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#OscarsSoGoyish

#OscarsSoGoyish is not a hashtag you will see out in the Twitterverse.
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February 22, 2016

#OscarsSoGoyish is not a hashtag you will see out in the Twitterverse. Even though, like #OscarsSoWhite, it is warranted. African-Americans aren’t the only ones absent from the Academy’s nominations. A quick review of this year’s nominees reveals a glaring lack of Asians, Latinos and, shockingly, even the very people who supposedly “run” Hollywood seem to have lost control. Aside from Jennifer Jason Leigh (three goyish names), “we” have no other acting nominations. Even the iconic, master filmmaker Spielberg (one very Jewish name) was ignored for best director by those anti-Semites! But will he be attending? He sure will. Because Shmuely Spielberg knows that you don’t boycott the Oscars. Nobody should.

There are many who argued that Chris Rock, the host, should join the growing ranks of actors, screenwriters and directors in boycotting this year’s Oscars. Why would anyone ever boycott the Oscars? The Oscars are sacred. That’s like boycotting Israel, and we have plenty of schmucks out there doing that. To me, being at the Academy Awards is similar to being in Israel — every breath you take is rarefied air. It is a blessing and a privilege to be in either of those holiest of holy lands. In the same way, shutting down the West Bank Soda Stream factory hurt the very people BDS was trying to help (in costing them their livelihood), denying Chris Rock a platform from which to mock and ridicule the glaring lack of diversity is counterproductive. 

Calling for Rock to boycott as host removes his ability to capitalize on the situation and confront it head-on with a captive audience of 1 billion. From his podium, he can brilliantly and justly skewer and lambaste the lack of diversity both in this year’s nominations and in the entire entertainment industry. Chris will shine the brightest light on the issue, and his presence will be an enormous win for diversity in every way. As a friend and fellow comedian, I can tell you that he is chomping at the bit to get up there and address the white elephants in the room. And, by “white elephants,” I’m not talking about the Weinsteins. 

Why am I comparing the all-important issue of Israeli boycotts to that of a few actors and one comedian’s possible boycott of an awards show? Because both issues are important to me. However, as much as the need to increase diversity troubles me, it’s not nearly as bothersome as the real-world problems of boycotting and singling out the one country in the world that is the only free democracy in the Middle East, and one of the biggest proponents of human rights, equality for women, gays and all religions. I’m tying these two very disparate issues together because when I hear the word “boycott” nowadays, I have a Pavlovian reaction, which takes me right to thoughts of the BDSers, and just how wrong and pointless boycotting can be in some cases. I’m a believer in showing up and making a difference. Not hiding and kvetching from the sidelines. I’d love to see action that would enable a soda factory that housed one of the great vestiges of coexistence in Judea and Samaria to still be standing. And would be thrilled to see Chris Rock publicly recognize that Idris Elba was robbed of a much-deserved nomination.

But if Rock does succumb to peer pressure (don’t worry, he won’t) and allows the injudicious ones (you know, the Roger Waterses of this issue) to get to him, I am ready to step in at a moment’s notice. Because hosting or even just attending the Oscars is an incredible privilege that no one should dismiss for their cause. Nor miss the opportunity to promote their cause. (And let’s not forget that $50K trip to Israel in those gift baskets!)

Here is a sample of a few of the jokes I’d do if I were hosting. I wouldn’t take on the diversity issue as much as Chris would. My monologue would be more … Jewish.

“Good evening and welcome to the Academy Awards, the show that proves Jews don’t learn from their mistakes and still idolize golden statues.

“Yes folks, this is an amazing awards show. It reminds me of when I hosted the Chabad Telethon. Except here we have underrepresented black actors; there we had way too many black hatters.

“Tonight we are celebrating diversity. If by diversity you mean a Martian, a Danish Girl, a Mad Max and a Big Short.

“ ‘The Big Short’ was a great movie, and also the before and after of my bris.

“Getting an unexpected best picture nod was ‘Mad Max.’ Not to be mistaken with my uncle, ‘Mad at Everyone Max.’

“Of course, there was the amazing film ‘Room,’ about a mother held captive in a room with her son for years. What most people viewed as a horror story, Jewish mothers everywhere called the film, ‘A dream come true!’

“I’m actually doing a movie that’s closer to my life story — about a husband who is supposed to get sex but never does, called ‘Yichud Room.’

“ ‘The Martian,’ a great movie about a man who goes to Mars and gets stuck there. I couldn’t help but not feel badly for the guy. I mean, what kind of putz goes to Mars? I have enough trouble shlepping out of the house to go see a movie about a guy going to Mars.

“In the film, Matt Damon is seen growing potatoes out of poop. All I’m saying is, if you get invited to his house for Shabbos lunch, don’t eat the kugel.

“Let’s not forget the great film ‘The Danish Girl,’ which I think is a movie about a raspberry Danish that really wants to be a cheese Danish.

“Christian Bale is nominated tonight. Last year, he starred in the film “Exodus: Gods and Kings.” That’s right, it was a movie about Moses starring a guy named Christian. Even the best Jewish roles go to goyim. But you never see the reverse, in our favor. You never see a movie about the pope, starring Fyvush Finkel.

“Who can forget the film ‘Carol’? Most of the movie features two women trying to figure out how to be lesbians together. I’ll wait until it comes out on cable so I can just fast forward to the good parts.

“And finally, Jennifer Jason Leigh is nominated for ‘The Hateful Eight.’ Not to be mistaken with my morning minyan, ‘The Resentful Ten.’ ”

(After reading these jokes, you can see why they didn’t ask me to host … those anti-Semite bastards!) 

Elon Gold is a comedian, actor, and writer who has appeared in numerous TV shows and currently has a one-hour special on Netflix, “Elon Gold: Chosen and Taken.” He can be seen live next month performing at the AIPAC policy conference in Washington, D.C.

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