November 14, 2011 | 10:02 am

The Real Housewives of Atlanta RECAP

Posted by Ilana Angel

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This week starts out with NeNe, Kandi and Cynthia going to Miami for a little get away.  I’m not sure why Kandi would be invited by Nene, and by not sure of course I mean Bravo made her take Kandi.  I really like NeNe and these heffers better back off of her.  Jealously is not cute ladies.

The girls are in the hotel for five minutes and the talk turns to sex.  Kandi is pretty with long hair, and NeNe is on a mission to find a man for Kandi. Back in Atlanta, Kim is very pregnant and for reasons I will never understand, Bravo has decided we need to hear her pee.

She pees a lot, which is funny, but can’t they shut off the mic while she is doing her business?  It’s gross and ridiculous.  Kim’s birthday is coming up and she is going to be 33.  Yup 33.  Seriously, there is just no way this chick is 33 years old.  I’m simply not buying it.  No way.

Phaedra has decided to go into the funeral business.  She goes to talk to Willie, the king of funerals in Atlanta, to see how she should proceed.  She is such a pretty girl, but her make-up is insane. She is the most entertaining of the women and I could listen to her ramblings all day.

Willie is adorable and she wants him to mentor her, which is hilarious since he clearly thinks she is off her rocker.  Willie is formal and loving, while Phaedra is counting the money.  It will be interesting to see what happens with this.  Southern weddings are a trip.

Back in Miami the girls are eating and talking about how rich NeNe is.  Poor Nene.  It’s a shame that she feels the need to defend herself to these women.  I don’t care about how much money NeNe has, but bless her.  She can count it on camera for all I care.  Nene is fabulous.

Kandi is two faced when it comes to NeNe and she is waiting for something to snap.  Not cool.  Turns out its lesbian pride weekend in Miami and the ladies weekend has taken on a whole new meaning.  NeNe lets us know she is strickly dickly, and does not understand lesbians.

Sheree is shopping with her son Kairo.  She is talking about how shy and reserved he is, yet she has him on the show, and he is clearly not thrilled.  He is a very sweet boy and I felt for him that his shopping was put on camera.  Sheree seems to know nothing about him.  It’s weird.

She then says she is talking to her ex about him spending more time with his dad and it’s so very sad.  Why put her child on television and talk about how his dad does not spend time with him?  It was a selfish move and I lost any respect I had for Sheree.  Not big deal, it was not a lot.

Nene is looking at a house in Miami because she might move there.  Really? Not a chance.  It is a fabulous house, but she is not buying a 9 million dollar home in Miami when she could have an estate in Atlanta.  Not happening, waste of time, lame Bravo time filler. Cynthia is sweet.

The girls are on the beach in their bathing suits and I think Kandi looks great, even though NeNe makes fun of her size.  Nene looks great too, but next to Cynthia, she should not be commenting on other people’s bodies.  The girls are once again talking about sex.  It’s an odd discussion.

We find out things I’m not sure I need to know about these women. They meet a couple of guys and Nene is a little flirty which is cute.  She is separated and not sure what is going on with Greg, so it’s sad.  I like NeNe and she would be my choice of Atlanta housewives to have lunch with.

Sheree and Kim are having dinner and all they have to talk about is Nene. It’s odd that these heffers have nothing better to talk about than crap about Nene.  There is a lot of jealousy and not a lot of genuine friendships happening with these women, only Bravo made friendships.

Kim wants us to think her and Kroy took things slow, which is insane.  Phaedra wants Apollo to come into the funeral business with her, and he wants no part of it.  Her baby is a beautiful little boy.  It’s interesting that she has absolutely no idea what her husband does for work.

Kroy is taking Kim out for her birthday dinner.  She says Kroy knows everything, and she is book smart, but they seem to know nothing about each other, which makes sense since they don’t really know each other.  He is a sweet boy and that he is now connected to her forever is sad.

Kroy gives her a $22000 bracelet for a gift and it’s sweet, but her reaction was small.  She said she was excited, but it looked like she could have cared less.  Back at their house is a little surprise party planned with just a handful of people.  It’s sweet. I find Kim oddly appealing.

Kandi is gossiping about NeNe again.  She says that the ladies all talk about each other but she wants to stay out of it, yet she was the one who started the crap talking about Nene.  Kandi wants to appear to be the nice one, but at the end of the day, she is just like the rest of them.

Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree are hanging with Kroy while Kim gets a massage. Kroy is such a sweet man, or rather boy.  He is so young and charming that I am happy for Kim that she found him, but worried for him that he won’t be rich enough for her in the end.  Fingers crossed.

Next week looks fabulous and I can’t wait.  This week was okay, but not great. NeNe was on WWHL with Andy and she was great.  I like Nene and think the others are jealous of her.  She was classic NeNe, voted favorite ATL housewife, and as always, was keeping it real.

November 8, 2011 | 10:43 pm

Top 10 Reasons Patti Stanger & Millionaire Matchmaker Should Get Canned

Posted by Ilana Angel

10)  She has a show about matchmaking, but we have never seen her make a match.

9)  She has a drag queen impersonator that is prettier and more feminine than she is.

8)  She has a staff that should be working at LA Ink.

7)  She is rude, obnoxious and abrasive.

6)  She has to pay clients to be on her show.

5)  She makes us want to put crushed glass in our eyes.

4)  She is offensive to men, women, gays, Jews, and most living things.

3)  She is not funny and is recycling jokes from season one.

2)  She isn’t getting the numbers she got before we knew she was a skank.

And the number one reason Patti Stanger and Millionaire Matchmaker should be cancelled is:

We don’t like her or her stupid show, and we are not watching.

I hate to be harsh, but it’s the truth, and needed to be said.  By “hate to be harsh”, of course I mean this was my toned down version of what I really wanted to say.  It’s hard to not be vicious when you’ve had 2 glasses of wine, which by the way is not enough to make it through an episode of this crap fest.  That my friends, is keeping it real.

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November 7, 2011 | 10:36 pm

Real Housewives of BH: Is that Beverly Hills or Botox Heaven?

Posted by Ilana Angel

These chicks seriously make me sick.  I used to dig them because it’s where I live, so seeing the hood is cool, plus their wealth is fascinating.  They are now just a bunch of fame whores, who have no real loyalty to each other, and nothing to do with their time.  They suck the joy out of the real housewife franchise.  The bores of DC where better than this group.

We start with Paul offering free services to the ladies.  Translation:  he is a fame and money whore who is doing this so all the wannabes will now call his office and get the work done. Taylor is getting filler, and Lisa is there to tell her to eat something.  Taylor lets us know her face is genetically thin. Great.  What about the rest of your anorexic body sweetie?

Kim is on her way and calls Paul to say she is coming.  She is a mess.  The thing is, she is also quite entertaining and the higher she is, the more fun she becomes.  It’s sad because you want to tell her to get help, but at the same time you want to pour her a drink so she will be fun.  It’s a sad and vicious cycle.  Taylor’s face makes me cringe.  Eat Skeletor.

Camille skips the party because she is home with her kids, having just heard Kelsey has sued her for custody of their kids.  He’s a loser and she can take comfort in knowing that he will rot in hell.  Lisa and Kyle call her to check in which is lame and an on camera crap fest.  Meanwhile Russell is emailing Lisa letting her know his marriage with Taylor is going great.

Kim finally arrives and let’s Kyle know she is not coming to the séance because it’s against her religion.  Kyle thinks she’s nuts, but it’s true. Séances are indeed not permitted in the Church of Crack.  Kim needs an intervention.  Sidebar:  Any mention of Russell Armstrong on this show is sickening and Bravo should be ashamed of themselves.  It’s disgusting.

I cannot let another episode pass without commenting on Adrienne’s hair and clothes.  Is this an episode of Dallas, circa 1980?  Her hair is in desperate need of a good cut and color, and her clothes are silly. The belted blue shirt with shoulder pads was ugly.  With her money and time, there is no excuse for her to look how she does.  None. Get a stylist, or fire the one your have.

Kim, who made endless fun of Taylor for doing her lips, gets her lips done. Kyle leaves in a huff.  I used to think Kyle was fun, but now I think is a complete and total bitch.  She is not funny, not a good friend, and if she mentions Paris one more time I will scream.  She went from my favorite to who cares about you?  Camille is my new favorite BH housewife.

Kyle calls Brandi to invite her to the séance.  Such a load of crap.  She does not want her there and it’s a simple case of Bravo scripting.  Why Kyle would choose to include her young daughter is beyond me.  Instead of whoring out her kids, maybe she should spend her time explaining to her good friend Taylor that she is too old to not be wearing a bra.  Strap them in already.

Taylor goes to Kyle to ask for help when it comes to Lisa, who is spreading rumors about her.  Kyle, Lisa’s great friend, suggests that maybe Lisa preys on the weak.  Dear Lord, with friends like Kyle, who needs enemies?  The séance is on and all the fake kissing and hugging is hilarious.  Between Camille and Faye, Kyle and Brandi, I am laughing.  Thank God for wine.

As for the medium who is doing the reading, really?  As an avid watcher of this show, and a person with access to Google, I could do as good of, if not better, job.  It’s so lame.  I’m more interested in the earthquake in Oklahoma City than I am in this fake reading.  If you mute the TV and speak for them it’s fantastic.  My version of this séance is freaking hilarious!

Kyle heads over to Kim’s and it’s gross.  Why is it that Kim cannot do anything in her life without telling Kyle?  Kyle is offended that Kim does not tell her stuff.  Really?  Reality check Kyle.  She does not tell you because you are a total bitch.  If I were Kim’ s friend, my advice to her would be for her to tell Kyle nothing.  You are a conniving backstabber Kyle.

I like it that Kim is strong enough to stand up to Kyle and tell her she is doing this for herself and nobody else.  That said, if I always did things for other people and was finally going to do
something for myself, moving in with Ken is not the way I would go.  Maybe get a new car, or a get new drug dealer, but not this.  That said, I wish Kim well and hope he is nice.

Next week is going to piss me off.  I am seriously offended by any and all reference to Russell, and next week will be upsetting.  Bad enough his children have this show as a legacy of their dad, but to drag all this garbage up is just mean and selfish.  Next week will be rough and I can tell you right now to buckle up because on behalf of Russell, I will be keeping it real.

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November 7, 2011 | 10:35 am

The Real Housewives of Atlanta:  Watch Out Heffer!

Posted by Ilana Angel

The ladies of Atlanta are back and if you base the upcoming 4th season on the premiere episode, it’s going to be good!  Before I started watching I checked out the word “heffer” in the Urban Dictionary. It is listed as meaning: a fat bitch, or conceited girl with a bad attitude.  I think it sounds funny when used in real life, and nobody can pull it off like these girls.

The show starts with a very pregnant Kim and her fiancé Kroy, getting ready to move in together and have their baby.  Kim is sitting on her ass with Sweetie while Kroy works.  They a cute couple and I’m happy for them, but her talking about his ass for so long felt weird.  He’s only 25 and if I were his mom, listening to this wig rat talk about his bum, I’m be grossed out.

NeNe is getting a car for her son Bryson, who is a little too ungrateful for me. He does not seem to appreciate his mother, and it makes me sad because she is trying.  We all want the best for our kids and I really hope he does not disappoint her.  Again.  Important to note that Bryson’s earring is totally ridiculous and I want to pull it out.  I like Nene.  Always have.

Sheree is up next and it must be said that this woman’s body is insane. She works out and you can tell.  Her body is tight and she looks great. There is something different though and I’m not sure what it is.  Did she have work done on her face?  She is beautiful, but something new is going on. She is meeting with Lawrence, my favorite Atlanta sidekick.

Sheree is pissed because NeNe, the heffer, tried to take money from one of her deals.  They are going to make plans to meet to talk it over.  By talk of course she means sream.  I missed these chicks.  Over to Cynthia, she is starting her own modeling agency and has invited Ms. Jay to come and help her.  Ms. Jay is divine and he should have his own show, not helping here.

Cynthia seems like a very nice woman, but she is just not that interesting. We are now with Phaedra.  Her baby is beautiful and she is still with Apollo. Her great aunt has passed away and she is thinking she wants to get into the funeral business.  I love her voice, her accent, her vocabulary, all of it.  I find Phaedra to be fascinating, and extremely entertaining.

The model agency scenes are lame and I will lose interest fast, wait, already have. Kandi, Sheree and Phaedra are vibrator shopping. Why? Because Kandi is starting her own line of vibrators.  Really? She says as a single parent she needs to make money, so she thought about sex toys.  God Bless her, but she is the last one I would have thought would get in the sex business.

Note to self:  visit that shop in Atlanta.  Meanwhile Kim is in bed with an insanely adorable dog, and hanging out with her kids and Sweetie.  She says having the kids around is great because they bring her things all day.  It’s funny how they are portraying her this year.  She seems mellow, but we know there is some serious heffer just waiting for the baby to come.

Phaedra oversees her aunt’s funeral, and it’s very lovely and southern.  She looked beautiful and I loved her hat.  I think Funerals by Phaedra is a delicious idea.  It’s time for Sheree and NeNe to meet and clear up their situation.  From the moment they say hello you can feel the tension.  It’s not going to end well because it does not start well.  Sheree is cool, NeNe is hot.

Sheree’s ability to stay calm is amazing.  Maybe it’s because she knows she can knock these bitches out with one shot from her guns, so there is no fear. Sheree gets the guy on the phone and he confirms Sheree’s story, and Nene loses her mind.  Standing, yelling, and cussing, telling Sheree how rich she is. NeNe bailed, and Sheree goes out after her.  It is on in Atlanta.

NeNe leans of Cynthia for support and you just know it’s only a matter of time before these two turn on each other.  I like NeNe.  I think she is funny and entertaining and she better not let these chicks suck the joy out of this time for her.  NeNe says she has never been hated like that before, which I’m guessing is not true.  It’s going to get worse before it gets better.

The best part of the premiere episode was the last minute where they showed us what is coming up this season.  It is going to be beyond good. Blogging can be painful with some of these housewives cities, but that will not be the case with Atlanta.  I am excited about the season, excited to blog, and wish all the ladies and heffers well.  I know they will keep it real!

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November 3, 2011 | 11:53 pm

Reality Television Blogging Updates: Abridged

Posted by Ilana Angel

I cannot believe how much reality television there is on right now.  Even more unbelievable, is that I am watching it all.  It’s exhausting, but I’m not willing to give any of it up, so here we go with an abridged update to get me caught up on everything, so I can start next week clear and ready to go.

Dancing With The Stars:  America got it wrong this week.  David Arquette should not have gone home. He was getting better, and totally entertaining, while Hope is a mess, and Maks is an ass.  I want Hope to go next week, then Rob after her.  I am sick of seeing Kardashians on television, but my dislike for Maks trumps that.  Important to note:  I love Justin Bieber.

Top Chef:  They are in Texas this season and if week one is any indication of how the season will be, Yee Haw!  This is a hugely accomplished group, and I cannot believe some of the things they made.  When they sent people home without even giving them an opportunity to cook, I knew we were in for some fabulous television.  I am hooked on this show and will watch weekly.

Survivor: This is the best season ever.  I knew if I hung in it would get good again.  The challenges are predictable, but the backstabbing is fresh.  Ozzy is a putz, Coach is kooky, Albert is divine looking, and Cochran is my personal favorite.  This week’s game changer with Cochran was perfection, I can’t wait to see the fallout next week, and I really hope they don’t kill Cochran.

Real Housewives of Atlanta:  The 4th season with the ladies of Atlanta premieres this weekend, and in anticipation of that, Bravo aired a “before they were housewives” special that was a waste of time.  It did not include all the women, and seemed like a desperate, last minute, time filler. Whatever.  I will be watching on Sunday and know it’s going to be good.

The X Factor:  I love Simon and would watch him on anything.  When Paula commented that there was only one season in London, which is apparently called “miserable”, I was thrilled. They are back.  Nicole is boring and I don’t like her on the show, but LA is cool.  America got it right sending the kids home.  This show won’t get good until they are down to the top five.

The Millionaire Matchmaker:  Patti Stanger is disgusting, and has yet to say anything original this season.  She is recycling jokes from her first season and it’s ridiculous.  Her show makes my skin crawl, and I watched this week just so I could say, with complete conviction, that this woman should not be on television and her show is offensive.  Cancel this show Bravo.

Mad Fashion:  This is an entertaining show and every time I hear Chris March laugh, I find myself smiling.  His team is fun, and their creations are fabulous.  You cannot watch this show and not want them to create something for you.  I love this one and think Chris, as Lisa from RHOBH for Halloween, was simply perfection.  Fun and relaxing television.

Fashion Hunters: I cannot figure out why I am watching this show.  It’s lame and the chicks in the shop are the most annoying women ever.  Karina wanting to buy everything is stupid, Tara being the fake manager is dumb, Ambria is a pathetic girl and her voice grates on my nerves.  Wilson is the only good part of this crap fest.  Not sure I will make it through the season.

I write about reality television here, but I’ve been getting a lot of requests to do a weekly recap of “Revenge”.  I’ve not been watching, but have them all recorded and plan to watch it this weekend.  People really love this show so I’m curious to see what it’s about.  Not sure how I can watch another show, but I’ll try.  I’m a TV addict who watching, blogging, and keeping it real.

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November 1, 2011 | 1:47 am

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:  Shame. Shame. Shame.

Posted by Ilana Angel

This week started out with Lisa breaking the law, as it is against the law to drive in California without a hands free device on your cell phone.  But there she is, driving around town, holding her phone.  I used to like Lisa, and now I can barely stand the sound of her voice.  Stop driving and talking on the phone.  It’s dangerous.

Lisa is calling everyone, illegally, to see if they are coming to her daughter’s engagement party.  She tells Taylor she can come, but she can’t bring her husband.  Really?  Mohammed’s house is massive and he would never even see Russell.  I think it was rude.  Even more offensive, is that Taylor ordered a $2000 cake for her kid’s 5th birthday.

Really?  At this point her husband is drowning under her excessive spending, but she is having a party for 200 people?  I think Taylor should be ashamed of herself.  I hope she spends part of her days washing Russell’s blood off of her hands.  We then go to Kyle and her mother-in-law, but I’m skipping over it because Kyle is annoying.

Let me get this straight, Taylor and Russell have no money, but she is having a chef cook dinner, then decides to put on an apron, as if she was involved in the preparation?  This chick makes me sick.  I am skipping over every single scene with Russell.  Shame on Bravo for having this man on the show.  It is disgraceful and offensive.

It’s time for Pandora’s embarrassing engagement party and Lisa is worried her son Max won’t come.  If you need to constantly say “he is part of this family”, is the implication not that he does not feel that he is part of the family?  There is a strange vibe between Max and Lisa, and I find it unsettling.  Pandora is clearly her favorite.

Sidebar:  Wearing your trousers hanging low on your ass does not give the wrong impression in West Hollywood Lisa, and your homophobic jokes are lame.  Kim calls to say she is not coming.  Translation:  she is high and does not want to put the crack pipe down.  Lisa gives Pandora a gift, from only her, and does not include Ken in the moment.  Selfish if you ask me.

Over at Mohammed’s house, we discover he is now engaged to his robot girlfriend.  There is a camel at the front door, which is almost as confusing as Pandora wearing a Chanel dress with a Frederick’s of Hollywood purse. Also confusing is why Adrienne has two wings, made out of hair, coming out the side of her head.  Brush your hair!

BEST PART OF THIS SHOW EVER is the mermaid, flopping around at the pool, clearly coming off of a crystal meth high.  I love this chick and want her to come to my next party.  Best guest star ever!  As for the chick that calls her husband Daddy, I think it was probably Bobby but she had so much collagen, she could not pronounce it properly.

Kim is dating a lost brother of Tom Sizemore.  Dear Lord.  No good can come out of dating your dealer.  She met him at the mailbox, which could mean one of two things. 1) He was dropping off her drugs. Or 2) “mailbox” really means “dumpster” and he was looking for some dinner.  Poor guy.  He’s been dating this hot mess for a year!

Kyle getting up on the table at the party, and doing the splits in her ball gown was brutal.  Lisa dismissing Ken from having any role in the engagement party was gross.  Showing Russell is mortifying.  Watching this show is difficult.  It takes Bravo to the gutter, and Kennedy’s birthday party might put me over edge. Time for the ladies to keep it real.

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