June 6, 2011 | 10:52 pm

The Real Housewives of New Jersey are Thankful we are Tuning into their Crapfest

Posted by Ilana Angel

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It’s Thanksgiving in New Jersey and the show takes us through the holiday by switching back and forth between Teresa’s Thanksgiving and Melissa’s.  It’s quite interesting, and a look into what they want us to think an Italian life is, but since I’m not Italian I don’t know if it’s accurate or embarrassing. I think I can guess.

Teresa and Joe are going to buy their turkey.  Teresa is driving because Joe is a drunk driver, and he is rude to her the entire ride.  Joe is a bit of a pig and by pig of course I mean caveman, and by a bit, I mean totally.  Melissa’s Joe is shopping with her at the market.  He’s useless certainly, but not a rude pig.

Kathy is making all of the deserts and it’s insane.  I could almost smell her cakes through the television they looked so good.  Her kitchen looks like a professional bakery, only better.  It’s sad because Teresa is not with her family but with her friends, which is weird because they are family, and not with their own family.

Bravo’s lame script means it’s probably not even Thanksgiving.  I don’t believe Caroline would not be with her siblings, and at the very least with Dina, for the holiday.  Theresa was going to be by herself, in the house she cannot afford and ordering pizza if they did not fake the dinner for her.

Teresa and Joe are buying a live turkey that will be killed at the farm.  As a vegetarian I was repulsed.  The loser farmer is saying the turkey has no idea he is being killed and does not know what’s happening.  He knows, and to be clear, the farmer is dumber than the turkey.

Albert and Caroline go with Lauren to Vito’s family store.  They are a sweet family and I liked them very much. Caroline is a snob and if she says she could care less about something one more time, I will need to smack her.  Albert is sweet and Caroline speaks in clichés.

Ashley goes to visit Christopher and Albie in their apartment.  She is not very bright and they explain to her she needs to stay at home until she can afford to live in the city.  She is pissed because she wanted to live in Manhattan and be Carrie Bradshaw.  Right.  Going to happen.

Ashley listens to the boys and helps at home.  Jacqueline is horrible.  Her chin is out of control and she is mean to Ashley.  Clearly she is closer to her young boys than her daughter.  Jacqueline seems more bothered by Ashley than having any real emotions about her.

Teresa is cooking and Juicy is sleeping.  Her kids are fighting and she is trying to not be embarrassed on camera.  Over at Melissa’s, she is dressed like a hooker as she prepares her dinner.  Her mother is a dyed blonde who looks out of place with all her dark haired daughters.

Melissa’s Joe gives her a surprise for Thanksgiving and it’s a mechanical bull. In front of all their family and friends, they mount the bronco and make out. It’s mortifying and at the same time sort of cute.  They are inappropriate, and as the Countless would say, money can’t buy you class.

Teresa’s Thanksgiving outfit makes it look like we are in the 1980’s.  Kim D arrives and I want to know why is she invited to stuff.  Teresa is babbling about how Caroline and Jacqueline are her family and it’s sad.  Her life has crumbled and it’s upsetting to watch.  I almost feel bad for her.

Melissa’s group is sitting down to dinner and she takes a moment to thank sweet Jesus.  I like her.  No clue why, but I like her.  Her Joe is a pig, but he clearly loves her and she loves him.  I think he is handsome in a “just sit and don’t speak” kind of way.  I feel bad Teresa is not there.

Teresa’s kids are melting down and her outfit is truly hideous.  Joe is talking with his mouth full and once again we are bored with a conversation about Lauren getting married.  I like her, and it will be great when Vito proposes, but seriously how many times can we talk about it?

Teresa’s brother Joe is telling his guests he loves and misses her.  It’s sad because you can see it.  Bravo flashes back and forth between Teresa and Melissa’s house for a dramatic effect but it’s not working.  It’s annoying and stupid and makes me want to break my TV.

Melissa is telling Joe he needs to make up with his sister, and Teresa is telling everyone Melissa cannot be trusted.  Teresa looks like a vindictive and bitter hag, and Melissa looks like a sweet girl who is trying to ease her husband’s pain.  Teresa is a bitch. No hiding from that.

Jacqueline and Caroline are telling Teresa she needs to take the high road and reach out to Joe.  The entire time they are talking to her, her head looks like it will explode and she will start bleeding marinara sauce out of her nose.  Teresa is bitter and angry and unable to to fix things.

It will be interesting to see how it plays out.  By interesting, of course I mean I could care less, but this show is my heroin and even if I did not want to watch it, I would have to.  I’m hooked on New Jersey, losing patience with Caroline, loving Melissa, digging Kathy, and keeping it real.

June 6, 2011 | 12:19 am

Real Housewives of Orange County Thankfully Ends for the Season

Posted by Ilana Angel

These chicks are out of control, not interesting, and while they are the ones who got the housewives franchise started, it’s time for it to be over.  I will be surprised if Andy Cohen decides to bring these chicks back.  They are not fun to watch.  By not fun of course I mean annoying.  Let’s walk away Andy.

We start with Vicki telling us she has filed for divorce.  She is heartbroken that her marriage has ended, but she is going to put on a brave face and host over 100 people at her home for a party. She ignored her husband for years, and is dumping him, but the party must go on!

Tamra and Eddie are getting ready for the party and she is bitching about Jeana.  Sidebar:  Why does Eddie have such a nice house, a ton of expensive clothes in his closet, but a variety of plastic and wire hangers?  Get decent hangers so your closet does not look like you’re in college.

Gretchen is telling Slade he needs to get along with Vicki.  Her necklace is hideous and Slade makes me want to vomit.  He is almost as unattractive as her handbags.  They are eating omelettes in bed, they look like eggs with dog crap, and why does she have full makeup on?

Alexis has her assistant come over to help her pick a dress because she cannot do it on her own.  Again, I have to say that the hangers are driving me nuts.  How can you have nice things and not have them on nice hangers? You can get fabulous matching wooden hangers for cheap.  Do it!

Jim refuses to go to the party, but she has invited 5 girlfriends to go with her.  Who takes a posse to a party?  Alexis tells us the problem with “liberal America” today is the women think they can do whatever they want, like be President, when they should just be wives.

Is she mentally challenged?  Does she not know that Sarah Palin is going to run for President and she is not liberal?  Does she know how to spell liberal? Does she know how to spell anything?  And how does she drink when she has no feeling in her upper lip?  I can’t stand this chick.

She is a throw back to the fifties in her thoughts on relationships, which I think is charming, but she looks like a hooker whore, and while her lack of intelligence makes her very entertaining, she is completely unappealing and seems to have a skewed view of what Jesus would do.

Vicki’s son Michael says he is sad about Vicki’s divorce, that Donn is the only father he has known, and his relationship will stay the same.  Her daughter Brianna says Donn has called her and she has not called him back because she does not want to deal with him.  Not cool.

She has no personality and I feel like every time she is on the show it’s wasted time.  She could not be more boring, insensitive, or ridiculous.  Vicki is complaining that she has not spoken to Donn since she filed for divorce. Maybe it’s because you never told him, just served him?

Tamra goes to check on Vicki and Vicki tells her she needs to tell people not to talk to her about Donn. She files for divorce, does not tell anyone, they all learn about it online, then she wants her friends to tell people what they can and cannot talk about?  Just cancel the party.

Vicki is crying and not one inch of her face is moving.  Tamra’s lips look like a duck.  Tamra is trying to get Vicki to stop crying and it’s funny and adorable.  She tells her to rub her boobs to stop crying and to think about insurance.  She was the perfect duck.  I mean girlfriend.

Jeana arrives and is a pig.  Fernanda arrives and is invisible.  Quinn is there in a ridiculous wig.  Tammy is there, nobody cares.  Why were these old housewives invited?  They are off the show because we didn’t care about them, so why bring them back?  Cancel this show!

Peggy’s breast implants make her look deformed and her hair looks like it’s made out of straw.  She goes off on Alexis telling her that she keeps trying to make her feel bad.  I’m with Peggy on this one.  Alexis does not understand what Peggy is saying because Alexis is a moron.

Peggy talks to Jeana and tells her she should apologize to Tamra. Tamra cannot control her anger and she goes off on Jeana.  Jeana says Simon never hit Tamra and that Tamra lied.  Tamra starts screaming at Jeana that it’s none of her business and she needs to stay out of her life.

Tamra gives her a letter from her attorney, Jena threatens to throw her in the pool, Tamra throws a glass of wine on her, then wine is flying, people are pushing, there is yelling, Tamra tells Jeana she is going to hell, and Jeana understands why Simon is divorcing her.  Blah, blah, blah.

Jeana is pathetic, walks home, and immediately calls Simon.  Tamra should be ashamed that this is what she is putting out in the world for her kids to see, and Quinn needs a new wig.  Eddie is the only one that does not look like an idiot.  Wait, he’s with Tamra, I take it back.

Gretchen ends the season still with Slade.  Tamra is almost divorced and has introduced Eddie to her young kids.  Brianna moved back with her mom and has a relationship with Donn.  Vicki is moving ahead with the divorce and selling her house.  Then we get the golden nugget.

Alexis reveals that Peggy used to date Jim.  No wonder she is so jealous.  How can you be good friends with the woman who used to bang your husband?  What would Jesus think?  Peggy was an interesting addition for a minute, but she has nothing worth watching for.

I am happy this season is over and honestly think Orange County should be retired.  It has run its course and needs to go away.  We watched, we laughed, we blogged, and we’re done.  The reunion next week looks great and so I think I can hang on for another week and keep it real.

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June 3, 2011 | 5:10 pm

Jerry Springer is Rocking at 67 and Helping Open Some “Baggage”

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love Jerry Springer.  While not always a fan of his talk show, I dig him and when he danced with his daughter on Dancing With the Stars I officially fell in love with him.  At 67, he could be my dad, and sadly he is also the age of the men who write me online to ask me out on a date.

Springer has had an interesting life.  He was born in London, in a subway station that was being used as a shelter during World War II.  His parents were Jewish refugees that escaped from Germany, and he and his family immigrated to the States and settled in Queens, New York.

He graduated from Tulane and got his law degree at Northwestern.  He was elected to the Cincinnati city council and eventually quit when he admitted he hired a hooker.  He came clean, was honest, and won back his seat a year later with his honesty, and two years later he was the Mayor.

He eventually left politics and became a reporter, then a news anchor where he started his now famous closing line, “Take care of yourself, and each other”.  He went on to host the Jerry Springer Talk Show, which was honestly more reality show train wreck than talk show.

He then hosted America’s Got Talent, and is now hosting a new show on the Game Show Network called “Baggage”.  This show is sad, pathetic, scary, and could possibly become of the summer’s guiltiest pleasures.  Jerry Springer has a cult following and I’m guessing it will be a hit.

Baggage is a dating show where there is a contestant and 3 daters.  The daters each have suitcases, which include silly and/or shocking things are considered relationship “baggage”.  The contestant let’s them go if they have too much baggage, on their road to finding a date.

The contestants look like they could have been on the Jerry Springer Show back in the day.  You know the type, the ones who sleep with their sister’s husband, or get pregnant by their mom’s boyfriend.  This show is screaming train wreck and I am going to be checking it out.

It airs on GSN weekdays at 7:30/6:30 central.  I am happy to have Jerry back on my television everyday.  He is a cool guy and his honesty and charm are sexy.  Perhaps he’ll be a roll model to Anthony Weiner that Jewish fallen politicians can recover, if they just keep it real.

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June 2, 2011 | 10:13 pm

Real Housewives of New York – Crazytown is the New Capital of Morocco

Posted by Ilana Angel

It is week two in Morocco and we start with Ramona getting her fortune read.  She is being told that she does everything for Mario and gets nothing back.  Sonja starts bawling and the first thing that comes to my mind is that Sonja is sleeping with Mario.  Ridiculous of course, but juicy.

Ramona is told there is another woman in Mario’s life and Ramona is convinced it’s her daughter Avery that the woman is feeling.  Ramona sits with no facial expression as she is told the news.  She could be in shock, or simply embarrassed, but she is stoic and taking it like a man.

Jill thinks it’s weird that Sonja’s reaction is what Ramona’s should have been and can’t wait to tell us.  Ramona tells a complete stranger that LuAnn hit on her husband.  Sonja is drunk and apparently the crying is because she is still heartbroken her 70 year old husband left her for another woman.

Sonja is sad and talking to Ramona and Ramona is a total bitch, telling Sonja that she married an old man for money, while Ramona married a man her age and she is blissfully happy.  Ramona tries to support Sonja in the end and it’s sad.  Sonja is a mess and Ramona is delusional.

As the ladies leave the party we get a good look at the outfit Alex wore. Oh. My. God.  The supermodel is wearing blue sequined Bermuda shorts with big glittery stars on them.  It may the most ridiculous outfit I have ever seen. The supermodel is super blind when it comes to fashion.

The next morning the ladies are heading out to the market for some shopping.  LuAnn tells Sonja to hold the seat next to her and when Cindy goes to sit in the same seat, Sonja tells her it’s saved and Cindy loses her mind.  She leaves to go the other car and Ramona moves with no problem.

Cindy is upset, Ramona is gossiping about it, and I am finding hard to believe that I love Kelly.  She is sweet and lovely and we are seeing what I would like to think is the real her.  Jill looks like she is going to the mall, while Sonja looks likes she is shooting a scene from Out of Africa.

They are shopping and Cindy is on the warpath with Sonja.  She is trying to force a conversation in the market and it’s sad.  I am screaming at the TV for Cindy to just shut up.  She is letting Drunky McDrunkerson upset her and it’s a shame.  Walk away Cindy.  You are too good for this.

LuAnn is explaining to Cindy that she asked Ramona to save the seat and Cindy jumps on the train to Crazytown.  She asks what Sonja has accomplished in her life, which is mean, and it’s too bad because they have now sucked her into the vicious circle of mean housewives.  Disappointing.

The ladies are going on a camel ride and I’m confused by everyone referring to LuAnn as the one who took them on the trip.  I find it hard to believe that Countless paid for them to all go.  Bravo picked up the tab so I wonder if they have been instructed to refer to LuAnn as the hostess.

LuAnn is stylish, Alex is dressed like she works at the circus, Cindy has killer legs, Kelly looks like a supermodel, Ramona looks like my grandmother, Jill sounds like my grandmother, and Sonja decides not to ride but walk along side them.  She was scared and felt bad for her.

LuAnn’s camel has a moment and tries to throw her off.  She is clearly shaken and handles herself like a Countess.  The young guide helps LuAnn off the camel and cops a feel.  Hilarious.  Another camel eats Jill’s bracelet, everyone regroups and they are off to the oasis for dinner.

They arrive at the tent and it’s gorgeous.  Sonja is talking about her trip with the King of Saudi Arabia and if it weren’t so sad, it would be funny. They sit for dinner and the madness begins.  Jill starts a game where everyone shares something about themselves that nobody knows.

Jill talks about Bobby’s feet, Luann is one of 7 kids, Ramona lived with her mother-in-law for two years, Cindy started working as a kid with her dad, Alex likes to suck the joy out of a party, and Sonja tries to convince us her life is great when clearly she depressed.

Everyone is talking over each other and Cindy has had enough.  Everyone is picking on Sonja for feeling scared and Cindy tries to come to her defense but is shot down under all the gabbing.  The entire dinner gave me a headache and I wanted to scream.

Cindy steps away and all the cackling hens follow her out.  Cindy is concerned that there appears to be no respect between the ladies and again they are all talking over each other.  In trying to explain their crazy relationships, they show Cindy that at the end of the day they are just crazy.

Alex and Simon cannot stand to be apart from each other and decide to video chat twice a day for 20 minutes.  Alex is trying to have “sexy” time and show him her boobs but the ladies keep interrupting, which is a blessing to Simon since he’s gay and boobs don’t float his boat.

They are off to the Turkish baths and Ramona and Sonja stay at home with diarrhea, which Countless is all too happy to talk about.  Sonja and Ramona join in later.  All these years I thought Ramona’s expression was from constipation, and in the end all butt issues show on her face.

Sonja clears the air with Cindy and it’s sweet.  I feel bad for Sonja. As her life becomes clearer, she becomes more fragile.  Cindy is gracious and they make up.  I love Cindy for not giving her a double sided fake kiss and hug. She accepts the apology and it’s over.  Bravo.

Jill goes to talk to Ramona and within 10 seconds I think Jill is full of crap. She tells Ramona they left the better rooms for her, which is a crock.  Jill went in with a suck up attitude, which implies there is a back stabbing coming.  Butter her up, then go in for the kill.

Ramona is calm, and trying to explain herself but Jill is being bitchy.  Not that Jill’s point was not valid, but it’s the presentation and Ramona wins while Jill is an epic fail.  At the end of the day the big issue is that Jill blames Ramona for the end of her relationship with Bethenny.

Jill and Bethenny were never going to make up because Bethenny is a liar who was looking for fame, and when she no longer needed Jill and got her own show, she dumped her.  The fight with Jill was Bethenny’s way to walk away with sympathy and paint Jill as the evil one.

It’s a shame because Jill got screwed, Ramona got screwed, and in the end Bethenny got everything she wanted, but is surrounded by dead bodies. Bethenny is just like her father, exactly like her mother, and Karma is going to break her door down for the messes she has caused.

Ramona handles the conversation calmly and rationally, while Jill is a bitter child who cannot let anything go. Jill blames Ramona for not fixing things with Bethenny and Ramona reminds Jill she lived up the street from Bethenny and could have repaired the friendship on her own.

To the very last minute Ramona is trying to fix things with Jill and Jill is crazy.  She was starting to get people back on her side and this episode undid it all.  Poor thing. Ramona is truly crying and frustrated, while Jill fake cries and must talk to Bobby.

Morocco is not disappointing and week three of the getaway should be the best one.  From camels to fanny packs, fights to making up, Kelly is the coolest chick in Morocco, which is both fabulous and concerning.  I am addicted to this show like heroin, and just trying to keep it real.

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