Jewish Journal

Letting go of holding on

by Ilana Angel

September 10, 2009 | 12:39 pm

At what point does one let go of the past in order to have a future?  Does the past always linger in the back of the mind or can we release it?  Every relationship and experience has value and shapes who we are and has the power to make us stronger and wiser.  The thing is that I’m kind of stuck.  Let’s have a little public therapy shall we?

I went out for dinner with Mr. X last night.  He is very funny, charming and entertaining. He’s a total smart a** and I dig it.  He asks a lot of questions and has a lot of opinions about a lot of things.  We have a nice banter and while we don’t agree on everything I respect his views and appreciate how he presents them because he makes me think about things from a different angle.  His eyes are so blue that when he looks at me I want to dive in and go for a swim.  We have crazy physical chemistry and for whatever reason I can’t seem to be able to just relax.

I find myself trusting him in terms of talking about myself but at the same time I am intimidated by him and feel uneasy that I am able to share so freely.  I suppose part of it could be related to “Richard the Dick”.  I really liked Richard.  He was so mellow and calm that it was easy to settle in and feel safe.  I’m sure that’s one of the things that his GIRLFRIEND loves about him too.  If she had not called me who knows how long it would have gone on.  I’m thankful I was a slow mover on that one or it would have been crushing instead of disappointing.

While on paper my last relationship makes no sense, we were together and it was wonderful.  None of my friends, his friends or our friends ever understood how we worked but everyone could see the deep love and admiration we had for each other.  We never had a fight or exchanged an unkind word.  It felt like it was he and I against the world and I was my most beautiful when I was with him because he allowed all the good in me to come out and our connection was on a spiritual plane that I craved but never had before.  I was blindsided when our relationship ended and it still makes me question my choices.

At some point none of it needs to matter.  I am a great girl.  I am a brilliant mother, and a supportive and caring partner.  I am funny and kind.  I have a great work ethic and a respect for the earth and the people who share it with me.  I believe that people are inherently good and will extend my hand to anyone in need.  It is time for me to let it all go and believe in myself and my choices again.

When my son was young I was fine being alone because he was my focus and being his mother was all that mattered to me.  I want so much to embrace that I am a grown up and a woman and to trust myself again.  I have met some wonderful men and I put my guard up in an attempt to protect myself and in the end I am allowing my life to be ruled by fear.

Being single at this stage of life is brutal.  The good news is that we are older, wiser and stronger.  I am confident and uninhibited and if I can let go of holding onto the past, I will find what I seek and be open to accepting it. 

To all the single mothers who read my blog and let me know that they are going through the same feelings and experiences, let’s be brave and believe in ourselves and take chances.  We deserve to have it all.  I think of you often and your notes to me provide the strength to believe not only in myself but in all of us.  At the end of the day it’s time to stop saying and start doing.  I’m in the prime of my life and I want to let go so I can hang on and begin to enjoy the ride.  It shouldn’t be that hard if I keep the faith.


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