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July 18, 2011 | 8:26 pm
Oh Carnival Cruise Line, how I wish you’d step up to the rest of them…
Posted by Julia Bendis
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Maybe some of you noticed that I haven’t written in the last week. Alright, none of you noticed but that’s not the point. My husband and I took the boys on a long awaited vacation on board the “brand new” Carnival cruise ship called ‘Splendor’, or as I am calling it ‘Ineptness’.
We looked forward to this vacation for months now, my kids even checking off each day on the calendar since this was to be their very first cruise! Frankly, I had always known that Carnival was at the bottom of the barrel as far as customer service and food goes. However, living in Southern California we didn’t have many choices since Royal Caribbean pulled its ships out of this area and we didn’t want to fly to Florida for their Caribbean cruise. What a mistake! We should have spent more and flown there.
Where do I start? Here is the chain of events, pretty much as they happened.
- Feeling extremely proud about the incredible “deal” I got for the two ocean-view rooms, we piled incredible amounts of luggage into my Father’s car and impatiently drove to the Long Beach pier. At the same time, my husband impatiently waited for the moment where I would be forced to turn off my Blackberry and surrender it to him. (Those were the terms of our agreement, and the reality of me not wanting to pay the $10 per kilobyte per text, e-mail or $15 per phone call)
- As we neared the boarding zone, I scrambled to send out the very last e-mail and text… I know. Pathetic.
- Once checked in, we proceeded to take our first corny picture of the cruise, under a make-shift Mexican looking doorway with a huge sign that read: CARNIVAL. Because every doorway in Mexico has an advertisement for a cruise ship over it.
- The first sign of panic hit me as I glanced at our key cards and noticed the name: RIVIERA under deck name. I quickly looked it up on the ship’s map only to confirm my concern that indeed it was the lowest deck on-board… Having called Carnival numerous times to add and change things to our reservations I thought it was a bit odd that none of the eight (8) different representatives that I talked to bothered to mention that: “Oh, by the way just to make sure you know that you are on the very bottom of the ship, just above the crew cabins!”
- As we continued to walk towards the ship I quickly recalled one representative mentioning that our cabins are at the very END of the ship. One more look at the map confirmed that yes in fact that’s where the ship’s engine room and propellers are located. Again, having called Carnival numerous times to add and change things to our reservations I thought it was a bit odd, AGAIN that none of the eight (8) different representatives that I talked to bothered to mention that: “Oh, by the way just to make sure you know that you are on the very bottom of the ship, and also right above the engine, which does make a lot of noise and rattles the cabins making it seem like you are in the middle of an earthquake!” But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
- At this point as I run back to the counter to find out if we can be placed on a higher floor, I am informed that in fact they are completely full! All 3,600 people have shown up for their cruise and they can’t do anything for us… Not knowing just how bad the noise or rattling would be I put it out of my mind and decided not to worry about it. The last time I was on a cruise was over five years ago, and couldn’t remember the layout well anyway.
- Finally on board the Splendor, my kids couldn’t wait to see everything including our cabins. So when we were allowed to go in them, we were all pleasantly surprised by their size and cleanliness! Well, that was until my six-year-old decided to use the restroom and sat in a pool of urine instead. Strange, considering they had just cleaned the cabins before we got there…
Lesson #1: Don’t assume all toilets are cleaned before you get to your cabin on a Carnival Cruise Ship!
- Not wanting to make a big deal, we moved on to explore the ship.
- We decided to check out the food on Lido deck first, since that’s usually the best part of being on a cruise ship! We assumed that would be pretty easy to find since all you have to do is press a button that says: LIDO.
Lesson #2: Do not assume Carnival ships are built by normal/smart engineers. Assume they are built by MORONS.
- Just because the button says LIDO, it doesn’t mean that its where you are going to end up. To go to Deck 9 (which is LIDO deck), from Deck 1 you need to take the elevator to Deck 5, then walk towards the middle of the ship which is very easy to do when you are on a Staples-center-sized ship and always know which direction you are facing. From there you need to walk across a bridge, down one flight of stairs, into the elevators which will ONLY then take you to Deck 9. However, if you were on the wrong side of the ship, you would have to go up two flights of stairs, walk across another bridge, take those elevators up two flights, and then you would be at Lido deck.
Building a ship that you could just walk across from one end to the other would have been way harder!
- The rest of that day went very smoothly, especially after my kids have engulfed three ice cream cones. The next day was spent at sea with kids playing miniature golf, and swimming in the pool. Now, notice back there I didn’t say swimming in the POOLS, I said POOL as in singular one. For the size of this Brand New ship and the amount of people on board (3,600 full capacity), they made sure to build enough for each person to dip their toes in. Once.
- Splendor has three (3) pools, one about 15x15 feet, the other 50x25 feet and the third is ADULTS ONLY pool. Not only are the two so-called kid-friendly pools small and salt water pools but on a typical day at sea full of snotty, bratty, water-splashing children that no one wants to sit next too. And yes I am talking about mine of course, mainly the little one. After the second time he got scolded by the adults, I gave him permission to go into the ADULTS ONLY pool since there was one old lady in there. Of course wherever my six-year-old goes, trouble and more children follow. Within minutes, the ADULT pool was filled with screaming, splashing children. That’s when I gave permission to all the passengers on board to discipline my children, or as my husband says: I gave up.
LESSON #3: Signs do not matter when you are stuck on a boat with a bored child who has done everything else there is to do on a ship!
- Not only were Splendor’s pools a joke, but apparently so are the constant reminders that “reserving of beach chairs is not allowed”. Smart people, a.k.a. people that got up early instead of lazy asses like us who like to sleep in on our vacation (whoever heard of that?), and put their crap on beach chairs next to the tiny pools had seats for the rest of the day next to the pool! What about us, you ask? Well, we found one beach chair and all four of us squeezed into it pretty much every day.
- After a couple days under the sun we decided to take a break and visit their “LIBRARY”. They had a small but great selection of popular books and even board games. Too bad you can only check them out from 3 to 4 o’clock in the afternoon! One day we got there at 4:05 in the afternoon, because that’s how we roll, only to be turned away. So my boys proceeded to do what they do best and play their DSI’s and Ipod’s, in the “LIBRARY”.
LESSON #4: Never forget electronic gadgets for your kids, even when they need a break from them.
- Splendor also has a camp on board the ship, called Camp Carnival. More appropriate name should be Camp Big Joke. The counselors have as much energy and enthusiasm as a sick elephant in the middle of a heat wave. They were so un-interested in entertaining kids that on the first day of sailing, counselors sent the 9 to 11-year-olds on a scavenger hunt throughout the entire ship, by themselves! Now I could be entirely wrong when I say this, but when absolutely nothing makes sense on a ship, when elevators don’t line up to their correct numbers and names, when even an adult can’t figure out how to get from one deck to another, is it really such a good idea to send a bunch of kids on a scavenger hunt? When we came to pick up our 11-year-old after his first try at Camp Big Joke, we were told that he wasn’t back from his scavenger hunt yet… Those that know me well, will know what happened next. Those that don’t… Let’s just say that when I leaned over the table to grab the neck of that particular counselor, my husband’s reflexes kicked in and pulled me back in the fear of being placed in one of those emergency rafts, and sent floating to shore…
A couple days later, we signed our 11-year-old into Camp Big Joke again, looking for some adult time. Ten minutes later he signed himself out. We found him an hour later in his room watching TV.
Lesson #5: A kid only has to be traumatized once before he takes matters into his own hands…
- Let’s talk about food. They definitely do not have 24-hour readily available meals, more like 20-hour readily available meals. As long as you can find them in the maze of this ship! It took us three days to find out that when the buffet is closed, there is a tiny sandwich shop in the corner of Deck 9, all the way in the back of the ship that’s open. We went for three days without an eighth meal!
- When the ship was pulling into Cabo San Lucas on the third day at 5:40 in the morning, we finally learned what those propellers under our cabins were used for. Let’s just say that if you’ve ever been in an earthquake of at least 5.0 magnitude that also made huge pounding and rattling noise at the same time, you will know what I am talking about. We proceeded to get woken up in that same manner for the duration of our cruise! And it gets better. Not only did we get woken up that way every morning, but we also had the joy of having it continue every 5 to 10 minutes throughout the day.
Lesson #6: Don’t get a cabin at the end of the ship, and right above the engine room!
- I am not even going to mention the wonderful customer service and warm welcome that we received. Pretty sure the employees go through a long and tedious process called “Make the guests feel like crap for throwing money away on a cruise, while we have to work like slaves for nine months a year!” We pretty much got menus thrown at us during dinner, and told to go to town with them. No explanation or welcome necessary.
- I also made a mistake of not bringing my own hair-dryer, assuming they provide one like every civilized place in this country. It only took me a couple days to find where they keep it, in the drawer next to the Bible. See picture. But wait, it gets even better. Do you see the chord of the hair dryer? Yes, it is attached to the wall behind the dresser meaning you can only pull it out about a foot! Oh but wait, that’s not all. Do you see that tiny blue button on the handle? Well, the hair dryer will work ONLY if you hold that button down, the whole entire time you are blow drying your hair…- So, I decided to get my hair done for one of the Fancy-Shmancy Nights, only to hear these words from the hair-dresser, every ten minutes: “Boy, do you have a lot of hair! This will definitely take longer than the usual time required!” If my memory serves me correctly, I believe she took her revenge out on my hair by trying to scold my scalp with boiling hot water, and then by burning it with the hair-dryer. Either that or she was taught to keep the hair-dryer on each strand of hair until there is smoke coming out of it, then hold it for a few more seconds and then let go!
LESSON #7: Always, always pack your own hair dryer. And Bible. Don’t know why, just had to throw that in there.
- Besides my half-burnt hair, everything else was going great. Oh, wait no. My kids also got some wind and splashes of ocean water during the night while they slept since their window was missing part of a seal, as in a weathering strip… Yes, that was fun.
And on the last day, as we sat playing UNO and waiting to be disembarked off this wonderful ship, we saw this smart guy, right next to us smoking a cigar next to a “DANGER. NO SMOKING” sign.
LESSON #8: Don’t cruise with Carnival…
29 Comments — Leave your comment
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WOW, you have to be one of the most negative people I have ever read. Is ANYTHING every up to your standards? I have been on 15 cruises and did you know that THEY LET YOU PICK YOUR OWN ROOM. If you didn’t want to be on Deck 1, it was within your right to pick your own room.
It’s plain to see what happens when you are not allowed to text anymore. YOU would not even been happy on a Seaborn Cruise. On your next vacation, think about staying at home in your closet texting.
Sorry your cruise wasn’t what you thought. I highly suggest you do much more research for your next cruise….whatever line it may be. Pick your own room….look at the deck plans of the ship before you go to figure out where you want your cabin to be. Hint on a floor between cabins.
The tenor of the column suggests strongly that the cruise was booked direct with Carnival rather than through a professional travel planner. A trained planner would have indeed asked the questions necessary to avoid disappointment and would have counselled on the wisdom of paying a bargain basement price because of the possibility of just the accommodation that was received. As is often the case in life, the cheapest is seldom the best. Another $200 or less would have mitigated the disappointment. I am persuaded that ten years from now the spending of an additional $200 would have been forgotten and the better memory prevailed. As it is, saving $200 has built an unpleasant memory that will last forever.
Going forward, consult a travel professional, one that asks questions about YOU, what YOU like, questions about YOUR lifestyle, and more. If the agent you selected does not, move on to another. Booking direct with a cruise line is generally the poorest choice. Pricing is no better, is often HIGHER than available through an agent, and no other cruise line will be suggested even if the one you called is clearly a bad choice. A good professional planner will suggest the vacation that is best for you regardless of who the supplier is because it is YOUR vacation. Call Carnival, don’t expect them to tell you the product isn’t a good fit. They sell Carnival. It doesn’t suit your lifestyle or perceptions? Too bad.
Oh, and the vast majority of professional travel planners do not charge a reservation fee for cruises and tours. It is common to charge for airline ticket reservations since agents are paid nothing on the tickets, but earn commission on the cruise.
Give a professional planner a try. You’ll be glad you did.
I fail to understand how Carnival was wrong where your cabin was concerned. You got a “deal” and a cabin assignment. Are you saying that in all the time you spent waiting for this cruise that you never once looked online at the deck plans? Not only that, but you apparently never looked at them while in the planning stage of your vacation. How is that possible?
Then you complain because you allowed your children to yell & scream & splash in the pool, then incredibly broke the rules for your little darlings and allowed them in the adult pool. What part of ‘ADULT pool’ confused you?
Does your family normally eat 24 hours a day? So 20 hours worth of food isn’t enough? Why did it take you 3 days to find out the hours of operation for any of the food venues? Did you ever bother to read the daily schedule in your rooms that clearly state the times of operation? Let me guess, no.
I also can’t imagine why you & your children ran out of things to do. Oh yea, I’m guessing with their behavior the pool was now off limits and the Camp wasn’t good enough and I’m surmising that they don’t exactly have library manners either.
With your attitude, I can’t imagine that any vacation would please you. You are correct about one thing, Don’t cruise with Carnival. And, don’t cruise with Princess or NCL, or HAL or Cunard or any cruise line in existence. And if you do decided to cruise again, please post your schedule so I can be sure to avoid your family on my vacation.
Maybe a ‘Staycation’ is a better fit for you and believe me it would be a better fit for those that have to be around you. Next time just stay home.
Just wanted to add that your banner states that this is a “Comedic Blog About Life”.
One question. Where was the funny part?
Not sure how many cruises you have been on, but the Splendor is actually a very nice ship and we had an outstanding time on it. Sounds like you either should have done more research or done something else rather than cruise.
OMG! i couldnt even continue reading it. i stopped after the first couple of paragraphs. did you book a guarentee cabin? thats how you were on the bottom deck and in back. next time, spend a bit more and pick your cabin. Royal caribbean is worse. the ship smelled like urine all over, the same 5 songs by the freezing small pools over and over, the food was cold..i could go on but wont. im glad you wont sail carnival again…i dont need or want someone like you on my ship. really? bitching about the hairdryer? it doesn’t pull out only a foot…oh and by the way…royal caribbeanhad the SAME ones!! maybe you shouldn’t vacation again and just stay home since it sounds like you cant be pleased.
That has to be the most negative thing I ever read. You seem nothing but a snob to me. You went in with the negative attitude and it followed you throughout. Nothing, no matter how good it was, was going to make you happy.
I can not see a waiter “throwing” menus at you at dinner. Sorry, don’t buy it. A pool of urine in the bathroom, uh sorry, can’t see this. Like a previous commenter said, where is the funny part?
Please in the future, post where you are going BEFORE you leave so I can make sure I am not traveling any where near you. Oh and another thing, your kids sound like the ones everyone on a cruise complains about. You know the ones running wild, pushing all the elevator buttons. The ones that have no discipline at all in their lives.
Sorry you had a bad time, sorry you don’t like Carnival, but I doubt you would like Royal Caribbean much better. Warn them in advance your expectations and maybe you will have a half way decent time.
I find your overly negative review bordering between hysterical and ridiculous.
We just had a wonderful cruise on Splendor in May. We have sailed with Princess, Celebrity,RCI,and Carnival. I just don’t believe the puddle of urine story. Splendor was kept immaculate our entire cruise. Our grand kids had a wonderful time at Camp Carnival, at no time were all the pools to full to enjoy, and food was redily available. We also had a great dining experience on Splendor. We had a fantastic cruise, and are booked again for April next year. We were in a group of13 and we ALL had a great time.Do better research next time or hire a travel counselor. you sound pretty hard to please.
Do publications actually pay for writing drivel such as this?
Carnival is amazing. I think you will not enjoy even in a luxury cruise company.
Lesson #1, When taking a cruise I should research the ship layout and cabin location prior to booking.
Lesson #2, Review and read documents presented by Camp Carnival that specifically state children of your sons age may sign them selves out.
Lesson #3, You get what you pay for. You got a great deal, probably the cheapest rate you could find. Now refer back to Lesson #1.
Lesson #4, All cabins are cleaned before each embarkation. I hazard to guess your child missed the mark. After 17 Carnival cruises, never seen this problem.
Lesson #5, Please do us all a favor and don’t cruise Carnival again. You’ll spoil the fun for all of us.
And finally lesson #6
Lesson#6, Since your blog is “Comedic Blog”, I suggest your revisiting your comedic skills. This was not only a complete lack of truth but not at all funny.
Your probably one of those miserable old people that complain about any and everything. Please don’t go on any more cruises. We don’t want people like you cruising with us. Ughhhhhh!!!
Tough room! LOL
Room Service is available 24 hours a day FOR FREE (please tip your delivery person. There is no reason to ever be without food on a Carnival Cruise.
WOW!!!You sound like a very unhappy, miserable person. You should seek therapy.
Ditto to everything that’s already been said, especially the part about it being up to you to figure out where your cabin is beforehand. Then, if you find it to be unsatisfactory, you can try to change it.
Also, it’s not the “end” of the ship, it’s the aft, or stern. Sheesh…
Oh, and the Splendor isn’t “brand new”, it’s been in service since 2008.
Glad that you’re so dissatisfied with CCL that we’ll never have to run into you and your children on one of our cruises!
Wow, it takes a special kind of person to have such a lousy time on a cruise!
I’ve been on ten Carnival cruises, and will probably be on ten more. They don’t call them the fun ships for nothing.
Most of your complaints are “rookie mistakes” that just show you did zero research before your cruise.
Regarding the engine noise in your cabin…
You think switching to some other cruise line is going to solve this on the next cruise? Ha! Every cruise ship would have this same problem if you are dumb enough to book a cabin on the lowest deck and at the back of the ship.
There are a total of 30 different cabin categories on the Carnival Splendor. You get what you pay for as the cabins increase in price. It doesn’t cost much more to get a cabin higher in the ship and/or more towards the center. And if you taken just a little bit of control during the booking process, you could have picked the exact location of your cabin. But it sounds like you totally left it up to someone else.
Regarding your comment about the elevators… I have been on the Splendor before and I just double-checked the deck plans to make sure I was remembering correctly. From any cabin on any deck at the back of the ship, you can take the elevator directly to the buffet on Lido deck. You never figured this out in the course of a week?
One of the most illuminating comments in your rant is that you put your kid in to the adults-only pool. This says a lot about you. I hope I do not run in to you on a cruise ship. People that do things like that need to stay at home.
“You get what you pay for” certainly comes to mind. “Cheapest” is NOT synonymous with “best value.” And ditto the person who wrote that a professional travel counselor could have saved you an amazing amount of distress. You would have been given
proper information about choices and options, and worked with to figure out the best cruise for YOUR family.
You are all a bunch of stupid people! I completely disagree. This article is funny and sarcastic. If you don’t have a sense of humor, don’t read her articles, idiots!
I have sailed 7 cruises with carnival 11 total leaving again oct. jan. all been A plus seemed like your first cruise DO YOUR HOMEWORK LOOK AT CRUISE WEB SITES.ask ask ask.. first cruise noooo KIDS.RELAX CHILL OR GO TO DISNEYWORLD.
I am amazed at the number of admonitions to search, search, search, ask, ask, ask, do your homework, etc. It is not worth my time to put all that effort into booking a cruise when I can use a competent, professional vacation planner, often get BETTER rates than I get from the cruise line, and almost always get amenities that I cannot get with the cruise line by booking direct. In addition, I have an advocate, MY travel planner, to work on my behalf if there is a problem and not some minor functionary at a cruise line. And the best part - IT COSTS ME NOTHING EXTRA TO LET SOMEONE ELSE DO ALL THE WORK! Where’s the downside. It looks to me like the breakdown came because the author did all the grunt work herself.
Who has time for all this patschkieing anyway?
I think there might be more to the story on why she was so unhappy. Mom’s have certain needs and when they don’t get their needs satisfied they can get really grumpy. My mom tells my dad this all the time.
Jake…you’re going to have to point out the funny parts to me. She may be trying to be ‘funny’...and hoping that her ‘sarcasm’ is understood….but she didn’t accomplish any of this.
Let’s be honest…she was writing a review. Not a lighthearted romp…following her family on their mad-cap vacation. This was nothing more than a review…and an unfair one at that.
Someone not doing their own research regardless of where their vacation will take place is just asking for trouble.
I like funny stories about life…and sarcastic ways of looking at things. I just didn’t see any of that here.
Someone posted to my email the email the author sent her. I think it should be posted here for all to see. Believe me…the email wasn’t funny in the least.
Anyway…I only found this site through a cruise forum and wished to comment on the article. The author in my view doesn’t write very well and isn’t worth reading going forward.
Happy Cruising All!
Kate,
From her first sentence “Maybe some of you noticed that I haven’t written in the last week. Alright, none of you noticed..” to when her husband waited for her to turn off her blackberry and she tried to send out her last emails. She has a great sarcasm and humor that I don’t think you guys are understanding at all.
The comment about the decks was right on - you would think they would make an easy design to get from one side of the ship to the next. I’ve been on 5 cruises myself and I was always lost on a Carnival ship.
Obviously you didn’t read this the way I did as I could go on. Keep it up Julia I think your articles are fantastic!
Jake
Found a surprising large number of Jewish stereotypes. Seems fitting, enjoy your high horse, and next time, try Princess Cruises.
You will have alot of friends.To begin with your going with your ferdnisso it should be fun regardless.Tanning on the deck,watching movies,dancing,getting dressed up or wutever its alot of fun with friends.Plus spring break is when all teens and college students take a cruise so you can meet some people.Bring a few different swimsuits, alot of shorts and tees, and also formal clothing. U can choose to eat dinner at the fancy resteraunt they have onboard and you need to dress up for that. I have seen some people where prom dresses and stuff but personally i say you go for a cocktail dress or something like that. oh and some clubbing clothes just in case.If i were u i wud back off the alcohol cuz alot of crazy stuff has happened to ppl that were drunk no joke.When you get off the ship at ur different destinationsmake sure that where ur gonna go is safe.Personally i dont like the whole touristy part of the citycuz im fun and adventerousbut some places are really dangerous and u get mugged among other things..Dont worry..you’ll have fun!
Jake, I understand humor and sarcasm.
I have to agree with others that she failed in that regard.
It was a rant against Carnival Cruises and specifically Splendor. As you can see others who have enjoyed sailing this great ship won’t just sit back and watch her maligned. It is a disservice to the wonderful staff on board, and all the great things on this ship.
Please, to the CTC, qualifying aside, I don’t think this person would be happy with Princess either. There aren’t THAT many differences. I sail both and enjoy both.