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Back in the saddle again

by Ilana Angel

August 11, 2009 | 12:58 pm

I have a date tomorrow night.  Not a meet up for coffee, grab a quick drink date, but a real old fashioned pick me up and go to a movie, have some dinner, drive me home date.  It’s charming and he’s charming and I’m looking forward to it.  I know we will have a lovely time with lots to talk about.  It will be comfortable and safe and the beginning of what I think will be a great friendship.  Also worth mentioning, I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

My most recent relationship ended last year and my heart was broken.  It broke not only my heart but my spirit.  I was blindsided.  We were happy and building a life together.  He was involved in the life of my son, we were together every day and were connected on a spiritual plane that was magical.  One day he simply changed him mind and decided he wanted something else.  We never spoke about it, there was no indication it was coming.  My life went from black to white in an instant with no gray transition.  Does that make sense?

I was sad for a long time.  Sad because I lost someone that I loved very much but also sad because I lost a piece of myself.  I lost the ability to trust myself.  I beat myself up for not seeing it coming and not knowing what was about to happen and that is ridiculous because the issues were his not mine.  Relationships are great.  They take work and focus and communication.  I think there is a difference between something being hard and something taking work.  For me, relationships take a lot of work but should not be hard.  Break ups are hard.  Really, really hard.

Breaking up is hard for everyone.  It takes on a different tone however when kids are involved and even a harsher tone when it’s not a divorce but just a break up.  My son was a baby when I got divorced.  He has no memory of our ever being together as a family.  He has grown up with two homes and so that situation did not have anything for him to adjust to.  Now though, it’s harder.  He is a teenager and sees me in a relationship that is caring and wonderful and then it just ends and no matter how hard you try to hide sadness from your kids, they know and he felt the loss of the relationship not only for himself but for me too.

I’m not talking about it now to hash up the past or feel sorry for myself.  I bring it up because I think there are a lot of women reading this who get it and understand.  When you go through a break up you are convinced that you’re the only person who has ever been hurt this way and believe that no one could possibly understand what you are feeling.  That is just not true.  Not only do you know what I’m talking about but maybe you’ve been there or know someone who has and that is comforting and should bring us all strength.

A broken heart will knock you on your butt for a minute or a day or a month or however long it takes you to breathe again.  I know I will find my way and find my Beshert and God will be with me for every step.  I’m excited about my date tomorrow because I know that he gets me and when he reads this blog it will not scare him or freak him out.  It will make him smile and think I’m a total dork.

At the end of the day we will all survive our break ups and come out stronger and wiser and hopefully thinner.  Love is grand and life is blessed and all it really takes to understand how the whole thing works is having the ability to keep the faith.

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