January 31, 2012 | 10:55 pm

I’m Worried

Posted by Monica Farassat

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Hi

I have recently been obsessing over my future. I don’t know specifically what I am so worried about but I have been thinking about it a lot. With the new year, I think a lot about where I am going to be by the end of the year. I worry about my career, whether or not I am making the right choices. I worry about finances, and no longer want to get money from my father. I want to be able to control my worries.

worried

Dear worried,

If you were in my office, I would ask you several questions: How long have your “obsessions about your future” begun? Did anything happen to trigger these thoughts and concerns? Is this just a current state of affairs for you, or have you always suffered from anxiety?
Your last statement “I want to be able to control my worries” is reflective of how you must be suffering. Anxiety is a very difficult and hard to tolerate state of being. Unfortunately, many people suffer from it. Anxiety can be situational and acute, caused by an uncontrollable event, or it can be chronic, with often a genetic predisposition. This means that we can inherit anxiety, and at times, aside from a learned behavior, there are chemical imbalances in the brain that can contribute to the anxiety.
It is very important to explore the causes of your anxiety. Whatever it is, it is quite necessary to take care of it before it becomes bigger than life. The good news is that this can be treated.

Anxiety often covers unprocessed feelings. In your case the theme seems to be about your fear of helplessness toward an unpredictable world, and your doubts about your ability to take care of yourself. This may have to do with your developmental stage of transitioning into an adult; or it may be based on some outside reality of financial hardship; or yet it could be related to something completely undifferentiated. Sometimes when we do not feel in control of our lives we project that fear onto everything outside of ourselves. Another strong feeling that anxious people experience is the feeling of guilt, which seems reflected in your need not to be dependent on your dad for money.

I highly recommend that you seek help, and find a place where you would be able to unload these thoughts and fears. I have a feeling, all you need is a place where you can explore your options, find your strength, and feel contained. You may just need a push to the right direction.

Sincerely,
Ask Your Therapists

January 13, 2012 | 1:37 am

Feeling Second Best

Posted by Golie Zarabi

Dear Therapists,



I am 38 years old, and have been dating my girlfriend for three years now. She has a son from a previous marriage that is 10 years old. For the most part, he and I get a long very well. Sometimes he even calls me ‘dad’. Recently, I feel like his relationship with his mom, my girlfriend, is having an indirect impact on our relationship and its progression. I have alluded to wanting to get married over the last year, and she believes that its too soon for us to get married because it may have an impact on her son. Though I understand her need to protect her son, I also feel like a lot of the things I want to do in my life, and hope to do, will be put on hold because of her son. I wonder if I will always be second best? Or if I will ever be a priority? I don’t want to compete with her child, or be a burden on that relationship, but sometimes I feel 
like I am getting put on the backburner.

Sincerely,
Feeling Second Best

Dear Feeling Second Best,

It is quite clear that entering a relationship where kids are involved is no small challenge. It’s understandable that you are frustrated about the slow progression of your relationship, and often feel second best to your girlfriend as compared to her son. However, when you chose to date a woman with a young child you actually signed up for a divided attention from her. It is inevitable that as a responsible mother she would be protective of her son, and would want to make the best choices for him. In fact, this sort of accountability should be considered as a positive quality about this woman, which might have been one of the reasons you were drawn to her. You would know that if the two of you ever have children together she would be a good and responsible mother. All this said, you might also want to consider that her love and affection for her son does not need to compare with her love and affection for you. She treats you like an adult. Her responsibility towards you is of a romantic, and adult nature. You can negotiate the terms of your relationship, and discuss your needs in a mutual and adult level. Her relationship to her son is more of a caretaker nature, and is therefore not mutual. He needs her in a completely different way than you do. Just think about the balancing act your girlfriend must be struggling with between being a competent mother, and an attentive girlfriend.
It seems like you feel Your goal and hope in being with her is incongruent with what she can provide at this time. What you need and want is being affected by her limitations due to being a mother. This is where in an adult relationship you can talk about your needs, and she can also express hers, and you will have to find a way to make both of you happy. Negotiation means creating a win/win solution. But first you have to think about whether or not your love for her can endure her commitment and dedication to her child.
In the end, it is quite important that you can be honest about your rivalry feelings towards her son. Understanding why you feel this way may help reduce some of the tension you experience around this subject. For example, is it possible that some of your own unfulfilled childhood needs (with your own mother) may have been triggered by watching the relationship between your girlfriend and her son? These are just possibilities, worth exploring. The point is that you should pay attention to your feelings, and first explore it from your end, and also try to always find a way to have a dialogue about such important matters with your girlfriend. Often couples caught up in complex dynamics, like yours, benefit from couple’s therapy, where both of you can assert your needs and discuss transitions you may be embarking on in the future while being sensitive to each other’s needs.



Best Wishes
,
Ask Your Therapist Team

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January 8, 2012 | 12:12 am

Feeling Guilty

Posted by Natalie Landver

Dear Therapists,

I am a 20 year old female and my parents have been divorced for over 5 years. My mom has been remarried for the past three. I feel close to her husband when I am around him and he has become another father figure in my life. However, when occasion’s and events bring us together and my biological dad is also present, I feel bad giving my step dad any attention or love in front of my dad. Even though he never says anything about my relationship with my stepfather and I don’t think he is angry of the fact that I have a relationship with him I still feel guilty and I am afraid of being disloyal. How can I bring these two worlds together without hurting either them? I care about them both in different ways.

Sincerely,
Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty,

Your position of feeling responsible to keep everyone comfortable may need a closer evaluation. You seem to be concerned for the emotional well being of your dad, and believe that if you show affection to your step father, your biological father would feel hurt. All this is despite the fact that your father has not mentioned anything to you, and has not expressed any anger to you. It may be worth considering that some of the feelings that you worry about with your dad may stem from your own unfinished or unattended emotions related to your parent’s divorce in general and specifically to his loss, and having to adjust to a new father figure and family dynamic into your life.
Have you stopped to think about the effect of your parent’s divorce, and the adoption of a new father figure at the tender age of 15, and how ultimately it all might have impacted your understanding of family?
My concern is that you may not have had the forum or the opportunity to evaluate your feelings about this. It is wonderful that you like your step-father, but have you ever allowed yourself to feel your own hurt as a result of this divorce? Did you have to pretend that everything was o.k. because you did not want your parents to tolerate further pain, or that you did not want to rock the boat further?  Feeling guilty is extremely powerful; sometimes guilt also covers other feelings like disappointment, anger, etc. Think about it, why should you feel guilty for liking your step dad? Where does this feeling guilty stem from? What did YOU do wrong?  Your parents should feel relieved that you get along with him. Why is it your responsibility to integrate the two worlds, and to keep everyone safe and pain free? Don’t you trust that your father can actually take care of himself?  Do you see him as fragile?
It is not unusual for children,  to take on the emotional responsibility of the well being of their parents in the case of divorce, and physical separation from one parent. They are so scared of losing their parents (especially the more absent one), that they take on the task of making them happy. Look at your other relationships. Does the “guilt” come up in other aspects of your life as well? Does “caring” to you means responding out of guilt, or taking on other people’s emotional hurt? Is it possible for you to care about others in different ways?
It may be a great idea to share your feelings with your father. It sounds like he may be approachable. Sometimes what we think in our head, turns out to be much bigger than it is in reality.
In the end, it’s a great opportunity for you to reflect upon your tendency to carry on the load of your parent’s well being, and to feel their pain for them. It is very important to spend the time to really think about and understand where your feelings of guilt come from. Finding ways to gain insight into your feelings, and behavior, might release some of the intensity of this guilt.

Good luck,
Ask your therapists team

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January 5, 2012 | 9:47 pm

Dear Feeling Lost

Posted by Natalie Landver

Dear Therapists,

I am 29 years old and my boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago.  I was ready to get married, and he was more focused on his career.  He is in law school and still has a long road ahead of him before he is established financially.  Often he calls me to tell me that he misses me, however, he still says he is not ready for the responsibilities. I want to start the next chapter of my life.  I feel like I should let go and move on, however, the possibility of the future leaves me hopeful and keeps me from moving on.

Sincerely,
Feeling Lost

Dear Feeling Lost,

It may appear that your ex boyfriend is the one that’s confused, however, you might want to take a look at what is pulling you and keeping you in a situation that is ambivalent.
We suspect that there may be a part of you that prefers this pull and push. That’s the dynamic that you need to take a look at and explore further. As confused as you are saying you are, you actually seem to know the truth about the circumstances of this relationship, which is no commitment yet. What stops you from confronting that? i.e. demanding commitment, setting boundaries, or letting go. It seems to us that it can be easy for you to hide behind his ambivalence than admitting your own.  Sometimes our ambivalence is indication of some form of fear, and not taking accountability for our decisions. In other words it’s like a smoke screen and it protects you from knowing the truth. In that case why would you not want to see the truth? The truth here is in front of you. His pattern has not changed, neither has his excuse.  A lot of times, reflecting and exploring your own set of values and dynamics in a safe environment through therapy or other means can clear your vision.

Sincerely,
Ask Your Therapists Team
To ask us your questions, or set up an appointment, email us at: ask@askyourtherapists.com
View our bios at the “ABOUT” icon below.

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January 4, 2012 | 10:16 am

Can’t Control Myself

Posted by Monica Farassat

Hello,
I have an issue with overeating. I live with my parents and they buy a lot of junk food. When I see food, I feel a compulsion to eat, and I do. I feel disgusted with myself. I want to change. I realize, though, that part of the reason I want to change is to look good on dates to gain acceptance from other people. The idea that I must change for others to accept me makes me feel pressured. What is the correct mentality to have to help a person accept themselves while still being motivated to change? Also, since our success is partially dependent on others accepting us, how can we deal when we have faults that others cannot accept?

Sincerely,

Can’t control myself

Dear Can’t Control Myself,

You seem to be quite reflective, and raise such heartfelt questions. To begin with, your over eating may be your way of coping with some deep emotional pain.  Over eating as a coping mechanism is not that much different than using drugs to escape painful feelings. They both often serve a similar purpose, that of numbing, forgetting, and avoiding the painful realities. The difference between compulsive drug use, and compulsive eating is that food is necessary for survival, which makes the recovery from over eating a bit more complicated. Yet there are thousands upon thousands of people who have been able to overcome over eating.
If I were to use a metaphor, I suspect that your desire for food is not due to physical hunger, but rather due to emotional hunger.
You might want to start by asking yourself what feelings am I numbing by eating compulsively?  What is food replacing for me? When did I begin using food as a way of avoiding my feelings, or as a way of soothing myself? What am I trying to sooth?
It seems like some of the answers may be related to the rest of your post regarding feelings of acceptance. Acceptance is an interesting concept. What does it mean to you to be accepted? Are you really asking if people like you, and want to be with you despite your appearance? What is it that you think needs to be changed before you feel accepted by others?
You have not mentioned in your post whether or not you are overweight. I suspect, that is what you are referring to regarding motivation to change.
Sometimes the extra weight people put on unconsciously serves as a shield to keep others away from getting too close. It is not unusual to have ambivalent feelings about intimacy and closeness. So while you may desire to date, and be liked by others, you may also unconsciously be scared, and keep them away by your shield.
Feeling accepted should first come intrinsically. No matter how accepted you may be from the outside, you will not feel it unless you can accept yourself. In order to accept yourself, you might need to face your fears your pain, and all the emotions that you have managed to suppress by eating. You need to learn to be kind to yourself despite your limitations. We all have them. When you start this journey towards self-acceptance, you may appeal to your parents to support you by keeping a healthier nutritional household. But it has to start with you.
There are so many avenues for help. There is a self-help group called “OA” or Over Eaters’ Anonymous. The link is http://www.oa.org/.  If, however, you prefer individual work, therapy with the right therapist would also be very valuable.

With Deep Regards,

Ask Your Therapists Team

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January 2, 2012 | 7:27 pm

In Love & Concerned

Posted by Golie Zarabi

Dear Therapists, 

I am 29 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year.  We are very happy together and have been recently discussing a future marriage and a family. Though I am excited to be in such a loving relationship, there is one very important topic we have not discussed. My boyfriend is not Jewish. I know that my family will not support a marriage unless I am dating a Jewish man or unless he converts. I do not know how to ask him if he would convert to Judaism? Is it too much to ask someone? Or do we need to break up before we move any further? 

Sincerely,
In love & concerned

Dear In Love & Concerned, 

Thank you for your question. I can imagine how difficult it must be to have your heart in a relationship and yet your mind tells you that decisions need to be made. It is evident that your family is important to you, and that you value their support and blessing. I wonder, is marrying a Jewish man and raising a family with Jewish religion and culture solely important to your family, or is it equally as important for you?  It may be that you have an image of what you want your future and family to look like, and you are concerned if your partner has the same plan? You are wondering if you and your partner are on the same page. Do you have the same goals, and are you willing to make compromises for one another to move to the next step? I do not know if asking your boyfriend to convert would be asking too much- only he knows that. It is important for you to bring your needs and concerns to the table, and give your partner the opportunity to figure out what his needs are. This is a discussion that may be beneficial to have sooner rather than later so you both know what future you want to create together. Good luck! 

Sincerely, 
Ask Your Therapists Team
To ask us your questions, or set up an appointment, e-mail us at:  ask@askyourtherapists.com
View our bios at the “ABOUT” icon below.

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January 2, 2012 | 7:10 pm

Confused Mother

Posted by Natalie Landver

Dear Therapists, 

    I feel stuck in a very stressful situation.  My daughter is 23 years old and lives at home with my husband and I.  She is working at her first job and saved some money for herself, and has recently been bringing up the idea of moving into her own place.  She points out that most of her American friends are already living on their own, and that she wants to be more independent.  However, in our culture, it is not so common for young adults to move out of the house until they are married.  We don’t know why she wants to leave us.  We give her everything, and allow her as much space as she needs.  This has caused stress in our relationship and is very concerning to us.  How do we deal with this? 

Sincerely, 
Confused Mother

Dear Confused Mother,   

    It sounds like you really care for and adore your daughter. We understand that this situation is complex and a difficult process for you and your husband. There is a lot to consider here. Culture and tradition is a strong component especially among immigrant families versus the first generation Americans. However, there are also developmental dynamics that are worth considering. Do you have real concerns about your daughter’s safety or wellbeing? Do you believe that your daughter is capable of living on her own yet?  Do you trust that her bond to you is strong enough that she will remain connected to you? All those issues considered, it is not unusual for parents to experience the empty nest syndrome at the exact time as you are experiencing it.  Don’t forget that you have had your daughter to focus on for 23 years.  Your life may have revolved around your plans, your goals, and your dreams for her.  Of course it makes sense that the possibility of her moving away is threatening to you.  You may feel that you are losing her. However, her desire to leave does not mean that she wants to leave YOU. It means that she is ready to fly and explore the world through her own eyes. You have provided shelter and love for her for 23 years, and hopefully you have prepared her to become independent and to have skills to take care of herself; you have given her the biggest gift of all. Usually at this stage, parents have to reevaluate their roles and identities.  This can be a growth experience for both of you.  Ironically, as your daughter grows to become an adult, and you reevaluate your identity separate from being a mom, you may find a deeper and more mature connection with her.  You might want to consider, that if anything, you have done a good job raising her and instilling enough confidence in her so that she has the courage to take this step.   
    At the end of the book Chosen by Chaim Potok there is a story from Talmud about “a king who had a son who went astray. The son was told, ‘Return to your father.’ The son replied that he could not. The king then sent a messenger to the son with the message… ‘Come back to me as far as you can, and I will meet you the rest of the way.”

Sincerely, 
Ask Your Therapists Team

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