June 28, 2011 | 11:41 am

Taking Matchmaking Up a Notch!

Posted by Julia Bendis

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I am trying something new here, and taking my Matchmaking to a new level a little bit.  I will be posting pictures and information of my singles on here.  If you are interested to get in touch with them, put a comment or send an email to me with your information and I will get you in touch with them.

Here are the requirements:

- You must be an eligible bachelor or bachelorette.  Meaning you are not Married!

- You must be a self-efficient adult.  Meaning if you still in your Mother’s basement, attic, or anywhere in her house, you may not apply!

- You must have a stable job.

- You must seriously want to be in a relationship, this is not Ashley Madison or Craigslist.

- If you have a prior criminal record, or conviction of any kind, you may not apply.  Even if you didn’t mean to do it.  That goes for Child Predators as well.

- If you are under the age of 28, you may not apply.

- Overall, you must be a decent human being!

Look for the first eligible Single in the next day or so…

June 23, 2011 | 11:51 am

Ghosts, Spirits and My Kids’ Wild Imagination…

Posted by Julia Bendis

Ever since my Grandmother passed away twelve years ago, I have been feeling like I am never alone.  Even if the house is completely silent and free from all and any rambunctious/annoying children, I always feel like there is someone else in there with me.  Being pretty superstitious, and paranoid of everything under the Sun I’ve never fully allowed myself to think of whatever “spirits” may be out there, but after my Grandmother died it had gotten out of hand…

Not only do I have an addiction to pleasing everyone around me, (except for myself) but my constant OCD has now spilled over onto dead people too!  What if the ghost sees how dirty the house is?  Better go vacuum before bed.  What if IT goes to the bathroom and sees my kids’ pee all over the floor?  Better go clean it up.  Is it looking at me while I’m in the shower?  Note to self: buy a new non-see-through shower door…

Days and months after my Grandmother’s passing, the home phone would ring non-stop at all hours of the day and night, and it was always silence on the other end.  This was before Caller I.D.-era so there was no way of knowing where the call was coming from.  The lights would come on at random times, as well as the ceiling fans. It wasn’t until my first child was born that I felt like whatever “IT” was, was actually living in my house.  My son was probably a few months old, when one night he was crying uncontrollably.  There was nothing we could do to calm him down, and as I stood there holding him I turned my back to one of the corners in his bedroom.  His face was facing that corner.  All of a sudden he stopped crying.  It was SO sudden that I thought for sure he was looking at something, but there was absolutely nothing there.  He went from sobbing to laughing within a matter of seconds,which made my skin crawl.  I had goose bumps all over my body as I watched him giggle in delight and stare at the corner of that wall.  Obviously, there was something he was seeing that I couldn’t…  Having a terrible Postpartum depression, I just blamed it on that and tried to move on.

As time went on, the phone calls stopped but the lights and fans in the house continued to come alive on their own, very sporadically.  The same events continued in our second home, but a lot less.  It wasn’t until my son was about three-years-old that I started to get those eerie feelings again.  One day out of the blue he declared that he sees a “man” in the corner just standing there.  It was always a man for some reason…  Then when I had my second son, he too started to see “things”.  While having dinner one night, he yelled out that there is a “Man” walking back and forth in the backyard past our window.  When I asked him what he is doing there, he told me that he is just walking around.  So then I asked if he was a “White” figure or a “Dark” figure, having heard a lot about the “dark and bad kind” of spirits, to which he replied, “White, and I can see right through him”.  Now this child has an extremely wild imagination, to the extent of his teacher keeping a journal of all the things he says during the day, so I didn’t quite believe him at first.  He has been known to weave a good tale on many occasions, with a straight face too…  However, this time it was different.  He yelled it out at the exact same moment as I was having a strange feeling that there was something starring at me from behind the glass door.  As I turned around, my son was pointing to this “Man” walking around in the back yard…

I don’t know, maybe my kids are getting to ‘Mom’s stash of weed’, or just having a wild imagination but something doesn’t feel right.  Its hard to know when my youngest is telling the truth, especially when the day before he exclaimed that on his recent trip to China World he saw all kinds of things,  “And oh my I saw so many different dragons and monsters, and everyone was talking to me in Chinese, and guess what Mom?  I totally knew what they were saying!”  When asked when this “trip” occurred, without hesitation he answered: “When you and Dad weren’t looking!”  Or the time when he had us all fooled by hiding the dog in the closet, telling me she got out and was chasing bunnies down the hill, making me run half-dressed up and down our street looking for the damn thing only to come back to his grinning face as he pulls the poor dog out of the closet…  At that moment, when you realize that a five-year-old just pulled the best April Fools joke on his own Mother, do you threaten to physically harm the child, or feel stupid for not having checked the house first, then run out the door like a maniac???  I am sure my neighbors are used to seeing someone from my household running half-naked up and down the street, that’s not even an issue anymore.  The same kid on many occasions enjoys taking all his clothes off, while chasing the neighborhood kids around.  We don’t condone it, but we also don’t frown upon such behavior either.  Why?  Because I’m just too damn tired to care about what my neighbors think. They know we are freaks, and his nudist ways helps keep people away.  So, go for it kid.

I do however worry a little bit about that wild imagination, and hope that both of my kids are telling the truth about “seeing” various spirits and ghosts around the house.  It is really starting to mess with my head.  I’m not proud of having to tell these “spirits” not to look at the mess upstairs…

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June 20, 2011 | 2:12 pm

Vintage Stores and the big Dilemma…

Posted by Julia Bendis

I absolutely love shopping at Vintage and Second-Hand shops.  The thrill of getting a one of a kind piece of jewelry or dress is indescribable!  Finding that beautiful 50’s dress that no one else has is one of the reasons I enjoy Thrift stores, another is the fact that I absolutely hate shopping at the mall or any other kinds of stores.

I don’t understand how women, (and by Women, I mean my Mother) can spend five hours at the Mall only to come home with nothing!  On many occasions I foolishly agreed to go with her, to do the whole Mother-Daughter shopping experience, but quickly realizing it was a big mistake.  Three hours later, you could find me slumped in a chair, yes THAT chair designated for husbands right outside the Women’s fitting room.  Dehydrated, hungry and exhausted I am heard blurting out the same answer to every shirt my Mother comes out wearing: “Yes, its perfect!”, to which my Mother replies: “You are not even looking at me!  And what about this top, that looks just like the exact same top I just tried on only in light pink instead of pink?  Do you think I should get the pink or light pink?”  And that’s when you will observe me grabbing both tops out of her hand, walking over to the cashier and paying for them both, just so we can get the hell out of this place.  Of course my Mother will give me a lecture about how I spend too much money, and the next day return both of the shirts.

I have no clue how my Mother does it, she is a Diabetic!  She has to eat every couple of hours or else she will pass out.  The only explanation I can come up with is either she carries around a purse full of food or the emotional high of clothes shopping gets her so excited that her body forgets it needs nourishment.  I’m still working on the hypothesis…

Not only do I hate the crowds, scouring the racks but also knowing that someone else at any given moment could be wearing the exact same dress that I am, and I pray to never run into her!  A few times in my adult life, I have shown up to a party only to turn around and leave because someone else was wearing the same outfit…  I know its totally a woman’s thing, men don’t care if another guy is wearing the same shoes, shirt or anything else.

That’s why I love Thrift stores and one of a kind Mom-and-Pop shops.  I don’t mind that all the clothes are used in there, that’s not a big deal to me.  What I DO mind are the stores that keep their lights super dim especially in the fitting rooms!  It took me a couple trips to a Vintage store to realize WHY they keep the lights so low.  Those stains on my gorgeous 1950’s party dress ain’t going anywhere.  And believe me, I tried everything.  Bleach, super extra-strength OXY-Clean that promises to get out “even the toughest stains”, good old-fashioned baking soda, dry cleaning, etc.  You name it, I tried it!  Considering the stains have been there since the 1954, its probably a big waste of my time trying to get them out…

If I could only teach and then bribe my kids to do clothes shopping for me… now that would be the sweetest thing ever!  I know I couldn’t trust my Mother to buy me clothes; I’m pretty sure that if it was up to her I would be walking around looking like a cross between Dita Von Teese and a teenage hooker…  No offense, Mom but not all of us look good wearing mini-skirts paired with a lace-up bustier…

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June 16, 2011 | 10:02 am

Chivalry is Dead!

Posted by Julia Bendis

What has become of chivalry?  Does it even exist anymore?  Everywhere I go I’m seeing women carrying big packages, pushing bulky strollers, and lugging around overweight toddlers while their men are cruising by without a care in the world!  The thing is that it doesn’t even seem like the women mind it as much as I do.  They walk around very proudly of their non-mannered men.  What happened to our society?  What happened to men opening doors for women?  Have we become so self-efficient, and so independent that we no longer need chivalry, romance, or a simple gesture of kindness?

And what are we teaching our sons, that its alright NOT to hold the door open for a woman.  Maybe I’m old-fashioned but when I happen to be behind a man or anyone for that matter, I just assume that they will hold the door open behind them.  They don’t have to open the door for me, just hold it open after you walk through it if there is someone behind you.  Unfortunately, being that naive has led the door to slam in my face many times.

Just the other day I was walking out of a Doctor’s office with my kids when a man was walking in.  I assumed he was going to hold the door open for my kids and I, so I proceeded to rush my boys through the door right as this idiot let go of it.  Not wanting my son to get slammed in the face by the heavy door, I leaped into it with my body.  And yes, my back still hurts but not as much as my feelings.  As much as I wanted to go off on this pathetic excuse for a man, I wasn’t going to do it in front of my kids.  Instead I made sure to notice which office he walked into.  Can you guess what happens next?

I walked my children to a nearby bench, where we sat down for a snack.  While they had their snack, I pulled out a notepad (yes I carry one with me to write down jokes that randomly pop into my head, or in this case assault an imbecile) and started writing a letter to this thoughtful man.

“Dear thirty-something-well-mannered-gentelman:

My name is Julia and we just met moments ago when you didn’t have a minute to spare to hold a door open for me and my kids.  In case you had forgotten me, I was the Mom leaping into a steel-made door so it wouldn’t slam into my child’s innocent face.  You did however spare a second by looking back to find out what all the ruckus was all about.  So sorry for the disturbance.  Do you remember me now?

Could you do me a big favor?  Could you deliver this letter to your parents for me?  Thank you so much.  I would like to address your parents now.

Dear Parents of this half-wit, mannered-free, so-called Man.  I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for raising such a thoughtful, and well-mannered man!  Just today he helped me remember what a jungle this world is, and that I should never ever assume other people would hold the door open for my children and I.  It was a total disregard of my duties as a parent to almost let my son’s face collide with a door!  It has taught me a huge lesson, and I would like to thank you for that!  Thank you again for raising such an upstanding citizen, who is a great contribution to our society.

Sincerely,

A Mother who almost let her kid get hit by a door.”

I walked back into the office where this man was, saw him sitting in the waiting room and proceeded to give him the note.  “This is for you, Sir.  Happy reading!”, I announced as he stared blankly at me.

Now I just hope to never run into him again…

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June 13, 2011 | 9:46 pm

Soviet Dentists and My Anxiety…

Posted by Julia Bendis

Is it just me or do other people have a huge phobia of Dentists?  I don’t know why I have such a fear of them, but I do know that I’d rather have another baby than go to the Dentist.  Actually, now that I think about it, I would even prefer a colonoscopy to having someone put their hands and sharp tools into my mouth.  The night before my appointment I have to either consume large amounts of alcohol or take Valium, otherwise I lay awake all night starring at the ceiling.  You would think that having a Grandmother that used to be a Dentist would make one MORE comfortable with getting dental work, but in my case I believe that it made me LESS comfortable. 
Let me explain.  My Grandmother went to dental school right after the War, which might as well have been during dinosaur times.  The fact that she never worked on her children or grandchildren was definitely alarming to me, and raised a lot of questions in my head as to why she always referred us to other dentists…  She had no problem with fixing other people’s teeth, but when it came to us she would state: “I have a very heavy hand and don’t want to hurt you.”  To this day I have absolutely no clue what that means.
Or maybe my brain has ingrained the image of all those Soviet dentists I had to go to as a child.  The memory of getting my teeth pulled without Novocain, the pre-historic tools they used, the cavity work without anesthetic, etc…  I wonder if any of that has to do with my terrible fear of the dental chair? 
I do remember getting out of mandatory visits to the Dentist with my class.  For those of you not familiar with how Communism works, apparently the government has the right to decide when and how children are supposed to visit the Dentist, amongst other physicians.  Basically, during various times throughout the school year our teacher would take us on a “field trip” to the Dentist.  And every year, as soon as I was placed in the dental chair, I would announce that my Grandmother is a practicing Dentist therefore there was no need for my check up.  A couple times I did get away with it, but most times I ended up being dragged back there by my Mother the very next day.  Let’s just say that by forth grade I had developed a file that read DIFFICULT/DEFIANT. 
Not only did we have “fieldtrips” to the Dentist, but we also got visited by “nurses” in the beginning of the school year to give out vaccines right there at our desks!  Dead, honest truth.  They had those Sci-Fi looking guns that shot out a dose of vaccine, which sounded like an air gun going off.  It was the scariest thing in the world, and we all dreaded those days when the “nurses” made their rounds through the school.  We had other so-called fieldtrips also, to clinics and medical offices to name a few.  I wasn’t kidding when I wrote awhile back that when my husband got to go on potato chip factories on his fieldtrips, I went on Concentration Camp fieldtrips.  But that wasn’t until we were much older, more mature and able to comprehend the atrocities of the Holocaust, around the age of twelve or so.  More on that later.
Could all of that contribute to my anxiety and debilitating fear of dentists? 

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June 9, 2011 | 11:50 am

The laws according to a Super Model, Gisele Bündchen!

Posted by Julia Bendis

Have you heard the breaking news?

Gisele Bündchen, the Victoria’s Secret supermodel and a wife of pretty-boy NFL star Tom Brady has announced that she would like to pass a law mandating Mothers having to Breastfeed their babies for a minimum of six (6) months!  Yes, the skinny bitch has opened her mouth instead of strutting her starvation-diet, hungry, angry face on the catwalk.  Another ignorant woman to make the rest of the women look bad, again! Yes, Ms. Palin I am talking to you.

Like anyone cares about what a Victoria’s Secret model has to say…  Just look skinny and sexy, strut your perky little B cups on the runway, keep taking lingerie photos for my Victoria’s Secret magazine that my husband eagerly awaits for, and we’ll all be happy.  Don’t talk.  Don’t try and make any kind of illegible and ignorant comments to the media, just be quiet, look hot and collect your millions.  We only want to look at you, not hear from you.  That’s all we, the regular folk ask of you, is that too much?  Someone who has a body like yours, one of the hottest husbands in the world (who happens to do everything you tell him to even if that mop on his head makes him the laughing stock of NFL), no real problems and on top of it is a millionaire?  How could you possibly understand real women who have real breasts, and real problems with breastfeeding?  With everything we know about the health benefits of nursing, don’t you think that if everyone could do it, they absolutely would?  Way to go you rich, stuck-up idiot to make Mothers feel worse about not being able to breastfeed their babies due to our DDDD-engorged-with-milk-watermelons-that-produce-an-ounce-of-milk-per-hour-per-breast!

Or maybe her real motivation is to teach all babies of the world self-control, discipline and how to properly diet from an early age.  Just because your Mother’s milk is taking forever to come down into your mouth does not give you the right to cry!  It is because your Mother’s breasts are not making enough milk for you that you will be lean, thin, angry machine just like Gisele Bündchen and the rest of the models!  Babies don’t need proper nutrition, and like my six-year-old likes to say: you get what you get, and you don’t get upset!

There babies, Mrs. Tom Brady has decided that its better for you to only have an ounce of breast milk at your feedings but be skinny and angry, instead of a full bottle but be fat and happy!  There is your logic according to an expert supermodel…

I sure hope to run into her one day!  Boy would I love to have a specific word with her.

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June 7, 2011 | 10:10 am

Oh Sarah Palin, what nonsense fell out of your mouth now…

Posted by Julia Bendis

Before I start, I’d just like to acknowledge that apparently, or should I say allegedly Sarah Palin’s knowledge of American history came from her misguided ten-year-old daughter.  That or she was raised by wolves in the forest.  That is the only explanation that I could find to her unapologetic statements about Paul Revere the other day.  Even I, someone who was raised in the Communist Soviet Union where you learned history based upon what the government wanted you to know not what really happened, also learned about Paul Revere’s warning calls to the Patriots.

After checking with my fifth grader, it was confirmed that they are still teaching that Revere’s midnight ride and warning calls were in fact to the American Patriots, not to the British soldiers.  As I have tried to come up with reasons and excuses for why this poor, ignorant woman would make such claims, this is what I’ve come up with:

1.  Palin is just plain stupid.  And as my grandma used to say:  “You can fix anything, but you just can’t fix stupid no matter how hard you try.”

2.  Sarah Palin has invented her own version of American and Republican history.

3.  Palin is really a genius who purposely creates material for Saturday Night Live, so she can claim success of the show as her own.

4.  She is undercover for Comedy Central.

5.  Nope, she is just plain stupid.

6.  She was the only one to come out of her igloo to vote herself into the Governor’s office, therefore she has to be right.

7.  In America, if you don’t have the brains but got the looks, it gives you the right to make up your own version of history.

8.  Nope, just plain stupid.

9.  She can see Russia from her house!

10.  This excerpt from the Katie Couric interview explains it all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRkWebP2Q0Y&feature=related

Do we really expect anything different from a woman who can’t name a single newspaper, and claims that she knows foreign policy based on the fact that she lives “next door” to Russia, therefore can “spy” on them?

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June 4, 2011 | 11:40 am

With the over-abundance of Synagogues in O.C., I had to pick this one!

Posted by Julia Bendis

For months, my family and I have been looking for the perfect Congregation to join.  Its not easy when you have many needs.  I wanted a place where the Rabbi is young and energetic, and has the patience to work with children.  A Rabbi who stays current on all that is happening in the world, but relates his services to us that live in America.  As much as I sympathize with Israel and the challenges it faces every day, I don’t necessarily want to hear about it at every single Shabbat service. I want to learn more about being Jewish, and how to educate my children better, not be constantly reminded how I need to give more to the people of Israel!  How much more can I give to the people of Israel?  Its enough that every six months I get a call from the Jewish Federation telling me its that time of the year, again.  What time is that, you ask?  The time of the year when they call the Jews of America to guilt them into giving money to Israel, again.  They need my money to plant more trees in Israel.  How many f-ing trees do you need in a country the size of Rhode Island?

So after visiting many, we finally decided on a Reform Temple not far from our house; signed away out first born, gave away half of my paycheck and some lunch money for my boy’s religious school and were ready to embark on our religious journey.  That is until I took my son to my favorite Jewish Doctor, who happened to inform me that the Rabbi of the very same Congregation that we just joined was a philanderer, and had an affair with one of the Congregants.  Let me re-phrase it.  A very married Rabbi had an affair with one of the women in his Congregation.  Now, like I wrote before I do not judge nor condone that behavior.  I don’t care what he does in his free time, he could be sleeping with five different women for all I care.  What I do care about is him continuing to preach about doing the “right thing” in life, being a “good person”, “being honest”, etc.  If he just came out to the whole Congregation and told the truth, I would have no problem listening to his sermons.  Otherwise, I have a very big problem listening to him preach about “being a good Jew and a human-being”.

How does it happen that out of the myriad of Synagogues out there, we end up picking this one?  As much as I love a little drama, chaos and disorder, this is a bit much for my taste.  Do we keep going to this Temple pretending like everyone else in Orange County that everything is peachy, or take back our money, our first born and get the hell out of there?

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