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April 11, 2011 | 1:07 pm

Oh Jared Leto, how little I knew about your band…

Posted by Julia Bendis

What started out as a surprise of a lifetime, quickly turned into a XXX porn show for many children and one particular fifth-grader.

I like to think that I am a pretty fun parent, but when my husband and I surprised our eleven-year-old with tickets to Thirty Seconds to Mars concert, my ‘cool factor’ went through the roof!  Yes, I measure my coolness by the lack of booing in my home when I occasionally do something that is viewed as fun by my dear, spoiled children.  Considering this was the first “real” concert that my son would be going to, it was a big deal.  Sure he’s gone to other concerts before, he is a veteran concert goer!  We took him to a Blue’s Clues concert when he was just three years old, and the Wiggles concert when he was five, and who could forget the Doodlebops concert!  Now that’s what you call ‘Quality Entertainment’.

I don’t remember much of the Blue’s Clues concert, probably because my girlfriend and I were indulging in our brand new flasks that were purchased specifically for this event, at our local Target of course, right before the show.  I believe most parents in the audience were seen sipping through some sort of portable drinking devices…

Unfortunately, the Wiggles concert I did not attend.  If I remember correctly, the night before I suddenly came down with an unknown-to-man stomach bug and was unable to join the family for this joyous activity.  As my husband later described the torturous two hours of his life, all I could do is remind him that if I had to sit through two hours of Blue’s Clues, the least he could do was pretend to enjoy the Wiggles!  After all, the Wiggles sang songs and danced around, all Blue ever did was make incoherent noises and make Steve look like an idiot for guessing what the hell that dog was trying to say.  Did you ever notice Blue roll her eyes at him every time he guessed wrong?  You didn’t?  Well, I did.  I clearly remember suggesting the flask to him, but being a non-drinker at children’s events, my husband decided to do it sober.  Bad idea.

What about the Doodlebops, you ask?  Well…  I really didn’t want to go there, particularly because we had amazing seats that were FREE!  If this was a Rock concert I could reach out and touch the performers, but seeing that this was a Doodlebops concert I had to refrain myself from reaching up and tearing the ugly, pink wig off the girl and throwing it at her.  Towards the end of the show, they asked some of the more “outgoing” kids to come up on stage, which I took as a direct invite for me to run up there, however as I tried to get out of my seat I realized that something was holding me down.  I kept getting pulled back into the chair, over and over and over again.  Having drank a liter of rum and Coke during the show, it took me a few minutes to figure out that my husband had his hand wrapped around my shirt therefore preventing me from getting up.  I still don’t understand how he can predict my every move, minutes before I actually decide to make the move!

Let’s go back to Thirty Seconds to Mars.  I realize that I should have researched this band a bit more thoroughly, and more importantly Jared Leto before purchasing tickets.  Neither myself or my husband knew that the guy just released a new video called “Hurricane”, which they decided to show at the beginning of their performance.  This is the part where you stop reading, pull up a new window and look up Hurricane on www.Youporn.com.  Yes, I said youporn, not youtube because that’s where you will find it.  Did you see it?  Good.

As the giant screen went from black to Dominatrix, all I could do was shove my son’s face into my chest as fast as my instincts allowed.  After which I heard an “Ew” and a “Ouch”, but I made him stay in that position for the next fifteen minutes as graphic S & M scenes displayed on the screen.  The only thing missing was the moaning and groaning, which was replaced by Leto’s character in the video trying to sing while performing.  And when I say ‘performing’, I am talking about him trying to have sex with what i can only describe as a Mythical creature who transforms into a woman, man, animal, you name it…  I was about to write that I think my son learned a few things that night, but truthfully I think I learned a few things myself.  For instance, when you rescue a girl from her pimp while she is dressed as a cat in an S & M costume, make sure you let her know how grateful she should be by having sex with her right after.  That’ll teach her to go around whoring herself out!  I don’t know if you can tell, but that’s the only thing I got out of that video, even though I am sure there is some kind of a deeper and darker explanation.  If you figure it out, do me a huge favor and post a comment telling me what it is!

When the band finally came on at around 10 o’clock, they were great!  They could have been even greater if Leto would stop talking and do some actual singing.  Who does he think he is, a Comedian?  When I come to a music concert, I want to hear music.  Not some 39-year-old, ex-Levi’s jeans model talking the whole time.  In the amount of time he spent wasting by getting the crowd jumping and screaming for no other reason than him ripping his shirt off, he could have performed at least three more songs.  And then the genius decided to start ‘walking’ on people in the crowd, yes I said walking.  And what do you know?  The half drunk, half stoned teenagers dropped his skinny ass!  I swear that was the best part of the concert, I was laughing so hard that the overweight 40-year-old Mother of three sitting next to me looked like she was about to beat my ass.  Not to mention my son who leaned over and asked if Jared was going to get trampled by all the people.  My response: “I hope so!”  That didn’t go over too well with him.

And where was my husband this whole time, you ask?  He was sitting down while everyone else was standing, checking his email, along with plotting the best escape route out of Gibson theater on his Blackberry navigation system.  I am not even making a joke here, dead honest truth.  I am pretty sure the only time he was fully awake was during the porn video, and the only reason I know that for a fact is because he made several comments about it on the way home.  Ask him about the actual concert.  I bet every single one of you that’s reading this $20 he has no clue if they were a rock, pop or rap group!  Alright maybe he knows, but the rest maybe a bit blurry.

I am not saying that the concert was bad, not at all.  It was a great concert.  And think of all new experiences that my son learned about: the mask wearing Dominatrix that looked like half bug/half woman, all new smells in the air and why he should selectively hold his breath at various moments, the list goes on and on…  Its priceless!

So, I would like to thank Jared Leto and his band for giving me the most uncomfortable fifteen minutes of my life!  Never in my whole adult life did I think I’d be watching porn with my fifth-grader, but overall a great show from someone who has tried it all, acting, modeling, directing and now singing!  All of a sudden a Wiggles concert sounds so appealing…  Stay tuned.

17 Comments — Leave your comment

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Brilliant review!  Although we didn’t get the video, I felt the same way after the Denver concert.

Comment by Margaret on 4/11/11 at 2:03 pm

Thanks for the comment, Margaret! Appreciate you reading this one, especially because its one of my longer ones!  I am glad you didn’t get the video smile

Comment by Julia Bendis on 4/11/11 at 2:33 pm

Honey…concerts are not meant for little children, you are a moron for taking him in the first place

Comment by Francine on 4/11/11 at 3:44 pm

I also went to a 30 Seconds to Mars gig at the end of last year, and we got shown the Hurricane video too. I’m 15 and thought it was rediculous. I used to really like 30STM yet lost a lot of respect for them when they released that video. It’s absolutely awful. That evening my sister also managed to get on stage for “Kings and Queens” and we then realised how up himself Jared Leto is. He was incredibly rude to everyone. I’ve lost any respect I had for him previously.

Comment by Louise on 4/11/11 at 3:51 pm

This band is my favorite band ever and Jared leto is my favorite person ever that being said I would never take any of the small children I know to a concert of theirs whether they showed Hurricane or not. Their concerts are for hardcore people and you have to understand the messages of his videos to get the strong themes. Yes not suitable for small children but their meant to provoke conversation not meant for porn. Jared wants to stir conversations so you actually did what he wants in a weird way. Also I have seen them several times in performance he always goes into the audience and talks to them alot. He wants to be close to the fans so it would be lost on someone who is not a fan why all the talking and stuff. Im sorry you had a bad time I guess next time you’ll check the music, Jared never said the band was meant for kids. Your son could have gotten hurt actually. I have been to concert when if your in the pit it gets dangerous with all the people. I love the experience but even I know it isnt for everyone. I would have never taken my mother. Bummer though I always have fun love every second.

Comment by Natalie on 4/11/11 at 4:32 pm

Listen, lady… Nobody said that a Thirty Seconds To Mars concert was for kids. I’m 13. Maybe I’m too young, but I’m perfectly fine at their shows. I mean yeah, I’ve got myself caught in a mosh pit before. I’ve been exposed to sex. It’s not really a big deal. I can see how you’re upset about Hurricane, but that’s Jared’s image, so he has the right to express that. I was at this concert, and it was absolutely amazing. Sure, rock concerts are a little out there, but honestly, what did you expect? I’m glad you enjoyed the actual show, however, your view is a little off, ma’am. When Jared speaks, he speaks to the crowd. He interacts with us to make the experience better than it already is. He likes to connect with the fans. Also, the “half-drunk, half-stoned” kids didn’t drop him. It was this guy who apparently didn’t have him like he said he did. So, he fell. I was standing right next to him. And I honestly don’t find it funny, because he fell hard. At least it was on the guy. Another thing, the chick in the video was a bunny. Not a cat. Overall, I think you should maybe do more research, or maybe not take your 5th grader to a rock concert. Maybe he’s being too… Shielded. I don’t know, but next time, appreciate the music and quit being negative.

Comment by Megsy From Mars on 4/11/11 at 8:25 pm

Oh, and by the way, if you’re referring to the “cat” (bunny) girl with Tomo, he didn’t have sex with her. It was a kiss. Talk about hyperbole.

Comment by Megsy From Mars on 4/11/11 at 9:00 pm

While this is kind of an amusing read, I could tell it was going downhill the moment I read that Mars was the first “real” concert after a bunch of kiddie stuff.  I’m also going to guess you would have enjoyed it more if you hadn’t happened to go to one of the few shows where the latest music video was shown.  No, sexual content isn’t everyone’s thing.  But neither is 30 Seconds To Mars.  Yeah, Jared can ramble on at times, but I’ll take someone trying to engage the crowd and make them feel a part of it than a band that virtually ignores the crowd, as quite a lot do.  All in all I think it was the wrong show for you at the wrong time.  I’ll bet if you went to another you’ll find yourself (and your son) to have a better time.  Who knows, your son might even end up on stage if Jared spots him.  The last show I was at Jared picked a boy out of the balcony who was probably about your son’s age to come on stage and play drums with Shannon during “Kings & Queens.”  The band loves their kid fans, just like they love their older fans, and everyone in between.

Comment by L on 4/12/11 at 10:09 am

Thirty Seconds to Mars is probably one of the best bands around today. Although the video for “Hurricane” is rather graphic,they are one of the few bands out there today that don’t only sing about getting a piece of ass. Their work has depth and meaning behind it. Alot of what they do is for a cause. “Hurricane” is not a porn. It is an artistic display that leaves the fans thinking of the deeper meaning behind it. And as an avid concert goer ?I hate when a band comes out and only sings. I am paying for more than hearing their music, I can do that on my ipod. I want them to engage the crowd, talk to us, make us feel like a part of the band for just that one night.

Comment by Lynn on 4/12/11 at 12:15 pm

You really should listen to interviews about the hurricane video. Clearly you aren’t a creative person. You have to push limits of creative expression. Get over it soccer mom.

Comment by Lexi on 4/12/11 at 9:12 pm

I repeat: THIS IS COMEDY. For those of you without a sense of humor, like Lexi for example I suggest you walk away, walk away fast child. This will all go over your head. If you knew anything about me, and bothered to research me just a tiny bit, you would never have the hutzpah to call me a Soccer Mom! I urge you to read my personal site: easternblocklox.wordpress.com, where you will learn how the opposite of a soccer mom I am. Lexi, before you comment on people’s posts, make sure you know what the hell you are talking about. This goes to the 13-year-old Megsy as well. Soccer Moms do not take their kids to rock concerts. Go call your mother!
Everything I write is pure comedy and for entertainment only! Thank you!
Julia

Comment by Julia Bendis on 4/13/11 at 2:23 pm

You sound rather ridiculous, first I have never heard of getting drunk and smuggling alcohol into children’s shows.If they are that bad, buy the DVD. Secondly, yes you are an uncool Mom in so many ways. You don’t check to see what sort of band and what sort of concert you are going to see. If you are taking younglings, youtube is your friend, everything is there for you to check out before you buy tickets. Thirdly, how much did you drink because bunny girl does not have sex in the video, she gets a kiss. There is plenty of sexy stuff going on in the video Hurricane, but you have your own version due to, sippy cups with gin in them maybe? Sounds like your speed.
A 30 Seconds To Mars concert is pretty much adult entertainment, or at least knowledgeable 15 or 16 year olds and up. So basically you did not do your homework, and we are supposed to commiserate with you. Sorry, Jared likes to swear, he likes to call out the crowd, he likes to disturb s***, because he is a s*** disturber. Mars fans know this, and they choose to go, or to stay home and listen to the C.D’s.

PS Tell us truthfully,did you try to flash Doodlebops your T*ts, after your rum and coke? I can totally see your husband sinking in his chair, trying to pretend you are not together, and wow, way to teach your child early on how to get liquored up before/during a show.

Comment by Undeniable on 4/17/11 at 8:10 pm

Hey Undeniable! Or should I say, Hey lack of sense of humor guy:

Read my earlier comments. This is a COMEDY blog, hence the comedy and exaggeration! I suggest you go get yourself a sense of humor, especially while reading a Humor column. Sounds like you might need help in that department, send me your address and I’d be more than happy to send you some $ for that.
Do us all a favor, lighten up. Oh and don’t forget to read more comedy and humor on my personal blog: easternblocklox.wordpress.com It would do your body good smile

Yours truly,

Julia

Comment by Julia Bendis on 4/17/11 at 8:18 pm

I read several, I truly read them, sorry, I did not find them funny, not that they are bad, just not really funny. I love everything from Seinfeld, Family Guy, Monty Python, Dumb and Dumber, Borat etc. etc. I still don’t know if you were slightly offended, or had a great time at your Mars concert. I personally think you should stick to the Wiggles,I’ll go see 30 Seconds To Mars.

PS You got one part right, Jared Leto is a genius.

Comment by Undeniable on 4/17/11 at 10:26 pm

Humor column, I dont think so…i think ur an uptight prude. Get over it!!! I think its pretty creepy u shoving ur sons face in ur chest! Maybe u shoulddo some research before u take ur kid to a concert so ulll have a clue about what ur seeing!

Comment by Nottygirl on 4/26/11 at 9:56 pm

Wow…if this is supposed to be a “comedic” article maybe you should learn what comedy is, because you just sound like an uneducated prick.

Comment by Monkey1457 on 4/28/11 at 2:57 pm

Well, it was pretty stupid of you to take a 10 year-old to a 30STM concert.

Oh, and have you seen his abs? I wish that he’d ripped his shirt off at the concert I went to. wink
But he lifted it up in front of me, good enough. :D

Comment by amy on 8/29/11 at 12:02 pm

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