November 9, 2011 | 11:34 am

A 6-year-old’s interpretation of Greenday’s ‘Holiday’ song…

Posted by Julia Bendis

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Just for laughs, I thought I would share my six-year-old’s interpretation of a hit song Holiday by Green Day: Six year-old’s interpretation of Green Day’s ‘Holiday’ song!

Enjoy!

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November 4, 2011 | 9:00 pm

A man’s equipment…

Posted by Julia Bendis

It has been years since I’ve watched old episodes of ‘Seinfeld’. I usually come across it, watch for a few minutes then move on.  Today’s show, however made me pause and think.  It was the one where Elaine tries to change a homosexual man into a heterosexual unsuccessfully.  The following conversation between her and Jerry Seinfeld is what got me thinking: “Here’s the thing.  Being a woman, I only have access to the ‘equipment’ what 30, 45 minutes a week.  And that’s on a good week!  How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment, and have access to it 24-hours a day; their entire lives!”  To which Jerry replies: “You can’t.  That’s why they lose very few players…”

If you think about it, that is very true.  How can any woman compete with a man’s vast knowledge of his own “equipment”, and please him in the same way?  Women like foreplay.  Women like to take their time and take it slow.  Women need to be “warmed up”.  A man can accomplish the goal in a matter of seconds, minutes if we are lucky.  Men don’t need foreplay, or to be warmed up.  They are always warmed up and ready to go.  I can only imagine what goes on when men are left alone without any supervision!  On second thought, maybe I don’t want to imagine that…

It seems to me that it would only be natural for a man to be with a man, doesn’t it?  Follow this logic:  Only a man knows exactly how to please another man, right?  A woman knows nothing about what feels good for man.  A man knows what feels good for him.  So according to this theory every man should be homosexual, just like every woman should be also.  This could be just another absurd theory of mine, but somehow it makes a lot of sense.  What do you think?

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October 18, 2011 | 5:10 pm

Overcoming my homesickness…

Posted by Julia Bendis

This morning was a bit of a somber morning for me…  Our six-grader headed out to a four-day overnight Science camp today!  I have to emphasize the OVERNIGHT part since it was the only thing I heard when first learning about this little adventure, which might as well had said a six-month-overnight-camp.  It all sounds the same to me, because all I hear is: my child will be without his Mommy!  It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t called me that in years, I still think of him as a three-year-old.  Surely, I am not the only Mother (or the last one) to worry about her child going away for days at a time, however I suspect I might be in the minority when it comes to everything else I did prior to his departure…

That would include:

- packing eight pairs of underwear and socks instead of the recommended four, as specifically stated in the camp flyer

- packing four pairs of pants instead of the recommended two, again as specifically stated in the camp flyer

- packing enough toothpaste to last him til next year instead of the recommended one-trial-sized-tube

- packing shampoo and conditioner to last at least two weeks because it was listed under the “optional items” section

- packing four pairs of pants instead of the recommended two

- packing eight shirts instead of the recommended four

- and of course packing enough snacks for the long 30-minute ride to the camp completely ignoring the section marked “what NOT to pack”, because like a good Jewish Mother I never let my kids leave the house with a little something to nosh on “just in case”.

The last few days leading up to today I kept thinking how much my son will be homesick, and me not being there to comfort him.  The more I thought about that, the more I started to notice that it doesn’t seem to phase him one bit that he will be gone for a whole four days!  All he cared about was getting his friends into the same cabin, and whether or not he can try sneaking in his iPod…  Every night I snuggled next to him telling him not to worry, that he will have a great time and to call me for any reason, no matter how small it may be.  And every night AFTER that I would overhear him telling his brother to be good and “distract Mom as much as possible because she will be a total mess!”  Nice.

When we finally dropped him off at school this morning, I quietly told my son that I love him and that I might cry a little bit when he goes.  He turned to me and with a straight face replied: “I know you love me Mom.  It’s OK, you can cry.  Just go do it over there somewhere, not too close OK?”

Not much more I can say after that, except for: looks like I’m the one with the homesickness problem, not my child.

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October 10, 2011 | 5:32 pm

Youth Football and the big dilemma

Posted by Julia Bendis

At a flag football game for my 1st grader, I couldn’t help but enjoy my son’s aggressiveness.  I know how wrong that sounds, however after trying soccer, baseball, basketball and tennis I’m happy to see that he finally at the old age of six, found his sport! Besides, its only flag football and tackling is not allowed.  Although that doesn’t seem to stop my child from jumping on other players.  He sleeps, eats and lives for football, and was very angry that he isn’t allowed to play tackle or as he calls it “regular” football.

My fake phone calls to the officials at “regular” football league insisting that they allow this six-year-old to play went unanswered, which was not good enough for my kid.  He begged that I physically go to their offices and demand that they let him play, since he is READY!
Having no problem with lying, I went ahead and told him that after much consideration the football officials decided he needs to wait a couple years before getting slammed and pummeled onto.  My son’s response?  “Nobody will slam me down, I’m too quick and awesome for that to happen!”

Seeing that this issue won’t be going away any time soon, I’m secretly hoping that he will pick another sport in the near future.  Before I ever had kids I always said that I’d never let mine play a savage game like football, but now I don’t see much of a choice.  This brings me to another issue.  How do Mothers allow, and seem to be fine with their young children being shoved, and slammed into while playing football or lacrosse or any other violent sport?  Am I the only parent that thinks its completely wrong to allow your ten-year-old to be physically hurt?

Where are the rules and guidelines about starting boys too young in violent sports?  Shouldn’t there be some kind of a mandatory law that says you can’t play before the age of fifteen, or at least til your child has facial and body hair?

America is the only country in the world that has the most boys between the ages of 10 and 18 with head traumas and concussions!  I truly hope my son changes his mind about playing football, I’d hate to be the only Mother in Orange County to ban my kid from playing tackle football…

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September 22, 2011 | 5:47 pm

To call or not to call - that is the question…

Posted by Julia Bendis

My phone rings.  I answer.

- Hello Ma’am.  My name is Blah Blah (I’m not good with names, can’t remember what the hell he said) from Avis Heating and Air conditioning.  I’d like to talk to you about your heating system.  Would you be alright with that?

- Sure, I would be alright with talking to you about my Hot Box, as long as you would be alright with a $1,000 fine for talking to me about it, since I’m on a “Do Not Call List” and all…

Long pause.

- Um, no Ma’am I would not be alright with that.  And I didn’t call about your “hot box”, I called about your Heating system.

- Oh no?  Well, maybe you should have thought about checking that list before calling me.  See the thing is that I’m usually very nice to telemarketers especially when I have the time to listen to them, but now you pissed me off.

- How did I piss you off Ma’am?

- Well, you did it again just now; you called me Ma’am.

- I called you Ma’am?

- Yes, you called me Ma’am.  Did you forget?  Not sure if you are aware but I am a very young and energetic young lady who enjoys life, dancing and long walks on the beach preferably with a very hot, young thing who is not wearing a shirt.  Or pants.  I am not very picky.  I would prefer a shirt and no pants, but I can roll with anything.  I know that’s typically what a girl wears in all those chick flicks, a long men’s shirt and no pants, but I kinda think a hot guy would look good like that also.  What do you think?

- Ma’am, I mean Miss… I am not sure why you are telling me this, and I probably should be going now…

- Why?  Do you have something more important to do besides listen to a crazy chick fantasize?

- Well…

- No, no Paul.  Now you will listen to me.

- My name is Blah Blah.

- OK, Peter.  I guess I better let you go.  My Hot Box is making some strange sounds, need to check it out.

- It’s Blah Blah, Miss.

- Shut up.

Click.

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September 20, 2011 | 4:55 pm

Kate Winslet’s Fight Against Plastic Surgery

Posted by Julia Bendis

Kate Winslet started a campaign against plastic surgery in Hollywood.  I am starting my own campaign against Kate Winslet.  Really Kate, you are against cosmetic surgery, and are encouraging other Hollywood starlets not to fall under its magical spell?  Really?  How very convenient for you to start this campaign AFTER you’ve have all your plastic surgery done.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Well, let me refresh your memory.  Remember how you gave birth to two children?  Remember how you got really fat?  Remember how you had all that ugly, saggy skin hanging and hated your body?  Remember how you lost all that baby weight, and all of a sudden had even more sagging skin?  Remember all those interviews you did saying how much you dislike your body?  Does any of that ring a bell?

It’s really funny how all of a sudden you decide to “start loving my body”.  Sure you are loving your body now.  After all those nips and tucks and Botox injections, or whatever it is they inject into women’s foreheads across the pond (say that with an English accent for better effect; sounds much better), of course you are loving your body now!

How very mature of you, as a role model for girls everywhere to mislead them about what a “natural” woman looks like.  Looking at you at the Sunday’s Emmy Awards really made me believe that your hotness is purely due to working out, eating right and shedding baby weight.  Yea, right!  A tummy tuck, a breast lift, and full body liposuction had nothing to do with the way you look now, right?  At least be an adult about it and admit you had work done.  Do us all a favor, don’t lie to the regular folk.  We are not idiots, alright so some of us are very much the idiots but we still would like to hear the truth.  Own your Man-Made Beauty, Kate Winslet!  Own it!  That’s all I gotta say.

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September 11, 2011 | 9:52 pm

Leave a message after the beep

Posted by Julia Bendis

Here’s something I think about almost every time I am about to leave a message for someone.  Do we still need to record an outgoing message telling people to ‘please leave a message after the tone’?  Do we really need to remind people when and how they need to start recording a message for us?

We are in the twenty first century; we have cars that can automatically parallel park for us, we have computers that are smarter than any software engineer out there; we have missiles that can seek out and shoot a target from thousands of miles away without any help from a human being, but yet we still need a reminder to ‘leave a message after the beep’?  Haven’t we been doing that for many, many years by now?  Do we still not know what to do when we hear that beep?

Typically, when I get one of those outgoing messages I like to pretend I didn’t hear their instructions on how to record my message.  Instead when I hear the beep, I start talking to my kids in the background, giving instructions and then complain into the phone about how I don’t know if I heard the the beep and if I should be recording a message at this point or hanging up…  I do however absolutely love those people that record their outgoing message as: “It’s me, you know what to do!”  Nothing else, which is more like it.

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September 5, 2011 | 4:25 pm

Boys and their animal instincts

Posted by Julia Bendis

What is it about children that makes them want to jump all over people, me in particular?  I am sitting on the couch, minding my own business when out of nowhere my six-year-old son decides to pounce on me.  Not only pounce like a cheetah, or a lion or pick your own animal but start climbing all over me.  Why?  Is it a boy thing or do girls do the same thing?

Is this where boys start, with their Mothers and then it continues into adulthood with them pouncing on every living and breathing female they see?  If it’s a purely a subconscious male behavior that starts out in their very early years, I guess I understand it.  Sort of.  But do they have to be so physical and rough?  If I didn’t move fast enough, I am pretty sure I’d have a bloody nose right about now.  And when I try to reason with him about being gentle with girls and ladies of all ages, he tells me he can’t help it because he loves me so much he just can’t control his body.  Crap, it’s starting early.

Can you imagine a man leaping at some woman in a bar, his only explanation that he is so enamored with her that he can’t help but give into his animalistic instincts?  I can imagine it going extremely well…

On the other hand, my eleven-year-old never behaved that way.  He did and still to this day loves to cuddle up next to me on the couch watching a movie.  Yes, sometimes he forgets that he weighs about ninety bounds and is made of pure bones and muscle.  There isn’t a single ounce of fat on that kid, and considering I don’t weigh that much more than him at about five feet nothing, it certainly hurts when he lies down on me.  I cringe with pain, but pretend it doesn’t hurt only to keep him next to me because I know he is turning twelve in a couple of months, and am certain his desire to lay next to his Mother will end the same exact day!  At least he doesn’t use me as his own personal jungle gym like his brother…  I am hoping his instincts, and everything I’ve drilled into him for the past six years will keep him from climbing over some pretty girl at school.  I can only imagine his reasons for doing it: “But my Mom let’s me doing to her ALL the time, and she doesn’t complain!”

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