Jewish Journal

Why am I here now?

by Ilana Angel

August 12, 2009 | 2:36 pm

I usually wake up around 6 o’clock every morning.  I will go for a walk and just enjoy how quiet everything is before the day comes alive.  I think about my plans, my schedule for the day and the things I need to do.  I make lists in my head of the stuff I need to take care of for myself, my son, my job.  I pray.  That’s my morning routine. 

I am aware every day that my greatest blessing is being a mother to my child.  I have gratitude for my family and my friends.  I am committed to my faith, my dreams and my hopes for both myself, my son, my friends and my family.  I am happy when I write my blog and have a million things that I want to talk about in terms of dating and being single and relationships.  I’ve got stories of my own and from others that I want to share because I think they will entertain, enlighten and resonate.  With all that said I have a date tonight and that I am even able to put these few sentences together is a miracle. 

I feel sick to my stomach and go back and forth between being excited and wanting to cancel.  Really?  I’m 43 years old and it’s not like this is my first date.  I don’t get it.  Can someone please explain to me why this one particular date is throwing me off my game?  He’s a nice guy.  It will be fun.  I will be fine.  I am confident and open and dating is not a problem for me.  While I’m certainly not a huge fan of dating, I do it and I work it and I’m committed to meeting someone so I make it happen.

I guess I just never thought I would be at this place in my life at this time of my life.  It’s weird to be living the life I led in my 20’s when I’m now in my 40’s and responsible for a life other than my own.  Dating is tough when you’re young and almost embarrassing when you’re old.  You are reminded that you have a failed marriage or series of failed relationships.  You get all dolled up and look your best and then have to go out and admit to a stranger that you are worth taking a chance on when you’ve got a not so stellar track record.  It’s a brutal situation to be in.

To all my married and in a relationship friends and readers, tell your spouse/partner that you love them and fix whatever is broken because it is a jungle out here and trust me, you DO NOT want to be here.  To all my single friends and readers, we’re all in the same boat and rather than be embarrassed, just look around the boat and pass a life preserver when you see someone who needs it because even when it feels like the boat is sinking, all will be well if we just keep the faith.

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