March 7, 2011 | 11:20 am

The Real Housewives of O.C. Are Back!

Posted by Julia Bendis

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I am ecstatic to say that the Real Housewives of Orange County are back on television!  Of course when I say ecstatic, I mean that in every sarcastic way possible…  Can’t you just feel me rolling my eyes when I write this?  Not only are they back for a brand new season, but this time they did some house cleaning.  If you haven’t seen the first episode Sunday night, let me paraphrase the episode. 

First of all they got rid of all the brunettes on the show, with the exception of one hot, Brazilian, lesbian trainer, but she doesn’t count.  All the so-called ‘housewives’ are now your standard issued California blondes, with breast implants bigger than most watermelons, Botox-contaminated foreheads, and yes they are still calling themselves ‘regular’ housewives.  How can they continue calling this show “the housewives” when all but one of the women are either divorced or single?  Shouldn’t it be “The Real Divorcée’s of Orange County”?  Or “The Real Pathetic Middle-Aged Single Divorcée’s of Orange County”.  That has a much better ring to it, don’t you think?

Second, when the show first started the women were fairly behaved.  In this case, fairly behaved means they only resorted to verbal abuse with each other, however this season is looking to be a much more bang for your buck.  If the first episode is any indication, we are in for some incredible cat fights, binge drinking, stripping, and of course lesbian shenanigans which I am pretty sure is the only reason my husband decided to tune in this year. 
As much as we all love to watch a train wreck happen, this show is particularly worth watching.  If nothing else, one will learn the proper use of a Nanny, like when your three children are under the age of two you must use three Nannies at all times, but as they get older, two Nannies are sufficient.  Another great lesson is when one files for divorce, you have to wait at least a week before jumping in the sack with a new suitor.  Anything less will be viewed as trashy.   
And my favorite lesson of all: whatever you do, do not get pink tattoo of your husband’s name, it is the hardest color to remove.  You are better off sticking to the traditional black or blue ink.  Also, don’t get matching tattoos with your spouse because it hurts like hell getting them removed.  You are much better off getting a tramp stamp of a flaming sun, or a beautiful dolphin on your ass.

This show makes me feel so much better about my life.  I hope this serves as a bit of a guide into a sensational franchise of idiotic television.  Happy watching people!