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We got Apples and Oranges and Pears, Oh My!

by Julia Bendis

April 28, 2011 | 3:33 pm

Watching Chelsea Handler the other night made me think of all the idiotic names parents give their children these days.  You might have guessed by that intro that she had none other than Gwyneth Paltrow as a guest on her show.  As Chelsea asked about her daughter Apple, I couldn’t help but notice a smile creep up on her face as she tried not to crack up.

Whatever happened to normal kid names?  I don’t know children with normal names like Ryan, Steven, or Jennifer anymore.  I can’t remember the last time I was at my kids school, and heard one of the Mothers yell out a normal name!  Seriously, its all Stone, Rock, Pebble, Fuse, Laser and my favorite: Athur, no I didn’t say Arthur, I said Athur!

What kind of an idiot names their child Laser?  Or in Ms. Paltrow’s case, Moses.  She’s got a fruit for a daughter already, but now her son has to live with up to the name like Moses…  Isn’t it bad enough that the kid is half-Jewish, why would you punish the kid more by naming him Moses?  Does he always have to remind everyone that he is a Jew?  Why not just name the kid Jesus while you are at it…

I can only imagine how badly he will get teased at school?  The kids don’t care that your Daddy is the lead singer of Coldplay, and your Mommy is a bad actress.  His school day will go something like this:  Hey Moses, why don’t you come over here and spread the sea for us!  Hey Moses, come help your people get to the lunch tables safely!  Hey Moses, when are you gonna stop walking around in the Desert?  Hey Moses, show us your special powers!

Without a doubt there will be those that say these names are great because they are different, they make the child stand out in a sea of ordinary names, blah, blah and more blah…  So what?  How very special will your kid feel when he is getting his ass kicked every day because he is named after a vegetable, or a naturally occurring solid aggregate?  Keep telling your kids how super “special” their name is, just don’t cry in eighteen years when they change it to Bob.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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I was born in Ukraine, in the former USSR, and grew up in Riga, Latvia which is on the Baltic Sea.  My family and I immigrated to the United States in 1989, right before the...

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