December 17, 2010 | 1:47 pm

There is nothing like seeing your kid singing Christmas Carols!

Posted by Julia Bendis

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Wouldn’t you agree that there is nothing like watching your child singing Christmas Carols in a school performance?  I am sorry, let me re-phrase that.  There is nothing like watching your Jewish kid singing Christmas Carols, in a school performance!  Am I right? 

All the schools this time of year are putting on presentations, and plays about Christmas and the Holidays, but do the teachers take into consideration what that does to the Jewish kids in that school?  Or in my son’s case, the whole FIVE Jewish kids that are in the entire school? 
As much as we teach our kids about who we are, and where we come from, and what we believe, we also want them to fit in and not be outsiders.  Even if the teachers gave us the heads-up about songs that they will be performing, and give us the option to pull them out of it, would we?  Would I?  I am not so sure.  All we want as parents, is for our kids to feel like they belong, to fit in with the rest of the kids, and have good friends that accept them for who they are.  But, when you start pulling them out of performances as many parents do, what does THAT do to the child?  I truly believe that it only upsets the child, makes them feel alone and unaccepted.  I put myself in their shoes, and can’t imagine having to sit out while all the other kids are up there singing their hearts out about a Merry little Christmas!

Having said that, if I don’t pull them out of a Christmas performance, I feel awful.  As my husband and I sat there listening and taking pictures, I couldn’t stop thinking about what my Rabbi would say seeing my son up there singing: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!”  Oye Vay, what am I doing to him?
Just as I sat there pondering the meaning of being Jewish, the teacher announced that next they will be singing a “cute, and cheery song about a Dreidel”.  I looked at my husband and we both smiled, thinking oh good, finally!

It went something like this, and I am paraphrasing: “Oh, how I love to spin my Dreidel.  You can land on any letter, but please don’t land on Shin, because I will have to pay, be out of money and have to declare Bankruptcy!”  That’s when all the kids made the money signal with their hands.

Its not enough that we get stereo-typed as only caring about money, but they have to make the kids sing about it at a class performance!  I looked over at my husband and seriously thought he was about to pass out.  I’ve never seen him more pale or dumbfound…  When all the parents were clapping and smiling, all I could think was, I’d really love to have a chat with the person that wrote this wonderful song! 

What more can I say…

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December 15, 2010 | 3:22 pm

How Poor Jews Come to America, meaning my parents!

Posted by Julia Bendis

Many people ask me what we brought with us to America, when we immigrated here in 1989.

Well… Most Russians brought over money and diamonds.  Since we were neither smart or rich, this is literally what we had in our suitcases:

Someone had told my parents that in order NOT to spend money once we got to the U.S., we should absolutely pack the necessities.

As we got to the airport in Moscow, we had to go through Russian security and customs.  Imagine big, hairy Russian Army soldiers with AK-47 Kalashnikov’s opening our luggage as rolls and rolls, and rolls of Soviet issued toilet paper come flying out…

That wasn’t all.  My parents had a whole separate luggage that when opened by one of the guards, had Soviet issued CONDOMS falling out of it.  Let me re-phrase this, it had NOTHING but condoms in the luggage!

The guard looked at my parents, as if to say, what the hell is wrong with you people?  Back then, most Jews left Russia loaded with money and diamonds.  But not us, we went with far more important things, like rock hard sand paper for the bathroom, and condoms.  Because that is what’s important in life!

I can only imagine what those soldiers were thinking…  What kind of Jews leave Mother Russia with nothing but condoms?  What are you planning on doing there?  Having sex for money?

We also had a whole luggage devoted to pillows, yes pillows, the kind you sleep on.  And of course, home-made women’s monthly menstruation supplies.  I think that was the best one of all.  Picture bags of cotton, not cotton balls, just cotton wrapped in medical gauze!  When most people were bribing dock workers, and paying money to get their jewels shipped overseas, my Mother was bribing hospital employees to get her much needed gauze and cotton…

Can you tell yet where my parents’ priorities were?  It does explain a bit about how my brother and I turned out, doesn’t it?

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December 14, 2010 | 2:11 pm

What is it with people wishing me a Merry Christmas???

Posted by Julia Bendis

Everywhere you go during this time of year, you are bound to get a “Merry Christmas!”, and that’s perfectly fine with me.  If its a stranger, in return I just do my usual:  “Yea, Yea Happy Hanukkah to you too!”  After which, they give me that sad face, as if to say: “Oh, I’m sorry!”  And then they go on to console me: “But at least you are done with all the shopping, right?”  What the hell does that mean?  Its almost like some consolation prize.  Oh, you are Jewish, so sorry to hear that you don’t celebrate the Greatest Holiday ever!  Well, Happy Hanukkah anyway!

They act like I’m missing out big time, or worse like I am dying.

I understand it if you don’t know me, and don’t know that I am a Big Jew.  But if you know me… why do you still insist on wishing me a Merry Christmas?  It’s as though they think that all year long we are Jewish, then all of a sudden Christmas rolls around, and by some miracle we (the Jews) drop our Jewishness, and become Christians for that one special day called Christmas!?!?  I don’t get it, is that the thinking behind it?  Please, do enlighten me…

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December 12, 2010 | 1:35 pm

Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo

Posted by Julia Bendis

Every Tuesday, I tune in to Bravo to watch “The Millionaire Matchmaker”, and every week I find myself screaming at the TV!

I don’t know why I keep watching that show…  Its like a train wreck, but yet I can’t look away.  I have never in my life known a Jewish woman with a more foul mouth than Patti Stanger!  In the one hour of this show, she manages to insult every single person that comes in.  Not only does she criticize, and tries to change everything about the Millionaires that come to her looking for love, but she insults them on everything from their hair, to the way they act, walk, and breathe!

Please tell me, how could a Single and a Never Married person call herself a Professional Matchmaker?  Not only has she never been married, but apparently she can’t even hold down a relationship, or commit in any way.  I understand that her job is everything to her, and in a way is HER relationship, but shouldn’t someone that advertises herself as a know-it-all about relationships have some kind of a good track record herself?  At least when it comes to love and relationships?

Have you seen what she does when she watches the videos of potential clients?  She tears them apart, scrutinizing every detail of what they say and do!  There is never an ounce of positivity in her reaction.  “What a Chauvinistic pig!  What the hell is that shirt he is wearing?”

But that’s not the worst of it.  When the poor ladies come in to get picked for her “dates”, she lets them have it!  Yes, I agree some of the girls could use a make-over, or get their teeth fixed, but who says that to their face?  Some of them look like they are about to cry, as they stand there taking her abuse!  Why?  If I were in their shoes…  Well first of all, I would not be in their shoes, but if I got paid a few million dollars… and she started to criticize me, instead of crying I would let her have it.  Who the hell does she think she is to rip people apart like that?  These people come to her because allegedly, she is the best.  And instead of finding someone that would love and appreciate them the way they are, she wants to change everything about them.

It is one thing to look your best, take care of yourself on the inside and outside, put on a cute outfit, do your hair and make-up when trying to find a partner, but to go to such extremes as to die their hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, dress and act as a totally different person?!?!  I might understand it a bit if, let’s say she was trying to set them up with Brad Pitt or in my case Vin Diesel   But have you seen her Millionaires?  They are U-G-L-Y!  Plain and simple, Ugly.  I would not go out with them if they paid me, gave me a free car and sent me on a free vacation…  But, that’s just me.

The beginning of the show is what cracks me up the most, she says and I quote: “I have a very high success rate!”  Are you kidding me, a high success rate in what?  Making people feel like crap about themselves after you are done with them?  What high success rate?  Every single show ends the same way, ... and they never saw each other again.  There isn’t even a second date, its usually her screaming at the Millionaire, kicking him out of her “Club”, because he dared to talk about “sex” on the first date!  And her promising the girl that she will find her the right Millionaire next time…

DISCLAIMER: I have a better success rate than Patti Stanger!  Maybe I should be charging thousands like her, but actually be able to deliver on finding people Love!

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December 9, 2010 | 9:22 am

No Bieber Fever Here!

Posted by Julia Bendis

Well, as much as I swore to never speak or write about this Bieber kid, here it comes:

I can’t stand the kid!  What is the hype all about?  Seriously, the kid is not cute, his voice is sub-par at most, and if everyone hasn’t noticed he’s got a Tick.  Have you looked at him during the American Music Awards?  He can’t go longer than 5 seconds without shaking his hair, what is that about?  I really think his parents should concentrate on his mental, and physical well-being, and maybe take him to a Neurologist instead of the AMA’s.

If that was my kid, I’d have him tested for Tourette’s syndrome already…  But, us Yiddishe Mothers do tend to over-react a bit…

I really haven’t paid much attention to the kid, until my kindergartner announced that he LIKES Justin Bieber!  Since Nikolas doesn’t have much of an opinion of his own, and tends to just repeat whatever other kids are saying, I let it slide.  But during the AMA’s he kept saying how badly he wants to see Bieber perform.  So, we let him watch it.  As my 11-year-old covered his ears, and ran out of the room during the song, I tried hard not to judge and just listen to the song.

Its especially hard NOT to judge when the singer sucks, really badly.  Who wants to hear a late bloomer all pitchy, and squeely trying to sing?  The poor kid is going through puberty, so his voice kept changing during the whole performance, he couldn’t find a note to save his life.  I don’t know who found him, and made him famous but I’d really like to meet that person!

I stand by my original opinion, Bieber sucks. 

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December 6, 2010 | 1:05 pm

Hypochondriacs are We!

Posted by Julia Bendis

I absolutely love being Jewish, I love everything about it, the food, the culture, the faith itself.  However, the terrible thing about being Jewish is that constant feeling that there is something wrong with you.  Seriously, worry is our “thing”!  That’s just what we do, what has been instilled in us from the beginning of time, STRESS.  Its like a right of passage for us.  You want to be born a Jew, OK here is a boulder to carry on your shoulders, At All Times.  From now on, you worry about everything!

And you have to be a hypochondriac if you are Jewish, that’s a Must.  I wake up every morning wondering if I have some horrible, incurable disease, preferably something from the 15th Century!  And not only do we love to complain about what hurts, we also try to out-do each other.  “Oh, you got a goiter?  Well, that’s nothing.  Look at this hemorrhoid the size of a tennis ball?  Bet you’ve never had that before! Ha!”

We wondered the Desert for 40 years, can you imagine what THAT was like?  It wasn’t pretty…

- Its hot

-Its cold

- I’m thirsty

- I’m hungry

- I’m tired

- I want to go home

- I have to pee

- Where are the bathrooms?

- Where is my 5 star hotel?

- What do you mean I have to eat this flat, big cracker with no taste to it, instead of Challah?

- My head hurts

- My butt hurts

- Where the hell is the Ritz?

And it didn’t end there, with all new technology, and the internet apparently we got smarter and sicker at the same time…  Oye Vey is all I gotta say!

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December 1, 2010 | 1:46 pm

Not Your American Summer Camp…

Posted by Julia Bendis

When school was ending last year, I started looking for summer camps for my kids.  As I started looking, they started whining…  What kid complains about going to camp?  Not only complains, but begs not to be sent to one?

That’s when I decided that it was time to sit my kids down, and tell them all about the so-called “summer camps” I had to go to!  I know that most kids in America love going to summer camp, not only because they are fun, and they get to hang out with their friends, but also because they are 5-Star resorts!  At least, compared to the Russian, Socialistic camps we were forced to go to!

Every summer, my brother and I got shipped to my grandparents in Ukraine.  At first, we were excited thinking we would spend three months with our wonderful grandparents, just being pampered.  Listening to Grandpa’s War stories as Grandma complained: “Stop with the Bobbemyseh (nonsense, stories, wive’s tales-Yiddish)”.  Apparently, he liked to embellish his time in the Red Army a bit…  But, we quickly learned that going to visit grandparents over the summer, equals spending the whole summer in a Russian-Communist camp.

As soon as we would get off the airplane, they would tell us that Grandma pulled some strings with her “government friends”, and got us into the Best overnight camp ever!  Now, when I say overnight, I am not talking seven days away from home.  I am talking two weeks, sometimes longer!  And when I say Best, I mean they actually had beds instead of just mattresses on the floor.

Just when we thought we were done with one camp, they would give us a break for a week, and put us right back into another camp.  My grandma’s words: “Its better than sitting here in the apartment on the fifth floor all summer!”, only in Russian with some Yiddish mixed in for good measure.

Let me tell you about these camps.  One in particular stands out the most.  It was so far in the woods, somewhere by the Black Sea that we first had to take a two-hour bus ride, then an old party boat to get to it, then walk a couple miles.  My grandma went there with us, just to make sure we made it safe, and for moral support.  Or as I’d like to call it, “Preparation”.

My brother and I were so scared and upset about going to camp, that the whole time we traveled my Grandma kept promising to stay there with us.  Once, we finally made it there, my Grandma vanished in thin air!  To this day, I have no idea how or when she left…  I learned quickly that my Grandma lies, a lot, especially when trying to get us to do something.

I still remember being surrounded by hundreds of bugs and mosquitoes, and Sadistic camp counselors.  I truly believe that when the Communists were building their camps, they set out to look for the most vicious counselors they could find.  Some were probably ex-Nazi’s left over from the War, just pretending to be Russians.  Here are some of the questions they asked during the interview process:

-Have you ever worked with kids before?

-No

-Do you have children of your own?

-No

-Do you ever want to have children?

-No

-Do you LIKE children?

-No

-Proceed to the next station for your badge.

I kid you not when I say that these people would walk around with sticks in their hands during nap time, and threaten to glue our mouths shut if we didn’t go to sleep.  It didn’t matter that some of us were older than 5 and didn’t NEED to take naps, or the fact that we were all sleeping in the same room, boys and girls!  At one point, I saw one of the counselors get the glue, just for better effect!

And talk about bathrooms…  There were none!  We had to use the forest as our own, personal bathroom!  I don’t even remember having showers there.

There were no games, no fun.  At least, I don’t remember having any.  Forget about scavenger hunts, and roasting marshmallows over fire.  We got rations of food and an hour of playground time.  The rest of the time, I have no idea what we did.  Probably get brainwashed, and learn about Lenin and Stalin, and the foundation of Socialism.

The camps here in the U.S. are truly resorts compared to the ones we had in Russia.  No kid should ever complain about being sent to camp! 

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November 30, 2010 | 6:09 pm

About the Author: Julia Bendis

Posted by Julia Bendis

I was born in Ukraine, in the former USSR, and grew up in Riga, Latvia which is on the Baltic Sea.  My family and I immigrated to the United States in 1989, right before the fall of Communism.  I believe that many Russian immigrants have used humor as a way to cope with the conditions of life in the former Soviet Union.  I am definitely one of them.  Have you ever seen photographs of Russians during Communism?  Or better yet Russian Jews?  Nobody smiled in pictures, ever.  It wasn’t allowed.  If you smiled, that meant that you were happy about something, and THAT meant that you had something that others didn’t.  That was definitely not allowed in Socialism, and would be reported to the proper officials!  Everyone was supposed to be equal, and have the same amount of everything from money to food to shelter.  We all know how untrue that was, and how well that turned out in the end…

But when you were behind closed doors, closed windows and curtains you felt the need to enjoy yourself, laugh and make fun of the government.  Of course it had to be done very quietly, and only behind blaring Communist music. But it was a necessity due to such terrible conditions as lack of food, money, clothing and everything else that people need and deserve.

I started writing in high school, not only as comedy relief for myself to get through school, but also as a way to deal with being the new kid, being the only Russian, Jewish kid in the entire school, and city.  I believe there was only a handful of Russian/Jewish families living in Orange County at that time.

Most kids didn’t even know how to talk to me, or my younger brother.  We didn’t speak a word of English, we didn’t understand a word of English, we looked funny, and I am pretty sure smelled funny since bathing is optional in Europe, and typically a once a week kind of deal.  It took us a few months to figure out that we needed to take more showers, wear the same outfit only once, and invest in anti-perspirants.  Once we got that down, my brother and I had a daunting task of trying to make friends which was a daily battle.  How do you make friends when all you know how to say is: “Hello, my name is Julia.”  And my parents had a difficult task looking for work.  Not many places wanted to hire a Mechanical Engineer that used such proper English that no American could ever understand him.  That was the way English was taught in Russia, the British-English.  He uses such words as: “Pipeline, Propulsion, and Pressure Transient Analysis”, all in the same sentence…

And my Mom the Microbiologist, well… I got a whole page devoted just to her, and will be posted soon.  As an example, she once wrote a note to the Lab Assistant that started like this: “Dear Lab Ass…”  Apparently, she was in a rush and decided to abbreviate.  When the Supervisor came to ask her why she is so angry and what the problem is with the Lab Assistant, she still had no idea what they were talking about.

I love my parents, and would never have gotten the opportunity to write for the Jewish Journal if they hadn’t moved us to the U.S. for a better life!  But, unfortunately for them, much of my material is based on their imperfect English.  Among other things, I write about family, kids, the funny and inappropriate things they say, being Jewish, being a Russian Jew, living in California, current events, politics, celebrities and how little their lives matter to the rest of us, and much, much more…

I still reside in Orange County along with my husband Scott, sons Tyler and Nikolas and a dog named Sadie.

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