Posted by Julia Bendis
This morning was a bit of a somber morning for me… Our six-grader headed out to a four-day overnight Science camp today! I have to emphasize the OVERNIGHT part since it was the only thing I heard when first learning about this little adventure, which might as well had said a six-month-overnight-camp. It all sounds the same to me, because all I hear is: my child will be without his Mommy! It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t called me that in years, I still think of him as a three-year-old. Surely, I am not the only Mother (or the last one) to worry about her child going away for days at a time, however I suspect I might be in the minority when it comes to everything else I did prior to his departure…
That would include:
- packing eight pairs of underwear and socks instead of the recommended four, as specifically stated in the camp flyer
- packing four pairs of pants instead of the recommended two, again as specifically stated in the camp flyer
- packing enough toothpaste to last him til next year instead of the recommended one-trial-sized-tube
- packing shampoo and conditioner to last at least two weeks because it was listed under the “optional items” section
- packing four pairs of pants instead of the recommended two
- packing eight shirts instead of the recommended four
- and of course packing enough snacks for the long 30-minute ride to the camp completely ignoring the section marked “what NOT to pack”, because like a good Jewish Mother I never let my kids leave the house with a little something to nosh on “just in case”.
The last few days leading up to today I kept thinking how much my son will be homesick, and me not being there to comfort him. The more I thought about that, the more I started to notice that it doesn’t seem to phase him one bit that he will be gone for a whole four days! All he cared about was getting his friends into the same cabin, and whether or not he can try sneaking in his iPod… Every night I snuggled next to him telling him not to worry, that he will have a great time and to call me for any reason, no matter how small it may be. And every night AFTER that I would overhear him telling his brother to be good and “distract Mom as much as possible because she will be a total mess!” Nice.
When we finally dropped him off at school this morning, I quietly told my son that I love him and that I might cry a little bit when he goes. He turned to me and with a straight face replied: “I know you love me Mom. It’s OK, you can cry. Just go do it over there somewhere, not too close OK?”
Not much more I can say after that, except for: looks like I’m the one with the homesickness problem, not my child.
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October 10, 2011 | 6:32 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
At a flag football game for my 1st grader, I couldn’t help but enjoy my son’s aggressiveness. I know how wrong that sounds, however after trying soccer, baseball, basketball and tennis I’m happy to see that he finally at the old age of six, found his sport! Besides, its only flag football and tackling is not allowed. Although that doesn’t seem to stop my child from jumping on other players. He sleeps, eats and lives for football, and was very angry that he isn’t allowed to play tackle or as he calls it “regular” football.
My fake phone calls to the officials at “regular” football league insisting that they allow this six-year-old to play went unanswered, which was not good enough for my kid. He begged that I physically go to their offices and demand that they let him play, since he is READY!
Having no problem with lying, I went ahead and told him that after much consideration the football officials decided he needs to wait a couple years before getting slammed and pummeled onto. My son’s response? “Nobody will slam me down, I’m too quick and awesome for that to happen!”
Seeing that this issue won’t be going away any time soon, I’m secretly hoping that he will pick another sport in the near future. Before I ever had kids I always said that I’d never let mine play a savage game like football, but now I don’t see much of a choice. This brings me to another issue. How do Mothers allow, and seem to be fine with their young children being shoved, and slammed into while playing football or lacrosse or any other violent sport? Am I the only parent that thinks its completely wrong to allow your ten-year-old to be physically hurt?
Where are the rules and guidelines about starting boys too young in violent sports? Shouldn’t there be some kind of a mandatory law that says you can’t play before the age of fifteen, or at least til your child has facial and body hair?
America is the only country in the world that has the most boys between the ages of 10 and 18 with head traumas and concussions! I truly hope my son changes his mind about playing football, I’d hate to be the only Mother in Orange County to ban my kid from playing tackle football…
September 22, 2011 | 6:47 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
My phone rings. I answer.
- Hello Ma’am. My name is Blah Blah (I’m not good with names, can’t remember what the hell he said) from Avis Heating and Air conditioning. I’d like to talk to you about your heating system. Would you be alright with that?
- Sure, I would be alright with talking to you about my Hot Box, as long as you would be alright with a $1,000 fine for talking to me about it, since I’m on a “Do Not Call List” and all…
- Um, no Ma’am I would not be alright with that. And I didn’t call about your “hot box”, I called about your Heating system.
- Oh no? Well, maybe you should have thought about checking that list before calling me. See the thing is that I’m usually very nice to telemarketers especially when I have the time to listen to them, but now you pissed me off.
- How did I piss you off Ma’am?
- Well, you did it again just now; you called me Ma’am.
- I called you Ma’am?
- Yes, you called me Ma’am. Did you forget? Not sure if you are aware but I am a very young and energetic young lady who enjoys life, dancing and long walks on the beach preferably with a very hot, young thing who is not wearing a shirt. Or pants. I am not very picky. I would prefer a shirt and no pants, but I can roll with anything. I know that’s typically what a girl wears in all those chick flicks, a long men’s shirt and no pants, but I kinda think a hot guy would look good like that also. What do you think?
- Ma’am, I mean Miss… I am not sure why you are telling me this, and I probably should be going now…
- Why? Do you have something more important to do besides listen to a crazy chick fantasize?
- No, no Paul. Now you will listen to me.
- My name is Blah Blah.
- OK, Peter. I guess I better let you go. My Hot Box is making some strange sounds, need to check it out.
- It’s Blah Blah, Miss.
- Shut up.
September 20, 2011 | 5:55 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
Kate Winslet started a campaign against plastic surgery in Hollywood. I am starting my own campaign against Kate Winslet. Really Kate, you are against cosmetic surgery, and are encouraging other Hollywood starlets not to fall under its magical spell? Really? How very convenient for you to start this campaign AFTER you’ve have all your plastic surgery done.
You don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, let me refresh your memory. Remember how you gave birth to two children? Remember how you got really fat? Remember how you had all that ugly, saggy skin hanging and hated your body? Remember how you lost all that baby weight, and all of a sudden had even more sagging skin? Remember all those interviews you did saying how much you dislike your body? Does any of that ring a bell?
It’s really funny how all of a sudden you decide to “start loving my body”. Sure you are loving your body now. After all those nips and tucks and Botox injections, or whatever it is they inject into women’s foreheads across the pond (say that with an English accent for better effect; sounds much better), of course you are loving your body now!
How very mature of you, as a role model for girls everywhere to mislead them about what a “natural” woman looks like. Looking at you at the Sunday’s Emmy Awards really made me believe that your hotness is purely due to working out, eating right and shedding baby weight. Yea, right! A tummy tuck, a breast lift, and full body liposuction had nothing to do with the way you look now, right? At least be an adult about it and admit you had work done. Do us all a favor, don’t lie to the regular folk. We are not idiots, alright so some of us are very much the idiots but we still would like to hear the truth. Own your Man-Made Beauty, Kate Winslet! Own it! That’s all I gotta say.
September 11, 2011 | 10:52 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
Here’s something I think about almost every time I am about to leave a message for someone. Do we still need to record an outgoing message telling people to ‘please leave a message after the tone’? Do we really need to remind people when and how they need to start recording a message for us?
We are in the twenty first century; we have cars that can automatically parallel park for us, we have computers that are smarter than any software engineer out there; we have missiles that can seek out and shoot a target from thousands of miles away without any help from a human being, but yet we still need a reminder to ‘leave a message after the beep’? Haven’t we been doing that for many, many years by now? Do we still not know what to do when we hear that beep?
Typically, when I get one of those outgoing messages I like to pretend I didn’t hear their instructions on how to record my message. Instead when I hear the beep, I start talking to my kids in the background, giving instructions and then complain into the phone about how I don’t know if I heard the the beep and if I should be recording a message at this point or hanging up… I do however absolutely love those people that record their outgoing message as: “It’s me, you know what to do!” Nothing else, which is more like it.
September 5, 2011 | 5:25 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
What is it about children that makes them want to jump all over people, me in particular? I am sitting on the couch, minding my own business when out of nowhere my six-year-old son decides to pounce on me. Not only pounce like a cheetah, or a lion or pick your own animal but start climbing all over me. Why? Is it a boy thing or do girls do the same thing?
Is this where boys start, with their Mothers and then it continues into adulthood with them pouncing on every living and breathing female they see? If it’s a purely a subconscious male behavior that starts out in their very early years, I guess I understand it. Sort of. But do they have to be so physical and rough? If I didn’t move fast enough, I am pretty sure I’d have a bloody nose right about now. And when I try to reason with him about being gentle with girls and ladies of all ages, he tells me he can’t help it because he loves me so much he just can’t control his body. Crap, it’s starting early.
Can you imagine a man leaping at some woman in a bar, his only explanation that he is so enamored with her that he can’t help but give into his animalistic instincts? I can imagine it going extremely well…
On the other hand, my eleven-year-old never behaved that way. He did and still to this day loves to cuddle up next to me on the couch watching a movie. Yes, sometimes he forgets that he weighs about ninety bounds and is made of pure bones and muscle. There isn’t a single ounce of fat on that kid, and considering I don’t weigh that much more than him at about five feet nothing, it certainly hurts when he lies down on me. I cringe with pain, but pretend it doesn’t hurt only to keep him next to me because I know he is turning twelve in a couple of months, and am certain his desire to lay next to his Mother will end the same exact day! At least he doesn’t use me as his own personal jungle gym like his brother… I am hoping his instincts, and everything I’ve drilled into him for the past six years will keep him from climbing over some pretty girl at school. I can only imagine his reasons for doing it: “But my Mom let’s me doing to her ALL the time, and she doesn’t complain!”
August 16, 2011 | 3:35 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
You know you’ve watched way too much television with your kids this summer when you start to pay attention to commercials… During yet another “Big Time Rush” marathon, I noticed a Kmart commercial. No, I didn’t pay extra attention to it because it was Kmart but rather WHAT they were advertising. They were talking about Kmart Layaway program…
Maybe its just me, but why does Kmart need layaway? Are we in that much of a crappy economy that people need help paying for a $4 T-shirt? How much time do you need to pay for that, a week, a month? I can picture it now: “Yes, I’d like to put this shirt on layaway. I will give you a dollar now, come back next week and give you fifty cents, and by Christmas I can finally pick it up and pay the rest of it off!”
Shouldn’t a place like Bloomingdale’s and Saks Fifth Avenue have layaway instead? Wouldn’t THAT make more sense, especially when a cotton wife-beater costs more than my car payment over there… Can you imagine what life would be like if every store, restaurant, Doctor’s office and retail place had layaway: “Yes, I am only going to pay for what I’ve eaten, but next week I will come back, pay and pick up the rest of my dinner, from today.”
Alright, I’ll stop dreaming now and go back to the real world. The world where Kmart layaway and $300 underpants at Saks…
August 12, 2011 | 9:04 pm
Posted by Julia Bendis
* I was reading a story in the newspaper to Nikolas (6) about people in Somalia having to abandon their weakest children on the side of the road, in order to get their other children to a refugee camp for food and water. I explained that the Mothers have to make a choice in which one they can save. Without blinking an eye, he says: “Well, aren’t you glad we live in America Mom!”
* Me: “I can’t wait to take you guys to see the Three Muskateers movie!” Tyler: “It seems scary, not sure Mom” Me: “Oh, its fine, its like PG-something” Tyler: “Yeah, PG-13!”
* As I was about to pull out of a parking spot, I wondered if I could go forward instead of in reverse. Just as I was saying out loud: “I wonder if there is anything blocking the car in front…”, Tyler (11) says: “Um, yea BUSHES!”
* “Oh s**t, that’s super spicy!”- says Nikolas (6) while eating dinner. And then as he sees everyone’s face staring at him, “Wait, was that a bad word? I didn’t know it was a bad word. Should I not say S**T anymore?”
* At dinner, Nik my 6-year-old kept blowing on the steam, over and over again. I had to intervene: “Stop blowing, you will pass out! Oh wait, maybe its a good idea. Keep going!”
* Tyler (11) talking to his younger brother: “That’s why your room is such a mess, you don’t treat your LEGO’s with any respect!”
* Talking to Nik(6) about being nice to babies, he keeps saying that he hates babies. I point out that HE himself was once a baby. To which he says: “Mom, even when I was a baby I hated myself!”
* Walking into a Target store, Nik (6) sees the giant red balls outside the door: “Oh I love those giant balls! I can do so much with those balls, Mom!”
* While watching TV, the commercial for 76 gas comes on. The one with the kid asking his parents tons of questions while they are trying to drive. Then they show the number that parents can call for pre-recorded information on all kinds of kid questions. Nikolas (6) says: “Yeah, you are gonna need to get that for me!”
* “Dad, am I old enough to ride a dolphin yet?”, Nikolas (6)
* Nikolas (who just turned 6) has been walking around telling people he is 7. One day, after meeting a new person who asked him how old he was, Nikolas answered: “I am 7!” To which Daddy replied (for the 15th time), “No, you are 6!” Nikolas getting visibly upset: “Why do you keep saying that? I have told you many times that I am 7!”
* After seeing Nicolas Cage’s star on the Hollywood walk of fame, my Nikolas exclaimed: “Mom, I found my star! I told you I am famous!”
* Out of nowhere, while drinking iced tea Nikolas says: “Where is the ice?” Me: “You don’t need ice, its cold.” Nik: “But its ICED TEA, its supposed to have ice in it, otherwise what’s the point of calling it Iced Tea?”
* Reading Dr. Seuss book “Oh can you say the Dinosaur names!”, Dad asks: Nikolas (5), can you say Tyrannosaurus Rex?
* At dinner, Nik (5) announced that he wants his own blog! When I asked what he will write about he said: “I will write about you Mommy.” That’s appropriate, considering all I do is write about him.
* Nik (5): Mommy, do you know who I have a crush on? Me: No, who? Nik: I have a crush on girls in Bikinis. Me: All girls in Bikinis or a specific/one girl in a bikini? Nik: All the girls in bikinis. Not the little girls, like my age. But the older, bigger girls!
* I was partially dressed as Nik (5) walked into my room. I tried giving him a hug, and as he pulled away I asked why he wouldn’t hug me. “Mom, how can I, when you got all THAT going on?”, as he pointed up and down, and all over at my half-dressed body.
* Me: Nikolas, what did you do at school today?
Nik: I farted.
Me: Um, ok. What else did you do at school?
Nik: I made crap out of nothing.
* Nikolas’ kindergarten teacher keeps a notebook of all the interesting things he says in class, here’s some of it:
- Teacher, I know what heaven looks like. I saw a picture of it on my Daddy’s phone. It has clouds and trees, and a giant ladder that goes all the way to the sky, and you can take a shortcut to get there!
- During quiet, writing time: Teacher, I have a question. I was just thinking that if a Banana had a face, a mouth, a nose, eyes and ears, it could walk up to me and talk. And that would be very weird, wouldn’t it?
* Nikolas (5), was asking me a lot of questions while I was typing an email on my phone. The kids know how much I don’t like when they interrupt what I am doing. I always ask the kids to be patient, wait til I am done and then I will answer any questions they have. As he asked yet another question, he finally remembered what I have been saying about interrupting, and I heard him in the corner mumbling to himself: “Yes, I know. I guess I will have to be patient and wait til she is done texting on her phone, AGAIN! I can’t wait til I get my own phone, and show her what its like!” Point well taken.
* I bought Tyler (11) some new shirts. After I brought them home, he was looking through them and pulled out the blue, Rusty brand one. Sarcastically, he says: “Great, Mom! This will go great with my Red Rusty shirt, and my Green Rusty shirt, and my White Rusty shirt, and my Black Rusty shirt, and now my very own BLUE Rusty shirt!” Apparently, I’ve been buying him the same type Rusty Brand shirts, without even knowing it.
* The best quote ever from my 5-year-old: “I’m so happy today, and everyday! You know why? Because I’m not dead!” How simple, yet so wise!
* I was talking to my husband about my Dad being sick: “You should have seen the 5-Star service my dad got from Mom when he was sick!” Tyler (11) yells out: “He ALWAYS gets a 5-Star service from her!”
* I usually make a good sized dinner every night, typically chicken, rice, lots of vegetables, etc. One night, I only made a vegetable soup for dinner. Tyler (11) looks at the soup I just placed in front of him, and says: “Mom, are we poor?” Apparently, when you spoil your family with gourmet dinners almost every night, a simple soup with bread means we are poor.
* As usual, Nik (5) was taking forever in the bathroom. I yelled out to him: “Are you OK? Did you fall in the toilet?” “No Mommy, ONLY my butt fell in the toilet! But, its OK. I pulled it out!”
* As we were all driving one day, a car cuts us off. I yell out: “Why is that guy an idiot?” Tyler (11): “I don’t know, Mom. Why is a pickle green?”
* My 5-year-old has started to take a shower on his own. One day, while he was in the shower my husband was telling him to make sure to wash his ‘behind’ well. As Nikolas was about to do it: “Oh, this ain’t gonna be pretty!”
* Beef jerky time:
Me: Would you like some beef jerky?
My kid (5): Yea yea beef jerky!
He starts eating.
My kid: “Oh, its spicy, I need water”
Me: I don’t have any water
My kid: Well why did you give me this then?
Me: Not sure. Spit it out.
My kid: I need a napkin!
Me: Ooh lucky for you I found a napkin.
My kid: No, no - lucky for you.
* When Nikolas (5) was taking a very long time in the bathroom one night, I asked him if he was alright, if his stomach was hurting, and if it was diarrhea. He looks in the toilet, looks up at me: “Oh, its your lucky day, Mom!”
* Nik (5) didn’t want the Oats on the Oat Bran muffin, so my husband said he will scrape them off. He finished, and our kid says: “That’s good enough, Dad. You can take a break now!”
* My 5-year-old wanted to have the leftover Halloween candy, and was trying to get it. Me: “Oh, don’t eat that, its a month-old!” My kid: “No, you are a month-old!”
* While trying to clean up the house, the little one (5) kept whining that no one is giving him anything to do. It was getting on my nerves, me: “What’s with you?” My kid: “Stop saying that, there is Nothing WITH me, I don’t have anything WITH me!”
* The only show my kid (5) will watch is Sponge Bob, he is obsessed with him! I have about 100 episodes recorded. When one of the recorded shows ended, he ran up the stairs, screaming: “Mommy, Mommy, Sponge Bob bent over, it bent over!” I had no clue what he was saying, so all kinds of inappropriate thoughts ran through my head… He was trying to tell me that the show was over, it ended.
*We asked our oldest, Tyler (who was 9 yrs at the time), to do us a favor and give a shower to his little brother (4 at the time), kind of as a joke. Really didn’t think that he would actually do it. He obviously took it as a way to make a quick buck… We got this as our bill of services rendered, below!
* My 10-year-old rode his bike down to the neighborhood park, with his friends. After he got back home, asked him, “Tyler did you guys stay at the park the whole time?”. Rolling his eyes at me, “No, Mom. We went to the bar, had a few beers, you know the usual!”
* “Mom, when you were a little boy in Russia, did you speak English?” (Nikolas, 5). “You mean: when I was a little GIRL in Russia”, “No Mom, I SAID, when you were a little BOY in Russia! Everyone is born a Boy, and then turn into girls, Mom!”