January 9, 2013 | 12:33 pm

A Hollywood guide to the Israeli election

Posted by Danielle Berrin

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My friend Omri Marcus, a writer and content creator based in Tel Aviv has written a clever "TV Guide" of sorts to Israeli politics. It's a fun little map of Israel's copious and distinctive political parties -- with commentary TV buffs will know and understand.

"Here is a news flash," Marcus writes. "[N]othing is going to change after the Israeli elections in a few weeks...The right wing parties will stay in power, and the Israelis will show once again that they want peace, just not with Arabs."

Here is a very quick guide to Israeli politics that will make everything less confusing -- but not in the least bit less crazy.

Likud- Beitenu: A buy-one-get-the-other thing. One ballot for two parties fused together:

(1) Likud (literally "Unification") -- A right-of-center party which, based on current polls, is going to remain the ruling party. In a way, it's the Israeli version of the Republican Party. Representing an ignorant racist center, with a very thin crust of dignity and pretty words on top.
TV show: Honey Boo-Boo

(2) Israel Beitenu (literally "Israel is our Home") -- An extreme right wing party and the proud producer of Israel's version of Extreme Makeover: Gaza Edition. Well maybe not the whole show, but at least the first half where you take poor people from their house and tear it to the ground, although apparently taking them out of the house was optional.

Kadima (literally "Forward") -- currently the biggest party in parliament, and the leader of the opposition. This center party made so many mistakes over the past four years that almost all its members left it to other parties and from being the biggest party in parliament, it's now struggling to get a seat in the elections. TV show: The Walking Dead

HaAvoda (literally "Labor") -- It's called the Israel's Labor party even though the only laborer you can find there is the cleaning lady, and she's going to vote for the Likud. TV show: Lost

Yesh Atid (literally "There is A Future") -- a new party, headed by an Israeli journalist. He is sexy, he speaks nicely but never about controversial topics. So far the party is doing great in the polls. People are going to vote for him without ever actually seeing his platform or agenda.
TV show: The Voice

Hatnua (literally "The Movement") -- This party was established in such a rush that they couldn't even find a name. It's a central party, composed of leaders of other parties that lost in their primaries.TV show: The Biggest Loser

Habait Hayehudi (literally "The Jewish Home") -- An extreme right wing party with a surprising ecological agenda. They are in favor of transferring all the Arabs out of the country -- but insist this will be done in hybrid trucks.
TV show: Wipe Out

Hadash (literally "New" and also an acronym for "The Democratic Front for Peace and Equality" but no one in Israel knows that) -- An extreme left wing party that supports the complete withdrawal of Israel from all occupied territories, and proposes sending a "So Sorry" card to all the Palestinians. Anything for a peace treaty.
TV show: Two and a half men (this is the amount of voters they have)

Read the rest at The Huffington Post