June 27, 2011 | 11:04 pm

If Admission is Recovery: My Name is Ilana & I Hate Bachelorette Ashley

Posted by Ilana Angel

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To be clear, I don’t hate her.  Hate is too harsh and I don’t know her.  I can say however, that the person we are seeing on television, and reading interviews with, makes me want to push her down a flight of stairs.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen of course.  Maybe just break both her legs so they can be reset and her unfortunate situation could be repaired.

It would be a win, win.  She would get straight legs and I would get the satisfaction of saying I pushed the dumbest woman in America down a flight of stairs.  What’s so fascinating about Ashley is that you can substitute “dumbest” for so many other great things.  She is also the most insecure, delusional, ridiculous, annoying and most in need of a toothpick and shampoo.

The only thing more annoying on this show than Ashley is Chris Harrison. Dear Lord this guy is useless on this show.  I am one minute in and I seriously want to stick my hand down my own throat and remove my own kidney than watch this train wreck.  That said, I cannot stop.  I am willing a power outage and while the remote is right next to me, I can’t turn it off.

Ashley is talking about how her heart is in the United States with Bentley. Is she high?  That’s not a question as much as a statement.  Ashley is high. Her fake crying upon hearing that Bentley is there is pathetic.  Bentley is a pig who scored a free trip to Hong Kong to see a chick he hates, making him brilliant and reality television perfection.  Ashley is a major loser.

Important to note that I am at minute 7 of this crap fest and sitting on my couch with a bottle of wine and only one kidney.  Ashley is walking to Bentley’s room and you could park a bus between her legs.  She thinks there is a risk she might get hurt by Bentley today.  Really?  If Ashley were an animal she would need to be put down right because there is no helping her.

Bentley opens the door and she kisses him.  Awkward. Bentley is lying and I am cracking up.  She says it’s been so hard and he says it has been for him too. Sidebar:  If The Bachelorette production budget can afford to fly Bentley to Hong Kong, then why can’t they buy Ashley some Chapstick?  I am praying to come across Ashley standing on a staircase.  P-R-A-Y-I-N-G.

Bentley is humiliated that he had to do this for the producers, who are clearly smoking crack. They are crazy if they think for one minute we think he wanted to be there, or that she would be able to sit with him without crying.  She is a loser, they are losers, and Bentley, who was brilliant, now looks like a loser too. We are the most stupid for watching this crap.

Lucas gets the first on-on-one date.  He is a cowboy who is in a big city for the first time.  They are on a boat, cruising by the Hong Kong skyline, and she is playing with her bangs and picking her teeth with her tongue.  Lucas is divorced and spilling the details of his broken heart and it’s simply not attractive.  He needs to go home, but the skank gives him a rose.

It’s group date time and they are dragon boat racing.  Ames and Mickey, against twins Constantine and Ben, against Ryan and Blake.  This date pushed the lame envelope to the limit.  I tend to fantasize when watching this show and for this particular episode it was of Godzilla coming up from the water and eating Ashley, then spitting her out in disgust, after eating only her legs.

It’s group dinner, minute 48, and Ashley has said the name Bentley over 40 times.  She is going off to be alone with Ames and her legs are killing me.  I hope she dumps him and he is the next Bachelor.  Of course if he keeps kissing her he will be tainted with her stupidity and I will fall out of love with him.  He is so sweet and incredibly smart, but painfully dumb.

She ends her kissing with Ames by kissing Ben.  She then goes off with Ryan. The men are bagging on Ryan and hoping he gets the boot, but instead he gets a rose and everyone threatens to leave.  Dear God, please make my power go out from now until 10:00 pm PST.  Oh and one more thing, let my kidney be okay until I can get to the hospital just after 10:00 pm PST.

JP is on his one-on-one dinner date.  I think he is so great but cannot figure out why he digs her.  He’s too cute to be with someone so dumb.  He is telling her he likes her and she just keeps on eating her dinner, picking her teeth with her tongue, puckering her dry and crusty lips, and playing with her bangs.  Does Godzilla ever go into the city and search parks for victims?

Skank tells JP that she spoke with Bentley. He is surprised, but a total mensch.  I love Jewish boys.  She is going on and on about how hard it was when Bentley left, and I am screaming at my television for Ashley to shut up. Seriously, SHUT UP.  Why won’t she stop talking?  She wants to be 100% honest with him so that he knows everything that is going on with her.

Is she mentally challenged?  Does she not realize that he is going to watch the show and see that she was a pathetic loser who was in love with someone after 5 minutes, and talking about his leaving like she was going to die? Really Ashley? Run JP.  Run away from this girl.  You deserve better and should start praying this is the last rose she gives you.  Pray!

It’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, and Ashley is going to tell them all Bentley came to Hong Kong.  She is certain they will all react like JP did. She tells them, they are pissed, I’m on my 3rd glass of wine and want to cut myself.  Lucas is pissed and I love him for speaking his mind.  Blake is pissed and Ryan goes over to kiss her ass and pretend he is cool with it all.

She tells Ames and he is lovely but she does not understand what he is saying because she is too busy trying to look contemplative, but instead looking constipated.  Lucas has a rose but he wants to bail.  Blake is pissed, then she starts fake crying and playing with her bangs and he feels bad.  I am now pulling out my teeth with pliers.  One at a time, starting in the back.

Mickey is ticked off and thinks he should go home if she was into Bentley. He asks her to please send him home.  She tells him to be a man and just go, so he does.  Awesome. Lucas is a pussy and stays after he said he would bail. She is sniffing and crying but there are no tears.  Where are the tears Ashley?  I’m thinking she fakes more than just crying.

Ashley is crying to Chris Harrison and her right eyelash looks like it’s going to fall off which would be great.  Chris is rambling on and on and I am now hoping I see him on some stairs too.  I am pouring another glass of wine and the cats are now eating my kidney, which has fallen onto the floor.  I’ve been focused on her legs and just noticed tonight that she has no upper lip.

It’s the rose ceremony and only one will go home since Mickey bailed. The dramatic music is making me sick.  The final rose goes to Ames, which is good because the longer he stays around the better his chances are of being the next Bachelor.  Dentist Blake is going home and appears to be surprised.  He’s talking about Bentley too, which makes me want to vomit.

Blake says he is looking for a friend and leaves sounding like a moron.  It’s down to six and they are moving on to Taiwan.  Then they go to Fiji for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!  There is crying, and her heart is broken, and we are all going to want to impale ourselves.  Sadly, we are addicts so there’s no going back.  All we can do is watch, and keep it real.

June 27, 2011 | 12:13 am

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Meet Deliverance

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have not written about the ladies of New Jersey for a couple of weeks because frankly, they are boring and predictable.  It was filmed so long ago we already know the outcome of all the fights so who cares?  These chicks are not that entertaining, which makes me wonder why the hell I’m watching.

The show starts with Teresa and Melissa hashing out all their crap.  I like Melissa and think she is the one telling more truths in general, but I feel for Teresa because she is trying.  It is clearly fake, but she is trying so bless her.  Her life is falling apart and she wants a relationship with her brother.

It may just be to ask for money, but whatever, family is family.  Teresa is playing to the camera on some level, but she is sad in general so perhaps it’s just desperation we are seeing.  At the end of the day I think the love fest is going to be short lived, which is harder than never having it.

Sidebar:  Who wears this much make up in real life? It’s fascinating that even in the middle of the day, they have on the makeup of whores. Important to note, it’s not classy whores, but rather cheap whores who will go behind a dumpster for a quarter.  Take it down a notch girls.

For the record, the only reason I know of these whores is from Cops reruns in the middle of the night.  I also feel the need to say that Jacqueline is a hot mess.  She always has a chunk of hair out of place, her eye makeup is never even, and her lipstick is always the wrong shade.  Sad.

Melissa is getting ready to go to her daughter’s dance recital, while Teresa, Jacqueline and Caroline are headed to the Catskills for a weekend of “fun”, and Kathy is thinking about opening a restaurant for her deserts.  Kathy’s husband Rich is incredibly sweet, but oddly creepy.

The house upstate is, for this vegetarian, disgusting.  Dead animals hanging everywhere, guns to kill more animals, and I’m feeling sick.  There appears to be 100 people in the house and they are all getting wasted, playing with guns, and talking about blow jobs.  This is a classy, classy bunch.

Kathy and Rich are looking at restaurant spaces and I’m bored. Back in the Catskills, Teresa and Joe are dry humping and for some reason Bravo thinks we want to see it.  When they show us a dead pig getting ready to be cooked, I’m wishing they would go back to the dry humping.

Caroline arrives and she is a stick in the mud.  I normally love her, but in this episode she is a drag.  She tells her kids they cannot ride the quads because they are dangerous.  Her twenty something boys have to listen to mommy.  Their wives are going to need to wipes their asses.

The men are shooting and rising quads, while the women go into town.  This may in fact be the most boring episode in a series of boring episodes. Teresa looks ridiculous in her Eskimo outfit and it is mind boggling that both Teresa and Joe have no budget for Christmas shopping.  Morons.

Melissa and Joe and getting ready to leave, Joe is hitting on his wife, and she appears to be repulsed.  I don’t get it.  She talks a lot about how much she loves him, yet whenever he tries to touch her, she looks like she might hurl.  The mixed messages are exhausting.

They are eating roasted pig and lamb and I am grossed out and skipping it.  I don’t know what they are saying over dinner for real, so I will just guess: Blah, blah, we are boring, blah, blah, my make-up looks like a whore, blah, blah, I need to drink so I won’t kill myself.

It’s time for the dance recital and Melissa invited Joe’s mom, which is nice.  Antonia the grandmother comes and it’s sad.  Joe is so sweet with her, dancing, and hugging her, and loving her.  I feel bad for him and as a mother it hurts me to see his pain.

The recital is the most entertaining part of the entire super-sized episode and I am not ashamed to tell you I rewinded it and watched it twice.  Loved it.  Little Antonia is adorable and when her Grandma hugs her, and they show Joe’s face, it made me sad.  By sad of course I mean I cried.

The Italians from Jersey are headed into a Deliverance bar and Teresa lets us know 5th Avenue has “inraided” the Catskills.  The new chick Delores is there, and she looks like a monkey.  Caroline is sipping a shot.  She is an old lady.  Teresa is drunk and acting a little skanky.

This hour and fifteen minutes of wasted time ends with a visit to the chapel that is built on the property.  Lovely but weird, Jacqueline is disrespectful, and Caroline appears to never brush her hair.  They all pray to Saint Michael.  If he can get this show cancelled, I will keep the faith!

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June 24, 2011 | 11:08 am

Real Housewives of NYC: Sweet 16, Drag Queen & Some Teenage Jew Hating

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start this week’s addictive train wreck with Ramona, who is planning Avery’s Sweet 16 party.  Avery is a beautiful girl but one immediately wonders why, with all the money spent on a private school education, she says “like” every other word, making her sound like an idiot.

Over to LuAnn, she is planning Victoria’s Sweet 16.  Countless tells us that she did not have a Sweet 16 herself and is vicariously living through her daughter.  She also makes a point to tell us how grateful Victoria is.  I like LuAnn and immediately think her party will be better.

Back to Ramona, we find out she didn’t have one either, but lovely Avery starts yelling at her mother, talking to her like she is an idiot, in front of the party planners.  Nice.  Victoria on the other hand, is mellow and classy, although it seems that maybe she would have preferred a Hampton’s party.

Avery is listening to the ideas of the party planner and she is pissed off. The planner is making suggestions and Avery looks like she is going to pull a Carrie prom meltdown and start closing doors with her eyes and killing people.  She says the planner’s idea sound like a Bat Mitzvah.

One could argue she is simply stating she does not want it to be a young kid’s party because she is not 13.  Or,  one could take a big juicy leap and say the daughter of the “True Faith” moneymaking machine is not going to be embarrassed by stupid Jewish crap.

Judging by Ramona’s reaction it’s hard to tell.  She looks like she could have been embarrassed by Avery’s comment, of perhaps it was a look of approval and she was not going to approve any kind of a Jew vibe either.  At the end of the day who cares?  This show is insane and I love it.

LuAnn is sweet with Victoria and Victoria is simply a lovely girl.  It’s probably all the drugs of the privileged.  Avery is being a complete bitch and I can smell how ungrateful she is through the television.  Enough with the party for now, let’s go over to Jill who is having a “liquid face lift”.

Sonja joins in to see the procedure happen, which is odd, but the true reason she is invited is so Jill, who has her attorney sister there, thinks she can help Sonja with her bankruptcy issues.  A lot of people don’t like Jill but I do.  She is the most authentic one of the bunch.

Sonja is telling Jill and Lisa what happened and they are very supportive of her, not judgmental.  They are good people and are simply trying to help Sonja who is so painfully stupid that I feel for her.  She needs a real lawyer and Jill was kind.  I hope Sonja listens but I’m thinking she won’t.

Jill is having her procedure and I want to be sick.  It looks painful and horrible and I’m quite certain that I could never do it.  Seriously.  As we are watching this weeks show, the ladies are with Andy taping the reunion show and the tweets are interesting.  There are clearly two camps.

It’s Jill’s birthday and LuAnn is throwing her a surprise party. Cindy is there with her hot brother, along with Ramona and Mario.  Then we see Alex and Simon.  The sight of them makes me sick and I start laughing at them.  Simon is wearing a dress that I simply do not understand.

Sidebar:  The last time we saw LuAnn and Alex together, LuAnn was attacked by Alex and walked out, yet Alex walks in they do the double kiss, happy to see each other.  Really?  This show is scripted and needs a new writer who is better with continuity, and will write out Alex.

Ramona finds out Avery’s party is the same night at Victoria’s.  Ramona is crazy.  She is immediately in a competition and tries to one up LuAnn.  Luann tells her the party is small and Ramona tells her Avery has over 200 friends.  No she doesn’t Ramona.  Shut up.

Everyone arrives just in time for Jill to be surprised.  LuAnn worked hard to let Bravo work hard to pull off this party and the second Jill walks in Ramona runs over as if it was her doing.  Ramona is a drunk and I love her.  By love her of course I mean her husband is cheating.

I don’t love Ramona but I do think she is great television.  If you need proof this show is completely fake, Jill says, of her “surprise”, she was shocked to see everyone at the party and she was choked up, but she expected no less from LuAnn.  Really?  A surprise?

Jill is excited and Ramona immediately tells the cameras the party sucked.  It was claustrophobic and she never would have done it there.  Have a drink Ramona.  The housewives get up to toast Jill and it’s just weird.  Kelly is not talking about Jill, but her being late. 

Bobby loves Jill and tells her.  Ramona is on her cell phone and it’s rude. She then puts on a red wig and starts being an ass. Alex stands up to point attention to the ass.  Then Luann comes down to do a performance and Ramona thinks it’s a drag queen.

LuAnn’s performance is fabulous.  LuAnn can’t sing but she really believes she can, which makes her entertaining and almost good.  The editing on this show sucks.  They appear to be jumping all over the place in terms of where people are and what they say.

The party is over and we are back to being Sweet 16.  Victoria is shopping for a dress and LuAnn is gently guiding her.  Victoria picks her dress and it’s very pretty.  LuAnn let’s her have what she wants but is concerned with the length.  I totally dig LuAnn.

We are over at Alex and Simone’s and he is going to quit smoking.  Again.  Simon is repulsive.  I’m sure he is lovely, but not to me.  By lovely of course I mean creepy.  They have a hypnotherapist over to help him stop with the cigarettes. 

It’s funny because the guy is there to help him stop and he says he needs to smoke one more because it’s part of his quitting process.  Enough with these two.  They are ruining the fun of this show with their boring storyline and Alex is a horrible actress.

Avery arrives at her party and she loves it.  Ramona is worried about the décor as there are beds and Mario is conservative.  Is he conservative when he sleeps with her friends?  These people are showing what they are told to show and all reality is gone.

Victoria’s party has all her friends with a few adults sprinkled in.  It is one party.  Ramona’s is two parties, one for Avery and one for Ramona.  I feel bad for Avery and now I understand her saying like is a nervous stutter from having to compete with her mom.

All the ladies visit both parties, except for Sonja who blows off LuAnn.  Ramona remembered to get lots of wine for her party, but failed to get napkins.  Ramona is certain she did not create a club because that would send mixed messages to her underage child.

The fact that there is booze, and beds, is not mixed messages?  Avery is upset her mom is invading her space and it’s sad.  Ramona is out of control and we are reminded Kelly is ballsy and Jill is authentic, while Ramona is fake and Sonja is a hot mess.

Bobby talks to Simon about what I am guessing is Lynn Hudson’s “I hate Jill Zarin” blog and Simon says he has nothing to do with it which we know is not true.  Lynn Hudson is a cyber bully who lives in a delusional world where she thinks she is friends with the ladies.

The more we see this show the more we see there are good, bad, and ugly.  Jill is good, Ramona is bad, and Alex is ugly.  This show needs a kick in the ass.  Get rid of Alex, focus more on Cindy, and get Sonja laid so she is not so bitchy.  Maybe all that can keep it real.

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June 20, 2011 | 11:58 pm

Ashley the Bachelorette Makes Me Want to Jab My Eyes Out With a Fork

Posted by Ilana Angel

It’s Monday night, which means I am home with a bottle of wine, questioning my sanity as I watch the dumbest show on television.  I seriously need help because I cannot stop watching this crap fest and find myself increasingly obsessed with how bowlegged Ashley is.  I’m also curious about what the hell Chris Harrison is doing on this show.  He is a serious waste of money.

Ashley and her fame whores are in Thailand.  We start the show with her walking in ridiculous shoes and a dress so short we are able to see her leg deformity.  She is talking about Bentley.  Dear Lord it’s pathetic that she keeps talking about him, but we know he is back this week and I am excited. Bentley makes good television and he should get his own show.

Thailand is spectacular and she is on a one-on-one date with Ben F.  She is annoying and her spray tan is orange.  Her legs are neon against her while skirt, and her talking is like nails on a chalkboard.  She may be the most annoying person on television.  By maybe of course I mean I hope she gets hit by a runaway elephant.  Too harsh?  Not a chance. 

Ben F. and Ashley are having dinner and hearing Ashley talk like she planned it makes me want to impale myself.  Shut up Ashley.  Dinner is gorgeous and Ben F. is adorable, but Ashley is picking her teeth with her tongue again and I want to slap her.  Just when I think I will scream she starts scratching her head again.  They need to get her a toothpick and some shampoo.

It’s group date time and they are going to do Thai boxing of some kind.  The men are working out, sweating, flexing and if you mute the sound, you don’t have to listen to Ashley’s fake laugh which is awesome.  They go to a ring where they are now going to actually fight.  It’s lame but I must say the guys being a little scared was kind of entertaining.  It could just be my wine.

The guys are paired off to spar and are really hitting each other.  Blake beats Lucas.  JP clobbers Mickey.  Sidebar:  JP is a Jew from Long Island? (He just got cuter.)  Ryan pulverizes Ames.  Constantine beat Nick but we miss it because Ames has been taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Ames is a lovely man and I now want him to be the next Bachelor.

It’s cocktail time and it appears that Ashley has no eyebrows and they are painted on.  Plus her dress is too short.  Ames joins in and he may be the sweetest man on the planet.  He is seriously hurt with a concussion, he is confused, a little off and I love him.  He deserves better than Ashley. Most of these men, even the losers, deserve better than Ashley.

Ashley gives the group date rose to Blake the dentist which is ridiculous.  It totally should have gone to Ames who was a gentleman and got a concussion over hitting someone.  Ashley is a stupid bitch.  Oh. My. God.  Did I just write that?  My delete button is stuck and I can’t delete it.  I’m trying. Oh well, it will just need to stay as a part of the blog I guess.

William and Ben C. are on a two-on-one date and one of them will end up going home.  I want to go to Thailand.  William the cell phone guy who trashed her at the roast tells Ashley that Ben C. is not into her and hoping to bang lots of chicks when he gets home.  William is a weasel and without even asking him about what William says, she sends Ben C. home.

Ashley dumps him and goes on and on about her insecurities and it’s lame.  No hug, no thanks, just a get lost.  Then she goes on an elephant ride with William and sadly neither of them is trampled.  William is at dinner with Ashley and the beauty of Thailand is wasted on these losers.  By losers of course I mean total and complete freaking losers.

Ashley then sends William home, which is good because he’s a child and the play date is over.  He calls himself a loser, which is awesome.  He whines about what a jackass he is and that he is going home to nothing.  He says he wants to crawl into bed and not ever wake up.  Really?  He’s pulling the “I can’t go on card” over Ashley?  Dear Lord.  This show sucks ass.

Ashley announces that she needs closure with Bentley before she can move forward.  There is a thunder storm which adds to the drama and causes her legs to become even more warped from the damp air, and I have now finished the bottle of wine and am not sure how to get through the final few minutes. If it were not for Bentley coming back I think I would puke.

Ashley is having a conversation with Chris Harrison about Bentley and all I want to do is pull her hair.  Chris Harrison is useless and tells her he will work on getting Bentley there so she can get closure, and the blatant scripting of this show is painful to watch.  Ashley is a moron, Chris Harrison is a putz, and I feel bad for the schmucks who are still there.

We are now at the rose ceremony and no Bentley.  Are they f’ing kidding me? We watched this crap for two hours and we don’t get Bentley until next week?  I might have to boycott ABC over this &%$!  Nick goes home but who cares?  Where the hell is Bentley?  I hate this show.  I will be back next week but let’s be clear, I hate it, and THAT is keeping it real.

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June 16, 2011 | 10:33 pm

Real Housewives of NYC: From Porn to Bankruptcy, My Eyes are Bleeding

Posted by Ilana Angel

The ladies are back from Morocco and I’m glad because it’s when they are home that they are their most entertaining.  Every week I say this show should be cancelled, and every week I watch it, love it, blog it, and wait for the next one.  I’d be better off shooting heroin than watching this crap.

We start off with Ramona planning a sexy night at home for Mario.  She is sprinkling rose petals and wearing lingerie with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne waiting for him.  She is ready and waiting.  And waiting.  And Waiting.  Then Sir. Douchebag Mario finally gets home.

While we were waiting for him, Bravo decides we will pop over to see Alex and Simon.  We are at minute two and my eyes are bleeding.  Watching this couple makes me physically ill.  I cannot stand her laughing and his flirting is making my eye twitch.  Alex and her gay husband are too much.

Just as I begin to vomit, we are back with Mario and Ramona.  Sidebar: Why are there fire drill instructions on their bedroom door?  Important to note that between Morocco and this taping, Ramona has had her lips done and looks like a duck and it’s rather unfortunate looking.

Ramona tells Mario about the fortuneteller and he lets her know the only other woman in his life is their daughter Avery.  It is quite possibly the most unconvincing declaration I have ever seen.  I’m not saying he’s a liar, just that I’m not buying it.  Maybe it’s not a woman he is cheating with?

Back with Simon and Alex, he gives per panties and lingerie as a gift and sadly we are forced to watch the fashion show.  Alex leads her gay husband off for what I imagine is unsatisfying sex. I am left on the couch vomiting with my eyes bleeding.  This is not good porn.  Why Bravo?

Ramona is massaging Mario and puts oil on as he sits in an uncomfortable chair, in an odd position.  I am watching and seriously considering taking my own life.  By taking my own life of course I mean do heroin. Bravo knows I won’t turn it off which is disrespectful to my addiction.

We finally leave the gay porn convention and meet up with Cindy.  Sidebar:  Her brother Howard is yummy.  Cindy is showing Howard and her assistant pictures from Morocco, only to discover Sonja has not taken any of her. Mrs. Morgan has purposely not taken any pics of Cindy.

I get that Sonja was upset in Morocco, and wanted to hurt Cindy, but this is just selfish, stupid and mean.  If I were Cindy I would want revenge.  Cindy is the gown up of the group and it’s a drag because a mean girl response would be perfect but Cindy is too classy to give us one.  Damn it.

Sonja is at the dermatologist with her niece and her flirting with him is painful to watch.  We learn that Sonja has filed for bankruptcy and that she does not cut the tags off of her clothes so she can remember the sale price she got. Sonja is kooky, and full of a little crap, but I feel bad for her.

Of course Jill judges her, which is too bad.  I love Jill but I wish she could control herself more.  She is with Bobby to pick out suits and it’s cute.  I think Bobby Zarin is lovely and I like his wife.  It’s a shame she keeps getting in her own way.  People need to give her a shot.  She’s fabulous.

LuAnn is with Jacques for dinner and they are cute. LuAnn is more of a Countess now that she has dumped the Count.  She is gorgeous and strong and I like her.  She is classy and watching her in love is quite sweet.  I like her much more being Countless and with Frenchy.

Jill is having the ladies over to see her new shape wear line and has decided to not include Ramona because she is bad for business.  Agreed.  Sonja comes in and she looks so fragile that I just want to hug her. Alex brings up the bankruptcy and looks constipated as she talks to Sonja.

Jill is judging once again and Sonja cannot answer the questions Jill is throwing at her.  Sonja is naïve, and uneducated.  She married well, lost her marriage, and in an attempt to make a living for herself and her child, she made mistakes.  We’ve all done it, just at different levels.

Jill does her focus group, without Ramona, which I get, but blaming Ramona for losing the Kodak deal is harsh.  By harsh of course I mean not buying it. Her product is pretty and I’ll buy it and actually use it, unlike Skinny Girl Margaritas, which sucks, and I use to clean my toilet.

Alex meets Ramona and tells her all about Jill’s thing and how she did not invite her.  Alex is annoying.  I never understood why she was on the show to begin with and that she is still here is nauseating. Literally.  I keep flashing back to her sex scene and I’m going to hurl.

We only see Kelly for a minute this week, but she is fabulous.  She is taking her Christmas card picture with the girls. Who knew I would like her so much? She is cute with her kids.  Sidebar:  Can someone tell me if the photographer was a man or a woman? 

Sonja is at Ramona’s and has never looked prettier.  She appears soft and broken, which has made her look young and vulnerable.  Ramona is trying to be sweet but it comes across as annoying but sincere.  I wish Sonja well and hope she can keep her home.

LuAnn has met Alex for coffee to discuss Morocco. Was it just me or did anyone else watch this scene and start fantasizing about throwing things at Alex?  I seriously had an out of body experience where Alex was talking to LuAnn and I am pummeling her with tomatoes.

LuAnn is a lady and Alex is not.  Please get her off this show.  Alex is unfortunate looking and has no business being on television.  That she is getting paid to be on this show is sad.  She is going on and on, being a crazy bitch and I’m getting tomatoes from the kitchen.

LuAnn tells her she thought it was going to be a meeting to apologize for Morocco and Alex says that impression shows LuAnn is delusional.  This coming from the woman who is married to a gay man.  Andy Cohen needs to dump her bony ass.  We are over her.

This show keeps getting worse which sadly makes it better.  Next week looks fabulous.  I think LuAnn came out the winner and Alex came out the loser. If Simon comes out they will get their own show for sure.  The best thing for Alex would be for her husband to keep it real.

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June 13, 2011 | 11:08 pm

The Bachelorette Drives Me to Drink, But Bentley is Coming Back!

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start our painful two hours with Chris Harrison reminding us Ashley is serious about finding love, and that he is the most useless man on television.  He tells the guys they going to Thailand. Their excitement at the trip is much bigger than finding out who the bachelorette was.

We see Ashley on the beach and she is telling us she really misses Bentley and wishes he was with her.  I swear, this chick is a lunatic and why they picked her will never make sense to me.  Her laugh is nails on a chalkboard and my new thing is to watch it muted with subtitles.

She is going on and on about how she needs to open her heart to love, and all I can think about is what a drag it is that Bentley left, and how many glasses of wine I will need to get through the show.  Glass one is poured, and hopefully will not impair my reading the subtitles.

Constantine gets the first private date that Ashley is trying to tell us she planned all by herself.  Dear Lord it’s going to be a long night.  Their boat trip is cancelled due to weather so they walk around the city.  It’s a gorgeous place but I am distracted by how bowlegged Ashley is.

They are having a beer and Ashley is once again picking her teeth with her tongue.  She is going on and on about Bentley.  This chick is the most horrible bachelorette they have ever selected.  Even Alli, who was a nightmare, was better.  These men should pray they go home.

She is at dinner with Constantine and now she won’t stop scratching her head.  This chick needs to brush her teeth, get a toothpick, and wash her hair.  She is telling him that she is insecure and I am simply disgusted with her.  She is in need of some serious therapy because she is a mess.

Constantine is opening up to her and her look of boredom is hilarious.  Poor guy.  There is no chemistry at all between them, which I suppose is why we don’t see a kiss.  It’s group date time, it’s pouring rain, and her outfit is ridiculous.  She is talking about Bentley again.  I’m so over her.

They are working to help out an orphanage that was built after the tsunami and it’s awesome.  The men are all saying it speaks volumes about her as a person that she would pick this as a date.  Really?  She had nothing to do with the selection of this date.  Why is everyone so dumb?

The kids come to see their rooms and I cried.  It was special, and that the show includes these charity angles is lovely.  It does not make us forget they are sleazy pimps for fame whores, but it is still really a wonderful thing that they do, and I congratulate them on this sliver of decency.

The group is together for drinks and again her choice of outfit is embarrassing, and she needs ChapStick.  All she wants to talk about is Bentley and it’s so stupid.  She kisses Ben F. and tells us he is getting more confident, which is funny coming from the girl with no confidence.

Ryan takes her off for a chat and we find out all the guys hate him.  He is flirting and it’s awkward.  Why is she wearing a bathing suit, at night, in the rain?  She makes out in the rain with JP and the other guys sit there and watch.  Odd looking Ames gets the next one on one.

Ashley joins the group and Ryan immediately pulls her away to say he hopes to spend more time with her. The guys become a bunch of bratty girls in their reaction.  Ben F. gets the rose and it’s weird because she just made out with JP, then tells the group she is into Ben.  She’s so immature.

Ames gets his date and he is sophisticated and lovely.  He’s too good for her and will eventually get bored by how dumb she is.  They have the most beautiful date I have ever seen and she is talking about how she could see him as a husband, but feels the need to mention Bentley. 

It’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony and she in interviewing the men she’s known for a few days, but explaining to us all she really knows them and what they are all about.  I love the premise of this show but have decided, thanks to Ashley, that it is a big huge pot of crap.

Blake the male dentist tells Ryan P. that he is getting on the nerves of all the guys.  The entire conversation is high school mean girl and I think it’s all rather entertaining.  Important to note, I am now on my second glass of wine.  By second of course I mean I am pouring my third.

Chris Harrison is there, which is a waste of time and money.  He asks Ashley about Bentley and she says her woman’s intuition tells her there is something still there, which would imply that perhaps she is a tranny because her intuition is not just off, it’s non-existent.  She is an airhead.

Ashley tells Chris she wants to only send one guy home because she wants to get to know them better and not send the wrong guy home.  Chris says he will add a rose so only one goes home, and you’d think it’s the most important decision in history.  If I did drugs I’d be high right now.

Ashley sends West home because she does not want to fill the shows of his dead wife, even though he told her the shoes did not need filling.  He is sad that the one time he put himself out there, he is rejected.  I feel bad but he is watching the show and sees he was blessed to get out.

Next week will be a lot of making out and getting over Bentley, only to have him return.  Will he come clean and tell the truth?  Who cares, just bring him back.  Bentley made this show fun and maybe his being there will stop her whining.  Bentley will be back, so I hope he can keep it real.

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June 10, 2011 | 10:05 am

The Real Housewives of New York City – It’s Weird. Weird. Just Weird.

Posted by Ilana Angel

It’s our last week in Morocco and while I am disappointed it’s coming to an end, I’m certain that the people of Marrakesh could not be happier to get our ladies out of there.  This episode rocked it out and they ended with a bang.

Jill is having another heart attack and explaining to Cindy, LuAnn and Kelly that Ramona was unwilling to apologize.  She is not crying, as much as she is sniffing and heavy breathing to give the impression of crying.  It’s hilarious.

Back in Ramona’s room, she is also doing the housewive’s sniffing cry to Alex and Sonja when LuAnn comes in and asks shy she is causing problems.  Pinot is demanded for Ramona and Alex and Sonja are trying to get LuAnn out.

Alex is being weird and trying to take over the situation and tells LuAnn to leave so Ramona can breathe.  Sonja is invisible and Kelly comes in to check on them. I love Kelly this week. She is the voice of calm and reason.  These chicks are so high school that is both entertaining and disturbing. Sonja made a reservation for dinner and wants a medal of some kind.  They fight all day and then go out for dinner at Café Bipolar like nothing happened.

The restaurant has belly dancing and some of the ladies getup to join them. There is music and a shot of Kelly bopping to the beat while she eats her dinner, and it struck me as so sweet.  Alex is telling us she is wild.  Whatever.  Our trusted guide Mustapha is giving the ladies a tour of a palace. Ramona and Lu Ann are resting at home, Kelly has a great outfit on, and Jill will not stop talking and asking random American tourist questions about everything.

Back at the house, Ramona is resting and Alex goes to console her when she returns.  Alex brings nothing to this show, we cannot relate to her, don’t get why she is there, and she is trying to make herself relevant because we don’t care.  Ramona is all touchy feely and Alex is playing therapist.  Ramona tells her she will need a wingman with Jill, and Alex is all over it.  Just as she sucked onto the Bethenny situation with Jill, she will do the same for Ramona.

Alex could care less about any of them.  She simply knows there is no reason for her or her husband, both of whom are unemployed, to be on the show and she is trying to find a way to keep herself from not being invited back.  LuAnn, Kelly and Cindy are getting henna tattoos and Alex comes stomping down the stairs and into the tattoo area.  Kelly is going on and on about how weird it was for her to barge in so angry, and not enter nicely.

Kelly is the best part of this trip.  Alex insists on talking to Luann privately, but LuAnn insists she talk in front of everyone.  Alex is getting hives and wants to deliver her speech on behalf of Ramona but they are not having it.  She wants her “Bethenny does not want to talk to you ever again” moment but instead, Kelly and LuAnn laugh her at.  I have no idea what Alex is doing or why she is even on this show with her gay husband.

Alex is losing her mind with anger and Kelly is explaining why it’s weird.  Ales says Ramona asked her for protection which I don’t remember her saying, and she keeps talking as Kelly is shushing her.  I cannot stop laughing.  Cindy feels bad that Alex is getting steamrolled.  Kelly just keeps talking as she leaves the room, telling Alex the entire thing is stupid, and her tattoo is ruined.  Alex is standing there, with her mouth hanging open, very confused.

Kelly is back to scream at Alex that she ruined her tattoo and that Alex is weird and nobody wants to hang out with her. Kelly walks off telling her she is weird and Alex is crying and screaming at Kelly that she is mad.  Alex chases after Kelly and gets frustrated that she is being shushed. Alex is screaming and Kelly tells her to close her eyes, then open her eyes, stop talking, talk, and no matter what Kelly tells her to do, Alex does it.

This exchange between Alex and Kelly is officially my favorite moment from any housewife season.  It is perfection and I am peeing myself I am laughing so hard.  Kelly is telling Alex what she feels and Alex agrees!  Too funny.  Sonja and Ramona have snuck off to see the custom dresses and try everything on so they are not stuck with something they don’t want.  They are incredibly disrespectful.  Clearly Ramona is not as upset as Alex thinks.

It’s similar to when Bethenny made a comment to tell Jill she’s done, and when Alex took it literally Bethenny thought it was weird.  Ramona simply told Alex to have her back, Alex defended her and Ramona doesn’t get why.  Jill comes out to see what’s happening and when Alex tells Jill what happened, Kelly corrects her and tells her again how’s she’s feeling.  Jill has had her hair done and it looks ridiculous, but I think Jill secretly loved it.

Sidebar:  Why is Alex friends with Sonja after Sonja humiliated her and kicked her out of her house in front of the cameras?  Is Alex so pathetic that she must be friends with her after being treated that way?  At dinner, LuAnn, Jill and Kelly are bagging on Ramona and Sonja who have stood them up fro dinner.  Cindy sits there in disbelief that these chicks are so catty, Alex shows up for dinner and she is weird, while LuAnn is pissed off.

Everyone is annoyed that Alex has arrived an hour and a half late for dinner, while Ramona and Sonja don’t show at all.  Alex says she did not know what time dinner was, and she is dismissed by Countless.  LuAnn is being cryptic and defensive.  Kelly gets up, cuts Alex off, and kicks her out of the dining room.  Her parting words to Alex are that she is saving her right now.  Week three in Morocco is comedy gold.

Cindy has never seen women act this way and asks the camera if this is reality.  No Cindy, it’s reality television.  Welcome to Bravo sister.  Get out while you can.  I wonder if Cindy watched this show before she was on it.  Ramona and Sonja stroll in hours late and ask what is for dinner.  LuAnn informs them that this is not the Plaza Hotel, it’s Morocco.  LuAnn tells them the kitchen is closed and LuAnn shuts the dining room down.

Kelly is now calling Ramona weird, LuAnn has left and Kelly tells Ramona to play nice.  Ramona agrees.  It’s so funny that last year they all thought Kelly was nuts and now everyone does everything Kelly tells them to do.  Fantastic.  LuAnn is pissed, Ramona says sorry, all if forgiven but not before LuAnn tells Ramona how the country of Morocco is run.  LuAnn apologizes, sort of, and tells Ramona she is sorry about the fortuneteller. 

LuAnn tells Ramona she is there for her if she needs anything and Ramona says she does not believe her.  It’s interesting that Ramona is just blowing off the entire fortuneteller thing.  I think Mario is sleeping with Sonja.  The ladies are packing to go back to New York.  Alex snuggles up in bed with Sonja and I want to hurl.  Alex clearly has no friends and feels desperate for this time with the ladies. I almost feel bad for her.  Almost.

Kelly is going for a run before they leave, and Jill is packing.  Kelly tells her to make nice with Ramona.  Kelly is really the peacemaker this trip.  It’s a far cry from last year in St. John when she became unraveled.  Jill goes to see Ramona and the other ladies clear the room.  Jill sits down like they are the best of friends.  These chicks have memory loss at the oddest times.  Does Jill not remember the day before?

Jill tells Ramona she cares about her, they need to start fresh and be friends. Jill also tells Ramona she is a good friend to her and you have to wonder, if you are indeed a good friend do you need to tell people? Won’t they know?  Everyone is made up and friends again.  Bravo shows us a trailer for next week and we see the peace is going to last about a week.  Every week ends with the anticipation of what is to come.  Bravo.

We go from everyone scrambling to get packed, to a cooking class.  Not a lot of continuity in the editing, but I’m happy to jump around.  The girls are making lunch and watching Cindy try to cook is fabulous.  I like her.  Alex thinks Cindy is weird but only Kelly can determine who is weird.  Everyone is eating lunch and getting along.  It’s a nice way to end the trip, even though it was clearly not shot at the end.

It’s now the farewell dinner in Morocco, which is again odd since they have already packed.  A little continuity would be appreciated Bravo.  They are all putting on their custom gowns and getting their make-up done with dramatic eyes.  Back in NYC we see Mario and Simon and Mario says he hopes the ladies never come back, he thinks they are in Dubai not Morocco, and you know it’s a set up about their marriage.  Mario is a pig.

It’s the last supper, everyone is in their custom dresses, and Sonja says she made a reservation at a place where you have to be the “in” crowd to get in.  The interesting thing is the place is empty and sunlight is streaming in.  I get reality television is scripted, but it pisses me off when the think the audience is stupid.  Clearly some of them are, Lynn Hudson and her group come to mind, but come on, we see it’s not dinnertime.

They are each going to tell what their favorite part of the trip was and Alex goes first.  She is telling her story and is cut off and given a list of things she can choose from as her favorite. Everyone is bored of Alex.  It’s been a great trip to Morocco but I’m over it and ready for the girls to get back to the city.  Can’t wait to see how Ramona and Mario play out. This show is fabulous, even though it is incapable of keeping it real.

 

 

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June 7, 2011 | 9:25 am

Cancel The Bachelorette & Give Us The Bentley Show!

Posted by Ilana Angel

In the interest of keeping it real, I want to start off by saying that this show sucks and it will be hard to watch when the only entertaining thing about this show, Bentley, has left.  To clarify, just because it sucks, does not mean that I won’t watch it.  I’m watching, laughing, and wishing I could turn it off.

We all watch, knowing love it’s not going to happen, but hoping it might.  Mike Fleiss collects a massive paycheck and gets rich by treating his audience like we are stupid.  You want stupid?  Just look at Ashley. She may the most educated, yet dumbest Bachelorette they’ve ever had.

Chris Harrison comes out to share useless information and I want to cut myself.  Why ia this guy still here? Ben from New Orleans gets the first date, Jeff is still wearing his mask, and Ashley is ridiculous.  Plus, her bowlegged walk is bugging the crap out of me.  She needs surgery.

Ashley has choreographed a dance for her and Ben.  My eyes are bleeding and I want to sneak into her house and cut her bangs off because all she does is play with them and I want to seriously hold her down and shave them off.  They go to a mall for their date.

Ashley says normally she would not go to such a public place for a first date. A public place is exactly where a fame whore goes on a date.  Particularly when a camera crew is following her.  Ben has been with her an hour and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

They do a flash mob, and Ben is painfully aware he is on TV and trying to make a good impression.  Ashley’s fake laugh makes my eardrums swell and they are about to burst.  Ashley is trying to sing along to a song that she does not know the words too, just like Oprah.

Jeff takes his mask off and we immediately see that he is old enough to be her dad.  He says he is falling for her and I want to vomit into my own hand and throw it at the television.  When he takes the mask off he says, “Hi.  I’m Jeff”.  I am laughing so hard I might pee myself.

The group date is a comedy club roast of Ashley.  Sidebar: Ashley seriously has no boobs.  It’s like being with a boy.  The men are not clear how to roast her as roasts are mean, and they are trying to be funny and not hurt her feelings.  Then we get William.  Dear, fabulous William.

He is very excited for his big shot.  He thinks the roast could lead to being invited to roast a real celebrity in a couple of weeks.  He is so cute and so stupid.  He’s the only one who gets what a roast is and you’ve got to love him for knowing, and love him more for being an idiot.

Jeffrey Ross is the roast host.  He’s such a nice change of pace from Chris Harrison who bores the crap out of me.  Sidebar:  the audience is full of people they found wondering on Sunset Boulevard.  This is not a comedy club audience.  It’s probably Bachelorette staff.

The guys are tanking.  Ames is odd.  His clothes are odd, his head is odd, he’s just odd.  Then the boob jokes start.  Ashley is fake laughing but her chin is quivering, she is blushing, and you know she is going to cry.  Important to note her fake eyelashes are a nightmare.

William is up and Ashley says he will be the funniest because he knows her so well, he will be able to easily be funny but cute.  Then he drops the bomb.  He signed up for Emily or Chantal and got stuck with Ashley.  He is tanking, her chin is quivering and she is about to have a meltdown.

Her insecurity is ugly.  Not just unattractive, but ugly.  She sulks off in a corner, just close enough so the guys can see her crying, and she cries, loudly, to get someone’s attention.  Her eyelashes are stupid.  Bentley sees her and is off to work his magic.  I freaking love this guy.

Ashley has this great opportunity as the Bachelorette and she is a whiny, crying, pathetic girl who has no self-esteem.  She is young, immature and boring as hell.  I’m with William, I wish Emily or Chantal had been the Bachelorette instead of this airhead dentist wannabe.

Bentley is not into her and has wanted to bail since he saw it was not Emily.  He is a pig to be sure, but great television.  He is a jackass and a liar and she is buying it, telling the camera she feels so connected to him and she likes how he thinks.  Dear Lord, how can she be so stupid?

When he told her that at least 24 out of the 25 guys are excited it’s her, I could not laughing and he looked like he would crack up too.  It was awesome.  Ashley talks to the guys, cries, and tells them that she was hurt by the Emily comment.  Everyone thinks William is an asshole.

I thought he was funny, she is insecure, and the other guys think William is out.  William pulls her aside and tells her it was a roast and he was trying to be funny. She makes him feel bad, loses sight of the fact that he did exactly what he was supposed to do, and William says he’ll go.

Poor William.  He feels bad and it’s a drag.  Ashley is falling into a pit of depression because of her insecurity, and I want to stick my hand down my throat and remove my own kidney just so I have a reason to not watch this train wreck.  Why God?  Why is this show still on?

William is crying and thinks he should go home but won’t because he is a fame whore so he will beg for another chance.  She kisses people in an attempt to find comfort and it’s sleazy that she can put aside her heartache to make out with strangers.  Ashley is really, really dumb.

Back at the house JP gets a date card and he is excited, not knowing she is a pathetic mess following her roast.  Ashley is chatting with Bentley before they all leave.  She tells him about the warning she got about him, and he is a genius and blows it off with ease.  Perfect.

Ashley tells Bentley that if he leaves it will be hardest thing she’s ever been through.  Really?  She has known him for five minutes. Mike Fleiss is making a fool out of her.  He tells her she can come on the show and have a shot at love but instead he humiliates her.

Ashley gives the rose to Ryan, and Bentley is pissed.  He’s leaving because he cannot stand her.  Best line ever:  “I’m going to make Ashley cry, but I hope my hair looks okay.”  I think Bentley rocks.  One could argue that he is a great guy for bailing. A stretch, but possible.

He is not telling her the reason he is leaving.  We all know, but he’s telling her in a way that is not mean.  He could have told her the truth, which by the way would have been brilliant.  But instead he gives all the good stuff to the camera.  The editor of this show is sick and twisted.  Bravo.

Bentley’s dumping of Ashley is, if you are able to look at the bigger picture, quite lovely.  He does not give any indication to Ashley that she is the most boring and flat chested woman on the planet.  She plays with her bangs and you know she is thinking it’s about her lack of boobs.

Ashley is truly pathetic. Truly. She tells Bentley he had her heart and he is just playing along and I love him. When he shows us how he kissed her, and grabbed her ass, I could not stop laughing.  How must she feel watching it back?  I’d be pissed at the producers if I were her.

He finally leaves after what seems like an hour, she crawls into bed and cries, going on and on about how she does not know how she will go on because he’s gone and she loved him.  If I were the guy she picks in the end, watching this show, I would dump her ass.

It’s date night with JP and he is walking into her pit of despair.  It’s dinner at home for him.  Total rip off. She says she is not sure she can recover from the loss of love with Bentley and fall in love again before the show is over. It’s been a week Ashley.  You can do it.

Ashley is with JP and she is talking with her mouth full of food, and is always picking her teeth with her tongue.  She says she wants to put on pajamas and veg.  How convenient that JP brought his pajamas.  She puts on flannel and glasses and eases her pain by making out with JP.

She is bawling one minute about Bentley leaving, then says JP is a better kisser. Just when I think I want to jump off my building to avoid this show, it gets worse because Chris Harrison is back and he is going on and on with useless things that we don’t care about.

We skip the cocktails and go straight to the roses.  William gets a rose and Jeff the mask guy and Chris D. are out.  Chris, who spent 2 minutes with her, says he is crushed because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Jeff burns his mask and I cannot stop laughing.

The show ends with an outtake of Bentley fixing his hair while Jeff sits on the toilet, with his mask, reading the newspaper.  That’s reality television at its finest. Mike Fleiss should be humiliated and ABC should be embarrassed, because nobody associated with this show is keeping it real.

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