Jewish Journal

I want my $5 back - a heartfelt letter to my bank!

by Julia Bendis

February 4, 2011 | 6:30 pm

Dear Wescom Credit Union Employees:

I am writing this letter because I just spent 30 minutes on the phone speaking with one of your Imbeciles, please excuse the spelling of that word, the auto-corrector doesn’t have a suggestion for me.

Anyway, I just wasted 30 minutes of my life and would like for you to re-pay me with the $5 that you originally stole from me, plus interest in the amount of 200.55%.  The value of 30-minutes of my life comes to a total of $50.13.  The $5 was under the “checking fee”, which I was trying to get back when I phoned you.  Let me remind you dear Wescom employees that when a person signs up for a “FREE” account, it means you will never go into their account and take money that does not belong to you!

I understand that over the last 15 years or so, Wescom has become a much bigger bank than it originally used to be.  And of course, the bigger you are, the more crap you can get away with.  I also know that you will not be crying if I take my hard-earned money out of your bank.  I am not sure what my point is here, kind of lost my train of thought…  I can see how that doesn’t make my case very strong in my direction.  Oh, yes I remember, you are all a bunch of scumbags.  Look, the auto-corrector didn’t even bother putting the red wavy line across that word.  I think it agrees with me.  Yeah!

What I am trying to say here is that I will be closing my account, and taking my money across the street to “Joe Shmoes” Bank, but NOT before I get my $5 back!

So, here are some suggestions about how you can give back my $5 and 30-minutes of my life back from sitting on hold with you idiots.

1.  You can send that Imbecile that I talked to on the phone to baby-sit my children while I go get a manicure.  You have my address, right?  I have a very fancy party to go to this weekend, but haven’t had time to get myself pampered.

2.  If he doesn’t particularly like children, which I am guessing he might not, he could instead clean the bathrooms.  I haven’t gotten to that today, been a very busy day.

3.  If you have already taken my suggestion and fired the Imbecile, you can send someone else.  I don’t mind at all.

4.  You can also send me any office supplies that are sitting on your desk right now, worth $5.  I really don’t mind if they are used either.

5.  You could send me a gift card for a Spa day for a total of 30 minutes.  I know that it would be crazy for me to think that a Spa day would return 30 minutes of my life, but it would be so relaxing, in turn making me forget how pissed off I am about my $5.

6.  If none of these sound appealing to you, there is always the option of just putting $50.13 into my account.

The choice is yours, and I will be fine with whichever one you decide to go with.  If you would like to read more on my suggestions, feel free to visit my website at: www.easternblocklox.wordpress.com

Your comments are always welcome!

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I was born in Ukraine, in the former USSR, and grew up in Riga, Latvia which is on the Baltic Sea.  My family and I immigrated to the United States in 1989, right before the...

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