Dear Dr.L- your real questions answered thoroughly by your devoted Sex & Relationship Counselor Dr.Limor.
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I'm writing you regarding a matter that has been troubling me immensely in the last couple of years. For the record I'll refer to myself as Raphael. I have been happily married to a lovely looking wife, 5 years my junior, I'm now 34. When we first got married we used to engage in sexual relations a few times a week, overall it has always been initiated by me, nonetheless my wife would oblige and I have been content with it. The last two years of our marriage have been exhibiting a very drastic decline in the frequency of our encounters,my wife hardly shows any interest whatsoever, and even when she does finally grant me with some relations, I end up being the only 'active' one,so to speak. I'm very frustrated and helpless as to any actions I might take, please help me.
Thank you for your email. I'm saddened that you need to deal with these unfortunate circumstances,however very grateful for your bold and frank approach in seeking assistance and surfacing a very important matter many couples deal with on a daily basis,yet feel uncomfortable to even admit to its existence. Many factors attribute to our sexual function, our libido and stamina,our ability to achieve climax and so forth.In relation to your mentioning of your wife's lack of interest or desire, albeit she would oblige to your quests on most occasions when initiated by you, I'm assuming that she is not 'endowed' with an insatiable sexual interest or libido, or simply hasn't experienced a very profound sexual exultation and thus does not truly appreciate the intensity of a satisfying sexual property. You have mentioned that your wife is 5 years younger, that puts her in her late twenties.I'm mentioning that in relation to the fact the the female sexual peak ranges between the ages of 35-50, so do not discourage, the future looks promising:)
Regardless, I would not recommend waiting patiently for a shift, that WILL eventually come I guarantee it, but rather taking an immediate action by engaging in an open discussion,as a couple and preferably involving a third objective party( solely professional,please refrain from inviting any 'friendly' advice that might come from questionable well wishers...)that will enable you an honest analysis of causes and solutions to your delicate matter. Your relationship holds the sanctity of marriage and thus should be handled carefully and with the proper care in mind. A good open discussion will provide relief and a new headway in your journey towards healing, whether via relationship counseling, use of herbal aphrodisiacs or any other gratifying method you might explore together.
Best of luck!
I'm a 32 year old man, have been engaged in healthy relationships throughout the years and never encountered any sexual difficulty. Recently I have started dating a new partner,I'm very eager to satisfy her and to make our time pleasurable,however during the last several encounters I came across a difficulty reaching my climax while losing my potency along with it. My partner exhibited a major dissatisfaction with it and even though I have repeatedly tried explaining that I'm very attracted to her and have no clue why this is happening, she will not accept it and remains insulted and unhappy about it and about me. I'll also mention that I engage in self pleasuring regularly and do reach an orgasm there. Please help me save this relationship, I would hate to lose it over this kind of matter.
Thank you for your question, I'm pleased to read about the positive relationship you are involved in and commend your quest for advice, a very vital approach to life in general.The difficulty you are dealing with derives of a few factors:
First, when we initiate a relationship, especially one that intrigues and enlivens us, we tend to encounter physical challenges, males and females alike. Men tend to suffer from an occasional premature/delayed ejaculation,erectile dysfunction and such, while women mostly deal with an acute vaginismus, vaginal dryness or possible inflammations/ infections. The short history you provided along with the very intelligent mentioning of your frequent,yet climax gratifying autoeroticism, lead me to the assumption of two main reasons for your unconsummated pleasure with your partner:
First, your initial less successful attempts to satisfy your lover,'granted' your physical 'memory' with that difficulty and thus functions as a form of ' self fulfilling prophecy'.
Secondly, your frequent self pleasuring created a platform in which your touch, tempo and manner of arousal that might differ from the ones achieved during coitus, 'push' your body in quest of that 'specific' pleasurable sensation and once it arrives in a slightly different form, your body declines it and chooses to have it 'its way or nothing at all' in a more allegorist notion, if I may.
- Honest mutual discussion, encompassing the important pinpoints I have mentioned above.
- Examining your autoerotic technique for any aberrations from your lovemaking.
- Minimizing self pleasuring, while enhancing mutual sensual delights and staying aware of each other's sensitivity and possible discomfort.
Best of luck!
Dr.Limor Blockman, PhD Sex&Relationship Counselor www.DrLimor.com Doctorlimor@gmail.com