May 22, 2013 | 4:48 pm
Posted by Dr. Limor Blockman
Dear Dr.L- your real questions answered thoroughly by your devoted Sex & Relationship Counselor Dr.Limor.
All questioners should be addressed to
My name is Yuri. I have a beautiful partner for 5 years now that I am about to marry. I love her very much and we are very excited about our future together. What I am concerned about is my ongoing need to 'check out' other women and to fantasize about certain ladies I come across. My partner is very gentle and demure and so she never confronts me about it ,but I am well aware that she is uncomfortable with it and possibly hurt.
I am also concerned that once we get married, I will have an even mightier need to be unfaithful and pursue other women.
I often cogitate about the source of it, I mean I love her dearly and she is exquisitely beautiful in my eyes, so why do I have this need? Is there something wrong with me? Is there anything I can do to calm and curb this need and thus avoiding any possible future anguish? Please help me.
First,I would like to thank you for this important question. Many individuals deal with the issue of monogamy on a daily basis, regardless of gender,age or relationship status.
Unfortunately our society bases its norms on social and financial structures that are difficult to battle and almost impossible to alter. Let me ease your mind and conscience by stating that you're absolutely not alone in this dilemma as it has nothing to do with some kind of dysfunction ,or 'emotional disability' you suffer from, but rather the natural human frame and properties. I differ it utterly from the social hypocrisy that might be forced upon us. Before the advent of agriculture, prehistoric humans lived in a much less sexually possessive culture, without the kind of lifelong coupling that currently exists in most countries.These circumstances changed everything about human society, from sexuality to politics ,to economics ,to health ,to diet ,to exercise patterns to work-versus-rest patterns. It introduced the notion of property into sexuality. Property wasn’t a very important consideration when people were living in small, foraging groups where most things were shared, including food, childcare, shelter and defense. It makes perfect sense that sexuality would also be shared — why wouldn’t it be when paternity wasn’t an issue back then?
In general ,modern psychology is practicing an injustice to society and couplehood when yielding solely to the necessity and commonality of monogamy, when so many factors ,even in the human form,indicate otherwise like the design of the penis, to the volume of the testicles, to the sperm-producing potential of the testicular tissue and the way we have sex. It's paramount to stress that I am not advocating or negating any personal opinion and choice of monogamy, polygamy or any other form of lifestyle, to each his own and a unit formed from a man and a woman choosing to live together, can make its own choice.
I am however, advocating the prominence of an open discussion, preferably accompanied by a professional third party. This kind of dialogue will surface things while allowing openness, finding solutions together and avoiding future hardship. You might be surprised by your future wife's approach towards your concerns and no matter how you relate to it, no good will come out of hiding your thoughts and desires ,especially since you HAVE mentioned that your partner is aware of your dilemma.
I strongly recommend reading the book 'Sex at Dawn', a fascinating anthropological analysis of human sexuality in different cultures while covering the issue of monogamy as well.
Best of luck!!
I'm contacting you as a last resort as I am in a relationship that I am just about to be done with and I guess simply need some professional reassurance. I have been dabbling in this relationship for the last six months. Our love life is phenomenal and we are very compatible intellectually as well. The problem emerges from his utter 'refusal' to engage in any form of activity other than the one taking place in the bedroom. We both enjoy each other immensely, however every time I tried engaging in a conversation about his work or his social life,he would change the subject and abort my inquiry with the cliche' 'I love you' that appeases my need to know more for the moment ,until the next time. At this point I'm feeling very lonely and not really in a relationship, even a minor feminine procedure I had to go through was not respected by him,as to his quests of engaging in sexual activity under these circumstances. His explanation is that I should be delighted with his passion towards me and that he always desires me ,but personally I see it as a pathetic, no good excuse ,to his inaccessibility and lack of real love or caring. Please help me!
Thank you for your question and for being so detailed and honest. You are definitely an intelligent woman with a highly observant ability. I fully agree with your argument as to the title of 'relationship' being completely too good to be given this, 'connection' if you will. At best I would call it a sexual escapade or a sensual adventure. The extreme circumstances of high libido and stamina on both ends, could have benefitted your relationship greatly, had it been accompanied by a real emotional and spiritual connection. The point you made regarding your 'motivated' partner's inability to allow you a slow healing post op, applies to many possible future concerns. Life brings physical challenges even under good circumstances such as birth, as well as under more difficult ones ,like a physical injury or anything else that might hinder your ability to utterly surrender to the joy of sexuality and love making, then what?
If the entire relationship is based on carnal bliss, one has to wonder as to its properties. It's simply inhuman to assume that we will always be ready and willing to enjoy it; career,children, family, financial hardship, physical pain or in one word- life, might get in the way of it, so if the person you're involved with refuses to accept these limitations or worse case, might turn to 'replacements' ,need I really add anything? You have the answer to your question within you and I commend you for it. To be quite honest, you are not a 'glory hole' if you know what I mean..
Best of luck dear!
Dr.Limor Blockman,PhD Sex&Relationship Counselor www.DrLimor.com Doctorlimor@gmail.com
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