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July 21, 2011

A Letter to My Neighbors…

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/a_letter_to_my_neighbors_20110721/

From the Messy Closet of Julia Beynart-Bendis


My Dearest Neighbor:

How are you?  Hope this note finds you well.  Remember the party your threw last weekend at your house?  I wanted to thank you for it, unfortunately somehow I did not receive the invitation.  Therefore I wanted to ask you if next time you could please hand deliver it directly to me.  You see sometimes I don’t check the front door and my kids end up playing with notes and papers they find laying around there.  You know the same front door that your lovely children play “Ding Dong Ditch” game with, and leave me fart-bombs?  Yes, that one.  I am sure that’s the reason why I didn’t get it, but no worries because guess what?  I heard the whole party through my bedroom window, and when I sat in my backyard it was almost like I was right there with you!  Yes, it was fantastic all the way til midnight when your drunken guests poured out of your house and into the street!  My children certainly enjoyed listening to your infectious laughter, and many, many age-appropriate conversations that went on for hours.

I was also very happy about your teenagers’ music selection and that you let him be in charge of it all night long!  That Katy Perry Firework song heard for the third time through your speakers facing my bedroom window was awesome.  How did he know that Lil Wayne was one of my favorite rappers?  So cool!  Although I have to say, he could have thrown in a bit of Eminem in there, maybe some of TuPac, Alicia Keys would have brought the energy down a bit towards the end there, Nora Jones would have calmed the shit out of the lovely, screaming children running around barefoot up and down the street.  Just some suggestions for your next party.

On a different note I am so grateful for anyone that throws a party after 10 p.m. in my neighborhood, including you.  I’ll tell you why.  The acoustics are amazing since we live on a cul-de-sac, and every house sits apart from one another only by about a foot, so it makes for a wonderful night.  As you can imagine every neighbor within a-100-yard-radius can hear the wonderful sound effects, including my favorite, can you guess what it is?  No?  Alright I’ll tell you.  BASS!  Love it!  It’s almost like using a vibrator but with the positives of not having to hold it myself!  Can you imagine that?  Pretty incredible.  Aren’t we so lucky to be living in the suburbs where ten homes sit where only two should be?  We have the joy of having such wonderful and carrying neighbors that give each other the heads-up about a late-night party.  I don’t know about you Dear Neighbor, but I truly feel so blessed!

Anyway, wanted to let you know that I will be having a Summer Blow Out Party next weekend in case you wanted to come over.  Oh shoot, I just saw my dog eat your invitation.  Crap.  I’m so sorry, but don’t worry you can still hear all of it since I will be placing my brand new giant speakers in the backyard for all the neighbors to enjoy.  Just FYI, we have some strange friends so if you see some of them frolicking around nude, please don’t be alarmed.  Its just a side effect of Ambien, Cocaine and alcohol, and the good news is that it doesn’t seem to last very long.  My friend Tatyana is usually done with the nudity side effect within a couple hours.  Now my other friends Moshe and Haim have a tendency of bringing this strong Israeli weed with them to every party they attend, and I have a hard time controlling their temper.  They usually whip out their Krav Maga skills and tend to break a few things, so if you hear glass breaking please don’t be scared.  Again, that doesn’t last very long either.  Now the other thing I’d like to warn you about is in the very early morning hours, my children like to blare “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” right in the back yard.  It really helps them to get their energy on for the day.  I promise I won’t let them start before 6 a.m.

Otherwise, it should be an awesome party.  Hope you enjoy!

If you have any questions or concerns, please address them my way and leave it with the neighbor to the right of me.

With lots of love, kindness and mutual respect!

Sincerely,

Your Neighbor Julia

XOXOXOXO

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