August 6, 2008 | 1:38 pm

A throwback you can throw back

When the TV show Designing Women was at its heyday, there was an episode called “Working Mother” (October 1, 1990) where new stay-at-home mom Charlene and 9-to-5 mom Mary Jo get into a fight that starts when Mary Jo comments that it must be nice to watch soap operas all day. The two make up with the following conversation:

Charlene (referring to a neighbor who commented on Charlene’s new position): I said I work – I work in the home. Something that …I have chosen carefully and thoughtfully and deserves respect.

Mary Jo: It’s so hard these days – whatever choice a mother makes you feel guilty. Like the world is judging you whether they are or not. What we have to do, the stay-at-home moms and the 9-to-5 moms, is to keep from turning on each other.

Charlene: I have a confession: I was watching that soap.

At the end, they bring over a computer connected to one at Sugarbakers so Charlene, the accountant, can work from home since her replacement was an utter dunderhead.

But these two groups of women are nothing compared to this recent article about stay-at-home wives.

We’re talking Samantha Stevens. We’re talking Gabrielle Solis. We’re talking Lucy Ricardo—pre Tabitha, the twins and Little Ricky.

“What do you do all day?” is a question Anne Marie Davis, 34, says she gets a lot.

Davis, who lives in Lewisville, Texas, isn’t a mother, nor does she telecommute. She is a stay-at-home wife, which makes her something of a pioneer in the post-feminist world.

Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” says stay-at-home wives constitute a growing niche. “In the past few years, many women who are well educated and trained for career tracks have decided instead to stay at home,” he says. While his research is ongoing, he estimates that more than 10 percent of the 650 women he’s interviewed who choose to stay home are childless.

Daniel Buccino, a Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine clinical social worker and psychotherapist, says stay-at-home wives are the latest “status symbols.”

“It says, ‘We make enough money that we both don’t need to work outside the home,’” he says. “And especially with the recent economic pressures, a stay-at-home spouse is often an extreme and visible luxury.”

Davis says her life isn’t luxurious. “Tuesdays are my laundry day,” she says. “I go grocery shopping on Wednesdays and clean house on Thursdays.” Mondays and Fridays are reserved for appointments and other errands.

But her schedule also allows for charity work and leisure: reading, creative writing and exploring new hobbies, like sewing.

It’s a lifestyle, Davis says, that has made her happier and brought her closer to her husband. “We’re no longer stressed out,” she says; because she takes care of the home, there are virtually no “honey-do” lists to hand over.

We’re not talking about women with children. We are not talking about women who are older and their husbands are ill and need care. We are talking about women in their 20s, 30s and 40s who have to care only for themselves and their husbands.

Such a lifestyle is promoted highly on Web sites like ladiesagainstfeminism.com and www.retro-housewife.com.

A whole day to grocery shop? Does she just float from line to line – or from store to store?

Let’s see. I commute to and from a full-time job five days a week, I’m on a neighborhood board and sisterhood board and I freelance. And with all that, I am able to not only spend quality time with my husband, but go grocery shopping, do laundry, keep things clean and do errands – plus have plenty of time for fun and relaxation.

It might make life less stressful for the wife, but I know that if I stayed home all day while my husband was in the rat race, it would cause more fights, not less.

I worked too hard to get where I am – and I’m still paying off a student loan. Should my husband be asked to pay it back for me? Does Mrs. Davis get an allowance?

Sorry stay-at-home wives … I think your days went out the door with black and white television, vacuuming in pearls and finishing schools.

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Tags: bewitched, designing women, desperate housewives, i love lucy, stay at home mother, stay at home wife, working mother

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August 1, 2008 | 8:20 am

Me a name I call myself

I came across a recent article on Ynet in which Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Yona Metzger said that a woman who does not take her husband’s last name is keeping the home from being united:

Advice to women from the chief rabbi: Married women should give up their maiden name, Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Yona Metzger told hundreds of women at a convention Monday dedicated to Jewish family values and religiosity.

“We are currently in an era of permissiveness and there are many messages that create cracks in the Jewish home’s whole structure,” the rabbi told the women in attendence

Turning his attention to the question of last names, Rabbi Metzger said that even though this was not a Jewish law issue, but rather, a move that took root in the past 200 years, a woman should stick to the husband’s last name and renounce her maiden name.

“The agenda whereby a woman wants to bring the independent entity of her last name to the home should be reconsidered,” the rabbi said. “If this came out of unity it’s one thing…but If there is a message that the woman is an independent entity and the husband is an independent entity, this does not unite the home into a whole home.”

At the end of his talk, Rabbi Metzger recommended that women “reconsider the phenomenon.”

Since I was not at the conference, I did not have a chance to voice a response. But, on the off chance that Rabbi Metzger or someone in his office goes online, please take note:

Dear Rabbi Metzger,

Until you actually become a married woman, I would say that speaking out as to whether or not a married woman should change her last name is arrogant, ignorant and, dare I say, insulting.

Why not say that the husband should also take his wife’s name? Isn’t that just as unifying?

I, too, am a married Ashkenazi Jew, and since I have never met you, I can only guess that your false logic stems from one family you met where the difference in last names became an issue. I want you to know that this is not the case in all families. Not every couple where the wife keeps her maiden name is falling apart at the seams. Just like not every couple where the wife takes her husband’s name is perfect.

If there are cracks in the Jewish home, I think the couple has more important things to worry about than the wife’s last name. And if that is the dividing line between them, maybe the issue should have come up before they married.

A wife keeping her own name is not the end of Judaism or civilization. It just means that women — who chose to marry and keep their maiden names —no longer have to feel like they need to erase who they were because they add Mrs. before their first name.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Shoshana F (who is legally keeping her last name – and her husband is fine with it)

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Tags: ashkenazi, changing last name, married life, rabbi yona metzger

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July 23, 2008 | 4:39 pm

The jilted bride

I came across this story today .... talk about a wedding headache!

The jury has awarded a Hall County woman $150,000 after she sued her former fiance for calling their wedding off.

RoseMary Shell sued her ex-fiance, Wayne Gibbs, after he broke off their engagement in 2007.

Shell argued her fiance’s promise of marital bliss amounted to a binding contract. She said she left a high-paying job in Florida to be with Gibbs and she said she has suffered financial losses since their break-up. She also said she has suffered emotionally

So the question is: When one member of a soon-to-be-married couple calls the wedding off, is it a breech of contract? How many men and women who read this blog have been in this position—or know someone who has?

Gibbs testified that he had taken Shell on trips and paid $30,000 of her debt while they were engaged. He said when he found out she had even more debt, he canceled the wedding by leaving Shell a note in their bathroom.

Doesn’t calling the wedding off make more sense emotionally and financially then getting into a marriage and then divorcing?

Although I’m not sure if a bathroom note is better or worse than on “Sex and the City” when Berger broke up with Carrie Bradshaw with a Post-It.

Posted by Mrs. Shoshana F in 2 Comments — Leave your comment

Tags: break-up, bride, fiance, georgia, jilted, sex and the city, sue

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July 21, 2008 | 4:56 pm

All the time in the world

I have heard that if you want something done, give it to a busy person. I have no idea why that is a good idea. I guess it means a busy person will always find a way to squeeze in one more thing, while a lazy person wouldn’t, otherwise they wouldn’t be lazy.

I can attest to this quote. I am the living, breathing embodiment of the quote. In looking over the next 45 days of my life, I have: a Sisterhood program planning meeting, a neighborhood block captain meeting, a sisterhood movie night, several get-togethers with various groups of friends, a birthday present spa day from my aunt, three trips to the airport (to pick up or drop off various relatives), Weight Watcher meetings, a sisterhood program (which goes with the aforementioned planning meeting), a work party, a bat mitzvah of a family friend, a wedding shower of another friend and then we are flying to Chicago for a family wedding on Labor Day weekend.

Not to mention the work I actually get paid for, the husband I like to spend time with and the vacations we have planned for the fall that have their own related mishegoss.

You want to know why it took me two weeks to update this blog? Now you know.

I’ve often talked about my planner. The left side of it, where I keep print outs pertaining to a plethora of events, is bulging out to the point that I can no longer zip the planner.

The funny thing is, I love it. I love having things to do. I love feeling a sense of accomplishment in doing them. I love celebrating joyous events with my friends.

I was watching “Bridezillas” last night and one especially heinous bride to be was moaning about all she had to do – before foisting it on her matron of honor. Obviously, she probably fell into the lazy category. If you give a lazy person too much to do – they freak.

When I was planning our wedding, I had relatives ask me: Don’t you need a wedding planner?

I told them: “Nah. What would I do with all that free time?”

So here I am … able to get out a blog post before heading home to make dinner with my husband. I have about 45 minutes commute time in the car, anyone need anything done?

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Tags: bridezillas, meetings, planner, planning, time

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July 6, 2008 | 5:47 pm

It’s all in the game

“What are you trying to do?” I asked my husband as he sat on our couch playing “Halo 3” on his Xbox.

“I’m trying to save the cartographer,” he told me as he proceeded to shoot at some creature that was, in turn, shooting at him.

“Wouldn’t it just be easier to go to ‘Halo’ school and study to be a cartographer?” I asked.

“Probably,” he said. “But that isn’t an option.”

Why was he playing this game that seems to have no point?

“Because,” he informed me, “I know you can’t stand it when I play ‘Grand Theft Auto.’”

That was true. Talk about a waste of energy. I didn’t get it. Maybe it was my chromosome; maybe it was the literary lover in me … but, when I play a game, I want a plot, a purpose, some reason to do whatever it is the game is asking me to do.

GTA, to me, is the lowest form of gameplay. Not only do you shoot at people for no reason, but you win points by breaking the law. Why not have it set up so you can join the police department and get points for turning in your loser friends?

Because my hubby wants me to partake in the game-playing experience, we bought a game called “Rayman Raving Rabbits” – a fun game where cow-tossing and warthog riding give you points.

Yes, it makes very little sense – and, in the long run, pulling worms out of the rotting teeth of a rabbit won’t get you very far. But it is a lot of fun and there are some neurons involved.

And I’ll be looking for “Grand Theft Auto: Police Academy.”

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Tags: grand theft auto, halo, raving rabbits, video games, xbox

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June 26, 2008 | 12:16 pm

Welcome to the neighborhood

When I moved in to my husband’s house, I became a full-fledged member of a community I knew nothing about. The house we live in has been in my dear husband’s (DH) family since his grandparents lived there. When we were dating, I scouted out the important stuff: the grocery store, the gas station, the drug store and, of course, the Starbucks.

My DH knows all of our neighbors, their kids, pets and jobs. I know there’s one guy on the street who gardens every morning, and there is family who has been offering Lambada lessons in their homes in the afternoons.

There are very few Jewish families in our neighborhood – at one time, when Lawrence Welk was on the air, there were more.

Last week, a yellow newsletter appeared in our mailbox informing us that everyone in our area was invited to a Neighborhood Association meeting. I had never been to one, so I had different vision in my head of what to expect.

I had a flash to the tenants meeting I remember seeing on “Will and Grace” and to the town meetings on “Little House on the Prairie” where everyone would gather at the church and Mrs. Oleson would gossip and scowl.

So this week, we went to the meeting – at a church. Big crosses. Hymn books. The whole-nine yards. The neighbors who came were very nice … and informative. It was like having our own Mrs Oleson, except without the scowl.

We learned all about disaster preparedness – emergency kits and what to do in the event of a natural disaster (fun stuff, right). The entire time the fire department rep was talking, DH kept leaned over to me and whispering: “we need that, we should do that, we have to have that.”

I looked at him and said: “You do know the odds of an 8.0 quake hitting in the next five minutes are really slim.”

Then the subject came up of Neighborhood Watch. Now that was something I could get behind. I learned we have two halfway houses, in the southern part of our community; a graffiti problem in the northern part; a bar that, because of grandfather laws, is down the street from a daycare; and, best of all, a crack house of — as one person put it — “Nazi lowriders.”

They never had to deal with that in Walnut Grove.

Before the meeting ended, the coordinator mentioned that we had a great turnout – and that if the block captains could be the point people for their areas, maybe we could get more people involved.

Since I love being the center of the action, DH and I signed up. Cpt. Jewlyweds reporting for duty!

Although, it looks like if we want to get more people to the next meeting, I better brush up on my gardening and get some rhythm.

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Tags: " gardening, community, earthquake, family, neighborhood watch, neighbors, starbucks, “little house on the prairie, ” "will and grace

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June 19, 2008 | 10:24 am

In the summertime

This Friday afternoon is the start of summer, which should make me very happy: BBQ dinners, ice cream trucks, really stupid TV shows that the networks are too embarrassed to run during the regular season. Summer ... you can’t say it without smiling.

For most of my life, summer meant vacation. I would go to JCC day camp and sing songs and make lanyard key chains and learn dances and sit around a big circle at Shabbat. Then when camp was over, I would visit my family in California and we’d go to Disneyland and to the beach and have a great two weeks before school started.

From the time I turned 16 through when I graduated from college, summer meant a job —everywhere from Sportmart to the Disneyland College Program to an internship at a newspaper, with a vacation right before returning to school, sometimes.

When I graduated from college and moved to California, summer meant a job with more sun during my commute.

Now that I am married, summer means two of us in jobs with more sun during our commutes.

Notice a pattern?

As two adults without children, taking a summer vacation is not only difficult - it is expensive. Hotel prices, airline prices, gas prices - everything is higher in the summer, not to mention the crowds.

However, just because we can’t take a summer vacation, doesn’t mean we can’t take a vacation.

Now, instead of June being our favorite month - it is May and October (the two months in which we’ve been taking our vacations). October is perfect - the days are cool and it is after the insanity of the High Holidays. May is perfect - the days are a little warmer and the kids aren’t out of school yet.

My husband and I are fortunate people who can afford to cruise. We know others are not as lucky and, because of high gas prices, can pretty much only enjoy a ”Married With Children” vacation (where Al stays at home on the couch and his family can’t talk to him for a week because he’s on “vacation"):

Bud, you know that I’m just sitting here on the couch and I know that I’m just sitting here on the couch, but you see, the rest of the days of the year, I’m selling shoes. Ladies’ shoes. Fat ladies. Very, very, fat ladies. And what does fat do best? Fat sweats. So after selling fat sweat all year, one needs a little vacation. Besides if I didn’t think that I was having a good time, I might just run amok and destroy everything and everyone I see.

This October, we are cruising in the Caribbean onboard the Disney Magic for our one-year anniversary. Since it is off-season, we found a great price for the cruise and the hotel at Walt Disney World the night before. We were even able to upgrade to first class using less miles as it is considered “off peak.”

Less crowds, less cost ... a possible hurricane, but hey - we live in earthquake country, so who am I to complain?

Everyone else can look forward to a summer vacation -we’re counting down the days till fall. Three months and counting…

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Tags: california, cruise, disneyland, gas prices, summer, vacation, walt disney world

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