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October 13, 2007 | 1:19 pm

Iranian Jewish couples trapped by six-figure party dilemma

Posted by Karmel Melamed

Sam Cohan recently completed his residency. As he looked for a job locally, his student loans weighed on him. The 30-something Iranian Jew had grown up middle class in the Valley and had to take out the loans to pay for his education at a prestigious medical school.

With no immediate prospect for income, he found himself caught between feelings of frustration and guilt as his fiancee, her parents and his parents pressured him into a wedding he couldn’t afford.

Cohan didn’t want to break with Iranian tradition or disappoint either family, so he borrowed nearly $100,000 to cover the wedding expenses.

“I felt trapped with the whole situation and wanted to call everything off, but I decided to take the loan in the end because my wife agreed that we’d both work and pay it off little by little,” said Cohan, who asked that The Journal not reveal his real name.

Cohan is one of a growing number of young Iranian Jewish professionals who, due to family pressure, are incurring large debts to pay for lavish weddings.

Somewhere between keeping Iranian hospitality traditions and one-upping displays of wealth, a growing number of Iranian Jewish families today are inviting upward of 500 guests to weddings, with budgets in the six-figure range—typically from $150,000 to $300,000.

The strain of such expectations has led to infighting between families over who should cover the cost. Young professionals are also postponing marriage plans or opting instead for a destination wedding to avoid the financial pressures of holding the event in Los Angeles.

Most local Iranian Jews acknowledge the situation, but few in the community are willing to advocate for change. Rabbi Hillel Benchimol, associate rabbi of the Nessah Synagogue in Beverly Hills, wants a greater dialogue on the issue.

“The problem is we are taking out the spiritual and emotional aspect of the marriage and instead it’s become a business with all the unnecessary spending,” Benchimol said. “People forget the spirit of the wedding—all you need is love, and everything else falls into place.”

Some young Iranian Jewish newlyweds say that while they did not necessarily want a large wedding, they feel pressure from their parents and extended family to put on a more lavish affair. Their parents, they say, feel an obligation to invite people whose parties they have attended.

“Persians have much more of a tight-knit community, and it’s very respect oriented—that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it leads to 300- to 400-person weddings,” said Ario Fakheri, who was married last year. “People get upset if you don’t invite their kids or grandmothers, they look at it as disrespecting them—there are so many ways to disrespect them.”

Fakheri said that while he and his fiancee invited almost 600 people to their wedding due to family pressure, many of his friends in the community are opting to have destination weddings.

“You can tell how bad they don’t want people to come to their wedding by how far away they go,” Fakheri said. “It’s basically code for how bad you want to have a normal wedding.”

Iranian Jewish religious leaders said the cost has resulted in several weddings being called off and some couples divorcing within a few months of getting married. There’s also concern that local Iranian Jews will marry outside of the community or outside of the faith in order to escape the mounting six-figure wedding pressure.

Community activists trace the growing trend back two or three years ago when local Iranian Jews began inviting 100 to 200 guests for their children’s bale boroon parties.

The bale boroon is a traditional Iranian courtship gathering prior to the engagement, during which a dozen members from the male suitor’s family visits with a small contingent from the woman’s family. During the gathering both families acknowledge the upcoming union and offer a small gift to one another.

“Today, when they have these large parties for the bale boroon, they must then top that with something bigger for the engagement party, and as a result the wedding must be an even bigger extravaganza than the other parties,” said Asher Aramnia, events director for the Eretz-SIAMAK Cultural Center in Tarzana.


(Asher Aramnia, photo by Karmel Melamed)

Aramnia, who also volunteers as a Jewish matchmaker, said the recent trend of expensive weddings were not the norm in Iran.

“In Iran we didn’t even have catering. The family members cooked the food or those who were well-off hired one private cook,” he said. “Here I’ve been to a wedding where the groom bought the bride a cherry-red BMW and put it on display at the entrance of the hotel for all the guests to see.”

Aramnia said at another wedding he witnessed a diamond-encrusted tiara being lowered from the ceiling onto the bride’s head.

Venus Safaie, a local Iranian wedding planner with 85 percent of her clients hailing from an Iranian Jewish background, said the highest costs for most weddings she helps organize come from securing a venue at a hotel and finding Persian-language singers, who charge $8,000 to $15,000 for two or three hours of entertainment.

“Well, you have to realize that these Persian singers charge more because the cost of living has gone up, and there are not that many of them around, so they can ask whatever price they want,” Safaie said. “Also people agree to pay them these high prices, so you can’t blame the singers.”

Dara Abaei, head of the L.A. nonprofit Jewish Unity Network, said his organization has been urging families to have smaller weddings. The group has also negotiated with certain vendors to give reduced fees to couples struggling to pay for their weddings.

“We’re trying to break the cycle in the community, to get them to not have engagement parties or get smaller engagement parties and try to share the cost of wedding,” he said.

Abaei said couples can save between $7,000 to $15,000 if they hold their weddings at the banquet halls of Iranian American Jewish Federation’s synagogue in West Hollywood, the Nessah Synagogue in Beverly Hills and the Eretz-SIAMAK Cultural Center in Tarzana.

Another group, Woodland Hills-based Mayan Kheset, provides silk flower centerpieces in lieu of real flowers. The organization’s volunteers drop off and pick up the arrangements, and only ask that couples donate the money they would have spent on flowers.

“We encourage people to try to support a wedding of an orphan in Israel,” said Hirbod Cohentoe, Mayan Kheset’s founder. “We encourage couples not make their weddings so fancy, but donate some of the money to Israel or their favorite Jewish charity.”

While many local activist and religious leaders are trying to encourage Iranian Jewish families to have smaller weddings, others are calling for more radical steps to be taken.

“I have always wanted to see a revolution occur in the community when two or three affluent families that everyone knows very well, invite only 200 or 300 close relatives and friends for their weddings,” Aramnia said. “This will cause others who are trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ to copy them, and it may help solve our problem.”

Despite the community’s struggles to keep with old traditions and grapple with the high cost of weddings, experts said the pressure on young couples to have larger weddings is common in almost every culture worldwide.

“Well, there’s an old saying, ‘Every woman gets to plan a wedding—her daughter’s,’” said Dr. Sharona Nazarian, an Iranian Jewish psychologist. “It’s not just because we’re Persian or Jewish that we’re concerned. It’s universal, something that many brides and grooms have to deal with.”

While members of the local Iranian Jewish community said they were not opposed to those who had the financial means to have expensive weddings, they hoped others without such means would reconsider spending when they have to incur large debts.

“If someone can comfortably afford to spend lavishly on the wedding, that is their choice,” Nazarian said. “But it’s also important for families to work within their own means and be more concerned with their own needs as opposed to what others think about them.”

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We only talk about this issue now for years and we do not do anything about it. i thik it should start from the young people who are engaged.if thy realy love each other they shall tell their parents that both of us agreed to have a very small party with no luxsury.i do not think that there would be a wise parents who will presure their loved young kids to suffer the rest of their life for having a big party. besides this kind of parties have become frostrated.

Comment by Manouchehr on 10/16/07 at 1:56 pm

Anyone who gives in to these kinds of pressures is not a very smart or strong person. Iranian parents pressure their children for everything they want for/from their children, its the person’s decision to be strong enough to express what they really want…and if you’re poor, no cookie-cutter wedding is gonna impress anyone nor would it make an impact on your life if it did. Forget about persian society and live your own lives for god’s sake. We’ve lived in America for 30 yrs now—assimilate a little.

Comment by Anonymous on 10/17/07 at 3:16 pm

I think its pretty cool to have a big wedding, if you don’t that automatically means that your in the lower class of the community, besides you have to have a big wedding so you can find out if your husband to be is cheap or large, how much he loves you. The more money he spends means the more he loves you. You also have to show it off to your friends. If you don’t have the money, then you shouldn’t even consider getting married, unless you are planning on moving back to iran.

Comment by doris ahdout on 10/30/07 at 6:50 pm

Doris I disagree with your statement.  A man’s love for his woman should never be measured by how much he spens on her.  If you love someone you show it through your actions.  Actions that result from good communication and understanding of your mate leading to show your love in gestures and the little things you do for one another to show you really care.  Also I don’t think if one can’t afford a very large and expensive wedding should be considered lower class or unworthy to get married. This kind of attitude towards marriage and love isn’t going to bring anyone true and lasting happiness.  It’s nothing but a false illusion.

Comment by Shawn Ezhaghi on 11/05/07 at 9:10 pm

Hey Shawn…are you kidding me…do you REALLY think Doris Ahdut as a Persian Jew livig in America would write such thing!!!?!?!!...c’mon man, this I bet you is someone who’s trying to make her look bad as NO PERSIAN JEW would EVER be so NOT-SMART TO say such a thing..I mean, I know, we are bad in that way, our habits of poz dadan in throwing a lavish wedding when we can’t even afford it and of course, can’t even afford putting down our parents decision-as not to disresprect them-when they use you-your wedding-to show off to the world…
but I do agree with the other people and you, we HAVE TO change our attitude and think a bit about the young couples future as how they should be enjoying their money on their home, kids, vacation, and household goods that THEY, themselves will enjoy using in health and brings them happiness not sadness, frustration and distance just because now the poor man has to wok his butt off 24/7 just to keep up with the unnecesary debts and now the wify is not happy, cause she doesn’t even see her husband any more…he leaves home early in the morning, he comes home late at night all cranky and tired…he’s working during holidays and weeknds just to cover and guess what…now no one is happy, and bada bing bada boon…DIVORCE!!!

Comment by Anonymous on 11/06/07 at 6:02 pm

I agree anonymous.  What are the steps you think we can take to bring about this change.  I know it won’t happen overnight but it would be nice to see it with our generation and the one ahead of us.

Comment by Shawn Ezhaghi on 11/06/07 at 9:15 pm

Doris Ahdut is an IDIOT who actually WOULD say something like that! And you know what!!?!??! She probably decided to “have fun” one day and make that stupit comment! This is something VERY serious that we should ALL as a community take part in! Why do you think there has been SOOOOOOOOO many divorces lately!?!? And I would hate to say so, BUT these persian girls are the ones that are DEMANDING these wediings…. so even if the parents would be OK w/ an average wedding…the persian girl would still want that lavish one! So as we are all trying to fix this problem, let’s start with these greety girls!!!!! who just want to show off!!!!

Comment by Anonymous on 11/07/07 at 10:31 am

I believe that with every greedy girl there is a superficial self centered man ready to sweep her off her feet and slam her right down in “her place”-as his trophy wife. I think that change will come when couples start getting married with the future in mind. If couples realize that a marriage is a partnership for life and that there will be SO many expenses for them to have to deal with in the future, they won’t be so inclined to have a six figure wedding on credit.

Comment by Anonymous on 11/19/07 at 11:03 pm

It’s not that difficult - be the change you want to see.

Comment by Anonymous on 11/23/07 at 3:48 pm

Persian girls and their ridiculous expectations of lavish weddings and expenditures is the reason why many young Persian men are starting to see the light and marrying outside of the backwards thinking heritage. It would be one thing if these girls were actually pretty, independent, interesting and worth the time and money necessary for their upkeep. But unfortunately for them, they look like Neanderthals who provide no value. Let’s face the facts here, if were going to “buy” our to be wives with expensive houses, weddings and vacations, we might as well get the best bang for the buck and find a non Persian girl with aesthetic beauty.

Comment by Anonymous on 11/17/08 at 9:04 pm

From a Syrian Jew to my Persian brethren. You need to strengthen Torah and Emunah in your community.  We all do in fact.  This is the only way to begin to deal with these problems.  All of these parties is Gashmiut (materialism) and spending so much is Haram.

Comment by anonymous on 11/18/08 at 4:27 pm

a few years ago my friend had just gotten married and I remember we were going for a walk and she told me that as her mother always said a woman’s worth is how much a guy spends on her and that the more he spends the more her value goes up…. Like a commodity..i.e. piece of meat.  I was beyond shocked at this backward thinking.

Comment by Ellen on 11/21/08 at 3:41 pm

On antother note, why not help Jewish Iranians in Iran instead of the ones in Israel.

Comment by Ellen on 11/21/08 at 3:43 pm

I think your blog is wonderful and every Iranian-Jew must have it bookmarked.
http://www.YuvanMedSpa.com

Comment by jessica on 12/14/08 at 3:24 am

And if a Persian man isn’t a bazillionaire and is just a teacher or scholar or any other kind of respectable professional for whom a six-figure wedding isn’t reasonable?  He isn’t allowed to marry?

Doris isn’t a wife, she’s a prostitute.  If she ever puts on weight to says no to her client/husband she doesn’t deserve a divorce settlement.  She should be dumped on her golddigging tush.

I have four daughters.  If any of them demanded a wedding exceeding $30k, I couldn’t afford it.  Even if I had the money, blowing it on one day’s party is obscene.  If I had the means, all my daughters would prefer to have money toward a deposit on a home or to enable them or their husbands to go to kollel or school.

Character is EVERYTHING in a marriage.  That way, if the money goes, the marriage lasts.

The Persian recipe is a disaster for their community and as an example to the rest of the Jewish world.  SHAME on them.

Comment by A in LA on 1/08/09 at 4:38 pm

This is one of the MANY reasons I stopped essentially all interaction with Persian Jews the day after I graduated from Beverly High.

Comment by Danny on 2/27/09 at 3:41 pm

to the syrian “brother” - when was the last time you were at a wedding in your community? They can be even more lavish than persian weddings, and rest assured, the pressures are all the same.
As for us persians, yes, this is a serious issue, especially in the current financial climate. We have to start ‘fessing up to our means. There are plenty of wealthy persian jews, and then there are even more who pretend to be pooldar just to attract even richer suitors for their daughters.

Comment by noruzboy on 3/24/09 at 3:48 pm

The problem is sourced in many things. Community pressure to keep up appearances, parental pressure to pay respect to friends and family, etc. On the one hand, our Persian hospitality is to be admired. The idea that a wedding is a party, and anytime you host a party, your main concern should be the comfort and enjoyment of your guests. On the other hand, many lavish weddings are not about the guests - they are about the narcissistic couple and their parents who are desperate to save face. Look at your intentions. If you are focused on your guests, and have the means to throw a lavish party, by all means enjoy yourselves and do so. If your intentions are to keep up with what others are doing and if you are going into debt to do so, WAKE UP. No one worth impressing will be impressed, and those that you feel you need to impress are not your true friends. .... A wedding should be about love and spirituality. When a wedding is based on superficiality and the desperate need to fit in with a community that really won’t support you when you need it, that marriage is as steady as a house of cards. It’s not just that couples want to throw big weddings to keep up appearances. It’s that they feel the need to do so in order to validate their place in Persian society in Los Angeles. .... When you think about it, that is so sad.  It starts with men judging women by how they look rather than the quality of their character and with women judging men by the size of their wallets and the cars they drive. As a community, we should be more focused on building strong marriages based on mutual respect and Jewish values. The pressure to keep up with everyone else is just another symptom of our community’s obsession with the superficial and lack of substance.

Comment by Persian Jewish Woman on 6/03/09 at 6:41 pm

I’ll tell you what buharian jews do in US, being one myself. When guests come to a buharian wedding, everyone knows that wedding gift must be cash in the amount that catering and hall cost per chair. Let’s say an average glatt kosher caterer charges $120 per chair, then people knowing the current costs for a normal not a lavish wedding (you won’t have to tell them) they will gift you lets say per couple $240. If you spent too much then it is your problem. Normally, this way the wedding is paid by everyone invited and I do believe helping those in need to get married is a mitswa.

Comment by Malkiel on 9/01/11 at 6:49 am

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