We’ve all been there. It’s late in the day on Yom Kippur, and we’ve been fasting for hours and hours. We’re lightheaded, and disoriented, and not quite feeling ourselves. It’s just then that the rabbi begins the bidding for evening services.
“It’s your last chance to sponsor something if you didn’t get to this morning. The gates of heaven are closing. Now is your chance to make a difference.”
You decide, “Eh, I’ll figure out a way to pay it. I’ll sponsor something. I’m just not going crazy.”
The bidding begins. $50. You lift your hand up. You’re in. Then, sitting across from you is that darn competitive Mr. Wasserman who raises the price to $100. There’s no way Wasserman’s getting this blessing. I have this one on lock.
Before you know it, you’re taken back to that time you were sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas going, “Hit me! Hit me!” It’s exciting, and there’s no way you’re going to let Wasserman get to open the ark that final time before the holiday is over.
Next thing you know, everyone’s patting you on the back saying, “Chazach u’baruch!” It’s the type of congratulations you get only when you’ve done something momentous. You must have extended yourself quite a bit.
You turn to the person next to you and ask, “How much did I pledge?” He says, “You kidding? $25,000 man! You’re keeping the lights on in this place for the next few months! You’re a hero!”
But as the day wanes on and the fast ends, you bite into a muffin and it all comes crashing down. You’re not a hero, and you only $50 in your checking account. You better get that money before the rabbi sends his goons to beat you up. What do you do?
Here are some ideas for how you can get fast money (money you need because you blew it while fasting).
1. Make a hip hop album and sell it on Hollywood Boulevard. The Beastie Boys, Matisyahu, Kosha Dillz, Shyne, Drake. Jews have a long history of rapping. Don’t you think it’s time you tried it out?
2. Go to the tracks for a good old fashioned horse race and bet everything.
You’ve already pledged all your money. It’s time to go double or nothing!
3. Start breeding designer pitbulls and selling the puppies on Craigslist. Puppies = cute, and cute = money.
4. Sell timeshares. You might be thinking to yourself, “But Danny, I don’t have any timeshares to sell.” That’s what places like North Korea are for. I’ve been selling people timeshares there for years. And the best part is, nobody is allowed to get in to check if they’re real! It’s an endless source of cash flow.
5. I hear there’s a lot of money in real estate?
6. Start selling bags of your blood on the black market for DNA testing. If they ask you for your organs, remember how many kiddushes you can sponsor for $25k, and consider it strongly.
7. Find a missing kid from the side of a milk carton. They always offer big rewards for that kind of thing.
8. Return everything in your house to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I hear you don’t need receipts for that.
9. Find someone who needs a green card in a pinch, get married, and double down by sending wedding announcements to your family so you can get those sweet, sweet, checks in the mail.
10. Did you know that under the right circumstances a producer can make more with a flop than he can with a hit?
11. Open a Kickstarter for an awesome product you never plan to actually invent. Just say, oops, I tried!
12. Start billing people to plant a tree in Israel in their name.
13. Do some kind of insurance fraud. I don’t know what. I’ll leave that one up to your imagination.
14. Did I mention that under the right circumstances a producer can make more – oh wait, I think I did.
15. Take a Tiger Schulmann karate class at your local strip mall and then, wearing a full ninja suit, rob a bank in Tokyo after hours using a series of grappling ropes and suction cups to go up the side of the building. Tom Cruise does this stuff all the time.
16. Sell your identity to hackers. It’s not worth anything anyway.
17. Become an overnight YouTube sensation (I hear there’s money in that)
18. Did you know that every time you refer a friend to Uber they’ll give you up to $20 in free rides? (Could be useful)
You messed up, but now’s the time to make it right. With my helpful tips, you’ll be swimming in money or no time. Or maybe you’ll end up way worse off than you were before. But the good news is, you’ll always have next Yom Kippur to repent if you do. Just be sure that if you do, it’s at another synagogue.
Have a meaningful fast, everyone.
Danny Lobell is an L.A.-based standup comedian who runs the podcasts “Modern Day Philosophers” and “The Mostly Bull Market,” as well as a monthly improvised storytelling show at the Hollywood Improv called “Bookshelf.”
More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.