Jewish Journal


August 10, 2010

Prop 8 And Why Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Marry


Prop 8 was overturned last week in California and was deemed “unconstitutional.”  (It took an appeal process to realize this?  Common sense from the get-go told us that it was unconstitutional since “all men are created equal,” right?  Women, that’s another story.)  I do believe, however, that there are still some people that shouldn’t be allowed to marry.  I realized this as I was sitting at a bar a few nights ago in L.A.

There I was, sipping my ice water.  (I don’t drink.  Not because of some religious practice or lifelong AA affiliation, but simply because I don’t find a reason to.  I drink when I am thirsty and that usually merits water. However, liquor-filled chocolates, that’s another story).  I also usually don’t hang out at bars, by myself especially, but tonight was an exception.

My husband (a professional musician) was playing at this particular club in Lala land tonight. (It’s always painful to watch him play, and that has nothing to do with his music, and everything to do wth the bar scene.)  So there I was, taking in the music and the lovely surroundings.

Single women (and myself) were sitting at the bar as men were casually lurking like wolves ready to attack their prey on the outer edges.  (It reminded me of a bad high school dance, where girls were waiting to be asked to dance.  I never attended those anyway…)  And there I was, a married woman, with my husband less than ten feet away right in the middle of the singles scene.  Since I was extremely uncomfortable, especially after answering a few “Do you come here often?” lines with “only when my husband’s playing, like tonight” comebacks, I decided to befriend a woman sitting next to me.

She was attractive and appeared confident and a little bored, so I started up a conversation with her.  She said she was meeting up with someone and was really excited.  I told her I was there to watch my husband play.  We both agreed we felt like fish out of water.

She excused herself and stepped away to “freshen up” before her date arrived.  Just then, a familiar face showed up.  I was thrilled.  One of my friends, whom both my husband and I knew well appeared.  He was a family man and we spent a lot of time with him, his wife and lovely family.  I was happy to see a familiar face.

Enter Bar Girl back and “freshened up,” as she greeted my “friend.”  Apparently he was the “someone” she was meeting up with and excited to see.  What a small world, I thought.  Then as quickly as he had come in, he explained that he had to leave…with Bar Girl close behind.

They left the bar separately, but together, and then it dawned on me.  (I am a tad slow with these things and frankly, naïve.)  I felt my heart sink.  Ok, now I needed that drink.

What could a married man and a single girl possibly have to do together at this hour?  Where could they possibly be headed at almost midnight together?  Perhaps to run late night errands?  Xerox copying?  I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.  I didn’t want to know, but I couldn’t stop thinking about them for the rest of night.

All I kept thinking about was his wife at home with their children waiting and trusting her husband, who was out to “support” a friend (supposedly my husband, not bar girl).  I also could not stop thinking about the girl at the bar, who seemed intelligent, confident and beautiful.  Is that all she wanted – a quick “meet up” now and again with a man who was clearly unavailable?  Was it more exciting that way?  Did she have hopes he would eventually leave his wife for her?  Was she insecure?  Lacking respect for herself?  Or did she just always settle for “good enough?”

What was Mr. Suave missing at home?  Why was he even married?  There is no point in vowing to spend the rest of your life with someone if you don’t want to.  There is no need to ever get married, if you are “not the type.”  So, what is it that brings people to cheat, instead of just leaving?  Isn’t it better to just walk away than live a lie?

In their defense, I do not know where they left together and wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but the writing was on the wall.  After all, cheating is getting something elsewhere that you do not get with your spouse, even if it is just hanging out at midnight together..

Marriage is a beautiful thing when you find love and share your life with that one person always, but when it is no longer or never was about love and honesty, there is no reason to get married or stay married.

I think Beyonce was wrong when she said, “If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.”  Marriage is not always the answer or the right choice for some, however it is good to know that we all now have that choice in California (regardless of sexual orientation).  Whether or not some abuse that privilege is another story and unfortunate.

And to my “friend,” I dread having another get together with your family and mine, because I couldn’t bear looking at your wife with a straight face.  Have I also mentioned that I hate Beyonce’s song?  (I always have.  I am not a Beyonce fan to begin with.  Sorry Beyonce, nothing personal.)

Sometimes marriage is the wrong decision.  Maybe there should be another unconstitutional proposition banning marriage from those that are the “non-marrying type” from ever getting married, gay or straight.  It would bring an end to bar girls waiting around late at night for quick “meet ups” and stop girls who otherwise would never drink to start drinking.  Just a thought.

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