January 2, 2011 | 10:31 pm

Funny things kids say

Posted by Julia Bendis

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My son's bill of services rendered to us after giving his brother a shower.

* As usual, Nik (the 5 year old) was taking forever in the bathroom.  I yelled out to him: “Are you OK?  Did you fall in the toilet?”  “No Mommy, ONLY my butt fell in the toilet!  But, its OK.  I pulled it out!”

* As we were all driving one day, a car cuts us off.  I yell out: “Why is that guy an idiot?”  My 11-year-old, Tyler: “I don’t know, Mom. Why is a pickle green?”

* My 5-year-old has started to take a shower on his own, with my husband or I watching in the bathroom, and making sure he cleans everything.  One day, while he was in the shower my husband was telling him to make sure to wash his behind well.  As Nikolas was about to do it: “Oh, this ain’t gonna be pretty!”

* On the plane a few months ago:

Me: Would you like some beef jerky?
My kid: Yea yea beef jerky!
He starts eating.
My kid: “Oh, its spicy, I need water”
Me: I don’t have any water
My kid: Well why did you give me this then?
Me: Not sure. Spit it out.
My kid: I need a napkin!
Me: Ooh lucky for you I found a napkin
My kid: No, no – lucky for you.

* When Nikolas was taking a very long time in the bathroom one night, my husband asked him if he was alright, if his stomach was hurting, and if it was diarrhea.  He looks in the toilet, looks up: “Oh, its your lucky day, Daddy!”

* My son didn’t want the Oats on the Oat Bran muffin, so my husband started to scrape them off.  He finished, and our Nik says: “That’s good enough, Dad. You can take a break now!”

* Nik wanted to have the leftover Halloween candy, and was trying to get it.  Me: “Oh, don’t eat that, its a month-old!”  My kid: “No, you are a month-old!”  He thought I was calling him a baby.

* While trying to clean up the house, the little one kept whining that no one is giving him anything to do.  It was getting on my nerves, me: “What’s with you?”  My kid: “Stop saying that, there is Nothing WITH me, I don’t have anything WITH me!”

* We asked our oldest, Tyler (who was 9 yrs at the time), to do us a favor and give a shower to his little brother (4 at the time), kind of as a joke. Really didn’t think that he would actually do it.  He obviously took it as a way to make a quick buck… We got this (see a photo to the right) as our bill of services rendered!

* We let Tyler (10 at the time) ride his bike down to the neighborhood park, with his friends.  After he got back home, I asked him, “Tyler did you guys stay at the park the whole time?”.  Rolling his eyes at me, “No, Mom.  We went to the bar, had a few beers, you know, the usual!”

* “Mom, when you were a little boy in Russia, did you speak English?”.  “You mean: when I was a little GIRL in Russia”,  “no Mom, I SAID, when you were a little BOY in Russia!  Everyone is born a Boy, and then some turn into girls!”