June 12, 2008
The dress, the ring, the registry and the rest
Two months after I met Daniel, we sat on his bed late at night and I said, "If we ever get married, let's just go to city hall like Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio. Big weddings freak me out. I don't like lots of people staring at me, I don't like inconveniencing people because it's 'my special day,' and I hate waste. The idea of spending $50,000 on a party is just no-can-do."
He agreed on all fronts. We had a disgusting conversation about how we are truly soulmates. Recreating any part of that chat would be so cloying you would feel like you just snorted butter cream frosting off a wedding cake. Suffice to say, we were simpatico.
It was easy to talk big before we got engaged this past Valentine's Day.
It turns out that parents, no matter how groovy and liberal (in my case), don't love the idea of raising a daughter only to miss out on this rite of passage.
His parents lost their only daughter, Lynn, in a car accident 10 years ago. Could I rob them of this major milestone, after they missed out on so many by losing their child when she was only 30? Did I want to join his family with the clear communication that I'm a selfish badass too cool for a real wedding and, by the way, I'm stealing your son? I couldn't say, "I don't" to a communal "I do."
We settled on a small ceremony, just 15 of us, at a casino chapel in Vegas. That feels right. Monroe and DiMaggio got divorced anyway.
With an actual wedding ceremony in the offing, I was going to have to wear something, and my anxiety about this was manifesting itself in a series of nightmares.
The one time I flipped through a bridal magazine, I saw an article called, "Ten Wedding Dresses Under $900." Most of my cars have been under $900, and I don't drive them for one day and convince myself my daughter will drive them again -- for one day -- in 30 years.
Brides persuade themselves, their tailors, their trainers and their pocketbooks that this must be the best they will ever look in their lives. This moment that is supposed to be about eternal union is more about capturing eternal beauty in a photo that's going to be mounted in the living room so everyone can silently think, "Man, she used to be a lot thinner."
What to wear was a small question compared to the larger quandary that was emerging: I wondered how we could include Lynn, Daniel's sister, into our ceremony.
It's not like anyone was going to not notice her absence, these big occasions being a time you most miss those who have passed. I was sure it was going to bring back memories of her wedding just a few years before she died. I struggled for a way to invite the sister-in-law I would never meet to her little brother's wedding. I thought about the smashing of the glass (which they offer in Vegas for a few extra bucks, by the way) and how among myriad explanations for this tradition my favorite has always been that it's important to remember sadness at the height of personal joy.
When I first started dating Daniel, I caught myself staring at framed pictures of his sister, looking regal and reserved, with Daniel's eyes and nose. I knew they were very close, but Daniel, being similarly reserved, didn't talk about her much.
This brings me back to the question of the gown.
Somehow, the idea of me wearing Lynn's wedding dress came up in conversation. Daniel said his mother still had the gown, sitting in a box in her closet.
I didn't want his family to be traumatized or freaked out by the idea, but when he ran it by them they were thrilled, and I felt so completely embraced. And that's how it is that I agreed to wear a dress I had never seen, that was worn more than a decade ago.
When that giant package came in the mail, I wasn't totally immune to bridal vanity. I said a silent prayer that I would look decent in the dress and that I would have no trouble squeezing into it. Daniel helped me step into his sister's gown, a perfectly preserved ivory satin confection with a high neckline and two tasteful bows in back. It had dainty satin cuffs at the end of fragile mesh sleeves. Though she was taller, it fit almost perfectly with a pair of heels.
The trend in bridal gowns today is overtly sexy, conjuring images of someone standing behind a velvet rope rather than walking down an aisle.
From the pictures I've now seen, the conservative style suited Lynn perfectly, and it fits me somehow too. I might be the most out-of-style bride you will see this June wedding season, or maybe I'll just look like a fashion renegade, or maybe I just don't care, because my sister-in-law will be at my wedding in spirit, and satin and silk and bows.
Daniel and I don't disagree on much, but he insists that wearing the dress was my idea. He's wrong: I have a very clear memory of him asking me to wear her dress. We have joke fights about this all the time, but the truth is this: If it wasn't his idea and it wasn't mine, maybe it was hers.