Posted by Ilana Angel
The Bachelorette is finally over for the season. Thank God. I seriously don’t think I would have lasted through one more week. However, I’m about to watch three hours of hell and I’m oddly exited. I have a mojito on hand, with a bottle of wine as back up, so let the train roll.
We start off with Ashley and her family. They seem lovely. Her sister, who looks like Kat Von D, had me laughing because within 2 minutes of her being on television, she scratched her head. Perfection. The sisters share the same unwashed itchy scalp. Family clearly helps Ashley feel normal.
JP is first. He is sitting with the family, for the first time, and Ashley is wiping down her face and legs with a towel. She is looking down her own blouse, watching the sweat poor straight to her tummy, as there are no boobs to catch it. Everything is nice, until the sister dives in.
Cut to the sister telling her JP is not the one. Sis asked if he made her laugh and Ashley says no. Sis thinks she is too young for him, she starts crying, can’t stop playing with her hair, and rubbing her lips together. Ashley is acting like a teenager and could not be more unattractive.
Ashley is, for lack of a better word, an idiot. She is conflicted about who to pick because she is not sure who loves her. She could care less. She wants to pick who will want to marry her, not who she loves more. She is desperate, ridiculous, and I am embarrassed for her.
Ashley runs out to her little brother and is crying about what a bitch her sister is. I like the brother, but his is a family that sweats. The sister is alone with JP and she tells him she does not see them together. This chick is a bitch. By bitch of course I mean she needs her own show.
Ashley is now complaining to her step-dad. It’s sad. All she wanted was support from her sister and it’s just not happening with her and JP. Sister tells JP he is too old for her, Ashley is too much for him, and there is nothing he can do to change her mind.
Sissy is a total joy sucker. Ashley cannot comfort JP after he is screwed over. Ashley plays with her hair, and tells him not to worry. Her family just told him he was out, but he is supposed to not worry about it, go off while they fall in love with Ben, and it will all be fine.
Ashley is talking to her sister and it’s so annoying. The sister is fabulous and Ashley is an idiot. She admits that her sister is saying all the things she thinks in her head, which means that Ashley is not into JP and should pick Ben. Ben is cute and makes a good impression on the family.
He is so into he, and speaks so opening about it, that you know he is going to get dumped. She is going to pick JP because her sister does not like him, because she thinks he loves her more, and she does not want to risk being dumped on television after months of being a loser.
It’s the final date with Ben and they take a helicopter ride to a healing, natural mud bath. Sidebar: Ben has bigger boobs than Ashley. She really likes him, but sadly he loves her. I’m thinking Ben has solidified his spot as the next Bachelor. I’ll be bored, but I’ll still watch.
Ben tells Ashley he loves her, they kiss, are lying on the bed and she says, “So what do you think?” She is a bad romantic comedy come to life. The kind that not only goes straight to video, but the kind you use to prop up a broken table because that is all it’s good for.
It’s JP’s date and he tells Ashley that her sister screwed him up. Hating the sister is totally the stuff to build a relationship on. She is going to pick the guy that her family does not think she should pick. She will pick him and he will dump her. He is into love, not into Ashley.
JP tells Ashley he loves her and asks her not to break his heart. Really? It made me laugh out loud almost as much as I did at her padded bathing suit. It made her look like an actual girl, not a boy, so bravo to the maker of that miracle suit. JP is a little too cliché for me.
He then gives her a present, which is a photo album of all their times together with a note about their great love story. He is still in love with his ex, and used the show to get over her, and does not love her, so the book makes him as sleazy as Bentley. Yuck. Cute, but yuck.
It’s engagement day and Ashley wakes up and gets out of bed in full make up, having slept in a robe. Her fake eyelashes are stupid, and her monologue about each of the guys is scripted and useless. I have had two mojitos and yet I feel the need to pour another one. Shame.
Neil lane is there with his jewels. I love everything that Neil Lane does and no matter what they each pick, it’s going to be fabulous. That said, you can tell a lot about a guy by the type of ring her picks. In terms of Ben and JP, the best ring selection goes to JP.
Ben is first and Chris Harrison is there, for no apparent reason. He says he loves her, know she loves him, and he is going to ask her to marry him because they have a fairytale. He talks about his dad and I want to jump in the television and save him from this nightmare.
Before she can say anything, he gets down on one knee and proposes, while she stands there like a moron, cries, and says she is sorry. All he can say is “wow”. She is talking about how hard it is when he cuts her off and bails. No bye, no hug, and she chases after him.
He is over it and just wants out. I’m guessing that as she is talking her voice sounds as annoying to him as it has been to us all season. I LOVE Ben and now want him to be the new Bachelor. He is really great and Ashley is a skanky, gross loser. Mean? Yes. True? Yes.
Then, to add insult to injury, as he is telling us that he just does not understand what happened, they put him in a boat and rather than drive along the shore, they drive him straight out into the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. It was freaking hilarious.
So it’s JP, as we knew it would be, and he gives her a killer ring. She gets to move to New York City, piss off her family, and be a laughing stock when she realizes that JP is not going to be forever. He will get his 15 minutes, and I predict be on next season’s Bachelor Pad.
After The Final Rose is next and the recapping is instant. Ben comes out and has to sit there while we watch him watching himself get dumped. He’s great and good things will happen for him. Ashley comes out, then JP. She’s sporting the ring, they are in love, and I’m not buying it.
The sister says she is sorry for doubting them. Whatever. She was right and should own it like she did in Fiji. She talks about how she is looking forward to family stuff like Christmas and Ashley corrects her and says Hanukkah. They will be long over by the holidays.
And so it is over. Hooray! It’s been a painful season to sit through and I hope the powers that be realize they picked a dud, and their choice for the next go round will determine if we will come back. I say I won’t watch, but I will, so all I can do is hope they keep it real.
12.8.13 at 9:55 pm | Momma Joyce is all kinds of crazy.
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us?
12.7.13 at 7:29 am | I'm not going to lie, these women and the men. . .
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (4827)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3080)
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (1599)
August 1, 2011 | 12:25 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
“The Men Tell All” special aired on Sunday night as an appetizer to the main dish, which is the finale on Monday. It is sad that ABC dragged this out for four hours when the whole thing, both the men spilling the beans and the final rose, could have been done in an hour. The only thing more pathetic than four hours is that we all watched it.
The recapping on this train wreck is insane. We are shown the same things over and over again. If The Real Housewives are a crack addiction, The Bachelorette is cheep street heroin. I am not only embarrassed I watch this show, but mortified that I love it and still think it can work. My name is Ilana and I am a sucker for love.
By sucker for love of course I mean I no longer watch this crap fest because I like it, but because I am paid to write about it. If reality television is what the world is judging us on, we’ve got bigger problems than the debt ceiling. This show does not work, is harmful to women, and is all about fame whores trying to get their 15 minutes.
Chris Harrison refers to Bentley as the most hated man in America. Not so much. I dug him and thought he was great TV. Even after everything she went through, and the truth she now knows, Ashley says Bentley was only in it to win. How dumb can this girl be? He could have won and he left because he was not into her. He’s a no-show, and leaving was the win.
Harrison is recapping stuff we did not see and it is painful. We see JP break furniture and learn that Ashley snores. We see that Ames is really great and Mickey suffered genital mutilation on his date. Then Chris says the audience noticed her fruit bowl in Hong Kong had a banana that looked sexual. Really? They are desperate to fill 2 hours.
The producers of this garbage are bastards. Just as we are excited to know this is FINALLY over, they show us 10 minutes of The Bachelor Pad, which begins airing next Monday night. Dear Lord give me strength because I loved it. I’m in. I shall watch and I shall blog. This show is disgustingly fantastic and I, along with mandatory bottles of wine, will be watching.
After 33 minutes we finally get to the men telling all. Watching men act like women is gross. From Ryan’s cheerleading personality, to the mask guy, to the guy who trashed her at the roast, it’s lame. The funniest guy is Tim the drunk. He’s quite entertaining and it’s a shame he bailed so early, although I get the drinking to make listening to Ashley possible.
They spend a lot of time talking to William. It’s not just me who makes fun of this poor girl. The editors are clearly on a mission to humiliate her. My blog is quite gentle compared to how they have treated her in editing. I think William is a putz. By putz, of course I mean fame whore. He was never into Ashley, only into getting famous. Epic fail.
Ryan P. tried really hard to secure his spot as the next bachelor and it looks like he may have done it. He’s sweet, saving the planet, and a good looking guy, so good luck to him. That said, if he’s chosen I’m probably out. He’s either an actor or the sweetest guy on the planet and should not be given a shot. Who am I kidding? If he’s in, so am I.
Ames is either the sexiest man in America, or a serial killer who will snap at any moment. I love him. He also freaks me out a little. I think he should be the next Bachelor. He is charming, smart, romantic, funny, chivalrous, classy, and about 20 notches above any other Bachelor they have ever had. That said, he’s probably too smart to sign up for this crap.
I am bored out of my mind and we still have 30 minutes to go. So they bring Ashley out. She is wearing an insane amount of make up and is still in need of some chapstick. She keeps saying “like” and after one minute the tears are coming. She is spray tanned to the max, but it stops at her wrist. She is orange everywhere but on her hands, which looks weird.
I feel like I have been watching this for 4 hours and there are still 20 minutes to go. They bring back Jason, Deanna and Alli. Really? Who cares about these people anymore? Alli has nothing of interest to say and her voice gives me a headache and so I am going to fast forward over her. She is just as dumb as Ashley, and bores me.
Deanna? Who the hell is Deanna? I barely remember her so why is she there? Jason? Really? This whole alumni section is really stupid. We don’t care what these people say, and I would rip off my toenails with pliers if it meant this could be over. Make it stop! Even the bloopers are a waste of time and at least they should be funny right?
Tomorrow is the finale and Harrison keeps saying that “hopefully” Ashley will pick someone. What the hell does that mean? There is a recap of JP and Ben and she says she could marry them both. Blah. Blah Blah. We have all just thrown away two hours of our lives on a “reality” show that is completely unrealistic, and makes no real attempt to keep it real.