Jewish Journal

Organic vs. Calculated

by Ilana Angel

August 13, 2009 | 8:56 pm

Well my friends it happened.  I had a great first date.  I am judging the success of the date on the fact that we planned our second date before he left which is always a good sign.  I won’t say anything else about it now for fear of jinxing it!  I called Ari my “go-to for a man’s opinion” guy to talk about the date and while his outlook on dating is completely opposite from mine, it is one that I respect, admire and somewhat covet. 

Sadly for me dating is like a job.  There is a lack of anything organic about the entire process.  The reason it is like that for me and others in my situation is because the opportunities for us to meet someone and have it be natural and a sign of fate are just not that possible.  Our social lives tend to focus around our kids.  Their social calendars are busier than ours and we spend a lot of time driving them around to their various activities and being on standby to pick him up.  The majority of my time is spent around other parents and in my particular circle I am not a part of the majority and often the “single one” in a group of couples.  The only way for me to really meet someone is to seek them out and be proactive by getting set up by friends or looking online.

For Ari, he is very mellow about it and feels like it will happen for him in a very organic and natural way.  He is not actively pursuing love.  He is open to it certainly and will be ready for it when it comes, but he waits for it to make itself known.  He feels that to force it or work so hard to make it happen will perhaps make him settle and create something with someone that is not there because when you are looking intently for something and you don’t find exactly what you want, you may be tempted to settle for something else just so you can stop looking.

As single people we need to never settle.  We will find exactly what we want.  I honestly believe there is a Beshert out there for everyone.  That said we also need to be careful to not become complacent.  If we sit around and wait we can easily get caught up in our routine and get so used to not looking that not looking becomes not interested.  I have a single friend Kristina who is 27 and stunning.  A really fantastic girl who is educated and funny and looking for love.  Her issue is that she works and has a full life and social circle but it’s hard to find time to venture out of her circle because life is so busy.  She is in a huge predicament because she is in my position in terms of the steps she needs to take to meet someone and in Ari’s position in terms of how she feels she will find love and I really feel for her because at some point she will really need to search it out like me even though she wants to find it natually like Ari. (Maybe I should arrange for them to magically meet in the frozen food section at Gelsons!)

At the end of the day there is no right or wrong way.  We are all hoping to go through life with a partner, lover and friend.  I’m looking forward to my second date on Sunday night and and am enjoying this moment in the dating process where anything is possible.  Whether you are searching or waiting is irrelevant.  We are all hopeless romantics and we will have the outcome we desire as long as we remember to keep the faith.

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