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Jewish Journal

`Do as I say not as I—never mind’

by Rob Eshman

May 8, 2009 | 3:42 pm

Uri Dromi’s latest Miami Herald Column:

Avigdor Lieberman, Israel’s foreign minister, has raised some concerns because of his hawkish positions and blunt language. However, European foreign ministers who met him this week were happily surprised by his pragmatism. It seems like a rehearsal for his future meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Here is my guess of how that meeting might go.
HC: Mr. Lieberman, so good to see you at last.
AL: Indeed, madam secretary; you met every Arab [expletive] before you made time to see me.
HC: I love your directness. We need this kind of frank talk once in a while. Especially here in Washington.
AL: I know, you hypocrites are too used to double-talk and [expletive] to the Arabs.
HC: OK, big mouth. Tell me what is your prime minister’s peace plan.
AL: Bibi Netanyahu? I don’t know about him. I don’t think he knows himself. This is why he first sent President Shimon Peres to meet with you guys, to find out what you’re up to.
HC: That’s simple. We want you to freeze the settlements.
AL: The only thing I freeze, madam secretary, is my vodka. By the way, I happen to have here—
HC: No, put that bottle away, right now, Mr. Lieberman. Please, let’s get serious.
AL: But I am serious, this is the finest vodka you can get. you can call me Iwet.
HC: OK, Mr. Lieberman, Iwet, and you can call me Hillary. Now, what is your take on the recent U.N. report, about you Israelis using excessive force in Gaza?
AL: [Expletive!] This is the only way to deal with those SOBs, if you’ll excuse my French. See how we dealt with them in Chechnya.
HC: Chechnya? I thought the Russians did it.
AL: Of course, of course. I was just saying, you need to be tough with all those bandits.
HC: Still, I’m not sure this is the right way—
AL: Why not? For sure, it was always the American way. If force doesn’t work, use more force. Look at Fallujah, for example.
HC: That is different.
AL: Why? You leveled whole neighborhoods and killed civilians.
HC: Yes, but we are Americans. When we do it, we do it for noble causes.
AL: Like what?
HC: Like making the world a safer place.
AL: I see, and when Israel uses force, it’s not for noble causes?
HC: No, you’re too small to have noble causes. I mean, no, don’t get me wrong, Iwet, we have the highest admiration for you guys. Anyway, all this belongs in the past. We have since dropped the Bush policies toward the Muslim world, and now we are advancing the new Obama approach, that of Engagement.
AL: Exactly. I wanted to discuss this nonsense with you. How can you be so naive, and believe all those liars?
HC: Why not believe them? How can you tell when they are lying anyway?
AL: It’s simple. Whenever they move their lips they are lying.
HC: So when (Iranian President Mahmoud) Ahmadinejad says he wants to destroy Israel, he is actually lying?
AL: That’s a dirty trick, Hillary. Look, it’s simple. Muslims and Arabs are always lying, even when they are telling the truth. Israelis are always telling the truth. Period.
HC: In that case, when you cursed the Egyptian president and threatened to bomb the Aswan Dam, you really meant it?
AL: I was told you’re difficult. These were only words, Hillary. You know how it is. Remember, when you were campaigning against Barack Obama, and you said nasty things about him, and now you’re working for him.
HC: Well, this is different. You see—
AL: Or your husband. Remember what he said about that nice Jewish girl, ``I did not have—‘’
HC: Now, this is ridiculous—
AL: Why? I tell you, I loved his finger work, on television, ‘‘I did not blah blah . . .’’ So you see, Hillary, people say words and do the opposite.
HC: Does this mean that all your warmongering is only rhetoric, and when the time comes, you’ll be ready to make peace?
AL: Make peace with whom?
HC: With the Palestinians, of course.
AL: Oh, not so fast. First I want to make peace with the Dutch.
HC: The Dutch? But you don’t have a quarrel with the Dutch.
AL: Not yet, but give me a chance.
HC: I love that, Iwet. You’re impossible. By the way, about that vodka . . .

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