Jewish Journal

Oy Vey, not again

by Ilana Angel

August 30, 2009 | 12:33 pm

I try really hard to live my life without regret because it’s such a horrible feeling.  The hope is that I will learn from every experience and accept that I make the choices I do for a reason.  I believe that even though lessons are sometimes hard to learn, if I view them as opportunities for growth then regret rarely creeps in.  Now all this sounds lovely in theory but this morning none of it is true.  I am filled with regret over a decision I have made yet I can’t quite seem to allow myself to undo what I have done.  I have broken a promise I made to myself and it does not feel good.  I really just cannot believe I would allow this to happen.  I shall pray for strength as I have done the unimaginable.  Yes it is true people, I rejoined JDate.

To clarify, JDate is a great thing.  My last two long term relationships were with men I met through JDate so I know it can work.  It’s not the idea of JDate that is troubling to me, it’s the knowledge that it’s going to take a lot of work and time and energy to see any results.  I just took a look around and the faces are all the same, mine now included.  I see men I dated in the past, men my friends have dated, men who were once married to my friends, men who wanted to date me and I rejected, men I wanted to date and they rejected me.  In the 5 minutes I could stand to look around there were only a few faces that seemed to be new since my last visit almost two years ago. 

The filtering process for online dating is exhausting.  With my work, my son starting back at school and my writing I don’t know how I can possibly do it.  I know you will find this hard to believe, but I happen to know for a fact that some people who date online LIE.  Shocking I know!  It takes so long to sort through the lies.  The top three types of lies are 1) The “he is not really hurting anyone, he’s just trying to work it all out and bless him for trying lie”.  This would be something simple like saying he was 5’10” when really he is 5’7”.  2) The “he read my profile and is now emailing me with all the right trigger words based on his false knowledge of me which makes me think he has a lot of potential” lie.  This is someone who studies your profile, finds ways to weave himself into what you wrote which is instantly romantic but must immediately be translated into the fact that he is only looking for a booty call and he’ll be gone faster than he appeared.  3) The “I am looking for a real relationship and am so ready for love and you so get me and I’ve been hurt and you are the first woman who seems to understand” lie.  These men are married, or in relationships or need a green card or are writing you from prison.

Oy Vey!  I’ll be fine.  If there is any truth to the third time is a charm rule, then it’s possible I could meet my last boyfriend this go around.  It could happen.  It really could.  I could meet the man of my dreams on Jdate, there could be world peace, no child would ever be hungry and I could one day weigh 125 pounds.  Anything is possible!  I just need to go into it with my eyes, mind and heart wide open.  No expectations.  I will give it 30 days.  A drop in the bucket in the big scheme of things and all it really requires of me is some time and an unwavering desire to keep the faith.

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