Jewish Journal

Dear Dr.L

by Dr. Limor Blockman

June 20, 2013 | 12:41 pm

Dear Dr.L- your real questions answered thoroughly by your devoted Sex & Relationship Counselor Dr.Limor.
All questioners should be addressed to


Dear Dr.L

My buddies and I were debating the important question of female orgasm, as we were watching that famous restaurant scene from 'when Harry met Sally'. One of my friends said he can always tell when a woman actually reaches a climax ,while another said he asks if he isn't sure but could not tell. I was wondering if it were in fact possible for a man to identify if a woman has had an orgasm. If so, how noticeable is it and is there a significant amount of fluid involved in a woman's orgasm?

Thanks so much


Dear Dan,

Ahh, the goodol' male talk regarding the elusive female orgasm... Indeed an enigmatic notion. Well, if you guys had watched that famous scene, you'll know that the beloved Meg Ryan as  'Little Goody Two-Shoes' Sally ,states very correctly and vocally,I must add, that a woman is very capable of creating the illusion of a climax!Why ,some women get so great at it they can't tell whether they're having a real one themselves.

Unfortunately, there is no exact way to tell whether a woman experiences orgasm sans asking. A partner may try reading reliable climax signals, i.e., increasing/altering breathing patterns, body contours , vocalizations( scientifically it would be related to as FCV- Female Copulatory Vocalization' ,look it up;) muscle contractions and so on.

Nonetheless, the chances of misreading these signs are prominent and just about any woman can "fake it" if she chooses. Fluid release ,of any amount and/or vaginal contractions are not necessarily orgasm indicators, although both can be associated with an orgasm.

I guess my point would be that your 'other friend' was correct in his approach and suggesting a communicative manner of inquiry ,as to the occurrence of the mighty O ,or possible ways to achieve it,in its absence.Sexual communication and trust  are extremely important and any man that might assume he 'always knows' when or how the relentless orgasm might show up to play, has either been lied to oh too many times (And thus might be a dreadful lover?) or clearly understands nothing about female sexuality. A woman might share whether or not she experienced an orgasm, what it felt like, how her partner can help, and whether or not orgasm is even her goal.

Sometimes, it's easier for a woman to learn how to orgasm on her own. Then she can share  what she's learned with her partner and they can practice reaching their orgasm goals together. If one strategy doesn't work, 'go in there' and try again! Explore, experiment, and explain your wishes and desires. As noted above, strong communication (verbal and non-verbal) would be helpful in determining strategies for reaching and recognizing orgasms.


Dear Dr.L

I am the proud mother of 4. My last one was delivered without an episiotomy. On my third I have already noticed a change in the size of my vagina ,but only started to feel very uncomfortable about it post delivery of my fourth. I am too embarrassed to have sex because I feel too loose. Is this common with multiple childbirths?
Also please tell me  if there is something that can be done to heal my impaired femininity.



Dear Rachel,

Thank you so much for this important question. I so agree,it can in fact be uncomfortable to discuss these issues, but just acknowledge that they are very common in women,particularly post several deliveries.

You mentioned that you are embarrassed to have sex because you feel too loose. Was it noted by your partner or did you come to this conclusion by the less profound vaginal sensation upon penetration,by inserting fingers / tampon inside you,or what was your indication ,to be more exact? Childbirth may invite intense changes to a woman's body and sexual response. These changes are a part of life and it's normal to accommodate them over a person's life span or a long-term relationship.

Are you dealing with urinary incontinence as well?I may suggest starting a daily routine of Kegel exercises  that can strengthen pelvic floor muscles, the muscles that stretch during childbirth. You should exercise them about five to ten times a day, repeat the Kegels ten times per session. It can take up to 8 to 10 weeks to notice improvement, and there will most certainly be one.

They help improve sexual pleasure (more intense orgasms) by making the muscles stronger and more elastic, and they can improve bladder tone so that you don't 'leak'. They will not , unfortunately ,decrease the volume of your vagina,but they can make the opening tighter.

Other options are as follows:

��Vaginal cones
These objects are weighted, tampon-sized vaginal devices that a woman should hold there  twice a day, for about fifteen minutes per session, while going about her general activities. A set of cones increases gradually in weight starting with the lightest cone,once a woman is successful at keeping the cone in place, she can move on to the next heavier cone, working her way up to the heaviest.

��Electrical stimulation (Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulation) probes in the vagina to stimulate the muscles of the pelvic floor with an electric current, causing the muscles to contract/relax. Treatments last about 20 minutes each, for a course of a few weeks.

��Vaginoplasty- a reconstructive plastic surgery and cosmetic procedure of the vaginal canal and its mucous membrane, for the purpose of reconstructing damaged structures due to  congenital disease (e.g. vaginal atresia) or an acquired cause (e.g. childbirth physical trauma or cancer.

In general, your body will yield to your mental state. Try to relax and love it, the rest will be sure to follow! Best of luck!


Dr.Limor Blockman,PhD Sex&Relationship Counselor www.DrLimor.com  Doctorlimor@gmail.com

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Dr.Limor Blockman is a renowned Clinical Sex Counselor, Educator, Columnist, Speaker and Author.

Dr. Limor holds a PhD in Human Sexuality, a Master’s in Public Health &...

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