Posted by Ilana Angel
I am taking care of a friend for a couple of days who has had some surgery. I love her very much and she is doing great. We are heading to her post-op visit this morning and I was going to write a note to say that my blog would not be posted until this afternoon. I normally blog early in the morning and if it’s not up by 10 am my die hard readers will write to ask if I’m ok and then inform me that they are waiting. Which I must tell you, is awesome!
As I sat down to write of today’s delay, I read that Senator Ted Kennedy has passed away. It is a loss for the country and my thoughts and prayers go out to his family. I think I’m going to take today off. My stories can wait until tomorrow. I’m going to take care of my friend, think about my wonderful father, of blessed memory, who looked so much like Mr. Kennedy and I am going to remember a man who never lived a day of his life without keeping the faith.
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9.6.09 at 11:37 am | Mike Fleiss has still not called me. Enough. . .
August 25, 2009 | 8:53 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
1) Why has Mike Fleiss not called me? It’s been almost a week since I declared to the world that I love him and the magic that is created in his mind and still no call. I thought for sure he would invite me for lunch if for no other reason than to get some sincere fan worship. I have given him some of the best Monday and Tuesday nights, of some of the best years of my life, and I think at the very least a single red rose would have been in order. Mike Fleiss, you should find me. Don’t be afraid.
2) My son told me that I was beautiful yesterday. He did not want anything and I did not look particularly beautiful in a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt, but he was sitting on the kitchen counter watching me make dinner and as I adjusted my ponytail, he told me I looked beautiful. It was a moment I will always remember because it was sincere and it made me feel beautiful.
3) I still have not heard from Mike Fleiss.
4) How is possible that when a man says he will call you, he thinks that the call can be placed at any time up to and including 14 days after he says he will call? When you say you are going to call someone, is there not a limit to the number of days that can pass before the call is made? I think it should be a maximum of 3 days. If it’s going to be any longer, then I think “I will call you” needs to be changed to “I’ll be in touch”. I’m going to teach this new crazy way of thinking to my son and his friends in the hopes that maybe the next generation of men can break the vicious cycle of women waiting by the phone. Not to worry “Carrie”, he will “be in touch” soon!
5) I want to give a shout out to my friends “Michelle and Jeff”. They are the cutest and funniest couple that I know. I am inspired by how they live their lives with grace and kindness and they are simply a hoot to be with. They dated for a long time before they got married and many of her friends and family, myself included, told her she should walk away because he was taking way too long to profess his undying love for her. Thank God she listened to her heart and not to our crazy ramblings. She loved him and hung on knowing it would all work out for her as she wanted, and it did. I aspire to have what they have. I love how they love each other. I love them.
6) I still have not heard from Mike Fleiss.
7) I think one of the greatest things that I do for myself is take 5 minutes every day to sit quietly and breathe. I listen to the air going in and I let it out slowly and deliberately. I focus on my blessings and all the things that I am grateful for. I imagine dancing at my son’s wedding, spoiling my grandchildren, having lunch with Mike Fleiss, visiting places I still want to see and reminding myself that life is wonderful and every moment matters. I recommend it to anyone who needs to recharge their batteries for it is one of the easiest ways to keep the faith.
August 24, 2009 | 11:22 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
At a pool party yesterday my friends all had plenty to say about my recent trip into Datingville. My “go to single guy friend Ari” certainly had a lot to say about the turn of events and I was surprised that some of it hurt my feelings. Not in a “why is he being so mean and hurting my feelings” kind of way, but more in a “is that really how you see me” kind of way.
I don’t think that searching for love should be at any cost. There are so many people who say they don’t want to be alone yet make no effort to meet anyone. On no level is my desire for love about filling some emptiness within me. While I believe that love can find you, I also believe that we live in a busy world and I will increase my odds if while I’m waiting, I’m also looking. There is something romantic about someone who has loved and lost and is willing to love again. That said I am not desperate or trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I don’t put myself out there because I love dating but rather because I am looking for my Beshert. I would rather go out on a hundred dates to find the right man than date three men and take the best of the bunch just to have someone. I’m not going to get lazy and settle. No one should ever settle.
I look at my life and my son and I know my blessings are abundant and there is nothing missing. If my life remained exactly as it is now, I would continue to feel blessed. It is because my life is so rich that I want to share it. Not to make it better but to make it fuller. Having a man in my life will make my life different because it adds companionship, romance and grown up elements that I feel are essential.
I have been hurt and yet I don’t allow it to block my path. It has added some hurdles but they can be overcome and I’d rather have a few blocks in my path to jump over than just stand still with no movement because I have become complacent. I’m not into games or lies or pretending to be something I’m not. I believe that we must be our true selves from the very first phone call, not just the first date, as that is what will get us a second date not the promise of being someone better once I know I can trust them. I will go all in and take the risk. I think the mark of a true romantic is when hope trumps fear and cynicism is left out all together.
Dating is difficult. It takes time and you have to invest in it and that is difficult for someone like me because I move slowly and have a rather extensive vetting process. I am very cautious and careful to not introduce just anyone to my son. When he spends time with his dad is when I date so my time is limited and valuable and I need to plan out how I use it because when he is home he is my focus. There is a huge leap and jump between dating for a single girl and dating for a single mother. Regardless of what the differences are however, what is required of everyone, male and female, is that we be brave.
I like it that I’m open and hopeful. It’s not about finding prince charming or a knight in shining armor as much as it’s about just riding off into the sunset with someone. My desires are based on romance not fairytales and in the end both Ari and I will find love in our own ways and in our own times. We will remember back on this time and laugh at how we both made our way to our Besherts. Of course I will get there first, but don’t worry Ari because I will wait for you and you can come over for dinner with me and my new husband anytime you want and we will support you and your vision of love magically coming to you on the wings of a unicorn with a full orchestra playing in the background.
As always I am keeping the faith but today I’m going to hold it a little closer as I am keeping it for both of us.
August 23, 2009 | 11:50 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
Yesterday was a draining day. After dating “Richard” for a few weeks and beginning to think he was great, I got a call from his girlfriend of a year and a half asking who I was and why my number appeared so often on her phone bill. It was shocking. I spent about 30 minutes just staring at nothing unable to understand how it was even possible. I then spent about 10 minutes wallowing, eating ice cream and deleting every email from Richard off of my computer. Only 40 minutes invested and it was over. 3 weeks and 40 minutes.
When all is said and done I was gracious and a lady and my father, of blessed memory, would have been proud of me. Thank God I am one that proceeds with caution so I have no regrets in terms of my behavior. As for Richard, it is unfathomable to me that a man could be so deceitful. I put in a few weeks and am hurt so I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this poor woman who has invested so much time in a relationship that is built on lies. In the words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I am confident this is not the first time he has shown her his true colors but I pray for her that it will be the one time she respects herself enough to get out.
I am hurt and somewhat embarrased that I did not see that Richard was really a Dick. (No pun intended.) There is nothing I can do about it now so I’m going to just move on. I have decided to set two goals for myself. 1) My blog is going to have 300 members by the end of the year. You must join me on EveryJew.com and then become a member of my blog. Invite your friends to join our social network which will unite us and make the world feel a little smaller and more connected. I have met great people from all over the world who have registered and it is lovely. 2) I am going to meet my new boyfriend in time for him to be my date for New Year’s Eve. There are only 3 deal breaking requirements. A) He must be Jewish. B) He cannot have a girlfriend. C) He cannot have a wife. Simple rules so that should not be hard to follow.
If you are single and interested in meeting me, let me know. If you know someone you think might be a good match, let me know. If all these Jews can’t join forces to help one girl find a date for the new year then we’ve got a problem. If it takes a village to successfully Yenta, then EveryJew.com is now our village and I’m standing by.
Life can be complicated and disappointing but when we’re thrown down we need to get back up. Some things require us to stay down longer than others but the important thing is that eventually we get back on our feet. I have a great support system with friends who have become my family and a family that I am honored to call my friends. I have a son who reminds me every day of what a joy and gift it is to be his mother and I have a respect for myself and others that allows me to experience tremendous joy. Life goes on and I will become stronger for each opportunity I am given to keep the faith.
August 22, 2009 | 1:10 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am generally an optimistic and trusting person. I choose to believe that people are inherently good and will give them the benefit of the doubt unless they show good cause that I shouldn’t. Lately however I find myself becoming a little more cynical, which is heartbreaking. When someone tells me that I can trust them I immediately wonder if I can. If someone feels the need to say it, I question if it’s simply a statement or a red flag. I am not always comfortable with the feelings that “trust me” invokes. When you start dating someone new, at what point can you really trust them?
Those of you who have been following my blog have a pretty clear view that I think single people finding love at this stage of life are walking uphill. I put myself out there in a completely open way with no hidden agendas. I am approaching my search with an open mind and an open heart and I can’t help but feel a little crushed when people don’t offer the same. It’s not because I’m stupid or naïve that it’s hurtful, it’s because I am honest and have feelings.
Last night someone who I thought I could trust let me down. In the big scheme of things it’s not a huge deal. The world did not end, there was no bloodshed and the sun will eventually come out again this morning. It is disappointing however to put yourself out there and have someone not appreciate it. I’m going to assume that it was not deliberate or intentional because that is how I am, but with that said, it still really hurt and has left me with questions that will go unanswered which is both hard to understand and sad. I will hold my head high, remain a lady and wish “Richard” and his “girlfriend” all the best.
So I’m heading back to the drawing board. What I thought held promise is now apparently not worth any further investment which is really horrible because there was a window of opportunity where it could have been explained. I write every day about how important I think it is to keep the faith. For me faith is everything. In times of great sorrow or divine happiness I am better able to accept what is happening if I hold my faith close. After this unfortunate turn of events my blog today will not end with my keeping the faith but rather with a message to those who are lost, struggling or treating others unkindly or without honesty, I hope that you will find your faith.
August 21, 2009 | 11:13 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am 43 years old. (That hurt a little bit.) I can remember quite vividly when my mother turned 35 and thinking how I thought she was so old at that moment. My dad threw her a party and everyone seemed so lame and very old.
While I would of loved to have been a mom at 22, I had my son at age 30. When my mom was 30, she had 4 kids. Based on my childhood memory it would appear that I am quite old. Alternatively, I can choose to believe an article I once read in Cosmo which stated that 40 was the new 30. Let’s go with that.
The biggest age difference between me and someone I’ve ever dated was 5 years. For me it’s a bit of an odd feeling to be older than my partner and I’m not sure why. I don’t think that with 5 years being my maximum age difference I qualify as a “cougar”. I believe that in order to be technically thought of as a cougar the man needs to be more than 10 years younger than the woman. While I personally would not date a man 10 years younger than me, it must feel great for a woman to have a much younger man on her arm. That’s got to be good for the ego. Interesting however that is applies to women only. No one ever refers to men as cougars. I have one friend who thinks that an older man is “sophisticated”. Really? Women are crib robbing cougars and men are sophisticated? The unfair part is that a man could be 20 years younger than a woman, get married, stay married until she passes away at 90, then at 70 get married again to a younger woman and still have a baby!
If I put the question of age into play for my son then it becomes a little more intense. If he went out with a woman who was 10 years older than him I would lock him in his room. If he wanted to go out with someone 10 years younger than him, I would call her parents and tell them to lock her in her room. It certainly matters more when people are young than when they’re old. There is a huge jump, and some jail time, between 15 and 25 yet there is nothing really wrong with the difference between 43 and 53. No matter what the age is now, if there are 10 years between two people then at one point one person was learning to drive while the other one was in kindergarten.
At the end of the day is age really nothing more than a number? Sometimes it feels like finding love is harder than getting struck by lightning or winning the lottery. That said, I love long walks in an east coast rain, I buy lottery tickets every week and I’m actively searching for my Beshert so I figure something has got to happen eventually. We need to open our eyes and embrace the fact that love will be found and we may find it in someone in a different age group. Regardless of whether the man I meet is young or old, he will be a surprise which is always a lovely way to get a gift. Shabbat Shalom everyone. For those who are searching for love, I wish you well and remind you to keep the faith.
August 20, 2009 | 12:47 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Why is it that when someone asks me for my advice I can see their issue clearly and tell them what my opinion is and how I recommend they handle the situation but when it comes to myself I am unable to decide anything?
I always have an opinion. I can sit back and keep it to myself but if the invitation is made for me to share it, look out because I’m going to share. I can be supportive, sympathetic, comic relief, counselor, friend, mother, cop, lawyer, devil’s advocate or mediator. Whatever you need me to be I can be. Even if you think you need one thing but really need another, I can give you what you want and still give you what you need. I am able to do this for everyone but myself.
I’m a very confident and strong woman. By strong I mean I am a survivor and independent. That said, I’m also vulnerable and a little gun shy in terms of a relationship. I don’t trust myself fully in terms of my decision making capabilities and I’m not good at walking away from relationships. My problem is that as long as I can remember a time in the relationship when it was good, I will try to make it work, even if I know deep down that it won’t. It takes a lot for me to walk away. That may mean that I’m stupid and naive. It could also mean that I am romantic and hopeful and having gone through a divorce already, just want to ensure that I give it 100%. It’s hard to tell and impossible to know.
I have my fourth date with “Richard” tomorrow. Fourth date! It’s been a long time since that happened. He is really lovely. He is funny and smart and cultured and really, really, really mellow. He sees through my bravado and is supportive. While he is certainly cautious in terms of his own feelings, he works very hard to allow me to have my insecurities and roll with it. I truly think that regardless of what happens in terms of a romance between us, we will be friends. That is a great feeling to have and at the same time is a bad thing because in my mind it gets me off the hook if I want to bolt because I can justify that it’s ok because we’ll be friends.
I love how he loves his children. He has one child who is quite young. When my son goes off to college, and by college I mean medical school, his youngest will just be starting middle school. As I begin the next phase of my life he will be beginning the stage I’m in right now. Is it silly for me to think about this stuff? I should be focused on the fact that I enjoy his company. Am I sabotaging myself? One hopes that when a relationship ends you learn from it and move on. I think that is only the case when you end the relationship yourself. If you walk away from someone you are in control and bouncing back is easy and generally quick. When you are the one who is left, it’s debilitating and recovery is slow and painful. Will I allow my fear to get in the way of embracing a future that could be bright?
I have friends who think I’m a little too honest with my blog in terms of opening myself up to complete strangers. I suppose it’s true on a certain level but if you look at the big picture, I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find my voice and my way. I’m struggling to recover from a broken heart and bruised ego. I’m struggling to find peace and joy and happiness in the romantic area of my life. I’m struggling to embrace the fact that I am middle aged and still have a lot to share with a man and that it’s okay to be more than just a mother. To share it all here does not bother me. There is strength in numbers and I while I can’t see you, I feel you out there and I suck up your support. There is no reward without risk and so in putting myself out there, I have discovered that I am not alone and so the reward has been worth the risk.
I am certain I will find my way. I am keenly aware of what my issues are and will tackle them head on. I believe in love. I believe in myself. I believe that there is a knight in shining armor who can fix what is broken. I believe that he may already be in my life. I believe that I can learn how to use my past to build a better future if I simply keep the faith.
August 19, 2009 | 12:51 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have decided to use my blog today to profess my love for a complete stranger. While we have never met, I love this man. In my fantasy he will read my blog, realize I am fabulous, not a crazy stalker and invite me for lunch to hang out and talk shop. He is the ultimate yenta and a genius. The things he creates are fascinating to me. So please indulge me as I selfishly use this forum to publicly announce: I LOVE YOU MR. MIKE FLEISS.
I am not ashamed to admit that I simply love reality television. I watch a lot of it. I TIVO most of it, flip through a lot of them but actually watch most. My beloved Mr. Fleiss is the mastermind behind The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, More to Love and High School Reunion. I am hooked on these shows and not only watch them, but find myself becoming invested, having an opinion and caring about the people who are featured. If admission is the first step to recovery then my name is Ilana Angel and I am addicted to reality television.
Last night I watched More to Love. (Tuesdays at 9:00 pm on FOX) I love this show. It’s about a big guy, Luke, who is looking for love with big girls. Luke is interesting. By interesting I mean he is a bit of a pig. He’s got a lecherous vibe which is weird because he’s just a regular guy and it’s unexpected. He is charming and adorable but working these ladies and it’s incredible. He makes out with them in front of each other which takes balls in my opinion. The girls are all heavy and have issues with self image and their honesty in putting it all out there is both inspiring and heartbreaking. I feel for them because they are all just looking for love and their struggles are just like the women of The Bachelor, they just happen to be heavy. Some of them are lovely and normal and some of them are train wrecks and I watch each week waiting for the crash. Last night Lauren went home and I actually cheered. This chick was a freak.
I also love the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise which airs on ABC. It is seriously good television people. I felt bad for Jason last year. I also felt bad for Molly because for her the show actually worked the way it’s supposed to but she got caught up in his mistake and in the end lost her fairy tale princess celebration. While she found love, she must be a bit bitter and angry that it happened like it did. As for the Jillian series, I despised Ed from the moment he arrived. He’s a pig and she should dump him quickly. I am amazed that after all this time the “stars” of this show have not realized that if they really do want to find love, then whoever they are certain they are going to pick, they should switch to the other one at the last minute.
Who are you Mike Fleiss? Are you Jewish? I’m thinking you are so it begs the question: why are there are not more Jews featured on your shows and why when they are Jewish, are they not open and out and proud about it? We need to talk dear Mr. Fleiss. I can appreciate the success of your shows and that Jews are not necessarily going to bring in the numbers across America, but let’s get some quality Jews on your shows. By quality I mean regular great people who are proud and open about their Judaism and not stereotypes of what America thinks Jewish people are. I know lots of great singles so perhaps I could sit in on some casting. Maybe there should be a yenta episode where I tell the chosen one what my gut says, which is always spot on. I’m just saying.
So my darling, call me. Let’s have lunch. Even the busiest of television giants needs to eat and nothing is better than lunch with a little hero worship thrown in for fun. You are brilliant and I’m a fan. I am a concerned Jewish woman in terms of your casting, but first and foremost I am a fan. I will continue to watch your shows with delight and fascination. I am waiting for you sweetie. I shall hold my breath in anticipation and know the call will come as long as I keep the faith.