Welcome to beautiful Los Angeles! I write to you from the set of my new Ismar Schorsch biopic starring Danny Glover as Mordecai Kaplan and Jim Caviezel as Ismar Schorsch himself!
Anyway, I would like to begin my address by once again sincerely apologizing for the vitriolic and hateful words I uttered a few months back during my drunken tirade in Malibu. There is no excuse for the things I said.
Well, actually, that's untrue. There is an excuse, and its name is "alcoholism." Alcoholism is to blame, and after intensive counseling during my stint in rehab, I now see that alcoholism is also responsible for all the wars in the world. And who is responsible for all the alcoholism in the world? The liquor distributors of course!
Except for the Bronfman family. They're Jewish, and if you've been reading any of this, you already know that they get a pass. Their alcohol is responsible for delicious beverages, NOT wars! While in rehab, my new friend, the former Republican Rep. Mark Foley, suggested that this year's General Assembly might be an appropriate place for me to once again reach around to the Jewish community as a whole and beg for forgiveness. He also suggested I beg that you see "Apocalypto," coming to a theater near you on Dec. 8!
The focus of this year's General Assembly is defending and standing by the nation of Israel in its war against Iranian-sponsored terror groups, as well as rebuilding the North in the wake of the recent "conflagration" in that region. With the Jewish holiday of atonement, Yum Kipper having just recently passed, I'd like to monetize my own atonement by buying 1 million trees to be planted in northern Israel in the newly named, "Apocalypto Forest." The tree planting begins Dec. 8. I hope you enjoy the shade!
This year, I am also sponsoring a new seminar that should now be listed in your amended General Assembly program schedule. This seminar is titled "Should Israel Change Her Name?" It will take place on Saturday afternoon at my house in Melibu. We'll do it by the pool, which I have altered into a makeshift mikvah. The purpose of the seminar is simple; it seems to me that the majority of the world is often confused by Israel and her place on the world stage. For example, the United States of America is made up of "Americans," the inhabitants of Bosnia are called "Bosnians," and England is comprised of "The English." If you think about it rationally, the word "Israeli" just doesn't make much sense, and I can honestly say that it confuses most of us non-Jews. In short, in order to help protect "Israel" from future harm, I propose that we as a group lobby to change Israel's name to either "Jewdonia," "Jewville" or simply "The Jews." I think that should clear things up.
Secondly, in addition to Ehud Olmert, Benjamin Netanyahu and many other esteemed speakers, the General Assembly has graciously allowed my father, Hutton Gibson, to speak to you this year! His opening night speech, "What's in a Number?" will be followed by a screening of Leni Reifenstahl's "Triumph of the Will." A cocktail reception will immediately follow at the Westin Bonaventure. Get ready to party like it's 1939, or 5699 in "Jew years."
I would like to close my address by apologizing once more for my recent behavior. I have reached out to as many Jews in Hollywood as I can: Alan Horn, Joe Roth, Steven Spielberg, Brad Grey, Stacey Snider, Jeffrey Katzenberg, David Geffen, Joel Silver, Ron Meyer, Amy Pascal, Tom Rothman, Gail Berman ... Jesus Christ, you Jews really do run Hollywood!
There I go again. I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really sorry.
Mel "'Apocalypto' Dec. 8!" Gibson
Jonathan Kesselman created and directed "The Hebrew Hammer." Mel Gibson will not be producing the sequel, "The Hebrew Hammer vs. Hitler."
Illustration by Chris Ware