September 22, 2011 | 6:47 pm

To call or not to call - that is the question…

Posted by Julia Bendis

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My phone rings.  I answer.

- Hello Ma’am.  My name is Blah Blah (I’m not good with names, can’t remember what the hell he said) from Avis Heating and Air conditioning.  I’d like to talk to you about your heating system.  Would you be alright with that?

- Sure, I would be alright with talking to you about my Hot Box, as long as you would be alright with a $1,000 fine for talking to me about it, since I’m on a “Do Not Call List” and all…

Long pause.

- Um, no Ma’am I would not be alright with that.  And I didn’t call about your “hot box”, I called about your Heating system.

- Oh no?  Well, maybe you should have thought about checking that list before calling me.  See the thing is that I’m usually very nice to telemarketers especially when I have the time to listen to them, but now you pissed me off.

- How did I piss you off Ma’am?

- Well, you did it again just now; you called me Ma’am.

- I called you Ma’am?

- Yes, you called me Ma’am.  Did you forget?  Not sure if you are aware but I am a very young and energetic young lady who enjoys life, dancing and long walks on the beach preferably with a very hot, young thing who is not wearing a shirt.  Or pants.  I am not very picky.  I would prefer a shirt and no pants, but I can roll with anything.  I know that’s typically what a girl wears in all those chick flicks, a long men’s shirt and no pants, but I kinda think a hot guy would look good like that also.  What do you think?

- Ma’am, I mean Miss… I am not sure why you are telling me this, and I probably should be going now…

- Why?  Do you have something more important to do besides listen to a crazy chick fantasize?

- Well…

- No, no Paul.  Now you will listen to me.

- My name is Blah Blah.

- OK, Peter.  I guess I better let you go.  My Hot Box is making some strange sounds, need to check it out.

- It’s Blah Blah, Miss.

- Shut up.

Click.

September 20, 2011 | 5:55 pm

Kate Winslet’s Fight Against Plastic Surgery

Posted by Julia Bendis

Kate Winslet started a campaign against plastic surgery in Hollywood.  I am starting my own campaign against Kate Winslet.  Really Kate, you are against cosmetic surgery, and are encouraging other Hollywood starlets not to fall under its magical spell?  Really?  How very convenient for you to start this campaign AFTER you’ve have all your plastic surgery done.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Well, let me refresh your memory.  Remember how you gave birth to two children?  Remember how you got really fat?  Remember how you had all that ugly, saggy skin hanging and hated your body?  Remember how you lost all that baby weight, and all of a sudden had even more sagging skin?  Remember all those interviews you did saying how much you dislike your body?  Does any of that ring a bell?

It’s really funny how all of a sudden you decide to “start loving my body”.  Sure you are loving your body now.  After all those nips and tucks and Botox injections, or whatever it is they inject into women’s foreheads across the pond (say that with an English accent for better effect; sounds much better), of course you are loving your body now!

How very mature of you, as a role model for girls everywhere to mislead them about what a “natural” woman looks like.  Looking at you at the Sunday’s Emmy Awards really made me believe that your hotness is purely due to working out, eating right and shedding baby weight.  Yea, right!  A tummy tuck, a breast lift, and full body liposuction had nothing to do with the way you look now, right?  At least be an adult about it and admit you had work done.  Do us all a favor, don’t lie to the regular folk.  We are not idiots, alright so some of us are very much the idiots but we still would like to hear the truth.  Own your Man-Made Beauty, Kate Winslet!  Own it!  That’s all I gotta say.

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September 11, 2011 | 10:52 pm

Leave a message after the beep

Posted by Julia Bendis

Here’s something I think about almost every time I am about to leave a message for someone.  Do we still need to record an outgoing message telling people to ‘please leave a message after the tone’?  Do we really need to remind people when and how they need to start recording a message for us?

We are in the twenty first century; we have cars that can automatically parallel park for us, we have computers that are smarter than any software engineer out there; we have missiles that can seek out and shoot a target from thousands of miles away without any help from a human being, but yet we still need a reminder to ‘leave a message after the beep’?  Haven’t we been doing that for many, many years by now?  Do we still not know what to do when we hear that beep?

Typically, when I get one of those outgoing messages I like to pretend I didn’t hear their instructions on how to record my message.  Instead when I hear the beep, I start talking to my kids in the background, giving instructions and then complain into the phone about how I don’t know if I heard the the beep and if I should be recording a message at this point or hanging up…  I do however absolutely love those people that record their outgoing message as: “It’s me, you know what to do!”  Nothing else, which is more like it.

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September 5, 2011 | 5:25 pm

Boys and their animal instincts

Posted by Julia Bendis

What is it about children that makes them want to jump all over people, me in particular?  I am sitting on the couch, minding my own business when out of nowhere my six-year-old son decides to pounce on me.  Not only pounce like a cheetah, or a lion or pick your own animal but start climbing all over me.  Why?  Is it a boy thing or do girls do the same thing?

Is this where boys start, with their Mothers and then it continues into adulthood with them pouncing on every living and breathing female they see?  If it’s a purely a subconscious male behavior that starts out in their very early years, I guess I understand it.  Sort of.  But do they have to be so physical and rough?  If I didn’t move fast enough, I am pretty sure I’d have a bloody nose right about now.  And when I try to reason with him about being gentle with girls and ladies of all ages, he tells me he can’t help it because he loves me so much he just can’t control his body.  Crap, it’s starting early.

Can you imagine a man leaping at some woman in a bar, his only explanation that he is so enamored with her that he can’t help but give into his animalistic instincts?  I can imagine it going extremely well…

On the other hand, my eleven-year-old never behaved that way.  He did and still to this day loves to cuddle up next to me on the couch watching a movie.  Yes, sometimes he forgets that he weighs about ninety bounds and is made of pure bones and muscle.  There isn’t a single ounce of fat on that kid, and considering I don’t weigh that much more than him at about five feet nothing, it certainly hurts when he lies down on me.  I cringe with pain, but pretend it doesn’t hurt only to keep him next to me because I know he is turning twelve in a couple of months, and am certain his desire to lay next to his Mother will end the same exact day!  At least he doesn’t use me as his own personal jungle gym like his brother…  I am hoping his instincts, and everything I’ve drilled into him for the past six years will keep him from climbing over some pretty girl at school.  I can only imagine his reasons for doing it: “But my Mom let’s me doing to her ALL the time, and she doesn’t complain!”

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