Jewish Journal

Pop Quiz: Are You A True Bargainista?

by Annie Korzen

September 21, 2011 | 1:42 pm

These questions will test your thriftyhood. (Hint: the correct answer is always B.)

1. You are about to leave a restaurant, and there is still some bread left in the basket. You

    A. Are not at all agonized by the thought that it will all be dumped into the garbage.
    B. Wrap the remaining slices in a napkin for tomorrow’s breakfast. This is why you always carry a large bag.

2. You see a quarter lying on the sidewalk. You

    A. Walk on by without sullying your fingers.
    B. Bend down, pick it up, put it in your pocket - and hand it to the next homeless person you come across.

3. You bring home a pound of potato salad from an overpriced deli. I’m not mentioning any names, but if I were, it would be Whole Foods.  At dinner, you discover that the potatoes are sorely undercooked. You

    A. Force it down, pretending that the crunchiness comes from carrots.
    B. Return it the next day and demand a refund, which you use on something safe like a jar of chopped sun-dried tomatoes.

4. Your friend is moving out of town, and offers you two huge boxes of kitchenware. You do not like or need any of it. You
A. Politely refuse, explaining that you have limited storage space.
B. Gratefully accept, and then sell it all at your next garage sale.

5. The restaurant charges an extra $7.95 to add a salad buffet to your steak dinner. You and your husband
A. Both pay the additional charge.
            B. Get just one buffet, and let the other person have a few little tastes.

And I do mean “little.” Otherwise it’s stealing.  This way it’s only stealing a teensky-weensky bit. I once got nailed – unfairly, I thought – for a similar attempt on an airplane.  Benni had heroically offered me all his miles, so I was traveling First Class, and he was stuck in Coach.  His only request was that I bring him a mimosa.

When the steward offered drinks, I felt it would be chintzy to ask for two, so I took only one and brought it back to Hubby.  I was severely chastised by the attendant, who said that it was unfair for my spouse to receive a free drink when the people around him had to pay.  I failed to see the logic of this one, but offered to bring back more drinks for Benni’s seat-mates.  The attendant was not amused.

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Annie Korzen is a comedy writer and performer. Her humorous essays have been printed in The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and more. She has...

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