February 29, 2012 | 10:38 am

Celebrity Apprentice – Lisa Lampanelli is a Nightmare

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I love this show and I love this cast.  Last week Cheryl Tiegs got fired.  It was sad because she never should have been hired.  She was too nice to go up against these sharks and they ate her alive.  This week we learned that Victoria Gotti was not a tough as her name, and Lisa Lampanelli is a classless bitch.  There is a reason nobody knows who she is.

The week start with Gotti pissed off the women are acting like bitches and not uniting as a team.  She is pissed at everyone, especially Lampanelli, who threw her under the bus and was annoyed Gotti called her kids during their task.  Clearly Lampanelli has no kids and does not get it.  She is a filthy comic, not nice, and I’m over her.

The task is putting on a show at Medieval Times.  James Lipton is the guest judge.  He’s a hoot and it will be fun to watch him suck up to Trump.  That’s what he does, and he does it brilliantly.  The men chose Penn as their team leader and the women go with Lampanelli.  From the moment they announce team leaders you know the men will win.

The winning team gets $40K, and Adam Corolla is off this week because of a scheduling conflict.  Lisa is the boss and comes out of the gate as a bulldozer.  She is rude and has no people skills.  She decides the ladies will do a spoof of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Teresa Guidice is on the team and you know there is a table flip coming.

Sidebar:  These chicks are wearing their own clothes and I must say I don’t get what Aubrey or Debbie Gibson are wearing.  Aubrey looks like she got dressed in the dark and Gibson looks like she pulled an all nighter, as a hooker, and strolled in to do the task.  I suggest they each get a stylist to help them out.  Not cute.

The men are working as a team, all is well, and they have Peen who is tailor made for this task.  There is no tension, just a bunch of guys doing their jobs, and remembering to have fun.  The chicks are fighting and Lampanelli is losing her mind.  She is yelling at the women and it’s embarrassing.  Be embarrassing of course I mean hilarious.

The men are all trying to look smart so we respect them and think they are just regular folk, and Lisa is working hard to show us exactly why we don’t know who she is, and why we don’t need to bother searching for her on Google.  This chick is a train wreck and you realize quickly that her act is about people laughing at her, not with her.

James Lipton checks in on the men and reports back they are going with a comedy routine, and Donald trump Jr. checks on the women and reports that the housewife concept is brilliant. Lampanelli throws Gotti under the bus to Trump Jr. which is crappy, and Teresa is super cute and rolling with the punches on the Real Housewives theme.

Lou Ferrigno is sweet, but taking the jousting too seriously.  The men are getting annoyed a bit, but being nice and not getting into it.  Back with the women, Gotti does not want to do anything, which is lame, but Lampanelli is using every opportunity to talk badly about her.  Granted Gotti is useless, but no need to embarrass her.

Gotti is cranky and thinks she should go play with the men.  Whatever. Lampanelli is blowing smoke up her ass by telling her she is important as the stage manager, but the fact is Lampanelli cut her out of the task completely and she is rightfully pissed off.  Lampanelli wanted to be the boss and so she took out the competition.

Over with the men, George Takei is adorable and you can’t not like him, but apparently Clay Aiken did not get that memo.  Clay is a schmuck and even that can’t be hidden behind a sweet southern accent.  Dee Snider is in drag, which means all is right in the world, but he hurts his finger and they want him to go to the hospital.

Snider says he will fight through and go to the hospital after the show.  The men do their show and it’s cute.  They made people laugh, used everyone’s strength and the reason they are famous.  Over with the women, it gets off to a bad start and Lampanelli blames Gotti for the glitch, and takes credit for saving the world.

The highlight of the women’s show was Teresa.  She was fun, Gibson was sleazy, Gotti was invisible and Lampanelli was disgusting.  We’re off to the boardroom to learn who the audience voted the winner.  Lampanelli says she is confident they won, but the men also think they won.  Before we learn who won, we have to sit through some fighting.

Lampanelli and Gotti go at it.  Gotti is hurt, but keeping it in control, speaking calmly, and supporting her leader.  I would have lost it on the bitch, but Gotti was kind.  Cut to Lipton sucking up to the players and to Trump.  It was awesome.  Listening to his love fest was expected and divine.  I love James Lipton and he did a great job.

We learn that Snider fractured his finger and needs to have a pin put in. That he made it through the show with that kind of pain is crazy.  Good for him, but ouch.  Trump asks Penn who he’ll bring to the boardroom if they loose and Penn chooses Takei and Ferrigno.  Ferrigno loses it and gets pissed off.  He takes it personally and Penn feels bad.

Penn should have not bought into Trump’s trap and just been quiet.  Lou is still talking and complaining but he needs to shut up before we are over him.  Takei is lovely and says he respects Penn’s position.  In the end Lou is a baby and Takei is delicious.  Lou’s rant should have been saved for when he was fighting to stay, not on a hypothetical.

The boardroom is too long.  Trump is turning a scene that should take 10 minutes into 30, and we are reminded this show should be an hour not two.  With the women, Lampanelli tells Trump she is bringing Gotti into the boardroom and the fighting begins.  These women are embarrassing, don’t fight fair, take it all personally, and are lame.

In the end, after Lipton pulls out his iconic blue cards, we learn the men win.  I’m glad they won and it’s a shame Ferrigno got into it with Penn because if they did not, they would have won cleanly with no hurt feelings. Teresa is the star for the women and it’s going to get ugly because Lampanelli will sell her soul, is she has one, to stay.

The women are crazy.  Many of the ladies think Lisa should go home as the team leader, but they are not strong enough to speak forcefully.  Gotti cries and I am not sure if it’s because she is sad she is about to be fired, or if it’s because she has just realized she has no personality.  Either way, it’s worth crying about.  Lisa should go home.

Lisa is bitching, complaining about all of them, and I think she is a complete and total bitch.  She is vile, rude, inappropriate, abrasive, hurtful, stupid, ridiculous, and not a team player.  Lampanelli is going to be the undoing of this team in the long haul so they better figure it out and dump her ass before it’s too late.

Gotti is going home, but let’s talk about the fact that Lisa Lampanelli has been given an opportunity for millions of people to get to know her, and she is using the experience to show America she is a snake. She needs to get fired and go back under the rock where Trump found her. Was I too harsh on Lisa? No, just keeping it real.

February 28, 2012 | 10:24 am

The Bachelor - Our Torture Continues

Posted by Ilana Angel

This train wreck is almost over and I cannot wait.  Two more weeks until we can say goodbye to ugly haired Ben.  All the bachelors have been disappointments, but this guy’s complete and total grossness has been epic. I am certain the ladies who were not picked are watching at home and thanking God they got cut loose by this loser.

The first 15 minutes of the two hour train wreck was spent recapping his time with the three remaining girls.  We already watched all this crap so why make us do it again?  He has Nicki, who has no shot in hell, Lindzi who is insanely boring, and Courtney who he has already slept with.  It’s hard to watch because who cares?

Switzerland is gorgeous and completely wasted on this loser and these poor women.  By poor women of course I mean Lindzi and Nicki.  Courtney is a snake so she does not count.  Sidebar:  these dates having nothing to do with real life and when they use a helicopter ride as an analogy for their love affair, I want to throw things at my TV.

Nicki uses the overnight fantasy card with Ben and it’s sad because he knows he is not going to pick her, yet he lets her get naked and touch his junk anyway.  Ben is a pig.  She is falling all over him, professing her love and dreams, and he could care less.  He is looking at her like she is saying blah, blah, blah and wondering when they can make out.

Sidebar:  how is it possible that these women look surprised when he gives them the fantasy suite card?  They all watch the show, have told us they watch the show, yet they act like they don’t know what is happening.  Ben is flattered Nicki took the card which is lame.  He is flattered because he knows his hair stinks and can’t believe he gets lucky.

Lindzi pronounces her words in a weird way, and I cannot believe that she has gone through the entire season without brushing her hair.  They are doing some extreme sport date, again, and I could care less.  I’m skipping over it so I don’t have to hear about how repelling off a ledge is the perfect analogy for their relationship.  This show sucks!

Ben and Lindzi are at dinner and she is really very sweet so I hope he does not pick her.  She deserves better.  She’s a pretty girl and can get a speech therapist to learn how to speak properly, then meet a great guy.  She takes the fantasy suite card.  Ben and his dirty hair are two for two.  How can they stand to smell his hair, let alone touch it?

Courtney and her little girl voice makes me want to cut something.  Actually, it makes me want to sneak into their room and cut their hair.  Both of them. Courtney is trying to do damage control and backtrack all of her nastiness with the other women.  She cries and tells us she feels bad, but is clearly auditioning for a soap opera gig.  Good luck with that.

She is almost likeable but has been so horrible for so long, we can’t believe her.  Had she been a nice girl we’d be pulling for her but in the end she is a fame whore, and a regular whore, and we could care less.  As for her feeling bad about how she treated the other girls, not buying it.  She was forced to say that crap by the script supervisor.

Courtney is working it, takes the fantasy card, and will sleep with Ben again. He is clearly picking her and it’s creepy.  He tells her he is falling in love with her, and she is scrambling to fix it.  She takes blame, says it’s all her, and if he is believing her then his unwashed hair is rotting into his scalp and eating away at his common sense.  Ben is really dumb.

Sidebar:  We spend time with new bachelorette Emily and I cannot stand it. She is truly beautiful, but beyond boring.  There is no sex appeal or personality with this girl.  She does some lame scenes with Ali and Ashley, who were the two most annoying bachelorettes ever, so why are they there? I am skipping over this entire pile of crap.

Kacie B. is back to beg Ben to explain why he did not pick her and it’s humiliating. She is ridiculous and I feel bad for her. She is totally embarrassing herself and I am willing her to get the hell out of there and just move on. Her voice is delayed, they have no chemistry, he could care less, and I want to help her somehow.  A truly horrible moment.

Ben is talking to Chris and I am now half a bottle in.  Chris is useless on this show, Ben’s hair is mocking me, and his fake distress is lame.  This show is out of control and these two last weeks are going to be painful.  I am skipping over the Chris and Ben recap because it’s boring.  The first rose goes to Lindzi and the second to the skank.

Nicki is sent packing and tells Ben she wants the best for him, which in Bachelorese translates to “You are a douchebag and I can’t believe I wasted my time here.  Plus, you need to wash your hair pig.”  Next week is the Women Tell All special, then we will have a winner.  We’re almost there people!  Two more weeks of these people not keeping it real.

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February 28, 2012 | 9:23 am

Dancing With The Stars Presents: Who is that?

Posted by Ilana Angel

The best thing about the end of the Bachelor, besides the fact that it is finally over, is that it’s Dancing With The Stars season.  I dig this show and thought last years was excellent in terms of celebrity contestants.  The new cast was announced this morning, and it’s rather disappointing.  After I asked who a few times, I transitioned to who cares?

My personal favorites are Gladys Knight for the women and William Levy for the men.  I love Tom Bergeron and think Brooke Burke is a dingbat, so that is always fun to watch.  I keep waiting for the killer cast to come, and after last season thought they were on their way to greatness, but one again we will watch a only a couple of cool people.

It’s always fun to watch a bunch of people try to tango and rumba into another 15 minutes of fame.  Some will be great, some will be desperate, some will be embarrassing, and all will be blogged about.  This show is mindless fun and I’m looking forward to it.  Before they even take one step on the dance floor, I am on team Gladys Knight.

Presenting the newest cast members of ABC’s Who is that?

Jaleel White – He is Urkel and that’s all he is so this will be fun to watch.  I’m guessing it takes 3 weeks for them to put him in an Urkel outfit.

Gavin DeGraw – He’s a singer, but not really one that puts himself out there so people won’t really know about him, or care, so he’ll go quickly.

Jack Wagner – He’s been around forever and he will stay for as long as it takes for Heather Locklear to show up then we will send him home. She would have been the better contestant.

William Levy – This is the Cuban Brad Pitt, absolutely gorgeous, and better stay around at least until h takes his shirt off, at least a dozen times.

Donald Driver – He is a football player for the greatest team in America, the Green Bay Packers, so I hope he is good and sticks around.

Katherine Jenkins – She is an opera singer.  Okay.  See ya Katherine.

Sherri Shepherd – The View star has wanted to do this show for a long time and will have massive fan support, so we’ll be seeing her for a while whether she can dance or not.

Melissa Gilbert – For reasons I cannot explain, she bugs me.  I’m sure she is hoping to follow in the footsteps of Jennifer Grey.  She is nostalgic, but interesting.

Roshon Fegan – Obligatory Disney kid.  Who cares?

Maria Menounos – She may be the most annoying woman on television.  I will vote for Gilbert just so she does not make it through.

Martina Navratilova – Tennis superstar and icon.  From the dresses to the dancing, I’m guessing it will be rather humiliating.

Gladys Knight – Motown Goddess and legend.  I like this woman and hope she can cut a rug as well as she cuts a record.  Go Gladys!

I will be blogging about this show and I look forward to talking about the hits and misses.  There will be more misses than hits, but perhaps we’ll be surprised and there will be some greatness.  At the very least we can talk about how dumb Brooke is, how brilliant tom is, how desperate Melissa is, and how dancing for 15 minutes is keeping it real.

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February 27, 2012 | 9:27 pm

Bethenny Ever After – Glimpses of Goodness

Posted by Ilana Angel

Monday is a rough night of blogging.  Between Bachelor Ben in desperate need of some shampoo, and Bethenny losing her hair, Monday nights are painful.  Not painful enough that I am not going to blog about it, but rough enough that I have got wine standing by just incase.

We start this week with Bethenny having lunch with Hoda, who Bethenny tells us she has a lot in common with since they are in the same business. Really? Since when is Bethenny the host of a national morning show, or a newscaster?  Did I miss something?

We are five minutes in and Bethenny is talking about her vagina to a complete stranger.  It’s a shame because Hoda is likeable, but watching her in the gutter with Bethenny is not cute. They ruin a great conversation about finding love later in life, by being obnoxious for no reason.

The best thing about this show is the shots of New York City.  It really is a beautiful place and a fun city to raise a child for sure.  Terry is visiting from Florida and they are talking about sex. Again.  The camera adds 10 pounds but Bethenny still looks very thin, plus her hair is clearly falling out.

Jason gets home from work and they eat dinner while Bethenny’s staff is at work in another room.  He lets her know the girls must leave by 6, as the office must close.  He also tells us he went to Barcelona on vacation with the guys, and Bethenny lets him know he’s gay.

Does Bethenny think if we see her eating in every scene we’ll think her sickly frame is a figment of our imagination?  Additionally, how is it Bethenny went to Spain a couple of times if she had no money?  Hello Daddy.  That does not match up with any of the stories she’s been sharing.

Bethenny is planning a weekend away with the girls and she is going on and on about how she has never done this and she needs it.  She’s been married a year so why the need to tell us its never happened before?  A need for a girls weekend when you’ve been married a year is a little odd.

She meets her food blogger Nick for a falafel crawl and it’s just sad.  She is eating again, and is talking to him about sex, his genitals, and his need to get lucky.  Sidebar: Who drives around NYC in a convertible bug and why is the Skinnygirl logo not on the car anymore?  So unlike Bethenny.

Nick burps at the table and Bethenny sarcastically lets us know it was sexy, and I can’t help but wonder if burping at the table is as sexy as peeing in a bucket on your wedding day, or telling your husband he is gay?  Where does that fall on the list of things Bethenny thinks are sexy?

Bethenny is getting threaded and let me just say I am amazed.  I got one brow threaded and was crying uncontrollably.  It was so painful I couldn’t do the second eye.  Bethenny is not even flinching as she gets hers done and I am in awe.  Clearly she is not human.

She has Nick threaded and it’s sad.  That this super sweet young man is willing to be humiliated by this woman is weird.  It’s clearly not helping him get lucky, so why bother?  I feel bad for Nick, and sad for Bethenny.  She really has run this ship into the ground.  She is no longer entertaining.

Bethenny is off for the weekend and when they walk out of the building, Bryn waves to the cameras and while super cute, also super sad.  She knows the cameras enough to wave? Cookie is settled into the car with Bryn and it’s really cute.  Bethenny has a really beautiful family.

They are having a clambake at the beach and Bethenny has gathered a bunch of fake friends.  They are asking if Bryn is a good baby which would imply they know nothing about her.  My friends know about my son, yet these women seem to be meeting Bethenny for the first time.

They are her college friends, yet Bethenny does not know how her friends react to drinking? Did they not drink in college?  Perhaps they never met because Bethenny never went to college?  This fake scene is sad.  Bethenny has no friends and after 2 years to pull this crap is just silly.

Bethenny, the chef, does not know what corn is called which is interesting. Bryn speaks and it’s darling.  While Bethenny wants us to think it’s cute she is sitting with the kids while her friends are on the other side of the table, the truth is she would rather sit with kids over strangers.

Her girls weekend has her “friends” leaving after one night, and she is with two girlfriends, out for a drink, once again talking about vaginas.  Bethenny is talking to some little guy and it was old Bethenny. She was cute and charming and I actually liked her for a second.

The Benjamin Franklin/Bethenny Frankel scene was cute.  Bethenny was great and it was a glimpse of the girl we used to love.  The little man confuses her with Dannielle Staub, the bubble bursts, and we once again see bad Bethenny.  Fun while it lasted.

Bethenny has been talking for years about how she has no family, yet now she says she had a family with her step-father and she loved him.  Really? Bethenny needs to go back and watch her time on RHONYC and the first two seasons of her show because she is forgetting her lies.

She cries and tells us she wants her baby to be loving and not like her.  It’s really sweet and touching.  By sweet and touching of course I mean if it were not being said in the middle of a massive lie, it would have been lovely. Bethenny is trying to undo her stories but we’re too smart.

Back in the city, Bethenny is at a fake therapy appointment and talking about John her stepfather again, yet the doctor wants to talk about her love for her biological dad Bobby Frankel.  I’m not buying the therapy session, and think it is unethical to film it, even when the doctor is an actor.

Bethenny says she did not care about getting to know Bobby, she just wanted the lifestyle his money could buy.  I’m guessing these scenes were shot after the general shooting so it could be added to make Bethenny more appealing for her talk show, which is on again, off again.

They play the sappy music, Bethenny cries, and it is once again a view of old Bethenny. Then we see a clip of upcoming shows and one has to wonder if they are setting us up for the end of her marriage.  It looks a little too scripted.  The fighting, her wanting her real family, it all feels off.

I could be rong and simply seeing the show through eyes that are not fans of Bethenny, or perhaps, just maybe, Bravo thinks this is our first rodeo and we can’t see what they are doing.  In the end, it will all play out exactly the way Bethenny wants it too.  That’s how Bethenny rolls.

Seeing a likeable Bethenny was nice.  I truly used to think she was great television and great for women.  It’s nice to see the girl we liked, but also sad to see how much she has changed. It would be nice to think she was changing, but probably not since Bethenny can’t keep it real.

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February 22, 2012 | 10:28 am

The Bachelor – Hometown Dates Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are hitting the home stretch and as it is every season around this time, I am reaching my breaking point.  I love this show so much that I can’t stand that it’s almost over.  By love it of course I mean it is total crap and I am counting down the minutes until it is finally over.

We start with Lindzi at her parent’s horse farm in Florida.  Lindzi calls Ben her boyfriend and pronounces the word dad weird.  The good news is she appears to have finally brushed her hair.  The bad news is it did not help.  As for Ben, I don’t think he has washed his hair the entire season.

Lindzi tells Ben she almost got married and he seems so surprised.  Why? She dated a guy for a year and almost got married, he dated a girl for five minutes and asked her to marry him.  That is shocking.  Ben always feels so moved when the girls share as if it’s something special.  Ben is a putz.

Lindzi says she is feeling vulnerable and admits to Ben it is a big word for her.  Ben is so dumb he thinks she is talking about being vulnerable on an emotional level, but what she meant was she rarely uses such big words and vulnerable is literally, just a big word for her.

Lindzi is a beautiful girl and I like her parents.  It was sweet that Lindzi and Ben had their first date at SF City Hall, because that is where her parents got married.  They are all very comfortable together and it’s sweet, but Lindzi pronounces dad like Dawd and it sounds ridiculous.

Listening to Ben talk about his search for love makes my ears bleed.  I get a severe lower back pain and worry I might pass out.  That is how gross it is. Ben should never have been the bachelor and that I invested in this season is proof that it is not about being good, just addictive.

Up next is Kacie B. and they are in Tennessee.  This is a super sweet girl but boring as hell.  She loves him more than the others, which lets us know that she is as dumb as she is cute.  She is talking about how the visit will change her life, and so it safe to assume she is going home.

Kacie B is talking about her grandparents and Ben could care less.  He is not even pretending to be interested in her.  He’s checked out and it’s hilarious because he is talking about how great she is, but it‘s all crap.  She is fake laughing and he wants to get the hell out of there.

They get to her parents house and immediately sit for dinner, which was weird.  No hanging out to get to know each other.  Plus, they have set the table only on one side so they are sitting like it’s a scene from the last supper and you just know Kacie B is getting her heart broken.

Kacie B tells her sister she acts how people want her to act, so is what we saw a lie?  Kacie B is young, inexperienced, and you know when he let’s her go she will crumble and blame herself for not being good enough.  Poor girl.  This is not going to go well and she knows it.

Sidebar:  If Kacie B is the only Kacie left, why are we all still calling her Kacie B?  Her parents are very sweet, but just not into it.  Kacie’s dad gives Ben permission to let her go.  Her parents mean well, but they blew this for her.  It was never going to be her, but they killed it.

I feel bad for Kacie.  The hometown date is a disaster but you have to wonder if she loves Ben, or is just trying to escape what appears to be a very rigid life.  She’s trying to break free, and this would have been a great way to do it, but in the end Ben’s just not into her.

Our next trip is to Texas with Nicki.  I don’t get her, or him with her.  I am going to skip over this entire hometown because I’m not buying them together.  He keeps her because she puts no pressure on him so he can focus on banging Courtney and falling in love with Lindzi.

We now travel to Arizona to see skanky Courtney.  She is trying to sound innocent and kind.  She wants us to think she has been reflective and looking back at her experience, but I can think about is that she is pathological and just dirty.  Clearly her parents have no idea how slutty she is.

Courtney’s sister looks like Khloe Kardashian, and her mom and dad are super cute.  Courtney’s parents have the last supper table too and it’s lame looking. Her overbite is bothersome, her oily skin is bugging me, and her family is cute.  When they watch the season they must be mortified.

Important to note Courtney is really lovely with her parents and had she played this differently, we might have been on her side.  Instead she came is as a manipulative whore and we don’t like her.  In the end she made her bed, slept in it with Ben, and he is not going to pick her.

Skanky and dirty go out for a picnic and she tells him she is ready for love with him.  She sets up a fake wedding as a way to tell him she loves him. Could this check be any weirder?  I find this whole scene to be both disturbing and hilarious.  That he is not running away is fascinating.

They are writing fake vows and he is actually taking it seriously and telling us why he might love her.  Dear Lord.  This is an all time low for this show.  A clergyman of some kind comes out and tells them to recite their vows.  It is so lame that I am now screaming at my television.

He reads his vows and she’s blown away, asking him if he just wrote them right there.  Really?  No Courtney, you moron, he wrote them after your first date and has been carrying them around in his filthy hair should he ever be put in a position to have a fake wedding with you.

Courtney reads her vows and I am dying!  She is reciting a scene from Sex and the City!  The one in Paris when Carrie is breaking up with Petrovsky.  Dear Lord.  This chick is a freak. She tells him she loves him, he falls for it, and I am wasting good wine by projectile vomiting.

Important to note if Ben gives Courtney the final rose my head may explode.  The final two will be Lindzi and Courtney, and it could go either way.  America will hate him if he picks Courtney, but we hate him now so who cares.  This show makes me sick every single season.

First rose goes to Courtney, second one to Lindzi and the third to Nicki.  Poor little Kacie B is out and she is, as expected, crushed.  She handles herself like a lady, which makes it even more painful to watch. She then loses it and the depth of her pain is out in the open for all to see.

She stands there in shock looking at Ben for answers.  Nicki and Lindzi hug her, but Skanky does not.  They sit together for a minute while she cries, he tells her he’s sorry, and instead of him comforting Kacie, she is comforting him.  Ben is a schmuck and she is lucky he dumped her.

She is in the car and losing it.  She is bawling, wondering why she was not good enough, and what is wrong with her.  Poor girl.  There is nothing wrong with you Kacie.  Ben is a pig, and a whore.  You are a sweet girl.  You are young and will find love.  Stop crying.  It’s embarrassing.

Then sweet Kacie drops F bombs as she wonders what happened.  I know she’s sad but I am loving her reaction.  Back in the house Ben tells the girls they are headed to Switzerland.  Next week looks like it has typical fake twists and turns as we get down to the final two.

Every season I watch this show with the hope it will work, and love will be found.  In the end it never happens and I find myself screaming at the television and drinking a lot of wine.  That is the life of a Bachelor blogger. Trying to not become an alcoholic, while keeping it real.

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February 20, 2012 | 10:56 pm

Bethenny is Back and Nothing has Changed

Posted by Ilana Angel

Before we get started, let me say Bethenny announcing she had a miscarriage on the day her show premieres is odd.  This woman pees in a bucket on camera and lets the world know when she has sex, but is not going to announce this while on the way to the hospital?

One other thing is that if you are taking antibiotics, take them with water.  Chances of a pill burning a hole in your esophagus are the same as burning a hole from excessive vomiting.  That can also be learned on the Internet, which is how Bethenny self-diagnosed herself.

The new season of Bethenny Ever After begins with the announcement that she has sold Skinny Girl.  It’s sucks that reality television is so far behind reality.  Hard to watch when you know how it is going to end. Bethenny is back, not looking healthy, and not looking happy.

Bethenny tells us she needs to go to celebrity school to learn how to follow the rules.  Rule number 1: don’t have your husband follow you around like a lost puppy.  Rule number 2: don’t build your empire on the bodies of people you have stepped on to get to the top.

At her sangria launch she is hanging out with Hoda and taking full responsibility for Hoda’s love life.  She runs into Shawn the event planner, who gives a better kiss to Jason than Bethenny.  We also learn that Bethenny is going to discover “paying it forward”.

Nick is at the party and I love him.  He is a terrific kid and Bethenny tries to be funny with him, but it’s not funny.  Cut the kids some slack and try to respect how respectful he is of you.  Bethenny tells us she was never interested in being in the gossip rags.  Vomit #1 for me.

Bethenny and Jason have bought a new apartment.  To hear Bethenny tell it, it’s her apartment and he will just live there with her and her baby. Think what you want about Bethenny, she makes really beautiful babies. Bryn Hoppy is a gorgeous and super sweet baby.  Nice to see Cookie too.

Bethenny brings up the lawsuits against her and bravo to her for putting it all out there.  The thing is, she is selective about what she talks about.  She can say she is being sued and it’s stressful, yet lies about being lost at sea. I imagine with so many lies she is simply confused sometimes.

Bethenny has a million people working in her apartment.  This chick needs to get an office.  If she has so much money why not get a temporary space so people can work without sitting on each other?  Why?  Because this way looks better for the fake and made up situations of her show.

There is a bunch of chit chat with her minions and I’m not listening because I need to find something to tie my hair back because I know a hurl is coming at any moment.  Important to note that I don’t care what your body looks like, short shorts and heals is not cute after 40.

Bethenny is at a photo shoot whining about how she has changed, but it’s never enough.  She is complaining about Jason and I don’t get it. She is bitching about not wanting to see her in-laws and we learn she and Jason are fighting a lot.  I actually feel bad for her.

By feel bad for her of course I mean that karma is knocking on her door and she is clearly not prepared.  I think she thought she could hold karma off for a while longer.  The weight of her decisions is starting to get heavy and her childlike body cannot handle the pressure.

Jason is sweet with the baby.  Bethenny tells us she cleans all the time and having sex is not interesting when your kid is taking a crap on the floor.  That’s a nice mention of her daughter.  Bethenny used to be edgy and funny, but now she goes for shock not laughs.

She let’s us know they are not having sex and there are cobwebs on her husbands junk.  How this man puts up with her is beyond me.  I would be mortified if this is the picture that was painted of my life at home.  Money is sexy but is public humiliation worth it?  I vote no.

Bethenny meets a friend for lunch and let’s us know she spends her weekends with Bryn and not Jason.  Exactly what kind of marriage do they have?  Bethenny is a namedropper and truly believes she is on par with a real celebrity so good for her.  Delusion can be lots of fun.

We have now gone from talking about Jason’s junk to her vagina.  Honestly, what is she thinking?  This is what she wants her child to look back on and see?  Bethenny is all about Bethenny.  She is talking a lot about how much she enjoys being alone and loves it when Jason has plans.

We learn that Jason goes to church every week, and he goes alone.  I think it’s sad that she does not share in his faith.  It’s fake therapy time and I am on vomit #3.  This doctor is a quack, and you can actually see her lying, her liking the lie, and running with the story.  Fascinating.

We learn that Bethenny forced Jason into a pre-nup of some kind that he is now not happy with it.  She talks openly about how he does not trust her, and she needs to assure him she will not screw him over.  She screws everyone else over so why would she not screw over Jason?

Bethenny is out with Lisa Lampanelli and their conversation is vulgar, not funny, hurtful to Jason, and I’m skipping over it.  By skipping over it of course I mean pouring myself a drink. These chicks are offensive and Bethenny appears to be losing her hair.

Jason calls to say he has the keys to the apartment, but when Bethenny goes to meet him she is in a different outfit, so it was on another day, which is lame.  I’d be curious to know if they both own the apartment, or just Bethenny.  LOL.  Like we don’t know the answer to that question.

It’s a beautiful apartment but it feels like Jason is the broker showing it to her, not the owner.  I think it’s sad that she wants her office in the house. Poor Jason is an afterthought.  She has managed to turn his family into a business and that is a shame for him and for their baby.

I hear that Bethenny has said this will be the last year of her reality show. By the looks of the coming attractions, it could be the last year of her marriage too.  Bethenny is an interesting egg.  She has clearly struggled, and I’m not taking anything away from her, but she is hard to watch.

She lies about everything, gets caught in her lies, then slaps gag orders on those who reveal her lies.  That’s got to be an exhausting way to live your life.  At the end of the day if Bethenny is great at anything, her gift in life is being able to live it without keeping it real.

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February 20, 2012 | 7:42 pm

Celebrity Apprentice is Entertainment Gold

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been waiting for this show for months.  I love it and this is the first season that they truly have brought in the celebrities.  Granted some are D-Listers, but they are all interesting, actually known, and bring their attitudes along with egos the size of Manhattan.  It’s going to be great!

I love Donald Trump on this show.  I would rather stick my hand down my own throat and remove my own kidney than have him as my President, but when it come to Apprentice, this man is brilliant.  He shines here.  From the hair, to the inflated sense of self, this man rocks it all.

The players:

Clay Aiken – American Idol runner up, never going to win
Michael Andretti – Racecar legend, never going to win
Adam Carolla – Radio host, never going to win
Tia Carrere – Has been, never going to win
Lou Ferrigno – the original Incredible Hulk, he’s got a shot
Debbie Gibson – Has been, total bitch, never going to win
Teresa Giudice – Real Housewife, she’s got a shot
Victoria Gotti – Mafia Princess, never going to win
Arsenio Hall – Talk show legend, never going to win
Penn Jillette – Vegas showman, he’s got a shot
Lisa Lampanelli – Comedienne, never going to win
Dayana Mendoza – Beauty Queen, never going to win
Aubrey O’Day – Fame whore, never going to win
Dee Snider – Twisted Sister front man, he’s got a shot
George Takei – Star Trek legend, never going to win
Paul Teutul, Sr. – American Chopper dad, never going to win
Patricia Velásquez – No clue who she is, never going to win
Cheryl Tiegs – Supermodel, never going to win

I love this group and before the show even stared I had my favorites.  I am pulling for Teresa Guidice, Lou Ferrigno, George Takei and Adam Carolla. Before we get started, let me just say I think Aubrey O’Day is a moron and it will be near impossible to be kind when it comes to her.

It’s men against women.  The men’s team is called “Unanimous”, and women’s team is called “Forte”.  Sidebar:  Victoria Gotti’s hair weighs more than she does, Paul Teutel appears to be void of any personality, and George Takai is going to be eaten alive by the sharks grasping at fame.

The first task is to sell sandwiches.  The team who raises the most money, tips included, wins the task.  Paul Sr. is the project manager for the men and Patricia is the leader for the women. Paul Sr. throws out that he will bring in 500K and says he will do it himself if he has to.  Red flag.

The men are cohesive right out of the gate, although it seems to me that Paul Sr. might be a little homophobic.  The women are gunning for each other from the start.  Aubrey is too dumb for words and Debbie Gibson is just mean.  We are 30 minutes in and I am hooked.

Michael Andretti comes in to replace his son Marco who backed out after the loss of racecar driver Dan Wheland in Las Vegas.  It’s nice that he came to fill in and lovely when Dee Snider asks about Marco before discussing the task.  I like Dee, and I love his wife, so I hope he does well.

Debbie Gibson is bashing everyone and Aubrey thinks she is the greatest thing ever.  These two broads know they don’t have a shot in hell of winning so they are trying to be controversial so they get press time. Not working.  We just think your lame and ready for the boot.

Watching Cheryl try to separate slices of cheese was a little sad and poor George is super sweet and being disrespected, which is also sad. Victoria bails on the group ride over and I’m not digging her.  She buys into her own hype too much and thinks she has the power of her dad.

Victoria thinks she tore her cornea or her retina.  Translation:  her mascara took a little longer than she anticipated.  Lou Ferrigno tales off his shirt and let me just say, yummy, yummy ding dong.  Penn is working his magic on the street and drumming up business.  I like him a lot.

For the women, Teresa is working the crowd, while Aubrey wants us to believe she is charming. Translation:  She is a moron. Sandwiches are selling and while Wycelf came to support the women, the vibe at the men’s shop is much more fun.  Did I mention Aubrey is an idiot?

Clay is hustling and it’s cute.  Over with the women, they are also bringing in money.  Andy Cohen from Bravo comes by, but Patricia is the one bringing in the most celebs and the most money.  Russell Simmons wants a vegan sandwich for Cheryl and Victoria whip up one.

Trump calls and tells each team to take a sandwich to the Rachael Ray show and she is going to pick her favorite sandwich, and that team will win money.  Rachael Ray is not an opinion I would care about but whatever.  She tries them both and a winner will be announced at the end.

The men have slacked on their fundraising because they are all saving their donors for when they are project manager.  They are trusting that Paul Sr. will do what he said which is lame, but I would have done the same.  Patricia is invested which means we know she will lose.

The task is over and we are in the boardroom. Patricia says Tia did great, but Tia says she can be brought into the boardroom if they lose.  Man she is dumb.  Patricia says the two weakest players are Victoria and Cheryl.  Cheryl is getting beat down and Victoria is not standing for it.

Paul Sr. says the men were great and the stand out player was Penn, then he is mean to George.  It was sad because George worked hard and I think it was a homophobic thing.  He clearly has no clue who Clay Aiken is, or that he is gay.  He also throws Arsenio under the bus.

The biker dude is over the black guy and gay man. It is official, I love George and am now hoping he kicks ass and lasts longer than Paul Sr.  Paul Sr. calls him meek and for a minute I think George might cry.  Adam points out Paul is bagging on the minorities, which is hilarious.

Rachael Ray picks the men as having the best sandwich and they win a bonus $35K.  Trump then talks to Lou and let’s be very clear, this man is delicious. I adore him and am so glad he is on this show.  I loved watching him when I was a kid and I hope this is a great comeback for him.

The women raise a total of $127K and the men bring in a total of $332K. Now it gets a little weird.  With the bonus money they raised $367K.  Paul Sr. says he raised $305K from one gift, so if you take off the bonus, they brought in $27K in sales.  Who gives a donation of $305K?

I think the donation came from Paul Sr. himself and so technically while not cheating, is a little unethical.  I feel bad for Patricia because she really kicked ass and earned the win.  To see her lose the money she raised is heartbreaking.  Celebrity Apprentice is a bunch of sharks.

Paul wins almost $500K for Make a Wish which is great, but still sad for Patricia.  Sidebar:  exactly how much make up is Aubrey wearing?  Debbie Gibson looks great and clearly takes care of herself, but she’s obviously had some filler.  A couple of hundred times.

Cheryl is getting eaten alive.  She is quiet, not aggressive, and you know it’s going to be over for her. They are also after Victoria so there are a lot of mafia jokes, which is dumb.  Aubrey tries to throw in the Diddy card and in the end looks like an idiot.  I can’t wait for her to get fired.

The boardroom was catty, which is expected, but it got personal which was surprising for day one.  I get that everyone is trying to save themselves, but it was just mean.  That’s how chicks roll no matter how old they are I guess. We are stuck in high school for our entire lives.

Cheryl is sweet and I feel for her, but they are trashing her and she agrees she is not cut out for this kind of thing.  Trump is really lovely to her, and in the end fires her.  God bless Cheryl for coming out, but as expected, she’s fired.  She came, she tried, she failed.

This show is so good!  I have loved the past seasons, but this year I am interested in almost all of the players which makes it more fun.  I have my favorites, the ones I’m gunning for, and the ones I know will surprise me. Celebrity Apprentice is back, brilliant, and keeping it real.

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February 20, 2012 | 9:19 am

Mob Wives – Mothers & Muthas

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and look forward to it every Sunday night.  For a reality television blogger Sunday nights are rough because there are so many shows on, but I watch this for me.  I am a fan and writing about it is a pleasure. These women are fascinating and the more we get to know them, the stronger my opinions are.  I am on team Drita.

We start with Drita is who learning to box.  She is trying to get out her aggression so she will stop fighting with people, but also to toughen her up when she has to deal with douche bags.  Drita is hilarious and her vocabulary is very entertaining. She is all the things Karen wishes she were. Under her tough bravado, Drita is a sweet girl.

Karen is out with Ramona and is hearing about Ramona’s visit with Carla. Ramona wishes she was hardcore like Drita, but she’s not.  She likes the sound of her own voice and goes on and on just so she can hear it.  Karen is stumbling through English, trying to sound smart, but it’s not happening. Karen then tells us she respects people who are loyal.

Really?  Does she respect her dad?  The only reason she is on this show, or has any level of success in television, is because her dad was not loyal.  I think it’s hilarious that she has the balls to say she respects loyalty when the lack of loyalty in her own family is what is paying her bills.  I don’t get Karen and she is the weakest link on this show.

Carla is out with Drita and is going to tell her she saw Ramona.  It’s crappy that she did not tell her ahead of time.  Carla is not loyal to Drita and I don’t think she can be trusted.  Carla has balls to say she is best friends with Drita, when she did not have Drita’s back in the meeting.  I feel oddly protective of Drita and hope she sees Carla is shady.

We are now with Big Ang and we meet her new baby “Little Louie”.  I freaking love this woman and I love her dog.  From her voice to her attitude, I am seriously enamored with this woman.  The guy she was dating was supposed to buy her a dog but when he turned out to be a douche bag she bought one herself.  I want Ang to be my neighbor.

Karen is meeting with a media coach because she needs help with the media tour of her book.  She lets us know she is an “escape goat”, and also not an aggressive person.  Is Karen high?  She is uneducated, unable to speak English properly, painfully aggressive, and making money off the pain and suffering her father caused.  I don’t get this chick.

She tells us this is what she believes in and what she stands for, but what does that mean?  She believes in cashing in on the history of her dad?  She believes in abandoning her child for 15 minutes of fame?  She believes in pretending she is a hardass when really she is just a housewife from Arizona?  I won’t be reading Karen’s book.

Renee and Junior are going to couples therapy and we get to watch.  I’m not a fan of therapy on reality television as I think it’s unethical. That said, this is a super cute therapist and I totally dig him.  Junior is saying he was unprepared for marriage and unfaithful, and Renee is all over it.  She is crying and sabotaging the therapy.

I feel bad for Renee whio is teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Renee has issues because she loved Junior completely and she cannot handle that he did not love her back the same way.  It’s heartbreaking to watch.  I’m sure Junior loved her, as best he could, but he is what he is and she should have never taken him back.

We know Junior is bad for Renee and has hurt her family, but she needs to find a place in her heart and mind to believe that he loved her once.  She has her beautiful son AJ, and she is going to be fine.  He hurt her and she does not need to make excuses or defend herself.  She is not to blame for any of the crap Junior did.  Junior is a douche bag.

Drita and Big Ang are at the dog park with Louie.  Big Ang is talking about being lonely and wanting to be with someone, and Drita has been alone for so long she ‘s not into having a man anymore.  She still loves Lee so she will work through it all.  Drita tells Ang about Carla meeting with Ramona and I am again annoyed that Carla showed no loyalty to Drita.

I love Ang and think her advice to Drita, and all the ladies actually, is spot on.  Big Ang is funny and sweet and looks out for her friends.  She is the Godmother of this group and she needs to be around more.  Big Ang is good people and good television.  Over with Renee, she is on the phone with Junior and begging him to forgive her.

Watching Renee and Junior is sad.  She undervalues herself, asking him to take her back, and she is saying sorry, when she does not need to.  It’s troubling because we’ve all done it.  I have had the same conversation with a man who I knew was bad for me, but I loved him and could not bear to lose him.  I think we are all praying for Renee to get strong.

Ramona goes to court to support her boyfriend who has been arrested. Renee goes to support Ramona and hearing them talk about this lifestyle is interesting.  It’s a little sad because they did not choose this life as much as it chose them.  The mob is real, these women are real, and this show puts the reality into reality television.  I love this show.

Drita is talking to her daughter, who asks her mom if she has ever been in a fight.  Drita is fantastic.  She is not sure hat to tell her daughter so she tries to evade the question when the phone rings and its Lee.  Watching Drita cry when she talks to Lee is heartbreaking.  She wants a divorce but she loves him, but you see her torment.

Lee is telling her they should be friends so it does not get ugly and I can’t tell if it was threatening, or just his trying to be nice.  I don’t get how you stay in love with someone who goes away to prison for years on end, but love has no explanation and it’s not for us to understand.  I hope Drita finds peace, finds love, and is happy.

Ramona is out with her four kids, and tells them her boyfriend has gone to jail.  Really?  Did she not tell us the relationship was new with this guy?  Why drag her kids into it.  Why put these kids on the show at all?  There is a difference between being a mother and being a mutha and this just does not seem motherly to me. I feel bad for the kids.

They are beautiful and innocent and should have been protected a little more from the effects of this show, and her choices.  Over with Karen, she is talking to the father of her child and he is mad at her for leaving Arizona.  It sounds scripted which is a drag because he is as bad as of actor as Karen is.  She goes off on him and it’s silly.

She stutters, stumbles on her words, and clearly does not remember the things she wrote down for herself to say.  At the end of the day Karen left her daughter to pursue her own life and it’s sad. There is no way that little girl does not feel abandoned.  We all make choices as women and hers have made her a mutha not a mother.

Karen is at a photo shoot for a mob magazine that is doing an interview with her.  She is being asked questions, not answering any of them, and again trying to liken herself to her dad.  Really Karen?  You are not your dad, you are simply riding on his coattails to make a little money.  We don’t blame you, go what you need to do, just stop being lame.

Drita is with Carla and Renee, telling them that Lee called to say sorry.  Drita lets us know all men are pigs, but criminals are on a whole other level.  They are all struggling with their husbands and it’s sad.  Criminal or not, mob or not, when a man breaks your heart it hurts the same.  Renee is once again slipping to the edge and it’s very sad.

It’s a drag that this show was shot so long ago because we know what is happening now and waiting for the show to catch up.  To hear Renee say she is not going to get her happily ever after, now that we know what he did to her and her family, makes her words prophetic and powerful. Seeing this all unfold is a little uncomfortable.

I watched the after show and it was lame.  The host was an idiot, her necklace was weird, and the relationship expert they brought out to talk to Renee and Carla was a moron.  I will be watching next week, but will pass on the after show.  These women are entertaining and intimidating, always riveting, and truly keeping it real.

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