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Jewish Journal

Are your judgemental ways ruining your dating life?

by Julia Bendis

August 7, 2013 | 2:44 pm

We all like to think that we’re open-minded, well-rounded and completely non-judgmental individuals…  Unfortunately, for most of us that’s just not the case.  Everyone has judged and sized up others from time to time, whether we’d like to admit it or not; it’s only natural to jump to conclusions and assume something about another person especially if it’s a stranger.  But when it comes to dating and finding a partner in life… being judge-mental can be extremely detrimental to a relationship not to mention to your own wellbeing. 

Having been in the business of matching two people together as long as I’ve been, I see it happen all the time, primarily with my female clients.  Sometimes, before I can even finish telling the woman about a man I’m matching her up with, she starts to have doubts about his profession, or age of his children, or his height, etc…  Now, that’s no way to be open and seeing what’s out there.  How can anyone expect to ever meet a partner in life or have a date at all if they constantly pre-judge someone before they even meet them?  I’m not saying that men don’t do the same thing at times, because some do but the majority of men I work with seem to be a lot more open-minded.  Just because you’ve had a bad experience while dating an attorney in the past or someone’s ex was a nightmare, doesn’t mean that every attorney is that way, or every ex is a terrible person.  It’s stereotyping but in the dating arena: he is an accountant so he must be boring; she is approaching forty and never married so there must be something wrong with her… 

All of these judgmental behaviors are unnecessary and usually have no merit.  I’ve known accountants with tattoos underneath their boring suits, and a very exciting night life.  And yes I’ve also known the stereotypically quiet, soft-spoken and anal retentive accountants as well as everything in between.  It just goes to show that we are not all what the stereotypes make us out to be; and why going by generalizations rather than individualistic qualities about each person is extremely damaging in the beginning of any relationship.  More than anything I want to encourage anyone who is single and either just starting to date or been dating a while, to think about all the pre conceived notions you may have each time meeting someone new.  Are you judging them before you’ve had a chance to truly get to know them?  Are you going into a relationship assuming you know what kind of person he or she is because they identify with the opposite political party as yourself?  Is their lack of formal education making them seem beneath you?  Are all of your expectations making you happy and capable of finding a long-lasting relationship?  If no, maybe it’s time to drop the judgmental attitude and expectations, and just go with it and see what develops without all the judging and assessing.  Give the other person a chance before you decide what kind of person they are.  Let time and positive outlook on your new relationship be the only things that fuel your mind, not judgments and generalizations.

So get out there with an open mind and enjoy every relationship along the way, whether its a romantic one or just a good friendship!  And as always, contact me for any of your relationship needs and advice: matchbyjulia.com

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