Marriage 101

In the midst of the chaos of trying on bridal gowns, negotiating with caterers, checking out wedding halls and booking a band, bride-to-be Rochel Friedman decided to take a course.

Friedman, 25, who lives in the Fairfax area, had been engaged for three months when she called up a close friend and said she wanted the friend to give her a 10-lesson course in the Jewish laws of taharat hamishpacha (family purity). Taharat hamishpacha requires a husband and wife to abstain from physical contact while the wife is menstruating and for seven days afterward.

"I wanted to have a marriage that is conducted in the right way," she said. "But I wouldn’t know what the right way is unless somebody could teach it to me, because these laws are very complex. There is not only the dos and don’ts of the mitzvah, but you also need to learn the beauty of it and you need someone to explain to you how this can enhance your marriage."

In the Orthodox community, premarital counseling in the form of the kallah (bride) or chattan (groom) classes where taharat hamishpacha is taught, have traditionally been de rigueur for every engaged person. These courses are generally taught privately by a rabbi (for men) or rebbetzin (for women) considered knowledgeable in the laws. For the most part these courses are given gratis, as the teachers feel it is their duty to provide the knowledge which will help build stable Jewish homes.

"There is no question that taharat hamishpacha makes for stronger marriages," says Rabbi Yitzchok Summers of Anshei Emes Synagogue, who has been teaching chattan classes for 15 years. "It develops the relationship beyond the physical," he says. "In the classes I teach, I explain the way taharat hamishpacha enables one to fuse the physical with holiness and spirituality, which makes for a much stronger relationship between the husband and wife."

"For a Jewish bride, I think these courses are vital, because I believe there are three pillars of Judaism — keeping Shabbat, keeping kosher and observing family purity," says Rebbetzin Judith Cohen, who teaches kallah classes for brides from Aish HaTorah. "On a practical level, when you have to abstain from physical contact for 12 days a month, you want it more, so it creates a sense of longing and desire which keeps the marriage fresh and exciting."

It is not only the Orthodox community that sees the value in preparation before going into a marriage. "I send people with great encouragement to the Making Marriage Work program [a 10-week program that covers a range of topics from using Judaism to enhance the marriage, financial issues, family planning, communication skills and conflict resolution] at the University of Judaism," says Rabbi Joel Rembaum, a Conservative rabbi from Temple Beth Am. "I think it is very important, and I honestly feel that there should be some way communally that we should make premarital counseling mandatory."

Rembaum says that although he does not counsel couples about the laws of family purity per se, he meets three times with every engaged couple that comes to him. "I encourage them to assume the responsibilities of what a Jewish home represents," he says. "I tell them what the experience of living a Jewish life can do for them as a couple, and what it can do for them in terms of raising children."

Judy Urhman, the director of Making Marriage Work, says the course attracts both Reform and Conservative Jews, and many of the students have been referred to the course by their respective rabbis, who understand that premarital counseling is necessary to build strong relationships.

"We did a study of our alumni, and the people who take Making Marriage Work have a 9 percent divorce rate, compared to a national divorce rate of around 50 percent," Urhman says. "I think there is something in the course that can help everyone."