy?  He is either very talented in the boudoir, or these chicks are just really stupid. I’m guessing they’re stupid.

Blakeley is defending herself against all the horrible things everyone said about her.  Sidebar:  I think Blakeley has the same dentist as Hilary Duff because they both have veneers that are too big for their mouths and are reminiscent of Mr. Ed.  Blakely is fighting with Samantha who I don’t remember, and could care less about.  Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I am now drinking my first glass of wine.

Brittney, the chick who brought her Grandma to the first night, tells us she left because she was not attracted to Ben.  Samantha is talking again, but needs to shut the hell up.  Then as if she can hear me, Brittney tells Samantha to shut up.  Love it.  Brittney was quiet and meek on the show but she’s a fireball here and I dig her.  She is pretty and tough. Samantha needs to be squashed like a bug and thrown out.

Chantal, from another season, busted into their season to try and win Ben over and the chicks hated her.  They still do. She is whining about how mean the girls were to her, but what did she expect? She got dumped on her season and needed to stay away from this one.  She tries to be sweet but in the end the chicks are not having it.  They shut her down and blame her for their being mean to her.  Chicks are brutal.

Some chick named Jaclyn, who has horrible hair and an unfortunate nose, is talking and I can’t help but wonder why she is there.  Who cares about the girls that left early?  It should have been just the last handful.  Chantal is desperate which is not a good look.  Emily is talking to Chris and she is cute.  By cute of course I mean she is highly educated, but real life dumb. She is still talking about Courtney and I’m bored.

Nicki is up and telling us she was in love with Ben. It’s weird because I never saw any chemistry between her and Ben.  She is a grown up, he is a child. She washes her hair, he does not.  She is articulate, he is a buffoon.  The only person who saw chemistry between them was her, so one must wonder exactly how much she was drinking during taping.  She’s annoying, but at the same time too good for Ben.

Kacie B. is next and she is boring.  Sweet, but to be clear, a plain piece of white toast.  She loved him and her parents screwed it up for her by telling slutty Ben there was no living together, or sleeping together, before marriage.  Once he met her family, it was never going to happen.  She is like a teenager and had no shot in hell.  Ben is looking to get lucky and that was never happening with Kacie B.  Bless her.

We see a video montage of Courtney and the girls are having a field day. They are throwing her under the bus, which I get.  Courtney is a freak.  By freak of course I mean she is a fame whore who was willing to sleep with a guy she had no interest in to become famous.  Can’t blame her really. She has no obvious talent so this was probably her one and only shot.  Courtney is a model?  Model of how to humiliate yourself.

Courtney comes out and the women are pissed.  She is pretending to be scared and sad but we all know she is laughing on the inside.  She came to play and she did her job.  She has an unfortunate overbite, a bad attitude, and a chip on her shoulder.  Right out of the gate Blakeley is on the attack and throwing Courtney under the bus.  They also point out that the skinny dipping stunt was a total slut move.

Courtney wants us to think she is mortified by her behavior and I’m not buying it.  She wants us to understand the situation was hard for her, which is lame because it was hard for everyone.  Courtney is lying, not doing a good, job, and you know some major fake crying is in our future.  I am now on glass of wine number two and am thinking how great it would be to have a dart board with Ben’s face in the bulls eye.

Courtney is making it worse for herself.  She is not articulate or endearing. She is cold, aloof, and fake.  She is crying and choking up, but there are no tears.  One eventually appears in the corner of her eye and as it streams down her face I wonder if she peed a little as she forced that tear out.  She is not genuine.  She is a liar and a slut, and we’re not buying it. She is now crying and I think it’s because she did in fact pee herself and has to get up with a stained dress.

She apologizes to the girls and Ben, then gives a subtle hint she and Ben are not together.  Whatever. The only question more important than who he picks, is why the hell do we care?  Ben then comes out to face the women and I am pouring my third glass of wine.  The pathetic women are asking him why they were dumped and I am listening and thanking God I am no longer that young and dumb.  They are silly.

They are begging him to tell them, on national television, what is wrong with them.  This show is hilarious and these girls have no self worth.  Ben is talking and I am fantasizing about washing his hair.  I am wearing gloves and using a hose.  Nicki does not understand why he dumped her.  Really?  I will tell you Nicki.  He dumped you because you had no chemistry and nothing to talk about because he is a moron with fleas.

They show some outtakes of “funny” moments and it’s an epic failure. Nothing was funny, proving that as a whole, this was the most boring cast in the history of this franchise.  It’s between Lindzi who is forgettable, and Courtney who is using him.  Next week he will decide but it does not matter because whoever it is, they are broken up by now.  This show makes me nuts, but I’m in till the end.  Annoyed, but keeping it real.

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March 6, 2012 | 12:16 am

Bethenny Sells Out Her Marriage

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are headed to the Hamptons.  Again.  But not before we meet Bethenny’s new driver/security guy.  We are five minutes in and she crosses the line, talking to him about lingerie and feminine hygiene.  She also lets us know she is inappropriate because it’s funny.  Bethenny does not know funny.

I’m not sure why 10 minutes of riding in the car with her is interesting, but whatever.  What about anything she does is interesting?  Bethenny is running through the sprinklers with Bryn and it is adorable. She is funny and cute and you forget for a minute that she is a fame whore, and hot mess.

Jason arrives with two assistants and lets her know he ran over a family of 4 raccoons on the way to the beach.  Bethenny is mortified he did not get out of the car and check on them.  The father of her child should get out of the car on a freeway and risk getting rabies?  Good call Bethenny.

Important to note that nothing is sacred with this woman and she will use any and all opportunities to embarrass and humiliate her husband.  It’s horrible to watch and you can’t but think it’s all orchestrated and they will be divorced by the end of the year.  How does he put up with her?

Bethenny is out for lunch with Jason, and her friends, and she immediately is talking about genitals.  She sets up the sister of her assistant/fake friend Julie with her business partner, but is creepy when talking about it.  Bethenny is bored in her marriage and cannot hide it.

She is holding a party for Skinny Girl, laughing, having fun, and being called an idiot by her husband.  Good times.  The next day Jason tells her she looks beautiful but her hat is big, and she slams him.  She is so completely rude to him it is now uncomfortable to watch.  She is disgusting.

Bethenny is talking about being single and Jason calls her out on it, and the driver sides with Jason, which is just awkward.  They bicker nonstop, in front of everyone, and this show is grating on my last nerve.  They need to wrap it up, admit its over, and stop dragging us through the mud.

Their relationship is truly unfortunate.  She constantly talks about how she wants a better childhood for her daughter, but this is the legacy she is creating for her?.  This little girl will grow up to watch her mother but off her father’s balls on a weekly basis. Pathetic.

Jason and Bethenny are off to lunch together with Cookie and they feel forced.  There is no chemistry between them and it feels like a brother and sister out for the day.  Or maybe it’s like two sisters since Bethenny has stripped Jason of all his manlihood and turned him into a woman.

There is a Skinny Girl flag on the boat they are taking to lunch, which is ridiculous.  We laugh at Bethenny not with her.  Bethenny is proud of herself for not freaking out when there is a problem with the boat and you have to laugh.  She is not freaked out because she read it in the script.

Sidebar:  Why does Bethenny take a Skinny Girl gift bag to every person she meets with?  Why does she feel the need to compare herself to celebrities who are actually talented?  Why does she refer to the new apartment as her apartment?  Does she know she is married?

Jason and Bethenny are meeting with the contractor/designer/architect about their new apartment and I am bored.  It’s such a transparent space filler that it’s lame.  Why would they set up her office in their new home is beyond me since Jason complains all the time the office staff is there.

Does Bethenny need to take a security guard to her massage appointment?  I guess she needs him for the same reasons she talks to him about sex in front of strangers, it’s in the script.  Bethenny has sold her soul to the devil and I cannot imagine all the money in the world is worth it.

Important to note, not all homeless people think they are cats, and therefore use the sand box in a public park as a toilet.  Bethenny is a pig. She is having a scripted drink break with Julie so they can reminisce about how far they have come, how life has changed, and how great Bethenny is.

Julie keeps saying it’s the truth when talking about how much Bethenny has become a family person and it’s insane.  Who writes this crap?  Jason’s parents are there, and I simply love those people.  It makes me so sad that she is such a complete and total bitch to them.  So sad.

Bethenny is at her fake therapy appointment and lets her fame whore doctor know Jason and Bryn are away visiting his parents. She talks about missing Bryn, then lies and says she also misses Jason.  Bethenny cares about her baby and herself, not her husband, and she can’t hide it.

The “Doctor” is telling her about a workshop at sea/lost at sea exercise for them to go on and I am laughing my ass off.  We all know she lied about the lost at sea story, I confirmed it myself with the boat captain and the Coast Guard, so whatever Bethenny.  You are full of crap.

Bethenny sees Jason in the morning and he asked her if she likes him on that day.  Bethenny says they don’t like each other, and I cannot imagine what they are doing.  They are mean to each other, obnoxious, rude, impatient, and purposely hurtful.  Both of them are.

I feel like I just sat through an hour of watching a marriage disintegrate, and it is upsetting.  I don’t think Bethenny has any idea what she is doing. She has broken this man and sadly he may in fact be the only man that will put up with her crap.  Although it appears perhaps he’s done.

I can’t tell if they are done and the show is scripting the end of her marriage, or if they are living happily ever after and this is the scripted darkness before the light. Either way it is an unfortunate documentation to leave for their child.  Neither Bethenny or Jason are keeping it real.

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March 5, 2012 | 10:18 am

Celebrity Apprentice - Week 3 Fizzles

Posted by Ilana Angel

Last week was explosive and exciting, but this week fizzled out.  Many people thought I was too harsh on Lisa Lampanelli last week and that’s cool. I wasn’t, but it’s cool.  My opinions on a few people changed this week, which is the best part of reality television.  You can go from being a huge fan to not so much in a week.  I love this show, think it’s a good cast, and after week three I am still firmly pulling for Teresa and Penn.

This week starts with Penn giving his winnings to his charity of choice, Opportunity Village.  He cried, I cried, and we are reminded why this show is so great.  I had never heard of this charity, but they now have a fan and supporter in me. The power of television is a great thing.  Gotti is out, and we are back on task with the celebs making two live window displays for Ivanka Trump’s clothing line.  Not too exciting.

The men pick George as project manager because he’s gay and apparently that makes him a genius when it comes to fashion.  Over with the women, Teresa wants to do it, but Diana steps in and says she wants to do it.  Big mouthed Aubrey says she thinks Diana should do it, and then the team goes with her. Teresa backed down and was classy so good on her.  I think it was a bitchy team move and think Aubrey is a tool.

Debbie Gibson annoys the hell out of me and while I get Clay is a sweet man, he seems a little bitchy to me.  He used the confessional camera as an opportunity to be a little mean, which is too bad.  I like him, and his fans have let me know he’s a doll, but still, he’s coming across as not so nice to me.  George is in over his head and it’s sweet.  He’s 400 years old, a little slower than the other men, and you know he’ll be fired.

Somebody needs to tell Arsenio that wearing a suit with a baseball hat looks ridiculous.  George is lovely, Adam is trying too hard to be funny, everyone is ignoring Lou, and Penn is my new favorite on the men’s team.  Dee heads out to get his finger checked and it turns out he needs surgery.  He goes under the knife and it’s brutal, but good for him.  The men seem to have a better idea than the girls, but it’s early.

Debbie wants to be one of the models and is told she it too old which was hilarious, and Lou is just not coming across well here.  He is sweet, and clearly being blown off by his team, but he’s the Hulk and acting more like a baby.  Lisa was a total bitch last week and has shut the hell up this week. She is playing it safe which is good because she turned off a lot of people last week, including myself.  Good for her.

Arsenio is taking over the dressing of the windows because he thinks his gay team members are missing the fashion gene.  Penn suggests they use twins so both their windows have the same models, sort of.  Eric Trump comes to see the men’s team and even though Clay has a smile on his face, he is mean about George.  If someone is killing you, just because they smile while they do it, does not make them a nice guy.  Clay is sweet but mean.

Sidebar:  I’m a little bored.  Last week was really exciting and this week is dragging by.  Nothing interesting is happening, the task is boring, and I find myself wanting to skip the task and go straight to the boardroom.  There are missing pictures for the women, and sign mounting issues for the men.  No matter how much dramatic music they give us, this is not dramatic. Important to note that Aubrey needs to put on a bra.

The task is over and George is stumbling though his presentation.  He is so damn cute but he’s getting fired and it’s sad because he is truly tied to his charity which is so important to him.  I can’t listen to him and am jumping to the women.  The women’s presentation is annoying so I am going to skip over that one too and go to boardroom.  In the boardroom it’s time for Diana to stumble on her words.  I’m about done.

Teresa looks beautiful, Debbi looks weird, Aubrey likes the sound of her own voice, and for some reason everyone thinks Lisa is one of the best human beings on the planet.  I don’t get these chicks. I don’t think any of them like each other for real and their fake love is a load of crap.  Dee is back, having had surgery and it’s cool.  It’s time to sell each other out and Clay says George was great, but Eric calls him out for laughing at George.

Clay back peddles and tries to make himself look like a nice guy, but there is a bitch factor to Clay that even the Trumps see.  Listening to George is painful.  He talks slowly and calmly and I love his voice, but the end is near, being dragged out, and once again I cannot help but describe this week as boring. Ivanka loved it all, blah, blah, blah, the women win, and we still have 30 minutes to watch, knowing George will get canned.

Seriously Trump?  Another 30 minutes of silliness just to get to George getting the boot?  If they are going to do a boring task, then make the show an hour.  There was nothing of interest here and I feel like I wasted my time.  I could have watched the first 10 minutes, and the last 10 minutes, and not missed anything.  Next week looks like it will be better so we’ll see.  I love you Trump, but let’s cut the crap and keep it real.

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