February 22, 2012 | 9:28 am

The Bachelor – Hometown Dates Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

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We are hitting the home stretch and as it is every season around this time, I am reaching my breaking point.  I love this show so much that I can’t stand that it’s almost over.  By love it of course I mean it is total crap and I am counting down the minutes until it is finally over.

We start with Lindzi at her parent’s horse farm in Florida.  Lindzi calls Ben her boyfriend and pronounces the word dad weird.  The good news is she appears to have finally brushed her hair.  The bad news is it did not help.  As for Ben, I don’t think he has washed his hair the entire season.

Lindzi tells Ben she almost got married and he seems so surprised.  Why? She dated a guy for a year and almost got married, he dated a girl for five minutes and asked her to marry him.  That is shocking.  Ben always feels so moved when the girls share as if it’s something special.  Ben is a putz.

Lindzi says she is feeling vulnerable and admits to Ben it is a big word for her.  Ben is so dumb he thinks she is talking about being vulnerable on an emotional level, but what she meant was she rarely uses such big words and vulnerable is literally, just a big word for her.

Lindzi is a beautiful girl and I like her parents.  It was sweet that Lindzi and Ben had their first date at SF City Hall, because that is where her parents got married.  They are all very comfortable together and it’s sweet, but Lindzi pronounces dad like Dawd and it sounds ridiculous.

Listening to Ben talk about his search for love makes my ears bleed.  I get a severe lower back pain and worry I might pass out.  That is how gross it is. Ben should never have been the bachelor and that I invested in this season is proof that it is not about being good, just addictive.

Up next is Kacie B. and they are in Tennessee.  This is a super sweet girl but boring as hell.  She loves him more than the others, which lets us know that she is as dumb as she is cute.  She is talking about how the visit will change her life, and so it safe to assume she is going home.

Kacie B is talking about her grandparents and Ben could care less.  He is not even pretending to be interested in her.  He’s checked out and it’s hilarious because he is talking about how great she is, but it‘s all crap.  She is fake laughing and he wants to get the hell out of there.

They get to her parents house and immediately sit for dinner, which was weird.  No hanging out to get to know each other.  Plus, they have set the table only on one side so they are sitting like it’s a scene from the last supper and you just know Kacie B is getting her heart broken.

Kacie B tells her sister she acts how people want her to act, so is what we saw a lie?  Kacie B is young, inexperienced, and you know when he let’s her go she will crumble and blame herself for not being good enough.  Poor girl.  This is not going to go well and she knows it.

Sidebar:  If Kacie B is the only Kacie left, why are we all still calling her Kacie B?  Her parents are very sweet, but just not into it.  Kacie’s dad gives Ben permission to let her go.  Her parents mean well, but they blew this for her.  It was never going to be her, but they killed it.

I feel bad for Kacie.  The hometown date is a disaster but you have to wonder if she loves Ben, or is just trying to escape what appears to be a very rigid life.  She’s trying to break free, and this would have been a great way to do it, but in the end Ben’s just not into her.

Our next trip is to Texas with Nicki.  I don’t get her, or him with her.  I am going to skip over this entire hometown because I’m not buying them together.  He keeps her because she puts no pressure on him so he can focus on banging Courtney and falling in love with Lindzi.

We now travel to Arizona to see skanky Courtney.  She is trying to sound innocent and kind.  She wants us to think she has been reflective and looking back at her experience, but I can think about is that she is pathological and just dirty.  Clearly her parents have no idea how slutty she is.

Courtney’s sister looks like Khloe Kardashian, and her mom and dad are super cute.  Courtney’s parents have the last supper table too and it’s lame looking. Her overbite is bothersome, her oily skin is bugging me, and her family is cute.  When they watch the season they must be mortified.

Important to note Courtney is really lovely with her parents and had she played this differently, we might have been on her side.  Instead she came is as a manipulative whore and we don’t like her.  In the end she made her bed, slept in it with Ben, and he is not going to pick her.

Skanky and dirty go out for a picnic and she tells him she is ready for love with him.  She sets up a fake wedding as a way to tell him she loves him. Could this check be any weirder?  I find this whole scene to be both disturbing and hilarious.  That he is not running away is fascinating.

They are writing fake vows and he is actually taking it seriously and telling us why he might love her.  Dear Lord.  This is an all time low for this show.  A clergyman of some kind comes out and tells them to recite their vows.  It is so lame that I am now screaming at my television.

He reads his vows and she’s blown away, asking him if he just wrote them right there.  Really?  No Courtney, you moron, he wrote them after your first date and has been carrying them around in his filthy hair should he ever be put in a position to have a fake wedding with you.

Courtney reads her vows and I am dying!  She is reciting a scene from Sex and the City!  The one in Paris when Carrie is breaking up with Petrovsky.  Dear Lord.  This chick is a freak. She tells him she loves him, he falls for it, and I am wasting good wine by projectile vomiting.

Important to note if Ben gives Courtney the final rose my head may explode.  The final two will be Lindzi and Courtney, and it could go either way.  America will hate him if he picks Courtney, but we hate him now so who cares.  This show makes me sick every single season.

First rose goes to Courtney, second one to Lindzi and the third to Nicki.  Poor little Kacie B is out and she is, as expected, crushed.  She handles herself like a lady, which makes it even more painful to watch. She then loses it and the depth of her pain is out in the open for all to see.

She stands there in shock looking at Ben for answers.  Nicki and Lindzi hug her, but Skanky does not.  They sit together for a minute while she cries, he tells her he’s sorry, and instead of him comforting Kacie, she is comforting him.  Ben is a schmuck and she is lucky he dumped her.

She is in the car and losing it.  She is bawling, wondering why she was not good enough, and what is wrong with her.  Poor girl.  There is nothing wrong with you Kacie.  Ben is a pig, and a whore.  You are a sweet girl.  You are young and will find love.  Stop crying.  It’s embarrassing.

Then sweet Kacie drops F bombs as she wonders what happened.  I know she’s sad but I am loving her reaction.  Back in the house Ben tells the girls they are headed to Switzerland.  Next week looks like it has typical fake twists and turns as we get down to the final two.

Every season I watch this show with the hope it will work, and love will be found.  In the end it never happens and I find myself screaming at the television and drinking a lot of wine.  That is the life of a Bachelor blogger. Trying to not become an alcoholic, while keeping it real.

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February 20, 2012 | 9:56 pm

Bethenny is Back and Nothing has Changed

Posted by Ilana Angel

Before we get started, let me say Bethenny announcing she had a miscarriage on the day her show premieres is odd.  This woman pees in a bucket on camera and lets the world know when she has sex, but is not going to announce this while on the way to the hospital?

One other thing is that if you are taking antibiotics, take them with water.  Chances of a pill burning a hole in your esophagus are the same as burning a hole from excessive vomiting.  That can also be learned on the Internet, which is how Bethenny self-diagnosed herself.

The new season of Bethenny Ever After begins with the announcement that she has sold Skinny Girl.  It’s sucks that reality television is so far behind reality.  Hard to watch when you know how it is going to end. Bethenny is back, not looking healthy, and not looking happy.

Bethenny tells us she needs to go to celebrity school to learn how to follow the rules.  Rule number 1: don’t have your husband follow you around like a lost puppy.  Rule number 2: don’t build your empire on the bodies of people you have stepped on to get to the top.

At her sangria launch she is hanging out with Hoda and taking full responsibility for Hoda’s love life.  She runs into Shawn the event planner, who gives a better kiss to Jason than Bethenny.  We also learn that Bethenny is going to discover “paying it forward”.

Nick is at the party and I love him.  He is a terrific kid and Bethenny tries to be funny with him, but it’s not funny.  Cut the kids some slack and try to respect how respectful he is of you.  Bethenny tells us she was never interested in being in the gossip rags.  Vomit #1 for me.

Bethenny and Jason have bought a new apartment.  To hear Bethenny tell it, it’s her apartment and he will just live there with her and her baby. Think what you want about Bethenny, she makes really beautiful babies. Bryn Hoppy is a gorgeous and super sweet baby.  Nice to see Cookie too.

Bethenny brings up the lawsuits against her and bravo to her for putting it all out there.  The thing is, she is selective about what she talks about.  She can say she is being sued and it’s stressful, yet lies about being lost at sea. I imagine with so many lies she is simply confused sometimes.

Bethenny has a million people working in her apartment.  This chick needs to get an office.  If she has so much money why not get a temporary space so people can work without sitting on each other?  Why?  Because this way looks better for the fake and made up situations of her show.

There is a bunch of chit chat with her minions and I’m not listening because I need to find something to tie my hair back because I know a hurl is coming at any moment.  Important to note that I don’t care what your body looks like, short shorts and heals is not cute after 40.

Bethenny is at a photo shoot whining about how she has changed, but it’s never enough.  She is complaining about Jason and I don’t get it. She is bitching about not wanting to see her in-laws and we learn she and Jason are fighting a lot.  I actually feel bad for her.

By feel bad for her of course I mean that karma is knocking on her door and she is clearly not prepared.  I think she thought she could hold karma off for a while longer.  The weight of her decisions is starting to get heavy and her childlike body cannot handle the pressure.

Jason is sweet with the baby.  Bethenny tells us she cleans all the time and having sex is not interesting when your kid is taking a crap on the floor.  That’s a nice mention of her daughter.  Bethenny used to be edgy and funny, but now she goes for shock not laughs.

She let’s us know they are not having sex and there are cobwebs on her husbands junk.  How this man puts up with her is beyond me.  I would be mortified if this is the picture that was painted of my life at home.  Money is sexy but is public humiliation worth it?  I vote no.

Bethenny meets a friend for lunch and let’s us know she spends her weekends with Bryn and not Jason.  Exactly what kind of marriage do they have?  Bethenny is a namedropper and truly believes she is on par with a real celebrity so good for her.  Delusion can be lots of fun.

We have now gone from talking about Jason’s junk to her vagina.  Honestly, what is she thinking?  This is what she wants her child to look back on and see?  Bethenny is all about Bethenny.  She is talking a lot about how much she enjoys being alone and loves it when Jason has plans.

We learn that Jason goes to church every week, and he goes alone.  I think it’s sad that she does not share in his faith.  It’s fake therapy time and I am on vomit #3.  This doctor is a quack, and you can actually see her lying, her liking the lie, and running with the story.  Fascinating.

We learn that Bethenny forced Jason into a pre-nup of some kind that he is now not happy with it.  She talks openly about how he does not trust her, and she needs to assure him she will not screw him over.  She screws everyone else over so why would she not screw over Jason?

Bethenny is out with Lisa Lampanelli and their conversation is vulgar, not funny, hurtful to Jason, and I’m skipping over it.  By skipping over it of course I mean pouring myself a drink. These chicks are offensive and Bethenny appears to be losing her hair.

Jason calls to say he has the keys to the apartment, but when Bethenny goes to meet him she is in a different outfit, so it was on another day, which is lame.  I’d be curious to know if they both own the apartment, or just Bethenny.  LOL.  Like we don’t know the answer to that question.

It’s a beautiful apartment but it feels like Jason is the broker showing it to her, not the owner.  I think it’s sad that she wants her office in the house. Poor Jason is an afterthought.  She has managed to turn his family into a business and that is a shame for him and for their baby.

I hear that Bethenny has said this will be the last year of her reality show. By the looks of the coming attractions, it could be the last year of her marriage too.  Bethenny is an interesting egg.  She has clearly struggled, and I’m not taking anything away from her, but she is hard to watch.

She lies about everything, gets caught in her lies, then slaps gag orders on those who reveal her lies.  That’s got to be an exhausting way to live your life.  At the end of the day if Bethenny is great at anything, her gift in life is being able to live it without keeping it real.

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February 20, 2012 | 6:42 pm

Celebrity Apprentice is Entertainment Gold

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been waiting for this show for months.  I love it and this is the first season that they truly have brought in the celebrities.  Granted some are D-Listers, but they are all interesting, actually known, and bring their attitudes along with egos the size of Manhattan.  It’s going to be great!

I love Donald Trump on this show.  I would rather stick my hand down my own throat and remove my own kidney than have him as my President, but when it come to Apprentice, this man is brilliant.  He shines here.  From the hair, to the inflated sense of self, this man rocks it all.

The players:

Clay Aiken – American Idol runner up, never going to win
Michael Andretti – Racecar legend, never going to win
Adam Carolla – Radio host, never going to win
Tia Carrere – Has been, never going to win
Lou Ferrigno – the original Incredible Hulk, he’s got a shot
Debbie Gibson – Has been, total bitch, never going to win
Teresa Giudice – Real Housewife, she’s got a shot
Victoria Gotti – Mafia Princess, never going to win
Arsenio Hall – Talk show legend, never going to win
Penn Jillette – Vegas showman, he’s got a shot
Lisa Lampanelli – Comedienne, never going to win
Dayana Mendoza – Beauty Queen, never going to win
Aubrey O’Day – Fame whore, never going to win
Dee Snider – Twisted Sister front man, he’s got a shot
George Takei – Star Trek legend, never going to win
Paul Teutul, Sr. – American Chopper dad, never going to win
Patricia Velásquez – No clue who she is, never going to win
Cheryl Tiegs – Supermodel, never going to win

I love this group and before the show even stared I had my favorites.  I am pulling for Teresa Guidice, Lou Ferrigno, George Takei and Adam Carolla. Before we get started, let me just say I think Aubrey O’Day is a moron and it will be near impossible to be kind when it comes to her.

It’s men against women.  The men’s team is called “Unanimous”, and women’s team is called “Forte”.  Sidebar:  Victoria Gotti’s hair weighs more than she does, Paul Teutel appears to be void of any personality, and George Takai is going to be eaten alive by the sharks grasping at fame.

The first task is to sell sandwiches.  The team who raises the most money, tips included, wins the task.  Paul Sr. is the project manager for the men and Patricia is the leader for the women. Paul Sr. throws out that he will bring in 500K and says he will do it himself if he has to.  Red flag.

The men are cohesive right out of the gate, although it seems to me that Paul Sr. might be a little homophobic.  The women are gunning for each other from the start.  Aubrey is too dumb for words and Debbie Gibson is just mean.  We are 30 minutes in and I am hooked.

Michael Andretti comes in to replace his son Marco who backed out after the loss of racecar driver Dan Wheland in Las Vegas.  It’s nice that he came to fill in and lovely when Dee Snider asks about Marco before discussing the task.  I like Dee, and I love his wife, so I hope he does well.

Debbie Gibson is bashing everyone and Aubrey thinks she is the greatest thing ever.  These two broads know they don’t have a shot in hell of winning so they are trying to be controversial so they get press time. Not working.  We just think your lame and ready for the boot.

Watching Cheryl try to separate slices of cheese was a little sad and poor George is super sweet and being disrespected, which is also sad. Victoria bails on the group ride over and I’m not digging her.  She buys into her own hype too much and thinks she has the power of her dad.

Victoria thinks she tore her cornea or her retina.  Translation:  her mascara took a little longer than she anticipated.  Lou Ferrigno tales off his shirt and let me just say, yummy, yummy ding dong.  Penn is working his magic on the street and drumming up business.  I like him a lot.

For the women, Teresa is working the crowd, while Aubrey wants us to believe she is charming. Translation:  She is a moron. Sandwiches are selling and while Wycelf came to support the women, the vibe at the men’s shop is much more fun.  Did I mention Aubrey is an idiot?

Clay is hustling and it’s cute.  Over with the women, they are also bringing in money.  Andy Cohen from Bravo comes by, but Patricia is the one bringing in the most celebs and the most money.  Russell Simmons wants a vegan sandwich for Cheryl and Victoria whip up one.

Trump calls and tells each team to take a sandwich to the Rachael Ray show and she is going to pick her favorite sandwich, and that team will win money.  Rachael Ray is not an opinion I would care about but whatever.  She tries them both and a winner will be announced at the end.

The men have slacked on their fundraising because they are all saving their donors for when they are project manager.  They are trusting that Paul Sr. will do what he said which is lame, but I would have done the same.  Patricia is invested which means we know she will lose.

The task is over and we are in the boardroom. Patricia says Tia did great, but Tia says she can be brought into the boardroom if they lose.  Man she is dumb.  Patricia says the two weakest players are Victoria and Cheryl.  Cheryl is getting beat down and Victoria is not standing for it.

Paul Sr. says the men were great and the stand out player was Penn, then he is mean to George.  It was sad because George worked hard and I think it was a homophobic thing.  He clearly has no clue who Clay Aiken is, or that he is gay.  He also throws Arsenio under the bus.

The biker dude is over the black guy and gay man. It is official, I love George and am now hoping he kicks ass and lasts longer than Paul Sr.  Paul Sr. calls him meek and for a minute I think George might cry.  Adam points out Paul is bagging on the minorities, which is hilarious.

Rachael Ray picks the men as having the best sandwich and they win a bonus $35K.  Trump then talks to Lou and let’s be very clear, this man is delicious. I adore him and am so glad he is on this show.  I loved watching him when I was a kid and I hope this is a great comeback for him.

The women raise a total of $127K and the men bring in a total of $332K. Now it gets a little weird.  With the bonus money they raised $367K.  Paul Sr. says he raised $305K from one gift, so if you take off the bonus, they brought in $27K in sales.  Who gives a donation of $305K?

I think the donation came from Paul Sr. himself and so technically while not cheating, is a little unethical.  I feel bad for Patricia because she really kicked ass and earned the win.  To see her lose the money she raised is heartbreaking.  Celebrity Apprentice is a bunch of sharks.

Paul wins almost $500K for Make a Wish which is great, but still sad for Patricia.  Sidebar:  exactly how much make up is Aubrey wearing?  Debbie Gibson looks great and clearly takes care of herself, but she’s obviously had some filler.  A couple of hundred times.

Cheryl is getting eaten alive.  She is quiet, not aggressive, and you know it’s going to be over for her. They are also after Victoria so there are a lot of mafia jokes, which is dumb.  Aubrey tries to throw in the Diddy card and in the end looks like an idiot.  I can’t wait for her to get fired.

The boardroom was catty, which is expected, but it got personal which was surprising for day one.  I get that everyone is trying to save themselves, but it was just mean.  That’s how chicks roll no matter how old they are I guess. We are stuck in high school for our entire lives.

Cheryl is sweet and I feel for her, but they are trashing her and she agrees she is not cut out for this kind of thing.  Trump is really lovely to her, and in the end fires her.  God bless Cheryl for coming out, but as expected, she’s fired.  She came, she tried, she failed.

This show is so good!  I have loved the past seasons, but this year I am interested in almost all of the players which makes it more fun.  I have my favorites, the ones I’m gunning for, and the ones I know will surprise me. Celebrity Apprentice is back, brilliant, and keeping it real.

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February 20, 2012 | 8:19 am

Mob Wives – Mothers & Muthas

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and look forward to it every Sunday night.  For a reality television blogger Sunday nights are rough because there are so many shows on, but I watch this for me.  I am a fan and writing about it is a pleasure. These women are fascinating and the more we get to know them, the stronger my opinions are.  I am on team Drita.

We start with Drita is who learning to box.  She is trying to get out her aggression so she will stop fighting with people, but also to toughen her up when she has to deal with douche bags.  Drita is hilarious and her vocabulary is very entertaining. She is all the things Karen wishes she were. Under her tough bravado, Drita is a sweet girl.

Karen is out with Ramona and is hearing about Ramona’s visit with Carla. Ramona wishes she was hardcore like Drita, but she’s not.  She likes the sound of her own voice and goes on and on just so she can hear it.  Karen is stumbling through English, trying to sound smart, but it’s not happening. Karen then tells us she respects people who are loyal.

Really?  Does she respect her dad?  The only reason she is on this show, or has any level of success in television, is because her dad was not loyal.  I think it’s hilarious that she has the balls to say she respects loyalty when the lack of loyalty in her own family is what is paying her bills.  I don’t get Karen and she is the weakest link on this show.

Carla is out with Drita and is going to tell her she saw Ramona.  It’s crappy that she did not tell her ahead of time.  Carla is not loyal to Drita and I don’t think she can be trusted.  Carla has balls to say she is best friends with Drita, when she did not have Drita’s back in the meeting.  I feel oddly protective of Drita and hope she sees Carla is shady.

We are now with Big Ang and we meet her new baby “Little Louie”.  I freaking love this woman and I love her dog.  From her voice to her attitude, I am seriously enamored with this woman.  The guy she was dating was supposed to buy her a dog but when he turned out to be a douche bag she bought one herself.  I want Ang to be my neighbor.

Karen is meeting with a media coach because she needs help with the media tour of her book.  She lets us know she is an “escape goat”, and also not an aggressive person.  Is Karen high?  She is uneducated, unable to speak English properly, painfully aggressive, and making money off the pain and suffering her father caused.  I don’t get this chick.

She tells us this is what she believes in and what she stands for, but what does that mean?  She believes in cashing in on the history of her dad?  She believes in abandoning her child for 15 minutes of fame?  She believes in pretending she is a hardass when really she is just a housewife from Arizona?  I won’t be reading Karen’s book.

Renee and Junior are going to couples therapy and we get to watch.  I’m not a fan of therapy on reality television as I think it’s unethical. That said, this is a super cute therapist and I totally dig him.  Junior is saying he was unprepared for marriage and unfaithful, and Renee is all over it.  She is crying and sabotaging the therapy.

I feel bad for Renee whio is teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Renee has issues because she loved Junior completely and she cannot handle that he did not love her back the same way.  It’s heartbreaking to watch.  I’m sure Junior loved her, as best he could, but he is what he is and she should have never taken him back.

We know Junior is bad for Renee and has hurt her family, but she needs to find a place in her heart and mind to believe that he loved her once.  She has her beautiful son AJ, and she is going to be fine.  He hurt her and she does not need to make excuses or defend herself.  She is not to blame for any of the crap Junior did.  Junior is a douche bag.

Drita and Big Ang are at the dog park with Louie.  Big Ang is talking about being lonely and wanting to be with someone, and Drita has been alone for so long she ‘s not into having a man anymore.  She still loves Lee so she will work through it all.  Drita tells Ang about Carla meeting with Ramona and I am again annoyed that Carla showed no loyalty to Drita.

I love Ang and think her advice to Drita, and all the ladies actually, is spot on.  Big Ang is funny and sweet and looks out for her friends.  She is the Godmother of this group and she needs to be around more.  Big Ang is good people and good television.  Over with Renee, she is on the phone with Junior and begging him to forgive her.

Watching Renee and Junior is sad.  She undervalues herself, asking him to take her back, and she is saying sorry, when she does not need to.  It’s troubling because we’ve all done it.  I have had the same conversation with a man who I knew was bad for me, but I loved him and could not bear to lose him.  I think we are all praying for Renee to get strong.

Ramona goes to court to support her boyfriend who has been arrested. Renee goes to support Ramona and hearing them talk about this lifestyle is interesting.  It’s a little sad because they did not choose this life as much as it chose them.  The mob is real, these women are real, and this show puts the reality into reality television.  I love this show.

Drita is talking to her daughter, who asks her mom if she has ever been in a fight.  Drita is fantastic.  She is not sure hat to tell her daughter so she tries to evade the question when the phone rings and its Lee.  Watching Drita cry when she talks to Lee is heartbreaking.  She wants a divorce but she loves him, but you see her torment.

Lee is telling her they should be friends so it does not get ugly and I can’t tell if it was threatening, or just his trying to be nice.  I don’t get how you stay in love with someone who goes away to prison for years on end, but love has no explanation and it’s not for us to understand.  I hope Drita finds peace, finds love, and is happy.

Ramona is out with her four kids, and tells them her boyfriend has gone to jail.  Really?  Did she not tell us the relationship was new with this guy?  Why drag her kids into it.  Why put these kids on the show at all?  There is a difference between being a mother and being a mutha and this just does not seem motherly to me. I feel bad for the kids.

They are beautiful and innocent and should have been protected a little more from the effects of this show, and her choices.  Over with Karen, she is talking to the father of her child and he is mad at her for leaving Arizona.  It sounds scripted which is a drag because he is as bad as of actor as Karen is.  She goes off on him and it’s silly.

She stutters, stumbles on her words, and clearly does not remember the things she wrote down for herself to say.  At the end of the day Karen left her daughter to pursue her own life and it’s sad. There is no way that little girl does not feel abandoned.  We all make choices as women and hers have made her a mutha not a mother.

Karen is at a photo shoot for a mob magazine that is doing an interview with her.  She is being asked questions, not answering any of them, and again trying to liken herself to her dad.  Really Karen?  You are not your dad, you are simply riding on his coattails to make a little money.  We don’t blame you, go what you need to do, just stop being lame.

Drita is with Carla and Renee, telling them that Lee called to say sorry.  Drita lets us know all men are pigs, but criminals are on a whole other level.  They are all struggling with their husbands and it’s sad.  Criminal or not, mob or not, when a man breaks your heart it hurts the same.  Renee is once again slipping to the edge and it’s very sad.

It’s a drag that this show was shot so long ago because we know what is happening now and waiting for the show to catch up.  To hear Renee say she is not going to get her happily ever after, now that we know what he did to her and her family, makes her words prophetic and powerful. Seeing this all unfold is a little uncomfortable.

I watched the after show and it was lame.  The host was an idiot, her necklace was weird, and the relationship expert they brought out to talk to Renee and Carla was a moron.  I will be watching next week, but will pass on the after show.  These women are entertaining and intimidating, always riveting, and truly keeping it real.

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February 19, 2012 | 10:16 pm

My Final Real Housewives of Atlanta Blog

Posted by Ilana Angel

I tried to recap tonight’s episode from Africa and in the end just could not do it.  These chicks are shallow, petty, pathetic, jealous, bitchy and catty.  I could not get through it.  I am over these women and will no longer write about it.  I am checking out of Atlanta for good.  However, not before I give one final opinion of the “ladies”.

Cynthia:  This woman has two very separate personalities.  The one she shows to the talls and the one she saves for the smalls.  She is not loyal to anyone, and is just so dumb I find her hard to take.  I feel bad for her because I think she is inherently kind, but she is a robot and sucks up to whoever she is with.  We have no idea what her real opinions are.

Kandi:  Deep down in her talented self, she is really mean.  By deep down of course I mean she wears it on the surface.  This woman is skanky in what she is willing to talk about sexually when she has a young daughter.  I think she is rude, a troublemaker, immature and comes across as dirty not classy.  I would not want to be her friend because you cannot trust her.

Kim: If this chick thinks we believe for one minute she would have gone to Africa she is insane.  There is no way she is taking her wig collection on safari.  Kim got exactly what she wanted with her husband, new baby, and own reality show so good for her, but don’t think we are as dumb as you Kim. You were never going to Africa and we all know it Sweetie.

NeNe:  I like NeNe and think she is the breakout star of this show, but even she is not entertaining enough for me to watch this crap fest. The best thing NeNe can do for herself is walk away from this pathetic show, focus on her career outside of Bravo, take care of her kids, dump the creepy Italian, and try to win back the fans she lost along the way.

Phaedra:  Of all the women on the show Phaedra should be the most embarrassed.  She talks about being a Southern belle and how she is the most sophisticated of the group, but in the end this woman is not that classy if she continues to be on a show that is so unladylike.  This is not a show for ladies, so one can assume she really is not one.

Sheree:  This woman is simply not appealing.  She cannot speak English, has no respect for her friends, her children, or herself.  She is a grown woman who lives off her mother and I don’t get it.  She has not finished anything she started on this show, from her clothing line to her house, and there is nothing credible about her.  Lying is not cute Sheree.

If I were a strong and fabulous southern woman these women would piss me off to no end.  I don’t know much about the south, but I know enough to say that these women are embarrassing themselves, Atlanta, black women, and women in general.  I have been to Atlanta several times and it is a great city so it’s a shame these women are who Bravo has representing.

And so my blogging days about the unreal women of Atlanta comes to an end. I am not going to waste my time watching them, let alone writing about them. I checked out of Orange Country this week also, which is not a good sign for Bravo. They better figure this train wreck out because we are bored.  Time to take a close look at the franchise and start keeping it real.

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February 16, 2012 | 4:27 pm

The Real Housewives of Orange County are Over

Posted by Ilana Angel

I watched last weeks premier of RHOC and it took me 3 hours because I was so bored I stopped several times. These women are not interesting and have become a cliché.  Between the nipped bodies, plumped up faces, bleached hair, and fake friendships, I am done.  This is my one and only blog on this very tired show.

The ladies are having dinner at Vickie’s house and it is beyond stupid.  By stupid of course I mean these women are so stupid they don’t understand they have signed onto a show we all watch with the sole purpose of laughing at them.  We are mocking you, and think you are pathetic.  Good choices ladies. Let the public humiliation begin.

Tamra and Gretchen have decided to be friends and I’m not buying it. This show is so desperate for excitement they are making these chicks do stuff that is not real, and they are so dumb and such fame whores, that they do it.  There is a new chick, Heather, who once again proves there are no cool Jews on reality television.

Tamra is a bitch and a moron. Gretchen is a bitch and a moron.  Alexis is a bitch and a moron.  Vicki is a bitch and a moron.  Not sure about Heather yet, but I think we can safely assume she will end up being a bitch.  Probably not a moron but she agreed to go this show so it won’t be a great leap to being a moron for her. They are having Cajun food because Vicki is proud as it’s the cuisine of the south where her boyfriend is from.  Important to note, her boyfriend is a douchelord who has been arrested for failure to pay child support.  He is into her money and I do not believe she is anything other than a money train.  I could be wrong, but I’m not.

Tamra and Gretchen are friends but Tamra is calling out Gretchen for having her lips done, which she denies.  We are supposed to believe her lips got twice as big from the plumper she sells?  Tamra is good friends with Vicki, but she is trashing her dinner.  Tamra is not a good friend, or girlfriend apparently. Peggy is digging at Alexis and it’s uncomfortable.  Peggy is calling Alexis dumb which is hilarious because Peggy is not that sharp.  Peggy slept with Alexis’s husband Jim back in the day and Alexis cannot forgive her for not telling her.  Peggy totally should have told her, but so should have her husband.

Peggy approaches Alexis and Alexis handles herself quite nicely.  She is calm, but wrong.  Her husband banged a chick, then met her, let her be friends with his old sex buddy, and never told her.  Peggy was a money whore so you can forgive her the indiscretion, but her husband should have told her. Peggy feels bad and cries to Vicki and Tamra.  She tells them Jim is shady and implies he could have had her hurt if she told Alexis.  Jim was a pig, is a pig, and will always be a bog.  I get Alexis is mad, but move on and direct your anger at the pig not the whore.  Peggy announces she is out of the group.

We get a formal introduction to Heather and I am wondering if she is Jewish by birth or converted to marry her husband.  I’m betting she is a convert. I like her because she is bold and speaks her mind, but she pulls the Jew card early and it sets her up for being labeled the crazy Jew who is a snob and only cares about money.  Sidebar:  I hate it when Jews are not cool on television.  I have been waiting years for a cool Jew to be on reality TV. Her house is beautiful, her kids are beautiful, her husband is lovely, and she is a stereotyped parody of what people think Jews are like.  It’s a shame. Bravo sucks when it comes to Jews on TV.

Tamra and Eddie, along with Vickie and Brooks are going to Catalina for the weekend.  Tamra is talking to Eddie and it sounds lame and rehearsed. Tamra is not at all interesting and he’s sweet so I don’t get it.  Vicki calls Brooks and says, “It’s Vickie”, and he says, “Hi Vicki”, and it’s awkward.  She immediately tells him what to bring, what to wear, and it has to be the things she bought for him.  I don’t get how anyone is into a woman like this.  You cannot have any balls when hers are so big.  Over to Gretchen, that she is still with Slade makes no sense.  He is a pig and leaching off of her.

We are off to Catalina and get our first look at Brooks up close and personal. He’s creepy.  He gives her a card and I’m not paying attention to what it says because I am focused on Vicki’s face, which is so puffy and full of filler that she looks like a freak.  Even her dimples look smaller because her face is so swollen.  We then take a quick trip to LA to see Gretchen doing a photo shoot with one of her painfully ugly handbags.  She is naked, Slade is being emasculated, and her laugh is nails on a chalkboard.  He is useless, she publicly humiliates him, and I almost feel bad for him.  By almost of course I mean I don’t feel bad at all.

Back to Catalina, Vicki is a bitch, her boyfriend is a loser, Eddie is wasting his time, and Tamra crosses the line.  Vicki and Eddie are playing around and flirt in a super cute way.  Tamra gets upset and puts the hand of Brooks on her boob.  Eddie is pissed, Vickie is shocked, and Brooks is mortified. The episode ends with Eddie and Tamra fighting.  I am honestly over this show.  If I stumble upon it I might tune in, if I have wine, but my blogging of the RHoOC has come to an end.  I wish them well, hope Heather is not a crazy Jewish bitch, and officially give up on their ever keeping it real.

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February 14, 2012 | 9:01 am

The Bachelor Belize Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

We have reached the point of the season where every single thing Ben does annoys us, and we realize how truly weird he is.  He is not a catch, he is a pig. He is not romantic, he is slutty.  He needs to wash his hair, stop pretending these fabulous dates have anything to do with him, and grow up.  He is making all of his decisions with his little friend, not his head.

We are in Belize, which is gorgeous, and hearing Ben talk about it like he is a native makes me want to chew on glass, as that will be more entertaining.  I am once again amazed by what these poor girls are willing to do to end up with this man.  This show is a nightmare but I cannot get enough of it.  Love will not be found so why are we so invested in these pathetic kids?

We have 6 women left and tonight we go down to 4 with hometown dates next week.  Chris is in Belize explaining how the show works to the girls because none of them have ever seen it and have no idea what is going to happen.  These girls are really dumb and don’t get that we watch because it is crack, not because we care about Ben or his fake girlfriends.

Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and as she puts on her makeup I find myself screaming at the television for her to brush her hair. This chick refuses to brush the back of her head.  Nicki is having a meltdown in the first five minutes and so you know there will be drama.  By drama of course I mean the need for me to drink to numb the pain of this show.

Ben and Lindzi head off in a helicopter and we listen to the sappy music while Lindzi tells us how in love she is with a complete stranger she has known for a couple of weeks and spent a few hours with.  It’s very romantic.  They head out to a coral reef and are going to jump from the helicopter into the water. Really?  She is terrified but she is going to do it for love!

Who would really put aside all of their massive fears to jump out of a helicopter for man who is making out with five other women?  Someone desperate with no real sense of self would be my guess.  Lindzi tells us if you love someone enough you can do anything and I am laughing, pouring more wine, and thankful I am not young and stupid.

Its time for dinner and it’s hilarious because they are walking along a pier, come across pillows, blankets and candles when Lindzi asks if it is for them.  Really?  No Lindzi, it is for another date in the middle of the night for another couple that is selling their dignity for fifteen minutes of fame you silly girl.  These people become less entertaining every week.

Lindzi has a weird annunciation problem, and her hair looks like crap, again. Their date is lame, and the letter in the bottle activity would be sweet in real life, but here just looks ridiculous.  Lindzi is annoying me to no end, and back at the house Emily gets the next one-on-one date and Courtney is crying and bitching about how sad she is that it’s not her.

Emily getting a date is stupid because he is not into her.  She complained about Courtney and he’s can’t get past it, but is being forced by the producers to take her out.  She is funny and a little quirky, but there is just no way he is keeping her.  Too much time has passed for him to catch up with her, but he will make out with her because he is a complete pig.

Ben and Emily are going to catch their own lobsters for dinner and Emily says she loves how spontaneous Ben is.  I cannot stop laughing because every step this man takes, and every word he says, is planned out. There is nothing spontaneous about him.  Watching the lobsters get caught is disgusting to me and I’m skipping over the carnage.

Back at the hotel Courtney is crying about how sad she is Ben is giving Emily, who was so mean to her, so much attention.  If you mute your television during this part and make up your own dialogue with Courtney talking about what a loser she is and that she cannot believe she is there getting famous, it’s much more entertaining than what she is really saying.

Emily tells Ben she is sorry she wasted so much talking about Courtney by talking about Courtney.  Back at the house Courtney is being a spoiled brat and totally grossing out the other women.  Courtney is a troll with a weird mouth and she is nauseating.  I also think she is bi-polar.  She is whining, then laughing, then crying, then being a cocky bitch.  Total whack.

Kacie B is the sweetest girl but even she is having thoughts of killing Courtney which is fantastic.  Courtney is talking about how she needs to see Ben or she is not going to accept a rose. As if.  She would sleep with him for a rose. Wait, she already did.  She is playing the game, manipulating Ben, and convincing him she is good when we all know she is evil.

Courtney is telling Ben she has lost the spark and it’s so transparent that you have to wonder exactly how stupid Ben is.  He tells her she is weird, and he is weird, so they are perfect.  Ben is a moron.  There is no nice way to say it, or spin it differently.  Ben is a moron and it would appear that right now he is picking Courtney which is proof this is show is lame.

Courtney and Ben go for dinner and I am on my 2nd glass of wine.  I think chewing glass would be more fun than watching this show, but I keep watching.  Courtney is a freak and I imagine quite dirty.  She has a weird mouth and a weird voice, and needs to be medicated to control her mood swings.  Courtney is playing the game and winning.

Courtney shows her second personality to the camera, out of earshot of Ben, and we see exactly how unwell she is.  The other girls get a date card and the three remaining ladies are going on a group date.  The girls are trashing Courtney, which is cool with me.  Nicki, Kacie B and Rachel are the group and Courtney is lying her way into Ben’s useless heart.

Courtney is blowing smoke up Ben’s ass and he is buying every last drop of what she is selling.  Ben says his biggest fear is falling in love with a woman that nobody likes.  Really? That is your fear moron?  Courtney is evil and that you are meeting her family tells us that this show is rigged for drama and has nothing at all to do with finding love.

Ben wakes up the girls at 4 am to take them swimming with sharks. Seriously?  Who is going to swim with sharks to impress this loser?  They are shaving their legs, running around with morning breath, and off to humiliate themselves by showing the world how completely desperate and lonely they are.  Dear Lord why do I buy into this show?

Ben is telling us that swimming with sharks is the key to a relationship, or some other bull crap.  Rachel is not into it, Nicki and Kacie B are game, and this show makes me want to cut myself.  I would not swim with sharks for George Clooney let along a lame ass like Ben.  What are these women thinking? You know Rachel is going to do it, then get dumped by Ben.

Rachel, Nicki and Kacie B are begging Ben to give them a rose and it’s gross. They all dump their feelings all over him and he does not appear to be listening to any of them.  I’m skipping over the begging because it is making me sick.  They are not in love with him, they are in love with love. His kissing all of them is repulsive and the group date rose goes to Kacie B.

Nicki, Rachel, and Kacie B tell Ben he needs to watch out for Courtney because she cannot be trusted.  So now everyone there has said Courtney is bad, and Ben is fearful he will love someone nobody else likes, but everyone is telling him they do not like her, which means she will get a rose.  This show is predictable and pathetic and has nothing to do with love.

The girls are all stressed out about getting a rose and Courtney is going an and on about how Ben is not the only guy in the world and not their only shot at love.  Courtney is a skank and I don’t believe a word she says.  It’s fascinating that Ben keeps her around.  Chris Harrison comes out and says there is no cocktail party because Ben has made his choice.

Ben comes out and tells the girls he needs to talk to Courtney alone for a minute.  She skips off with him while the others are freaking out.  Ben wants Courtney to assure him she is there for the right reasons.  Really?  Do you think she is going to tell you the truth?  No Ben, I’m here to get famous. Ben is dumb and Courtney is staying.  Hearts are about to break.

Kacie B, Nicki, Lindzi, and Courtney are getting hometown dates while Rachel and Emily are sent packing.  They do the mandatory ugly cry and look in disbelief, which is hilarious because they both knew they never had a shot in hell.  Emily was a tattletale and Rachel was closed off.  No big surprises here but the crying is awfully entertaining.  Sad, but super funny.

Next week is the hometown dates and it’s always interesting to see where these people come from.  There will be lots of thoughtful pauses and bad acting and the only good thing about this week is that we are one week closer to being done.  Ben was a stupid choice and all good feelings I had for him are gone.  I could care less who he picks, and that is keeping it real.

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February 13, 2012 | 9:45 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - DONE!

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are finally at the place we have all been waiting for, the final episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This has been a dark and depressing season.  By dark and depressing of course I mean Bravo decided to be disrespectful by having loyal viewers watch two women, one a liar and one an addict, crawl their way through crap.  It is fitting that my final blog of the season be balls to the wall.  Buckle up people.

Before I address the show, I want to clarify a few of things.  It is my opinion that:

Adrienne is useless on this show.
Brandi is a star and what this show needs.
Camille has paid her dues and come out golden.
Dana is even more useless than Adrienne.
Kim never should have been on this show.
Kyle is a bitch and a twat.
Lisa is too good for these skanks.
Taylor is a pathological liar.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about the final episode of the reunion, and the end of the season.  Andy is still talking to Taylor about her stupid book of lies.  I know people are sensitive about abuse, but I feel quite comfortable saying that I do not believe Taylor’s claims about Russell. She is rehearsed, sounds fake, and he is not here to defend himself.  I feel sick for his kids that she is doing this to their dad.

Taylor is talking about a time when she was with friends, and they were witness to his abuse.  He apparently knocked out the friend and tried to drown her.  When he almost killed her, the friend miraculously came to, and had $10K worth of plastic surgery.  Is she high?  Come on Taylor.  It’s not true and with all the people who are questioning you, just get the friend to come forward, and confirm what you are claiming.

We are supposed to believe he dislocated her jaw and she snapped it back in over the toilet?  Seriously, I’m not buying it. Sorry.  Brandi is not having it either, says she thinks it’s horrible for Taylor to talk about it all when he cannot defend himself, and Taylor looks at her with a glazed look of “You can’t get me off my script”.  I cannot listen to her spew her crapfest any longer so I am moving on from this horrific bitch.

Dana comes on to talk and seriously I could care less.  I thought she as useless on the show and she is forgettable now.  She is desperate to be famous but she is not appealing and her fiance is a schmuck.  This chick is a whack job and with all the money she has, couldn’t she get better extensions?  I’ve interviewed her and she was sweet, but that does not translate here. I’m skipping over her so I don’t fall asleep.

Mauricio, Ken, and Paul join the ladies and while nothing they are saying is even remotely interesting, there was some interesting things of note. Adrienne looks at Paul with palpable disgust and I find it unnerving.  Ken is darling and he and Lisa are very cute.  Mauricio is handsome to be sure, but his wife is disgusting so what does that say about him?  Kyle we love your husband, but even he can’t change how we see you.

Kim comes on to talk about her experience and here’s the thing, it was heartbreaking.  This woman, who we all grew up loving, is a mess and that she is on this show is horrific.  Kyle brought her on the show, knowing she was an addict, which speaks volumes about who Kyle is as a sister and a human being. I think the best thing Kim can do for herself is stay off of this show and away from her mean spirited and selfish sister.

I am of the belief that Kim was high for this interview.  She was speaking slowly and slurred, was aware, but out of it, and it made me sad.  I wish this woman well and will keep her in my prayers.  I think the question is not whether or not Kim will return to the show next season, but if she will be alive next season.  This is a tragedy waiting to unfold and God willing we will not be reading about her overdosing alone somewhere.

Kim has avoided watching the show all season as it’s too had for her, yet Andy tells her he has it if she wants to watch it.  She just got out of rehab, is clearly still struggling, and he offers up her humiliation on a silver platter? Andy Cohen is a whore and this was disgusting.  I love Andy but this was a massive lapse of judgment and he should have respected Kim enough to leave her alone.  You are Jackhole of the week Andy.

Kyle joins Kim and Andy and it’s repulsive.  Kyle makes me want to hurl.  She cannot allow her sister to have any success without hanging onto it.  Kyle Richards is happy when her sister fails so she can look better.  Kyle saying that she does not regret having her sister on the show, when she sees what the pressure did to her, tells me that Kyle cares about Kyle.  She is her sister’s biggest enemy and it’s too bad.

This final hour of the show was just too much.  Why did Kim have her purse? To hold her drugs.  Why was Kyle there with Kim?  Because she cannot stand the attention being on anyone but her?  This year was horrible, with the only good thing being the introduction of Brand Glanville.  Brandi, Camille and Lisa are the beginnings of a good show.  If they dump Kyle and Adrienne, and keep Kim, they will have gold.  Come on Bravo. Stop being douchelords, and start keeping it real.

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