August 29, 2011 | 3:07 pm

Mother Love

Posted by Annie Korzen

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Journal Mother Love 8/29/11
When our son Jonathan was a teenager, we made it clear that he was expected to get a summer job.  He tried hard but couldn’t find anything, so I asked my architect friend Charles to give Jonathan some office work.  We made a deal that I would pay Jonathan’s salary in secret: he was not to know that his proudly earned paycheck was coming from his mommy.

Jonathan came home one day and announced that Charles was not happy with his appearance.  He had been showing up for work in his usual attire of stained t-shirts and scuffed sneakers - at a company that was all about style and image.  So I had to go out and buy my son a whole new wardrobe so that he could earn a salary that I myself was underwriting!

We ran out of money just around the time that Jonathan graduated from college, so he knew he would have to make it on his own.  This turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him.  He struggled for a few years, and shared expenses with a few roommates.  He tried a variety of jobs in film, photography, carpentry - even waiting tables when he got really desperate.  Finally I said, “What kind of job do you think would make you happiest?” 

He said he’d love to work in publishing - a notoriously low-paying profession.  I did not advise him to go for the money.  Instead, I encouraged him to follow his dream.  He got a low-level job at a dot.com which was just starting to produce audio books on the Internet.  The company, Audible.com, took off, and Jono ended up being head of a department with a good salary, stock options, interesting travel, and all those other perks that I’m told people with real jobs enjoy.

Eventually, Jonathan got tired of the corporate grind, and decided to take a lower-paying, less stressful job at a non-profit do-goody institution.  Again, I encouraged him to follow his heart and not use “Show me the money!” as his only mantra: a relaxed, meaningful life-style also counts for something.  Of course, I may regret this high-mindedness when I’m in my dotage and Jonathan can’t afford to take care of me.

August 24, 2011 | 3:01 pm

Boomerang Kids

Posted by Annie Korzen

ENOUGH ALREADY!
In most cultures in the world, grown children are expected to feed, clothe, and house their elders and in many cases it’s the mother-in-law who runs the family.  What an excellent idea! In our society, however, parenting seems to have become a lifetime job.

After you’ve raised the kid and survived the childhood injuries, the teenage psychoses, and the near-bankruptcy of tuition costs, you get all teary at a college graduation ceremony and congratulate yourself on a job well done.  The offspring is launched, your life is your own again, and you think about turning the kid’s room into a ceramics studio.  Think again. 

Young adults face a brutal reality shock when they leave the warm cocoon of home and school.  Finding a job and a place to live are tough challenges, especially in our difficult economy. Nowadays, a lot of college grads are boomeranging right back to mama’s house.

If – God forbid – I had a twenty or thirty-something living with me, I would at least expect some help with the chores.  My friend Nancy is a college professor whose son and daughter-in-law live with her.  The daughter-in-law loves to cook, bake, and garden: that sounds like a pretty fair exchange to me.  On the other hand, I know a woman who prepares her slacker son’s lunch before she leaves for work, and does his laundry on weekends.  This mother is a psychologist.  I think she could use some therapy.

 

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August 22, 2011 | 12:46 pm

The Secular Bar Mitzvah

Posted by Annie Korzen

Coming-of-age rituals are a part of growing up.  They exist in every culture: christenings, communions, sweet-sixteens, quinceaneras, debutante balls – whatever.  They can all take a bite out of your wallet. But, thrifty as we are, that is not the main reason we did not give our son, Jonathan a traditional bar mitzvah. 

Hebrew is a sung language when it’s used for prayer – and Jono can’t carry a tune.  I didn’t want him to go through the humiliation of having to sing in public.  More importantly, since we’re not religious, we felt it would be hypocritical to join a temple just for this one occasion.

But we did want our son to have some kind of “now-I-am-a-man” ceremony, and we wanted him to celebrate his Jewish roots, so we created our own secular event.  We sent him to a Yiddish poet for several months of private lessons in Jewish history, culture and literature.  We invited a bunch of people over for a big lunch, and Jonathan read a speech he had written called “Jewish Values in the Modern World.”  Also, I had asked each guest to give Jono a list of their ten favorite books and movies so that he could have his own personal liberal arts guide. 

The celebration was a huge success and everyone congratulated us on being innovative and creative and true to our own values.  Everyone, that is, except our son.  He felt cheated, and accused us of doing a cheapo hippy-dippy version of what could have been a much more profitable opportunity for him.

“Why didn’t I have a real bar mitzvah with a party in a fancy restaurant? I would have gotten lots of money and cool gifts instead of books, pens, and those stupid lists!” 

And then I remembered the first law of parenthood: whatever choice you make, your child will resent you for it - so you might as well do what feels right to you.  I told Jonathan that if he really wanted a traditional bar mitzvah with an extravagant party he would have to wait until he could pay for it himself - like Kirk Douglas did at the age of eighty-three. (Mazeltov, Spartacus!)  As it happens, Jono now gets a lot of pleasure and pride out of being well educated.  And he admits that those “stupid lists” stirred the beginnings of his intellectual curiosity.

Word got out about our event and a writer called to interview me.  He was doing a book about people who create their own rituals.  My favorite was about an Italian family.  For many generations they have been carpenters: old-fashioned craftsmen who still carve furniture the traditional way.  This is a dying art, like so many artisanal crafts.  As a matter of fact, modern-day Italy has a surplus of doctors, and a shortage of shoemakers.  But this particular family wanted to keep their craft alive, so they had a rule: no child could eat with the grown-ups until he made his own chair. Bravo!

 

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August 17, 2011 | 12:32 pm

Thrifty Parenting, Part 2, Educating Your Child

Posted by Annie Korzen

THE BIG E
If we want our kids to have secure financial futures, we have to pay the price of educating them. The more nerdy they are as teenagers, the more successful they’ll be later on.  Brains earn bucks, and nobody knows this better than poor immigrants.  I grew up in a neighborhood of hard-working refugees whose children all went to college, whereas. I know more than one wealthy family where the kids are high-school drop-outs.

There are cheapo ways to enrich your kids’ cultural life. I know a few families who reserve Fridays for Classic Movie Night. They make a batch of popcorn and watch old musicals, Hitchcock thrillers, and, as the kids get older, foreign masterpieces from Ingmar Bergman and Kurosawa. Dare I say an evening like this is a much better investment in your child’s future than Friday night football?

But we can’t do all the educating ourselves, and college costs money. As with everything else, there are always ways to save.

Financial aid is available. Federal loans vary from state to state – and sometimes even county to county, and the stimulus package is releasing additional Federal funds for educational grants and loans.

There are all kinds of private scholarships. Many are based on ethnicity and gender – including trans-gender.  Some scholarships often go unused because they are so obscure and unusual – like the ones for grandchildren of World War II vets from certain platoons.  Here are some other little known listings I just came across:

1. National Marbles Tournament Scholarships
2. Patrick Kerr Skateboard Scholarship and, my personal favorite,
3. National Candy Technologists Scholarship

o Some employers give tuition aid.
o Unions can be a source of financial help.
o I was surprised to learn that you can actually negotiate when a school offers a scholarship. If you’ve received a better offer from another college, you can us that as a bargaining tool, and they will often match the competition.
o There are all kinds of work-study programs, where you not only earn money, but you might actually learn something of value.  My son was put to work in the college computer lab, where he acquired many useful skills.  He’s still the one I call when my laptop acts up.

o If your kid attends a local community college for two years, he/she can then transfer to a four-year school, and you have saved a bundle. The savings are not only in tuition, which is considerable, but the student can stay at home so you don’t have to cover additional living expenses.  Also, you can monitor the beer-binging.  Let’s face it: college dorms, frat houses, and off-campus housing are cesspools of alcohol and drug excess.  (Maybe the best way to guard against those dangerous experiments is to let kids have a little wine mixed with water at special occasions when they’re growing up, like the French and Italians do - giving them an early lesson in moderation.)

o I spoke to Dr. Leon Botstein, President of my alma mater, Bard College, who advised; “If you want to go to college on the cheap, be a straight A student.  There is a lack of excellence in American high school students and high achievers are greatly in demand.  Your education will be paid for if you are outstanding – not only in academics, but in music, science, sports.  The wealthy do not live up to their privilege, and too many affluent children are poor students.” (That’s because they’re out with mom at the mall, buying pricey designer outfits when they should be at home conjugating French verbs.)

Textbook prices are insane. A student could easily pay close to $500 a semester on books they will probably never need again, like the $150 Introduction to Statistics text required at one school.  You can find a lot of these books online, buy them used on campus, or, if possible, buddy up with a classmate.  There’s always a way to cut costs if you’re committed to a thrifty lifestyle.

 

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August 15, 2011 | 12:20 pm

Thrifty Parenting, Part 1

Posted by Annie Korzen

When my son, Jonathan, was little, he used to ask me why he didn’t have any brothers or sisters, and I would say, “We didn’t have more children because we got the one we wanted.”  This was almost true.  What I left out was that kids cost money.  They demand costly things like baby-sitters, and college, and braces. 

SITTING PRETTY
I solved the child-care issue by giving piano lessons at home when Jono was little - plus my parents lived nearby.  We all know that grandparents are the best babysitters – and the price is right!  My sister-in-law lives in the same suburb as her married daughters, so the grandkids just bike over for visits.  I live three thousand miles away from my son, so if he has children I will not enjoy the privileges of an extended family.  I’m very sad about this, but I’ve already set up Skype with a webcam as a way of keeping in touch.

DOLLARS, BUT NO SENSE
Raising a child is an expensive proposition, but money doesn’t necessarily lead to good parenting.

• I sometimes take a look at The Real Housewives of Someplace-or-Other just for the sheer pleasure of feeling superior.  One mother took her two surly teenage girls to the mall and spent $1800 on seven pieces.  These were not prom dresses, they were everyday items.  One of the girls was still surly, however, because she didn’t know for sure if she was going to get a BMW for her 18th birthday.
• An affluent mother on one of those wife-swapping reality shows had three kids and two nannies, and spent her days on what she called “me” time: shopping, lunching, exercising and grooming.  She spent an average of two hours a day with her kids and never had dinner with them - which proves that wealth has absolutely nothing to do with good parenting

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August 15, 2011 | 12:20 pm

Thrifty Parenting, Part 1

Posted by Annie Korzen

When my son, Jonathan, was little, he used to ask me why he didn’t have any brothers or sisters, and I would say, “We didn’t have more children because we got the one we wanted.”  This was almost true.  What I left out was that kids cost money.  They demand costly things like baby-sitters, and college, and braces. 

SITTING PRETTY
I solved the child-care issue by giving piano lessons at home when Jono was little - plus my parents lived nearby.  We all know that grandparents are the best babysitters – and the price is right!  My sister-in-law lives in the same suburb as her married daughters, so the grandkids just bike over for visits.  I live three thousand miles away from my son, so if he has children I will not enjoy the privileges of an extended family.  I’m very sad about this, but I’ve already set up Skype with a webcam as a way of keeping in touch.

DOLLARS, BUT NO SENSE
Raising a child is an expensive proposition, but money doesn’t necessarily lead to good parenting.

• I sometimes take a look at The Real Housewives of Someplace-or-Other just for the sheer pleasure of feeling superior.  One mother took her two surly teenage girls to the mall and spent $1800 on seven pieces.  These were not prom dresses, they were everyday items.  One of the girls was still surly, however, because she didn’t know for sure if she was going to get a BMW for her 18th birthday.
• An affluent mother on one of those wife-swapping reality shows had three kids and two nannies, and spent her days on what she called “me” time: shopping, lunching, exercising and grooming.  She spent an average of two hours a day with her kids and never had dinner with them - which proves that wealth has absolutely nothing to do with good parenting

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August 10, 2011 | 10:37 am

Free Kidney on Craig’s List

Posted by Annie Korzen

A short while ago I was at a meet-the-authors brunch at American Jewish University, talking about my Bargain Junkie book.  At one point I said to the audience, “I want to hear your own greatest bargain stories.  The best one I ever heard was about a woman who got a free kidney on Craigslist.  It’s hard to believe, but I’ve been assured it’s true.”
There was some disbelieving laughter, but one attractive white-haired woman raised her hand and said, “That was me!”  I couldn’t believe she was actually in the audience.  She came up to the podium and told her story.  In 2009, she had been on dialysis for two years, and on the long waiting list for a kidney transplant for four years.  One day, a friend called and said that someone on Craigslist was offering to donate a kidney to anyone in need.  She got in touch with him, and a few months later, the operation took place at UCLA.  The donor was a man who wanted to make amends for some bad choices in his life.  The kidney worked perfectly right from the start, and the woman now lives an active, healthy life.
Now that’s what I call a Bargain!

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August 8, 2011 | 3:38 pm

MORE FREEBIES

Posted by Annie Korzen

MYSTERIOUS CLIPSHere’s a puzzling fact: for some reason, there are always perfectly good paper clips lying on the sidewalk.  Unless you’re germ-phobic - which is one of the few fears I do not have – you can pick up all manner of paper clips in varying sizes and colors any day of the week.  And Mother Earth will smile upon you when those babies end up on your desk rather than in the ocean – which is where all street litter ends up. 

WATCH AND LEARN
WWW.YOUTUBE.COM  offers a huge variety of no/cost mini-classes on any subject imaginable.

• How to Wax your Pottery before Glazing.
• Playing E Minor 7 in 3rd Inversion Arpeggios on Guitar
• Ending Off a Spiral Knot Hemp Bracelet.

I don’t know what a spiral knot hemp bracelet is, but if I were making one I would certainly want to know how to end it off.  This site is a godsend for people like me, who never leave the house.  I just practiced the basic salsa step, and I’m about to learn how to introduce myself in Japanese.

A more cerebral free learning center is www.TED.com, which stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design.  This site offers 15-minute talks on weighty subjects by the world’s great thinkers, plus entertaining pieces by off-beat performance artists. You can watch Steve Jobs, you can watch Jane Goodall, you can watch Gordon Brown - unless you’re a lowbrow like me: I watched some very funny jugglers.

FREE CAKE
Many restaurants will give you a complimentary dessert if you mention it’s someone’s birthday. I suspect some folks pretend it’s their birthday just to get the free slice of cake but, cheapskate that I am, I haven’t yet sunk that low. I couldn’t take the guilt of having the waiters serenade me while I was stealing from them.

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