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Christopher Dorner in Good Spirits at Local Motel

by Andrew Dugan

February 12, 2013 | 9:46 pm

Christopher Dorner, realizing he left his key at the front desk again. Come on. Get it together, Chris. Photo by Irvine Police Department/REUTERS.

LOS ANGELES. Citing undisclosed sources close to him, fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner, who has led the L.A.P.D. on a multi-day manhunt over and beyond the Greater Los Angeles region, confirmed late Tuesday night that, in fact, he feels “fit as a fiddle,” adding, “but—you know—a little sleepy.”

According to Dorner, 33, he watched the day’s events, among which featured a tense shootout, the impediment and harassment of interstate motorists, and the torching of a cabin near snowy Big Bear Lake in San Bernardino County, unfurl across local news stations when the Chopped marathon on Food Network paused for commercial breaks.

“I feel pretty rotten about that cabin burning down,” he said, dispensing ice cubes into a small bucket in the corridor of a Motel 6.

In the course of searching for the former officer, the L.A.P.D. has opened fire on two women, mother and daughter, injuring both; replaced the truck in which those women were injured; inspired a new haute couture and corresponding accessories; boosted the pizza-delivery market; and reignited allegations of rampant corruption within the police force—not the P.R. it had hoped for.

Asked for his opinion on the L.A.P.D.’s handling of the situation, Dorner replied, “I’m reminded of the infamous Mark Sanchez ‘buttfumble,’” alluding to the New York Jets’ quarterback’s humiliating turnover versus the New England Patriots.

“If the media was the only thing I had to go by,” he added, shuffling toward his room in plush slippers, “I wouldn’t know if I were alive or dead right now.”

Various media sources, from the Los Angeles Times to CNN, have published and redacted reports regarding Dorner’s status. On social media platforms like Twitter, users are batting around rumors that certain benevolent law-enforcement agencies have been earnestly attempting to suppress and censor information about the case and, in particular, procedural conduct. Audio footage of an unidentified police officer commanding that the Big Bear Lake cabin be set ablaze has since popped up.

“I guess we’ll see what they cook up tomorrow,” Dorner said, waving goodnight and closing the door behind him.

Dorner is located in Room #22 in the Hollywood Motel 6 on Whitley Avenue. Please see desk clerk Antonella Lazaro for reservations.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Newly arrived from the East Coast, Andrew Dugan is a Los Angeles-based writer best described as “charming,” “genius,” and “reflexively sycophantic.” Some critics have hailed...

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