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Jewish Journal

Get Over Your Past Relationships… with Time

by Julia Bendis

September 6, 2013 | 11:33 am

The other day I met a man who wanted to become a client of mine. After meeting him in person and thoroughly examining his profile and questionnaire, I noticed a pattern of behavior of someone who is still not over his past relationship. While going through his answers to my profile questions, I saw that almost every time *Stan would say something about his ex.

Some were pretty subtle, like “I’d love to meet a woman with a similar sense of humor as my ex”, others were anything but: “She is the love of my life and I am honored to have known her for as long as I have”. Clearly Stan has not moved on and wasn’t ready to meet new people.

As much as I hate turning people away, I knew that in this case it was beyond necessary. Not only is he not ready to get out into the dating scene, but furthermore he is in no shape to be trying to find a serious relationship. I can’t help someone who is still deeply in love, and in obvious pain from having lost that person in his life. Only time can heal him and allow him to move on.

After discussing this with Stan, and explaining why I can’t take him on as a client, I gently proceeded to ask what happened with his ex and why they broke up. He confided in me that it was his fault it ended, and at that time he wasn’t able to give her what she wanted which was a commitment and marriage. Me being the realist that I am, I bluntly asked him what’s stopping him now? I told him to go straight to the jewelry store, buy her a ring and go ask her to marry him!

He was speechless for a few seconds, then asked if I was serious and why I’d turn away money. Simple… I’m not in this for money because if I was, I sure as hell would be charging a lot more than I do, something along the lines of other traditional matchmakers. But matchmaking and relationship guidance has never been about money to me, it’s about a passion for seeing people happy and creating a life together.

We’ve all had friends who told us that the best way to get over someone is to move on to someone else, or in my words ‘to get on top of someone new’, but that just isn’t the reality. Reality is that you don’t truly get over someone in that way. The only way is to give it time, and take time out for yourself to think about what went wrong in that relationship, why it failed and how you can change and prevent it from happening in the future. The only thing you accomplish by moving on to a new relationship too fast is temporarily feeling better, but the root of the problems is still there and in the end you still miss your ex. And the pattern continues. You absolutely have to give it time!

As far as Stan goes… He listened to my advice, went to see his ex-girlfriend and they continue to be in ecstatic state of love and bliss! Waiting for my wedding invitation.

So stay positive and learn from your mistakes, but more importantly don’t let those mistakes happen again, whatever they may be…

Enjoy your week!

*Names have been changed to preserve privacy.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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I was born in Ukraine, in the former USSR, and grew up in Riga, Latvia which is on the Baltic Sea.  My family and I immigrated to the United States in 1989, right before the...

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